Duck You

The Eighth Day of Mellowmas: Quack Is Whack

Jeff: Happy whatever day of Mellowmas, Jason! It’s so cold and dark.

Jason: I say “whatever” every day of Mellowmas, so that’s apt. It IS cold and dark, isn’t it? Seems like it gets colder and darker every year.

Jeff: You know where it’s still kind of warm? Some parts of the South.

Jason: Your mom’s parts down south are pretty warm.

Jeff: That’s the penicillin working!

Jason: But yes, you’re right, and I hate to say “you’re right” because I feel like you’re leading me someplace horrible.

Jeff: Basic cable, Jason. Actually, you love it there, don’t you? I remember you watching a lot of VH1.

Jason: That was back in the day of Pop-Up Video! and Behind the Music. I don’t even have cable anymore.

Jeff: *gasp*

Jason: Why, what am I missing?

Jeff: Working for a startup has really put a dent in your standard of living, hasn’t it?

Jason: No, it’s just that I don’t need cable! Too many channels I don’t watch!

Jeff: As for what you’re missing? I don’t have cable either, so I couldn’t tell you. But I do know we’re both “missing” Duck Dynasty.

Jason: Wait, why don’t you have cable? Working for a…a…what do you do again?

Jeff: *raises middle finger*

Jason: *sits and spins*

Jeff: Whee! So, Duck Dynasty.

Jason: I’ve heard of this.

Jeff: I’m not really sure what this is all about, but I gather it involves varmint hunters of some sort.

Jason: I know it’s a reality show on A&E, which means that my dad probably watches it. Every time I enter his house, he’s watching some reality show on A&E or TLC or some shit.

Jeff: Beards are also involved. Your dad has a beard! This is all adding up!

Jason: I don’t like your math, sir.


Jason: Having a toddler in the house, I do spend a lot of time saying “quack, quack.” So I guess we should figure out what Duck Dynasty is, huh?

Jeff: You know, I’m kind of enjoying the mystery here.

Jason: Oh shit, Jeff! This show is HUGE! I just looked it up.

So wait. This is a show about people who make duck calls. And the fourth season premiere drew 11.8 million viewers, the most-watched nonfiction cable telecast in history.

There is no God.

Jeff: Only Flav.

Jason: Wow. That’s deep. And awful.

Hey, would you look at that? I have an old issue of Rolling Stone on my desk. Bob Dylan is on the cover. There’s an article in here about Duck Dynasty.

Jeff: You know we can’t talk about Dylan during Mellowmas, Jason.

Jason: That’s right! That son of a bitch shut me down!

Jeff: But speaking of deep (south) and awful, here’s Duck the Halls: A Robertson Family Christmas.

Jason: Wait a second. They released a Christmas album? Of course they did.

Jeff: Unfortunately, it isn’t full of duck calls.

Jason: Oh, don’t worry. Animals are coming to Mellowmas, Jeff. #foreshadowing

So what IS on this album? Pat Robertson? Ed Robertson from Barenaked Ladies? ROBBIE ROBERTSON?!?

Jeff: Man, that would be kind of a cool Christmas record. But no. Just these scrawny old crackers, down in the holler. Singing about being poor and white at Christmastime.

Jason: Okay, okay. Let me look this up.

Jeff: Again, I tell you there is no need. In fact, there’s one song in particular that I think might be a pretty good fit for Mellowmas.

Actually, your dad might like it.

It’s called “Hairy Christmas.”

Jason: They spelled “hair” wrong.


Jason: Yes. Subtle.

Jeff: Possibly the most subtle thing about the song. Shall we?

Jason: Oh, a banjo.

Jeff: This reminds me of the time we listened to .38 Special for Mellowmas. Thankfully, the Duck Dynasty guys can carry a tune. Oh hey, Walmart joke!

Ducks! Mistletoe! Gumbo! Jokes about Mom’s cooking!

Jason: Auto-Tune?

Jeff: I picture them singing this on a sagging old couch.

Jason: This is kind of cute. I mean, I don’t personally like it at all, but it’s kind of cute.

Jeff: Cute in a fairly patronizing way, sure.

