Posts Tagged ‘Song-Off’

Song-Off Jr.: Mail-Order Products

Pufferfish – “Decoder Ring”

Guster – “X-Ray Eyes”

Fred Wilhelm – “Sea Monkeys”

Harry Chapin – “Mail Order Annie (Live)”

Rick Springfield – “What’s Victoria’s Secret?”

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What did you send away for?

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Last week Catherine Wheel spilled the guts of Iron Maiden as “Show Me Mary” took home 70 percent of the votes. Curiously, as commenter Andrew T pointed out, Catherine Wheel’s frontman, Rob Dickinson, is the cousin of Iron Maiden’s frontman, Bruce Dickinson. Join us again next week as we celebrate the arrival of summer with songs about ice cream flavors of limited availability.

Song-Off Jr.: Songs About Someone Named Mary by Bands That Are Named After Medieval Torture Devices

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“A fatal stone there was which, cunningly made, could be raised from below the step of the altar in the little Christian temple we discerned from the gallery; beneath that stone one behld a spiral stairway, very narrow and very steep, whose three hundred steps could convey you down into the bowels of the earth, to a kind of vaulted dungeon, closed by triple doors of iron, and in which was displayed everything the cruelest art and the most refined barbarity could invent of the most atrocious, as much for gripping one with terror as for proceeding to horrors.”

—the Marquis de Sade, 120 Days of Sodom

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Song-Off Jr.: Metaphorical Pie

Photo by Kimberly Faye

“When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmmmmmm, boy.” – Jack Handey

Motley Crue – “Slice of Your Pie”

Frank Black – “Pie in the Sky”

Death Lurks – “Happiness Pie”

Patti Smith – “Gone Pie”

Captain Beefheart – “Hair Pie”

Don McLean – “American Pie”

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Who uses the image of pie most poetically?

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Last week a late surge by Fats Domino pushed him out in front of a crowded field, as “Blueberry Hill” proved to be the most popular pie filling, followed by cherries and peaches.  Join us again next week, as we keep up with current events by posting a pair of Songs About Someone Named Mary By Bands That Are Named After Medieval Torture Devices.

Song-Off Jr.: Pie

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Basic Pie Crust Recipe:

1 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup Crisco vegetable shortening, plain or butter-flavored (see Cook’s Note)
1/2 teaspoon kosher or coarse salt
3 tablespoons ice water

1. Mix flour and salt in mixing bowl. Cut shortening into the flour with a pastry cutter, until mixture resembles the texture of tiny split peas. Do not use your hands to try and mix it, the heat from you hands will melt the shortening, causing the pastry to be “heavy”, not light and flaky.

2. Once mixture is the right texture, add the ice water and combine with a fork. It may appear as if it needs more water, it does not. Quickly gather the dough into a ball and flatten into a 4-inch-wide disk. Wrap in plastic, and refrigerate at least 30 minutes.

3. Remove dough disk from refrigerator. If stiff and very cold, let stand until dough is cool but malleable.

4. Using a floured rolling pin, roll dough disk on a lightly floured surface from the center out in each direction, forming a 12-inch circle. To transfer dough, carefully roll it around the rolling pin, lift and unroll dough, centering it in an ungreased 9-inch regular or deep-dish pie plate. (Or you can fold dough in quarters, then place dough point in center of pie pan and unfold dough, whatever is easiest for you.)

Makes one 9-inch pie crust.

Fillings:

Warrant – “Cherry Pie”

Al Jarreau – “Sweet Potato Pie”

Fats Domino – “Blueberry Hill”

Presidents of the United States of America – “Peaches”

The Beatles – “Honey Pie” and “Wild Honey Pie”

U2 – “Lemon”

Atmosphere – “Apple”

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What kind of filling will you use?

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Last week Procul Harum kept commenter David_E from falling into a deep blue depression, as “Whiter Shade of Pale” held off a challenge from the Urban Dance Squad’s “Deeper Shade of Soul” and took home 61% of the votes.  Join us again next week, as we move on from to physical to the metaphysical and tackle the subject of Metaphorical Pie.

Song-Off Jr.: Making Things a More Distinct Shade of the Thing that They Already Are

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“Tom gave up the brush with reluctance in his face, but alacrity in his heart. And while the late steamer Big Missouri worked and sweated in the sun, the retired artist sat on a barrel in the shade close by, dangled his legs munched his apple, and planned the slaughter of more innocents. There was no lack of material; boys happened along every little while; they came to jeer, but remained to whitewash. By the time Ben was fagged out, Tom had traded the next chance to Billy fisher for a kite in good repair; and when he played out, Johnny Miller bought in for a dead rat and a string to sing it with – and so on, hour after hour. And when the middle of the afternoon came, from being a poor poverty-stricken boy in the morning, Tom was literally rolling wealth. He had, besides the things before mentioned, twelve marbles, part of a jew’s-harp, a piece of blue bottle-glass to look through, a spoon cannon, a key that wouldn’t unlock anything, a fragment of chalk, a glass stopper of a decanter, a tin soldier, a couple of tadpoles, a kitten with only one eye, a brass door-knob, a dog-collar-but no dog – the handle of a knife, four pieces of orange-peel, and a dilapidated window-sash.

