The Eighth Day of Mellowmas: Quack Is Whack
Jeff: Happy whatever day of Mellowmas, Jason! It’s so cold and dark.
Jason: I say “whatever” every day of Mellowmas, so that’s apt. It IS cold and dark, isn’t it? Seems like it gets colder and darker every year.
Jeff: You know where it’s still kind of warm? Some parts of the South.
Jason: Your mom’s parts down south are pretty warm.
Jeff: That’s the penicillin working!
Jason: But yes, you’re right, and I hate to say “you’re right” because I feel like you’re leading me someplace horrible.
Jeff: Basic cable, Jason. Actually, you love it there, don’t you? I remember you watching a lot of VH1.
Jason: That was back in the day of Pop-Up Video! and Behind the Music. I don’t even have cable anymore.
Jason: Why, what am I missing?
Jeff: Working for a startup has really put a dent in your standard of living, hasn’t it?
Jason: No, it’s just that I don’t need cable! Too many channels I don’t watch!
Jeff: As for what you’re missing? I don’t have cable either, so I couldn’t tell you. But I do know we’re both “missing” Duck Dynasty.
Jason: Wait, why don’t you have cable? Working for a…a…what do you do again?
Jeff: *raises middle finger*
Jason: *sits and spins*
Jeff: Whee! So, Duck Dynasty.
Jason: I’ve heard of this.
Jeff: I’m not really sure what this is all about, but I gather it involves varmint hunters of some sort.
Jason: I know it’s a reality show on A&E, which means that my dad probably watches it. Every time I enter his house, he’s watching some reality show on A&E or TLC or some shit.
Jeff: Beards are also involved. Your dad has a beard! This is all adding up!
Jason: I don’t like your math, sir.
Jeff: YOU ARE A DUCK.
Jason: Having a toddler in the house, I do spend a lot of time saying “quack, quack.” So I guess we should figure out what Duck Dynasty is, huh?
Jeff: You know, I’m kind of enjoying the mystery here.
Jason: Oh shit, Jeff! This show is HUGE! I just looked it up.
So wait. This is a show about people who make duck calls. And the fourth season premiere drew 11.8 million viewers, the most-watched nonfiction cable telecast in history.
There is no God.
Jeff: Only Flav.
Jason: Wow. That’s deep. And awful.
Hey, would you look at that? I have an old issue of Rolling Stone on my desk. Bob Dylan is on the cover. There’s an article in here about Duck Dynasty.
Jeff: You know we can’t talk about Dylan during Mellowmas, Jason.
Jason: That’s right! That son of a bitch shut me down!
Jeff: But speaking of deep (south) and awful, here’s Duck the Halls: A Robertson Family Christmas.
Jason: Wait a second. They released a Christmas album? Of course they did.
Jeff: Unfortunately, it isn’t full of duck calls.
Jason: Oh, don’t worry. Animals are coming to Mellowmas, Jeff. #foreshadowing
So what IS on this album? Pat Robertson? Ed Robertson from Barenaked Ladies? ROBBIE ROBERTSON?!?
Jeff: Man, that would be kind of a cool Christmas record. But no. Just these scrawny old crackers, down in the holler. Singing about being poor and white at Christmastime.
Jason: Okay, okay. Let me look this up.
Jeff: Again, I tell you there is no need. In fact, there’s one song in particular that I think might be a pretty good fit for Mellowmas.
Actually, your dad might like it.
It’s called “Hairy Christmas.”
Jason: They spelled “hair” wrong.
Jeff: RHYMES WITH “MERRY” AND ALSO BEARDS DO YOU GET IT JASON
Jason: Yes. Subtle.
Jeff: Possibly the most subtle thing about the song. Shall we?
Jason: Oh, a banjo.
Jeff: This reminds me of the time we listened to .38 Special for Mellowmas. Thankfully, the Duck Dynasty guys can carry a tune. Oh hey, Walmart joke!
Ducks! Mistletoe! Gumbo! Jokes about Mom’s cooking!
Jeff: I picture them singing this on a sagging old couch.
Jason: This is kind of cute. I mean, I don’t personally like it at all, but it’s kind of cute.
Jeff: Cute in a fairly patronizing way, sure.
Jason: I love Christmas songs that talk about shotguns. It’s so in line with the Christmas spirit.
Jeff: Don’t forget trampolines and rental gear!
Jason: They nail the harmonies, too! How…convenient!
Jeff: I do believe I detect a whiff of Auto-Tune, yes.
Jesus, these guys eat a lot of meat.
Jason: Luke Bryan is on this too! That explains everything!
Jeff: Who wouldn’t want some of that Duck Dynasty money?
Jason: Just kidding. I have no idea who that is.
Jeff: Like Jesus and Santa Claus, they’ve got love behind those beards. You just know someone was high-fiving someone else over that line.
Well, so that’s what a “Hairy Christmas” sounds like. Think your dad will dig it?
Jason: I don’t know. That wasn’t terrible. It was stupid, but not terrible. And my dad is stupid, but not terrible, so I guess it’s a good match.
Jeff: It was stupid and it was also pander-y and crass, which is the magic Mellowmas combination.
Jason: Is anybody even buying this album?
Jeff: I have no doubt.
Jason: Let me see how it’s doing.
“The album debuted at #4 on the Billboard 200 chart and #1 on the Billboard Top Country Albums chart, selling 69,000 copies in its first week of release.”
Jeff: *deep sigh*
Jason: Zendaya would kill for those numbers.
Jeff: An awful LOT of people would kill for those numbers.
Jason: I get it now: EVERYBODY IS BUYING THIS ALBUM. Also, NOBODY IS CALLING IT AN “ALBUM” BUT ME.
Jeff: I wonder if, like when Prince gave his record away with the newspaper, these guys gave theirs away with Cracker Barrel napkins.
Jason: Thinking about it, I’m fully confident that everybody paid full price for this.
Jeff: Well, that certainly wasn’t the least competent thing we’re going to hear this year, but I do think it might be the most Mellowmas. In terms of seeing a niche and aggressively exploiting it, I think it’s right up there with the Tommy Tutone Christmas song.
Jason: Except that the Tommy Tutone song debuted at #0 on the Billboard 200 chart and sold 00,000 copies in its entire existence of release.
Jeff: Which makes the Duck Dynasty guys better at Mellowmas.
And us worse human beings.
Jason: There’s never been a sadder day for all of us. May you have a Very Hairy Christmas, Jeff. The Hairiest it’s ever been.
Jeff: I have no love behind this beard, Jason.