The boss nicked the best DVDs off the pile this week, leaving the lowly, cringing film editor to consider Punisher: War Zone, a Christmas season sequel that was out of theaters by New Year’s Day and is bowing just in time for its makers to drown their sorrows on St. Patrick’s. Like The Spirit, from the same studio, it showed that there is fool’s gold scattered amongst the riches of comic book adaptations; then again, what burning need was there for a C-grade continuation to a more upscale (well, John Travolta was in it) original?

Let us begin then, with a minute-to-minute anatomy of a film that failed. We start with the trailers: Crank 2 (repeat: what burning need was there…), The Haunting in Connecticut (Moldy food in the fridge! Scary!), and, straight-to-DVD, a slightly promising Old West-meets-The Descent mash-up, The Burrowers. Pretty please, boss…

Now that the throat clearing has ended…

1:26: First gun picked up. Lock and load! Here comes the Punisher, 2008 variety: Ray Stevenson, the likable lummox who played Titus Pullo on HBO’s Rome, encased from neck to toe in bulletproofed leather that must be hell to get off in bathroom emergencies. Relocated from Miami, the Punisher (aka Frank Castle, grieving undercover agent turned retribution specialist) now lives in the bowels of the New York subway system—New York, Quebec, to judge by the stray details the camera catches.

Boring parts. Time to listen to the commentary, by DP Steve Gainer and the director, Lexi Alexander. The German-born Alexander has a compelling backstory: A former mixed martial arts world champion, she was an Academy Award nominee for a 2002 short film and made her feature debut with a not-bad football louts picture, Green Street Hooligans, starring Elijah Wood as a guy who gets in touch with his inner Punisher. You don’t get much of that here, though: Though she has a charming, listenable, accent, she and Gainer high-five everyone, in typically dull DVD commentary way.

7:04: Back in action. Bad guy shivved. Bad guy decapitated. Bad woman has neck crushed. Assorted stabbings and garrotings. Punisher hangs upside on chandelier and blasts away at bad guys (the trailer money shot, already used up). Approximately 15-20 dead.

Boring parts. (more…)