“He had had a nice, good, idle time all the while – plenty of company – and the fence had three coats of whitewash on it! If he hadn’t run out of whitewash, he would have bankrupted every boy in the village.” — Mark Twain

Procol Harum – “Whiter Shade of Pale”

Urban Dance Squad – “Deeper Shade of Soul”

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Who needs an extra coat?

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Last week Shirley Manson and Garbage terminated the Jesus and Mary Chain, taking an astonishing 81% of the vote.  Next week, we’ll start a two-part Song-Off on the subject of Pie.

Song-Off Jr.: Being Happy When It Rains

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“My sorrow, when she’s here with me, thinks these dark days of autumn rain are beautiful as days can be; she loves the bare, the withered tree; she walks the sodden pasture lane.”  – Robert Frost

“I don’t consider myself a pessimist. I think of a pessimist as someone who is waiting for it to rain. And I feel soaked to the skin.” – Leonard Cohen

“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying.’ And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did.’” – Jack Handey

Garbage – “I’m Only Happy When It Rains”

The Jesus and Mary Chain – “Happy When It Rains”

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Who would it make you happier to see in soaking wet clothing?

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Last week the Police completely ignored the restraining order, as “Every Breath You Take” terrorized “Two Steps Behind” to the tune of 77% of the vote (our second-most lopsided victory ever).   Next week, we celebrate the fact that I’m almost done painting the goddamned bathroom with a pair of songs about Turning Things into a More Intense Shade of The Thing that They Already Are.

Song-Off Jr.: Stalking

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Def Leppard – “Two Steps Behind”

The Police – “Every Breath You Take”

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Who are you asking for a restraining order against?

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Last week the Stone Roses took down the surprisingly scrappy Hold Steady, as “I Am the Resurrection” (featuring one of my favorite guitar solos in history) took 60% of the votes.  Next week, we celebrate the arrival of the rainy season with a pair of songs about Being Happy When It Rains.

Song-Off Jr.: Resurrection

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…Peter therefore went forth, and that other disciple, and came to the sepulchre.  So they ran both together: and the other disciple did outrun Peter, and came first to the sepulchre.  And he stooping down, and looking in, saw the linen clothes lying; yet went he not in.  Then cometh Simon Peter following him, and went into the sepulchre, and seeth the linen clothes lie,  and the napkin, that was about his head, not lying with the linen clothes, but wrapped together in a place by itself.  Then went in also that other disciple, which came first to the sepulchre, and he saw, and believed.  For as yet they knew not the scripture, that he must rise again from the dead.

–The Gospel According to John

The Stone Roses – “I Am the Resurrection”

The Hold Steady – “How a Resurrection Really Feels”

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Who has been given new life?

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Last week in a surprisingly lopsided contest, The Dream Police pulled rank and reminded the Karma Police of their right to remain silent, as Cheap Trick took home 73% of the votes.  Join us for a special Song-Off next week, as guest host Samantha Ronson will join us to spin a pair of songs about Stalking.

Song-Off Jr.: Nontraditional Law Enforcement

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… And there was another one, posted right on the front of the checkout desk, that struck a chill as deep as January down Sam’s back. It showed a dismayed boy and girl, surely no older than eight, cringing back from a man in a trenchcoat and a gray hat. The man looked at least eleven feet tall; his shadow fell on the upturned faces of the children. The brim of his 1940s-style fedora threw its own shadow, and the eyes of the man in the trenchcoat gleamed relentlessly from its black depths. They looked like chips of ice as they studied the children, marking them with the grim gaze of Authority. He was holding out an ID folder with a star pinned to it — an odd sort of star, with at least nine points on it. Maybe as many as a dozen. The message beneath read:

AVOID THE LIBRARY POLICE!

–Stephen King, “The Library Policeman” (from 1990’s Four Past Midnight)

Cheap Trick – “Dream Police”

Radiohead – “Karma Police”

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As a law-abiding citizen, which man are you less likely to be hassled by?

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Last week Steely Dan lived up to their name, scoring a plurality of 47% of the action. The Kinks came in a close second with 41%, while the Beach Boys sat in the corner and watched with just 15% of the votes. Join us again next week as we celebrate Easter and address the thorny subject of Resurrections.

Song-Off Jr.: Doing It Again

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Welcome to our first reader-requested Song-Off Jr.  A while back, forwardgirl proposed a threesome…and although we felt a bit uncomfortable with it at first, we’ve finally decided it’s time for a little bit of adventure.  Apologies to those who got shut out of the bedroom (The Chemical Brothers, Jay-Z, Queens of the Stone Age, Nada Surf, Stroke 9, Dianna Krall, Wall of Voodoo, Mase, Bone Thugs N Harmony, Matthew Sweet, Aimee Mann, etc.) but there are only so many bodies that can fit on a king-sized bed.

The Beach Boys – “Do It Again”

Steely Dan – “Do It Again”

The Kinks – “Do It Again”

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What kind of lover are you looking for?

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Last week, Madness sent Iron Maiden sulking to its room, as “Madness” took home 59% of the vote over “Can I Play With Madness.”  Join us again next week for a jurisdictional battle, as we tackle the subject of Non-Traditional Law Enforcement.