Jason: Hey, look what Santa brought us!
Jeff: Ooh, what is it?
Jason: Another B-list Christmas compilation!
Jeff: Shit! Oh, but this one is different.
Jason: It is? How so?
Jeff: We’ve never covered a B-list Christmas compilation featuring artists brought together to support a William Shatner horse charity!
Jason: That’s totally true! This is a great compilation, then. I feel like it’s really bringing my attention to a charity I know nothing about.
Jeff: I feel like I hate both of us for knowing about it, owning it, and listening to it.
Jason: Yeah, that’s the truth. And you didn’t buy this digitally, did you?
Jeff: I don’t want to talk about it.
Jason: YOU SUPPORTED WILLIAM SHATNER’S HORSE CHARITY!
Jeff: And how much does Shatner love his horses? Enough to send the very best.
Jason: Regale them, Jeff!
Jeff: At least if by “very best,” you mean “Stephen Bishop, Richard Marx, and DJ Ice Z and the Fresh Elf.”
Jason: Wait wait wait — Richard Marx is on this thing?
Jeff: Like a fresh sore!
Jason: Best. Christmas. Compilation. Ever. I hope he’s singing I’ll Be Home For Christmas.”
Jeff: He is not.
Jason: That’s too bad. I was planning on listening to it, and pretending he was singing it to me. Man, I love Richard Marx. Where’s HIS Christmas album?
Jeff: Oh, I’m sure we’re only a couple of years away.
Jason: But…but…
Jeff: This record blows almost top to bottom, but there’s a Hayseed Dixie track that’s actually pretty cool. “Misty Wonderland Hop.”
Jason: I have to disagree with you. I thought it was cool at first — I gave it four stars — but every time it came on, I turned it off. If you want Zeppelin and Christmas, you have to go for Mojochronic’s “Yuletide Zeppelin.”
Jeff: I can’t believe we’re debating the merits of holiday Zeppelin tributes. What fucking planet am I on?
Jason: You’re on Planet Mellowmas, stupid!
Jeff: Have I ended up on James Cameron’s Avatar planet somehow?
Jason: Worse. I’m pretty sure James Cameron’s planet has no place for Stephen Bishop. Unless it’s Planet Washed-Up.
Jeff: Speaking of washed up, look who else is on this album. Dennis DeYoung.
Jason: Oh, Dennis DeYoung.
Jeff: How much strength does it take to go on living after you’ve been fired from Styx? Isn’t that the rock & roll equivalent of losing your job at Denny’s?
Jason: Ha ha ha ha! What’s the name he’s forced to tour under? Something like “Dennis DeYoung and the Songs of Styx” or something.
Jeff: Because I just went to his Wikipedia page, I can tell you he’s contractually prevented from advertising himself as “the voice of Styx.”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! He should form a band with Al Jardine.
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! Whatever happened with Sad Al Jardine’s little touring band?
Jason: I don’t know, but I do know that Al has a Christmas single out this year, and I went out of my way NOT to send it to you, because I love you.
Jeff: He does? I must find it.
Jason: It’s actually just a live recording of a Beach Boys Christmas song he sang in concert a while back.
Jeff: Please tell me it’s called “Goin’ Back to Kokomo.”
Jason: I believe he’s is contractually prevented from uttering the word “Kokomo.” That word belongs to Mike Love. John Stamos may own 15%.
Jeff: The Beach Boys have a new barrel-scraping Christmas compilation out this year, too.
Jason: Do they really? deep sigh
Jeff: But we digress. To get us back on topic, here’s a seemingly random collection of words from DeYoung’s Wikipedia page: “On October 13, 2009, DeYoung’s sound creation the “ARF 2600″ was given it’s world premiere at the opening of The 101 Dalmatians Musical in Minneapolis, MN.”
Jason: The WHAT?
Jeff: I don’t know!
“DeYoung made his major motion picture debut in 2005’s The Perfect Man, in which he played the lead vocalist in a Styx tribute band.”
Jason: Actually, that sounds somewhat funny.
Jeff: As much as I hate Dennis DeYoung’s music, I’m starting to feel bad for him. He might have an even worse life than Billy Joel.
Jason: I saw him on A&E’s Private Sessions a few months ago. He acts like he’s Jerry Lewis in interviews, hamming it up and pausing for laughs that never come. I wonder how DeYoung ended up on this compilation. The track listing is so random. Did you know that, at one point, they were supposed to have Meryl Streep on here?
Jeff: Maybe they figured Dennis DeYoung was the next best thing? I imagine Meryl and Dennis have both gone through menopause at this point.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha! That was funny, but still, bite your tongue for trying to draw a link between Dennis DeYoung and Meryl Streep. One is one of the finest female performers of our generation. And the other is Meryl Streep. Wackity schmackity doo!
Jeff: tips straw hat, dances a jig
Jason: Okay, let’s listen to this Christmas turd.
Jeff: Fine, fine.
Jason: If you start to feel down while you’re listening, just think about all the horses you’ve helped.
Jeff: God, it’s almost four minutes long.
Jason: Hey, it’s either this or the song from DJ Ice and the Fresh Elf.
Jeff: Dennis DeYoung it is!
Jason: Ready?
Jeff: Sort of!
Dennis DeYoung — When I Hear a Christmas Song (download)
From The Sounds of Christmas 2009 
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