Jeff: Well, we’re getting deep into the cold, dark heart of another bonechilling Mellowmas.

Jason: We sure are. I woke up this morning and kicked my cat for no apparent reason. Just because.

Jeff: Yesterday, you took us all the way to Canada, for an icy blast of Mellowmas hell. And you know what they say…one icy blast deserves another.

Jason: Yes, I remember how happy you were about it.

So we’re staying up in Canada? Am I finally getting that Anne Murray/Rush Christmas song?

Jeff: You’re going to wish we were!

Jason: Oh no. Who is it?

Rick Moranis?

Jeff: Taller (barely).

Jason: Neil Young?

PLEASE DON’T LET IT BE NEIL YOUNG

Jeff: Today’s performer sounds less like a cat in heat than Neil Young.

Jason: Hang on.

Jeff: And yet he gets less artistic respect. Go figure!

Jason: I’m loading up my list of Canadian artists from Wikipedia. I’ll just start from “A” and make my way down.

Jeff: “A” is a good place to start.

Jason: Let’s see: Lee Aaron — haven’t heard of him…Abdominal — don’t know him either…Bryan Adams…

Oh, shit.

Jeff: BINGO, fucker!

Jason: Uh, Susan Aglukark, nope, haven’t heard of her…

Jeff: It’s the Mellowmas of ’69!

Jason: Chuckie Akenz, nope, don’t know him…I’ll just keep on moving down the list, then.

Jeff: Rewind! Rewind!

Jason: Sorry, I think I just lost my chat connection.

Jeff: Everything we do, (we do it for Mellowmas)!

Jason: I think what you said was “move forward! move forward!”

Jeff: Jason, have you ever really loved a Mellowmas?

Jason: Oh, come ON, man! This is bullshit! Do I look like Scott Malchus to you?

Jeff: You have no idea how much moonshine I’ve had.

Jason: I am not interested in talking about Bryan Adams!

Jeff: You know, I’m not all that interested in Bryan Adams either. But let me ask you one question.

Jason: I already have your answer: “Eat shit and die.”

Jeff: Ahem: What if Bryan Adams recorded a reggae song? For Christmas?

Hell, what if he decided to call it “Reggae Christmas”?

Jason: He wouldn’t do that. He’s a white guy from Canada, Jeff. Even Snow wouldn’t do that.

Jeff: It’s cold there. It makes people do strange things.

Jason: Bryan Adams really did this?

Jeff: One of those strange things: Bryan Adams’ “Reggae Christmas.”

Jason: Jeff, I’m begging you. Please, can we cover a song by another Canadian artist instead?

Like, say, Madeleine Allakariallak – Inuit throat singer and folk singer?

Jeff: But wait — what if I told you Pee Wee Herman makes an appearance on this song?

Jason: I would rather listen to an Inuit throat singer backed by the Saw Lady than listen to this.

Pee Wee Herman? No. That’s impossible.

Jeff: I think you might want to sit down.

Jason: I AM sitting down. Can I crawl under my desk?

Jeff: Just make sure you turn up the volume first.

Ready, mon?

Jason: I’ve already filled my ears with poutine.

Jeff: Go!

[youtube id=”s4_4DOEvQ4E” width=”600″ height=”350″]

Jeff: “Hey, it’th Bryan Adamth!” Ah, there’s that trademark Bryan Adams reggae beat.

Jason: This band totally thinks they’re Led Zeppelin right now.

Jeff: Oh shit, you’re right!

We’re having a reggae Christmas, Jason! Down in Jamaica!

Jason: Oh man. Jeff, I’ve actually HEARD THIS SONG BEFORE

Jeff: During your college days, when every dorm room had a copy of Bryan Adams Legend?

Jason: That chorus is totally familiar to me. I think I must have just blocked it out.

Jeff: This reminds me of all those times I listened to Bryan Adams’ classic “No Woman, No Cry.” And played hacky sack to the strains of Bryan Adams’ “Stir It Up.”

Jason: You gotta hand it to Bryan Adams: this takes serious balls.

Jeff: Do you know anything about Bryan Adams having a horrible drug problem in the ’80s?

Jason: I know something about my own horrible drug problems that are going to start any minute now.

Jeff: Pee Wee Herman sounds like Big Bird.

Jason: Ha ha ha! He totally does!

Jeff: I guess that makes Bryan Adams Mr. Snuffleupagus.

Jason: No. Mr. Snuffleupagus was imaginary. Bryan Adams is ALL TOO REAL.

Jeff: Fortunately, not as real as he was in the ’80s. Although you’re right, you do have to hand it to him for recording this.

Jason: You would think the country of Jamaica would bring a lawsuit against him.

Jeff: Do you think it’s too late to ask Obama to extradite him?

Jason: I’d be willing to spend my Christmas Eve sleeping on Pennsylvania Avenue in the hopes of catching his ear for just a moment. I’m sure he would consider this his top priority.

Jeff: I think that sounds like a great idea. In the meantime, how about we make a pact to never listen to Canadian Christmas music again?

Jason: Oh, we can’t keep that promise, Jeff.

Jeff: At least until Neil Young records a holiday rap album.

Jason: I know one promise we can keep. No more Bryan Adams.

Jeff: Or Rush finally gets around to releasing its long-awaited collection of Native American yuletide flute music. OR ANNE MURRAY.

Jason: Or that new one from Elizabeth Anka Vajagic – post-rock singer and guitarist.

Jeff: Elizabeth Anka Vajagic’s okay. I hear she’s the new Peter Tosh!

Jason: Shit. I can’t get that chorus out of my head. ARRRRRGH! This sucks!

Down in Jamaica!

Jeff: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! It’s stuck in my head, too. I’m going to go listen to some Joe to get it out.

Jason: You know what? I always thought Pee Wee was unfairly treated way back when. I feel differently now. Anybody who appears in a Bryan Adams video deserves to be shunned, with the exception of Tina Turner, who gets a pass because she’s Tina Turner.

Jeff: Seconded and ratified! Amen.

Jason: Shame on you, Pee Wee. And to hell with you, Bryan Adams. And I’m eagerly awaiting your album, Measha Brueggergosman – operatic soprano.

Jeff: Down in Jamaica!

Note: After we listened to “Reggae Christmas,” Bryan Adams went and released an actual Christmas song. Maybe we’ll cover it next year — whoo, whoo, whoo!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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