The Eighth Day of Mellowmas: Quack Is Whack

Jeff: Happy whatever day of Mellowmas, Jason! It’s so cold and dark.

Jason: I say “whatever” every day of Mellowmas, so that’s apt. It IS cold and dark, isn’t it? Seems like it gets colder and darker every year.

Jeff: You know where it’s still kind of warm? Some parts of the South.

Jason: Your mom’s parts down south are pretty warm.

Jeff: That’s the penicillin working!

Jason: But yes, you’re right, and I hate to say “you’re right” because I feel like you’re leading me someplace horrible.

Jeff: Basic cable, Jason. Actually, you love it there, don’t you? I remember you watching a lot of VH1.

Jason: That was back in the day of Pop-Up Video! and Behind the Music. I don’t even have cable anymore.

Jeff: *gasp*

Jason: Why, what am I missing?

Jeff: Working for a startup has really put a dent in your standard of living, hasn’t it?

Jason: No, it’s just that I don’t need cable! Too many channels I don’t watch!

Jeff: As for what you’re missing? I don’t have cable either, so I couldn’t tell you. But I do know we’re both “missing” Duck Dynasty.

Jason: Wait, why don’t you have cable? Working for a…a…what do you do again?

Jeff: *raises middle finger*

Jason: *sits and spins*

Jeff: Whee! So, Duck Dynasty.

Jason: I’ve heard of this.

Jeff: I’m not really sure what this is all about, but I gather it involves varmint hunters of some sort.

Jason: I know it’s a reality show on A&E, which means that my dad probably watches it. Every time I enter his house, he’s watching some reality show on A&E or TLC or some shit.

Jeff: Beards are also involved. Your dad has a beard! This is all adding up!

Jason: I don’t like your math, sir.

Jeff: YOU ARE A DUCK.

Jason: Having a toddler in the house, I do spend a lot of time saying “quack, quack.” So I guess we should figure out what Duck Dynasty is, huh?

Jeff: You know, I’m kind of enjoying the mystery here.

Jason: Oh shit, Jeff! This show is HUGE! I just looked it up.

So wait. This is a show about people who make duck calls. And the fourth season premiere drew 11.8 million viewers, the most-watched nonfiction cable telecast in history.

There is no God.

Jeff: Only Flav.

Jason: Wow. That’s deep. And awful.

Hey, would you look at that? I have an old issue of Rolling Stone on my desk. Bob Dylan is on the cover. There’s an article in here about Duck Dynasty.

Jeff: You know we can’t talk about Dylan during Mellowmas, Jason.

Jason: That’s right! That son of a bitch shut me down!

Jeff: But speaking of deep (south) and awful, here’s Duck the Halls: A Robertson Family Christmas.

Jason: Wait a second. They released a Christmas album? Of course they did.

Jeff: Unfortunately, it isn’t full of duck calls.

Jason: Oh, don’t worry. Animals are coming to Mellowmas, Jeff. #foreshadowing

So what IS on this album? Pat Robertson? Ed Robertson from Barenaked Ladies? ROBBIE ROBERTSON?!?

Jeff: Man, that would be kind of a cool Christmas record. But no. Just these scrawny old crackers, down in the holler. Singing about being poor and white at Christmastime.

Jason: Okay, okay. Let me look this up.

Jeff: Again, I tell you there is no need. In fact, there’s one song in particular that I think might be a pretty good fit for Mellowmas.

Actually, your dad might like it.

It’s called “Hairy Christmas.”

Jason: They spelled “hair” wrong.

Jeff: RHYMES WITH “MERRY” AND ALSO BEARDS DO YOU GET IT JASON

Jason: Yes. Subtle.

Jeff: Possibly the most subtle thing about the song. Shall we?

Jason: Oh, a banjo.

Jeff: This reminds me of the time we listened to .38 Special for Mellowmas. Thankfully, the Duck Dynasty guys can carry a tune. Oh hey, Walmart joke!

Ducks! Mistletoe! Gumbo! Jokes about Mom’s cooking!

Jason: Auto-Tune?

Jeff: I picture them singing this on a sagging old couch.

Jason: This is kind of cute. I mean, I don’t personally like it at all, but it’s kind of cute.

Jeff: Cute in a fairly patronizing way, sure.

Jason: I love Christmas songs that talk about shotguns. It’s so in line with the Christmas spirit.

Jeff: Don’t forget trampolines and rental gear!

Jason: They nail the harmonies, too! How…convenient!

Jeff: I do believe I detect a whiff of Auto-Tune, yes.

Jesus, these guys eat a lot of meat.

Jason: Luke Bryan is on this too! That explains everything!

Jeff: Who wouldn’t want some of that Duck Dynasty money?

Jason: Just kidding. I have no idea who that is.

Jeff: Like Jesus and Santa Claus, they’ve got love behind those beards. You just know someone was high-fiving someone else over that line.

Well, so that’s what a “Hairy Christmas” sounds like. Think your dad will dig it?

Jason: I don’t know. That wasn’t terrible. It was stupid, but not terrible. And my dad is stupid, but not terrible, so I guess it’s a good match.

Jeff: It was stupid and it was also pander-y and crass, which is the magic Mellowmas combination.

Jason: Is anybody even buying this album?

Jeff: I have no doubt.

Jason: Let me see how it’s doing.

“The album debuted at #4 on the Billboard 200 chart and #1 on the Billboard Top Country Albums chart, selling 69,000 copies in its first week of release.”

Jeff: *deep sigh*

Jason: Zendaya would kill for those numbers.

Jeff: An awful LOT of people would kill for those numbers.

Jason: I get it now: EVERYBODY IS BUYING THIS ALBUM. Also, NOBODY IS CALLING IT AN “ALBUM” BUT ME.

Jeff: I wonder if, like when Prince gave his record away with the newspaper, these guys gave theirs away with Cracker Barrel napkins.

Jason: Thinking about it, I’m fully confident that everybody paid full price for this.

Jeff: Well, that certainly wasn’t the least competent thing we’re going to hear this year, but I do think it might be the most Mellowmas. In terms of seeing a niche and aggressively exploiting it, I think it’s right up there with the Tommy Tutone Christmas song.

Jason: Except that the Tommy Tutone song debuted at #0 on the Billboard 200 chart and sold 00,000 copies in its entire existence of release.

Jeff: Which makes the Duck Dynasty guys better at Mellowmas.

And us worse human beings.

Jason: There’s never been a sadder day for all of us. May you have a Very Hairy Christmas, Jeff. The Hairiest it’s ever been.

Jeff: I have no love behind this beard, Jason.

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare
Two people, separate rooms
Trying to hurt the other
Bound together by destiny
Is there nothing they won’t do?
Will we never see them through?