Jason: I love Christmas songs that talk about shotguns. It’s so in line with the Christmas spirit.

Jeff: Don’t forget trampolines and rental gear!

Jason: They nail the harmonies, too! How…convenient!

Jeff: I do believe I detect a whiff of Auto-Tune, yes.

Jesus, these guys eat a lot of meat.

Jason: Luke Bryan is on this too! That explains everything!

Jeff: Who wouldn’t want some of that Duck Dynasty money?

Jason: Just kidding. I have no idea who that is.

Jeff: Like Jesus and Santa Claus, they’ve got love behind those beards. You just know someone was high-fiving someone else over that line.

Well, so that’s what a “Hairy Christmas” sounds like. Think your dad will dig it?

Jason: I don’t know. That wasn’t terrible. It was stupid, but not terrible. And my dad is stupid, but not terrible, so I guess it’s a good match.

Jeff: It was stupid and it was also pander-y and crass, which is the magic Mellowmas combination.

Jason: Is anybody even buying this album?

Jeff: I have no doubt.

Jason: Let me see how it’s doing.

“The album debuted at #4 on the Billboard 200 chart and #1 on the Billboard Top Country Albums chart, selling 69,000 copies in its first week of release.”

Jeff: *deep sigh*

Jason: Zendaya would kill for those numbers.

Jeff: An awful LOT of people would kill for those numbers.


Jeff: I wonder if, like when Prince gave his record away with the newspaper, these guys gave theirs away with Cracker Barrel napkins.

Jason: Thinking about it, I’m fully confident that everybody paid full price for this.

Jeff: Well, that certainly wasn’t the least competent thing we’re going to hear this year, but I do think it might be the most Mellowmas. In terms of seeing a niche and aggressively exploiting it, I think it’s right up there with the Tommy Tutone Christmas song.

Jason: Except that the Tommy Tutone song debuted at #0 on the Billboard 200 chart and sold 00,000 copies in its entire existence of release.

Jeff: Which makes the Duck Dynasty guys better at Mellowmas.

And us worse human beings.

Jason: There’s never been a sadder day for all of us. May you have a Very Hairy Christmas, Jeff. The Hairiest it’s ever been.

Jeff: I have no love behind this beard, Jason.

  • CraigoryVOL

    “It was stupid and it was also pander-y and crass, which is the magic Mellowmas combination.”

    Yes, that explains it all perfectly!

  • Beau

    Interesting fact: They don’t use instruments in their church.

  • Jay

    If that’s not Sunday morning coming down I don’t wanna know what is.

  • Jay

    I need some Toehider.

  • Jay

    Oh and yes, they have all kinds of merch. Kroger has it, they compete with the 50 Shades knockoffs display.

  • Jay

    Look away, Dixie, please look away.

  • kingofgrief

    And we have the first recipient of the KoG Hagar/Keith (Emphasis on the Latter) Award for Something I Won’t Listen To Even Once on Principle. Though I could go for some Cracker Barrel biscuits n’ gravy.

  • Jay

    You’ve got something against board shorts and tank tops on beefy sunburned guys?

  • trow125

    I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, which is the sort of snobby liberal place you’d think would be completely immune to the charms of the Duck Dynasty clan, but they were recently out here launching their own wine label, and my local Bed Bath & Beyond has a bunch of their merchandise on display. I can only hope the market will be oversaturated shortly so they can go back crafting duck calls in obscurity.

  • Rob Wynne

    Fifty Shades of Duck Dynasty. Now *there’s* a crossover product absolutely no one wanted.

  • Jay

    Don’t give them the idea.

  • Old_Davy

    Now that Miley Cyrus is no longer family friendly, we have these clowns to fill that particular entertainment void. Word is, the show runners put bleeps in the dialog even though nobody ever cusses just to make it seem edgy.

  • rockymtranger

    “It was stupid, but not terrible.’

    *sigh* Yeah. That. But the Prince comment was spot on.

  • DwDunphy

    “Duck Dynasty clan… launching their own wine label”

    Did they sell any before Enos chased them out of town?

  • DwDunphy

    Bleep yeah.