The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops recently offered its one cent to married couples struggling through the current recession. (It used to offer two, of course, but everybody’s cutting back these days.) On its For Your Marriage website the USCCB lists “Ten Cheap Dates” that won’t cost you and your spouse an arm and a leg, which, incidentally, will be the new currency once the federal government runs out of bailout money and is forced to shut down the U.S. Mint. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Here are some of the website’s date ideas:

(2) “Tech-free” night. Turn off your cell phones, computer, the TV, and the lights. See what’s left to do without electricity. Sing old songs, have a pillow fight, recount stories of how you met, plan for the future.

If my nonexistent wife and I were to turn off the lights and “see what’s left to do,” I doubt it’d be a pillow fight, which is a dangerous thing to do in the dark. I once read that most household accidents occur in the household, and that those accidents can lead to hospitals, which still charge money for their services. Luckily, they’ll be able to pay for everything themselves once that arm-and-a-leg currency becomes the norm.

As for singing old songs, I don’t think “Money (That’s What I Want)” or that old Destiny’s Child chestnut “Bills, Bills, Bills” are going to solve any problems, though my longtime girlfriend, Aimiee, sings them anyway as a “gentle reminder” that I’m still unemployed.

She also likes to remind me how we met: “I saw you trying on that black leather jacket at Costco seven years ago. Now it’s green. Are you ever going to get a new one?” I once replied, “Your ass used to be small, but now it’s not. Are you ever going to get a new one of those?” But I wouldn’t recommend a comeback like that, especially not in front of friends and family at your third “recommitment” ceremony. (Truth be told, Aimiee’s backside, unlike my hairline, hasn’t really changed since we first met. But if you’re going to take shots at someone during a recession, you might as well be frugal and make them cheap shots.)

Let me state the obvious — the Catholic bishops know you’re going to fool around once the lights are off, but you may recall that they’re not big on birth control. Condoms aren’t a penny apiece, so they do have a point, but keep in mind that once the result of your “tech-free” power surge pops out around Christmas, you’ll still be tech-free because of all the costs that come with a new baby. In other words, don’t expect to be lighting up your Christmas tree this year, let alone buying one.

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