Posts Tagged ‘Sugar Water’

Sugar Water: The Adventure Continues

Sequels are fun. They’re not always good, but the movie-loving teenager who continues to take up space inside my soul will always be excited by them, especially the mere concept of sequels, i.e. “more of what you love (if all goes well).” These days, when it does go well, like with last summer’s Live Free or Die Hard, it’s a nice surprise. When it doesn’t, like with 2002’s Men in Black II, you almost forget what you liked so much the first time around.

This summer there will be a new Indiana Jones sequel in theaters: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. It’s a big deal in the world of sequels, seeing as how there hasn’t been a new entry in this series since 1989’s Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Expectations are high for some fans, who might have preferred that Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, and Harrison Ford had stopped after three films, but the Indiana Jones series was never structured as a trilogy like the two sets of Star Wars movies. Nothing was resolved in Last Crusade that was first brought up in 1981’s Raiders of the Lost Ark, except for the deaths of more Nazis.

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Sugar Water: I believe the children are our inarticulate future.

I’m a little angry today. I wish I wasn’t.

After all, it’s a new year. A chance to put aside the previous year’s disappointments, setbacks, frustrating failures, endlessly escalating arguments, sunlight-devouring grudges, and temporarily blinding crimes of passion. (Technically, my crime was more like a misdemeanor of passion, but my attorney, Dave-o, has advised me not to talk about it at this time and in this particular forum.) A chance to start over with a clean slate full of hope, joy, and other emotions/feelings that are widely considered to be positive and good and so forth.

Here’s why I’m angry — I have a three-year-old niece. Yes, she’s a bundle of joy, an angel, one of God’s better people, etc. And now she’s talking all the time and expanding her vocabulary every day. But recently, after I returned home from a relaxing game of putt-putt with Dave-o and some of his other clients who are currently awaiting trial, my niece asked me if I had played “futt-futt.”

“You mean putt-putt?” I asked.

“Uh-huh,” she replied. “Futt-futt.”

Her parents and grandparents laughed. I contemplated smiling, but that was only because I thought she’d stop confusing the letters P and F on the third (and hopefully final) go-round. After she called my favorite competitive sport “futt-futt” for the 11th consecutive time, I couldn’t bear to look at her anymore. Away with you, child, until you can say something truly impressive, like “full scholarship” or “presidential pardon.”

You know what my niece’s first word was? “Dada.” No, she wasn’t referring to the early-20th-century art movement that generated nothing of value except for a fluke hit single by the Police in the 1980s, if I remember my history correctly. She was referring to her father. You know, like “daddy.” But she didn’t say “daddy.” She said “dada.”

This is why I’m angry — “DADA” AIN’T A WORD. And yet we praise our nation’s children for saying gibberish that’s almost like real words and then pretend like it’s actually recognized as proper English by Merriam and Webster, the one-name-only longtime companions who invented the dictionary. No wonder we’re all so screwed up — we’ve been told lies from day one! Or whatever day we started forming actual syllables that sort of combined to make actual words but not really. Day 447, maybe? I can’t remember that far back.

As an American culture — and as a popular culture (although we’re certainly an unpopular culture if you ask certain other cultures these days) — we need to stop perpetuating these postnatal falsehoods immediately. We also need to buy something nice for Dave-o: his birthday is January 12. I was thinking of chipping in for a leather attaché case. Who’s with me?