To know the unknowable is one of the great pursuits of sentient beings everywhere. Has been for as long as there’s been sentient beings. But to truly know the unknowable (or at least be rendered confused and queasy from it), spend an hour or two listening to and pondering the music of the outsider artist Jandek. Or, like Uncle Donnie, stumble upon him completely by accident and start writing him harassing memos, offering career advice. Your call. – RS
TO: Jandek
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice
I know who you are, Jandek. Oh, you think you’ve pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes, but I know where you are and where you live and where you’ve made all 55 of your records—every last uncomfortably atonal, virtually indecipherable one of ‘em. How, you might ask? I have friends in the Houston suburbs who had me over for dinner last month while I was in town for the John Basedow Abdominal Exercise Seminar and Chili Cookoff. You might know my friends—Carrie and Tom Milkowitz. As in your next door neighbors Carrie and Tom Milkowitz?
As I sipped my Manhattan on their back deck and watched you pick snap peas from your garden, it occurred to me that you could be so much bigger than you are. I mean, I only knew you from Spin magazine and that documentary done about you a few years back. I’ve only recently started making my way through your voluminous discography (I can only do it while my wife Mitzi is out with her canasta group, or when she’s asleep), and there’s some interesting stuff in there. And by interesting stuff, I mean uncomfortably atonal, virtually indecipherable stuff. But it’s all marketable, if you take my advice and try a couple things: (more…)


My brother’s black five-piece Rogers drum set stood in our basement like the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey: Mysterious, imposing and full of wonder. As a prepubescent boy, I would study those drums when he wasn’t looking, much like the cavemen inspected that black monolith in Stanley Kubrick’s film, mouth gaping, curious and hesitant to touch them for fear of what might happen to me. The drums called to me, so much so that the summer before fifth grade I made the ballsy choice of telling my dad, my clarinet teacher, that I didn’t want to play a woodwind instrument and instead wanted to be a drummer. That was one of the best decisions I made early in life.
Kevin DuBrow
Seems Uncle Donnie has recently taken a shine to the King of Pop; this particular missive was near the top of the Skwatzenschitz archive. MJ could do worse than follow some of the advice therein; then again, he could also almost assuredly do better. —RS
The trend in non-fiction literature as of late has been to title books with a snappy, concise name and then attach an absurd, ridiculously long subtitle, just to be clear on exactly what the author’s intentions were. So then, if this was my book, my subtitle would be: No, It Really Isn’t Like Throwing A Poodle In The Pitbull Cage, The New Album Just Ain’t That Good.