The mayoral election is only 11 days away, and if the endless online chatter here in Bootleg City is any indication, voter turnout is sure to break all kinds of records! Keep in mind, of course, that if you break any and all kinds of vinyl records within the city limits, you’ll be shot on sight by Lindsey Buckingham. I’m sorry, but I can’t control that animal.
With four candidates vying to be this city’s next mayor — and each one of us drawing roughly 25 percent of the vote in the latest tracking polls — I had no choice but to create negative attack ads (as opposed to positive attack ads, which usually feature footage of me engaging in surprise tickle fights). They’ll begin airing next week, but because I like you so much and know you’ll vote for me simply because you need all the friends you can get (we’ll discuss your wardrobe later), I’d like to offer you a verbal preview of each ad.
First up, the most inspirational opponent of the bunch but also, oddly enough, the least lively:
Bob Marley wants to be your next mayor. If elected, he promises to “stir it up” at City Hall and restore “one love” to Bootleg City.
All he asks is that voters “get up, stand up” to elect Mayor Robert Cass out of office. But how can Mr. Marley get up or stand up when he’s been lying down … for the last 28 years?
Could you be loved by Bob Marley? Isn’t the more urgent question “Could you be dead, Bob Marley?”
The answer is yes. Because he is.
On November 3, vote for a candidate who’s still alive. Vote for Robert Cass for Mayor.
Paid for by the Committee to Re-elect a Mayor Who’s Never Shot a Sheriff.
