Jeff: Well, we’re getting deep into the cold, dark heart of another bonechilling Mellowmas.
Jason: We sure are. I woke up this morning and kicked my cat for no apparent reason. Just because.
Jeff: Yesterday, you took us all the way to Canada, for an icy blast of Mellowmas hell. And you know what they say…one icy blast deserves another.
Jason: Yes, I remember how happy you were about it.
So we’re staying up in Canada? Am I finally getting that Anne Murray/Rush Christmas song?
Jeff: You’re going to wish we were!
Jason: Oh no. Who is it?
Jeff: Taller (barely).
Jason: Neil Young?
PLEASE DON’T LET IT BE NEIL YOUNG
Jeff: Today’s performer sounds less like a cat in heat than Neil Young.
Jason: Hang on.
Jeff: And yet he gets less artistic respect. Go figure!
Jason: I’m loading up my list of Canadian artists from Wikipedia. I’ll just start from “A” and make my way down.
Jeff: “A” is a good place to start.
Jason: Let’s see: Lee Aaron — haven’t heard of him…Abdominal — don’t know him either…Bryan Adams…
Jeff: BINGO, fucker!
Jason: Uh, Susan Aglukark, nope, haven’t heard of her…
Jeff: It’s the Mellowmas of ’69!
Jason: Chuckie Akenz, nope, don’t know him…I’ll just keep on moving down the list, then.
Jeff: Rewind! Rewind!
Jason: Sorry, I think I just lost my chat connection.
Jeff: Everything we do, (we do it for Mellowmas)!
Jason: I think what you said was “move forward! move forward!”
Jeff: Jason, have you ever really loved a Mellowmas?
Jason: Oh, come ON, man! This is bullshit! Do I look like Scott Malchus to you?
Jeff: You have no idea how much moonshine I’ve had.
Jason: I am not interested in talking about Bryan Adams!
Jeff: You know, I’m not all that interested in Bryan Adams either. But let me ask you one question.
Jason: I already have your answer: “Eat shit and die.”
Jeff: Ahem: What if Bryan Adams recorded a reggae song? For Christmas?
Hell, what if he decided to call it “Reggae Christmas”?
Jason: He wouldn’t do that. He’s a white guy from Canada, Jeff. Even Snow wouldn’t do that.
Jeff: It’s cold there. It makes people do strange things.
Jason: Bryan Adams really did this?
Jeff: One of those strange things: Bryan Adams’ “Reggae Christmas.”
Jason: Jeff, I’m begging you. Please, can we cover a song by another Canadian artist instead?
Like, say, Madeleine Allakariallak – Inuit throat singer and folk singer?
Jeff: But wait — what if I told you Pee Wee Herman makes an appearance on this song?
Jason: I would rather listen to an Inuit throat singer backed by the Saw Lady than listen to this.
Pee Wee Herman? No. That’s impossible.
Jeff: I think you might want to sit down.
Jason: I AM sitting down. Can I crawl under my desk?
Jeff: Just make sure you turn up the volume first.
Jason: I’ve already filled my ears with poutine.
Jeff: “Hey, it’th Bryan Adamth!” Ah, there’s that trademark Bryan Adams reggae beat.
Jason: This band totally thinks they’re Led Zeppelin right now.
Jeff: Oh shit, you’re right!
We’re having a reggae Christmas, Jason! Down in Jamaica!
Jason: Oh man. Jeff, I’ve actually HEARD THIS SONG BEFORE
Jeff: During your college days, when every dorm room had a copy of Bryan Adams Legend?
Jason: That chorus is totally familiar to me. I think I must have just blocked it out.
Jeff: This reminds me of all those times I listened to Bryan Adams’ classic “No Woman, No Cry.” And played hacky sack to the strains of Bryan Adams’ “Stir It Up.”
Jason: You gotta hand it to Bryan Adams: this takes serious balls.
Jeff: Do you know anything about Bryan Adams having a horrible drug problem in the ’80s?
Jason: I know something about my own horrible drug problems that are going to start any minute now.
Jeff: Pee Wee Herman sounds like Big Bird.
Jason: Ha ha ha! He totally does!
Jeff: I guess that makes Bryan Adams Mr. Snuffleupagus.
Jason: No. Mr. Snuffleupagus was imaginary. Bryan Adams is ALL TOO REAL.
Jeff: Fortunately, not as real as he was in the ’80s. Although you’re right, you do have to hand it to him for recording this.
Jason: You would think the country of Jamaica would bring a lawsuit against him.
Jeff: Do you think it’s too late to ask Obama to extradite him?
Jason: I’d be willing to spend my Christmas Eve sleeping on Pennsylvania Avenue in the hopes of catching his ear for just a moment. I’m sure he would consider this his top priority.
Jeff: I think that sounds like a great idea. In the meantime, how about we make a pact to never listen to Canadian Christmas music again?
Jason: Oh, we can’t keep that promise, Jeff.
Jeff: At least until Neil Young records a holiday rap album.
Jason: I know one promise we can keep. No more Bryan Adams.
Jeff: Or Rush finally gets around to releasing its long-awaited collection of Native American yuletide flute music. OR ANNE MURRAY.
Jason: Or that new one from Elizabeth Anka Vajagic – post-rock singer and guitarist.
Jeff: Elizabeth Anka Vajagic’s okay. I hear she’s the new Peter Tosh!
Jason: Shit. I can’t get that chorus out of my head. ARRRRRGH! This sucks!
Down in Jamaica!
Jeff: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! It’s stuck in my head, too. I’m going to go listen to some Joe to get it out.
Jason: You know what? I always thought Pee Wee was unfairly treated way back when. I feel differently now. Anybody who appears in a Bryan Adams video deserves to be shunned, with the exception of Tina Turner, who gets a pass because she’s Tina Turner.
Jeff: Seconded and ratified! Amen.
Jason: Shame on you, Pee Wee. And to hell with you, Bryan Adams. And I’m eagerly awaiting your album, Measha Brueggergosman – operatic soprano.
Jeff: Down in Jamaica!
Note: After we listened to “Reggae Christmas,” Bryan Adams went and released an actual Christmas song. Maybe we’ll cover it next year — whoo, whoo, whoo!