The Eighth Day of Mellowmas: Mellowmas of ’69

Jeff: Well, we’re getting deep into the cold, dark heart of another bonechilling Mellowmas.

Jason: We sure are. I woke up this morning and kicked my cat for no apparent reason. Just because.

Jeff: Yesterday, you took us all the way to Canada, for an icy blast of Mellowmas hell. And you know what they say…one icy blast deserves another.

Jason: Yes, I remember how happy you were about it.

So we’re staying up in Canada? Am I finally getting that Anne Murray/Rush Christmas song?

Jeff: You’re going to wish we were!

Jason: Oh no. Who is it?

Rick Moranis?

Jeff: Taller (barely).

Jason: Neil Young?

PLEASE DON’T LET IT BE NEIL YOUNG

Jeff: Today’s performer sounds less like a cat in heat than Neil Young.

Jason: Hang on.

Jeff: And yet he gets less artistic respect. Go figure!

Jason: I’m loading up my list of Canadian artists from Wikipedia. I’ll just start from “A” and make my way down.

Jeff: “A” is a good place to start.

Jason: Let’s see: Lee Aaron — haven’t heard of him…Abdominal — don’t know him either…Bryan Adams…

Oh, shit.

Jeff: BINGO, fucker!

Jason: Uh, Susan Aglukark, nope, haven’t heard of her…

Jeff: It’s the Mellowmas of ’69!

Jason: Chuckie Akenz, nope, don’t know him…I’ll just keep on moving down the list, then.

Jeff: Rewind! Rewind!

Jason: Sorry, I think I just lost my chat connection.

Jeff: Everything we do, (we do it for Mellowmas)!

Jason: I think what you said was “move forward! move forward!”

Jeff: Jason, have you ever really loved a Mellowmas?

Jason: Oh, come ON, man! This is bullshit! Do I look like Scott Malchus to you?

Jeff: You have no idea how much moonshine I’ve had.

Jason: I am not interested in talking about Bryan Adams!

Jeff: You know, I’m not all that interested in Bryan Adams either. But let me ask you one question.

Jason: I already have your answer: “Eat shit and die.”

Jeff: Ahem: What if Bryan Adams recorded a reggae song? For Christmas?

Hell, what if he decided to call it “Reggae Christmas”?

Jason: He wouldn’t do that. He’s a white guy from Canada, Jeff. Even Snow wouldn’t do that.

Jeff: It’s cold there. It makes people do strange things.

Jason: Bryan Adams really did this?

Jeff: One of those strange things: Bryan Adams’ “Reggae Christmas.”

Jason: Jeff, I’m begging you. Please, can we cover a song by another Canadian artist instead?

Like, say, Madeleine Allakariallak – Inuit throat singer and folk singer?

Jeff: But wait — what if I told you Pee Wee Herman makes an appearance on this song?

Jason: I would rather listen to an Inuit throat singer backed by the Saw Lady than listen to this.

Pee Wee Herman? No. That’s impossible.

Jeff: I think you might want to sit down.

Jason: I AM sitting down. Can I crawl under my desk?

Jeff: Just make sure you turn up the volume first.

Ready, mon?

Jason: I’ve already filled my ears with poutine.

Jeff: Go!

Jeff: “Hey, it’th Bryan Adamth!” Ah, there’s that trademark Bryan Adams reggae beat.

Jason: This band totally thinks they’re Led Zeppelin right now.

Jeff: Oh shit, you’re right!

We’re having a reggae Christmas, Jason! Down in Jamaica!

Jason: Oh man. Jeff, I’ve actually HEARD THIS SONG BEFORE

Jeff: During your college days, when every dorm room had a copy of Bryan Adams Legend?

Jason: That chorus is totally familiar to me. I think I must have just blocked it out.

Jeff: This reminds me of all those times I listened to Bryan Adams’ classic “No Woman, No Cry.” And played hacky sack to the strains of Bryan Adams’ “Stir It Up.”

Jason: You gotta hand it to Bryan Adams: this takes serious balls.

Jeff: Do you know anything about Bryan Adams having a horrible drug problem in the ’80s?

Jason: I know something about my own horrible drug problems that are going to start any minute now.

Jeff: Pee Wee Herman sounds like Big Bird.

Jason: Ha ha ha! He totally does!

Jeff: I guess that makes Bryan Adams Mr. Snuffleupagus.

Jason: No. Mr. Snuffleupagus was imaginary. Bryan Adams is ALL TOO REAL.

Jeff: Fortunately, not as real as he was in the ’80s. Although you’re right, you do have to hand it to him for recording this.

Jason: You would think the country of Jamaica would bring a lawsuit against him.

Jeff: Do you think it’s too late to ask Obama to extradite him?

Jason: I’d be willing to spend my Christmas Eve sleeping on Pennsylvania Avenue in the hopes of catching his ear for just a moment. I’m sure he would consider this his top priority.

Jeff: I think that sounds like a great idea. In the meantime, how about we make a pact to never listen to Canadian Christmas music again?

Jason: Oh, we can’t keep that promise, Jeff.

Jeff: At least until Neil Young records a holiday rap album.

Jason: I know one promise we can keep. No more Bryan Adams.

Jeff: Or Rush finally gets around to releasing its long-awaited collection of Native American yuletide flute music. OR ANNE MURRAY.

Jason: Or that new one from Elizabeth Anka Vajagic — post-rock singer and guitarist.

Jeff: Elizabeth Anka Vajagic’s okay. I hear she’s the new Peter Tosh!

Jason: Shit. I can’t get that chorus out of my head. ARRRRRGH! This sucks!

Down in Jamaica!

Jeff: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! It’s stuck in my head, too. I’m going to go listen to some Joe to get it out.

Jason: You know what? I always thought Pee Wee was unfairly treated way back when. I feel differently now. Anybody who appears in a Bryan Adams video deserves to be shunned, with the exception of Tina Turner, who gets a pass because she’s Tina Turner.

Jeff: Seconded and ratified! Amen.

Jason: Shame on you, Pee Wee. And to hell with you, Bryan Adams. And I’m eagerly awaiting your album, Measha Brueggergosman — operatic soprano.

Jeff: Down in Jamaica!

Note: After we listened to “Reggae Christmas,” Bryan Adams went and released an actual Christmas song. Maybe we’ll cover it next year — whoo, whoo, whoo!