I believe the children are our future. I also believe my future in politics would’ve been cut tragically short on November 3 if Jethro Tull frontman Ian Anderson hadn’t returned all the children of Bootleg City to their parents in one piece yesterday. He was angry that he’d traveled all the way here from England to receive a 35,000-year-old flute, which, due to a clerical error of some sort, turned out to be only 35,000 seconds old. Unlike the children of Bootleg City, the flute was returned in several pieces, but only after being met with strong resistance from my skull.
I’m relieved, of course, that the children are back safe and sound — as is my official hagiographer, who was still working off his hangover a couple hours ago — but I can’t help but be disappointed in Mr. Anderson’s timing. Sorry to nitpick, but if you’re going to steal a town’s entire tween-and-under population in an election year, it makes more sense to return them the day after Halloween, right?
That way there are only a few days left until the election, the whole abduction can be blamed on a combination of evil spirits and a Sweet Tarts sugar high, and the incumbent mayor can look like a hero for never giving up hope that the children would be returned, even if, technically, he gave up hope a half hour after they disappeared. Besides, with 18 days left until the election, there are countless ways my opponents or random circumstance could force me to screw up again through no fault of my own.
