Seems Uncle Donnie has recently taken a shine to the King of Pop; this particular missive was near the top of the Skwatzenschitz archive.  MJ could do worse than follow some of the advice therein; then again, he could also almost assuredly do better. —RS

TO: Michael Jackson
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career advice

Mike, I gotta tell ya, Mitzi and I were at this party up in the Berkshires last weekend (the weather was gorgeous, and the place we stayed had a slide that emptied out into a hot tub.  Amazing.  You should consider it sometime—the kids would love it), and the damnedest thing happened.  It was pretty quiet—you know, little hors d’oeuvres, sparkly drinks, polite conversation, and the like—until somebody had the khutspe to ask the string quartet to play “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough.” You should have seen it, Mike.  Eighty-year-old women and their grandkids, bustin’ moves all over the place—and this is without a backbeat!  It was a skirt-hikin’ good time.

Got me to thinking how perfect the timing is now for you to make a comeback.  All the legal shit is behind you by a couple years, and the memory (not to mention the attention span) of the public is notoriously short.  The kids who bought Thriller have kids of their own now, so your audience is at least two generations deep, and most of them never heard Invincible when it was out, so the stink of that one probably won’t cling to you.  Here are some things I think you should do:

• Stay away from the following things: children, Elizabeth Taylor, Saudi princes, monkeys, hyperbaric sleep chambers, your brothers (Jermaine is jer-messed up, Mike.  Well, somebody had to tell you), boy bands, British press, 60 Minutes, the LAPD, Liza Minnelli, Lisa Marie, any giant likenesses of yourself, antique stores, and Debbie Rowe.  These things always seem to get you into trouble, Mike. (more…)