Hip-hop music is not typically Uncle Donnie’s thing, nor is hip-hop slang, nor hip-hop fashion. Basically, Uncle Donnie doesn’t understand hip-hop, though he does try. Apparently, he doesn’t read much about it, either, because he’s still wondering why he hasn’t heard back from Tupac, whose estate received the following missive from Uncle Donnie about a month ago. —RS

TO:  Tupac Shakur
FROM:  Don Skwatzenschitz
RE:  Career advice

Hi, there, Pac. You might not remember me, but we ran into each other in the men’s room at the Palladium back in ‘94, at a Janet Jackson show. Wasn’t she great that night? My God, the sheer athleticism of that show—now there’s someone who has talent, who never has to stoop to silly publicity stunts (like, you know, public nudity or something) just to get people to listen to her music. Awesome. Though, I did really want to see the end of her show but couldn’t, because that one overly eager bodyguard of yours snapped my collar bone like he was breaking a pencil. But I let bygones be bygones, you know? Life’s too short.

So here it is, 2009, and I’m just now hearing the last record you put out, Pac’s Life, from 2006 (my wife Mitzi and her hip-hop tai chi class use “Playa Cardz Right” in their “2zday Mix”). What amazing poetry you, um, drop. Bringing in T.I. and Ashanti on the track “Pac’s Life” was a stroke of genius too, uh, playa. They’re totally hot right now. Why haven’t you done anything in the last two or three years? I went back to some of your other records, and was just floored by your delivery and the way you bring in these awesome guest stars and producers. “Fuck ‘Em All,” from Better Dayz? Talk about universal sentiment, uh, dawg. And “Thug N U Thug N Me,” from Until the End of Time is my new anthem. I’m even getting a t-shirt made with that on it.

Anyway, uh, homie, I think you need to get back out in front of people again, and I have some ideas to help you do just that. Be open-minded, though—some of these might seem odd, particularly to an obvious recluse like yourself. Just hear me out, though, um, yo. Check out this, uh, fly shizznit: (more…)