The Eleventh Day of Mellowmas: Grit Kissers

Written by Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2014, Music

“I like the part where it speeds up for no apparent reason.”

Jason: As you know, Jeff, I feel bad for some of these artists that we listen to. They just always seem to try so hard.

Jeff: “Always”

I’m not as forgiving as you, but I do know what you mean.

Jason: Like, this is definitely the best they can do.

Jeff: My heart just broke.

Jason: They finish recording and they feel proud of their work.

I know. I KNOW. And that’s why it’s so refreshing to listen to a song where nobody really gave a shit.

Jeff: Where are you going with this? I feel like it must be someplace dark.

Jason: Oh, it’s dark.

Jeff: At least I’m going in knowing that nobody really gave a shit. I thought you were going to make me listen to “A Very Down Syndrome Christmas” or something.

Jason: Pack your bags, buddy.

Jeff: *sigh*

Jason: We’re taking a trip to The Mels Motel.

Jeff: Mel’s Diner? Like on Alice? “Kiss My Grits for Christmas”?

Jason: I would be happy to listen to THAT Mel.

Jeff: Is this a duo project between the two Mels in the Spice Girls?

Jason: I would even listen to that, with a tambourine solo from Yankees coach Mel Stottlemyre, whom I bring up because it’s the only other Mel I can think of.

Jeff: Hey, I just found out that the Mels Motel covered “Imagine.” They must be pretty great.

Jason: Yes. They must be.

Jeff: Their album is called “Tastes Like Tequila,” which was Sammy Hagar’s nickname for your mother in 1988.

Jason: I think that’s your first mother joke this season! And it might be your last, if you don’t make it out of the Mels Motel alive. Let’s enter through the lobby, shall we?

Jason: Ahhh, the “blues.”

Jeff: Geetar!

Jason: Play it, Mel!

Jeff: CUT THE MIC

CUT IT CUT IT

Jason: The voices of angels, Jeff.

Jeff: NOOOOO

Jason: You’re only a minute in, sucka.

Jeff: This guy makes Randy Newman sound like Frankie Valli. Oh, man.

Jason: Bet you $50 he’s from Brooklyn.

Jeff: Their Twitter account describes them as an “indie rock band from New York,” so you’re probably right on. Overdubs on this recording, right?

Jason: Yes. Rumor has it that this was take 71. The first 70 takes just didn’t sound perfect.

Jeff: OH THERE IS STILL SO FAR TO GO

I just winced. Involuntarily winced.

Jason: Another $50 says this guy’s favorite album is Metal Machine Music.

Jeff: Still one minute to go! I wish I was dead. JUST BE GONE FOR CHRISTMAS ALREADY

Jason: I like the part where it speeds up for no apparent reason.

Jeff: That’s why I was asking about overdubs! It takes talent to match up with that kind of nonsense.

Jason: Well, hopefully these people will read this post and comment, like our friend in Raw Thrills last year.

Jeff: I don’t give a shit. I’m looking to see if Vic Tayback released a Christmas album.

Jason: I’d like to start a dialogue. I have a lot of questions. The first four are “Why?”

Jeff: The fifth is “how dare you?”

Jason: Well, let’s just end there. Otherwise we’ll be up all night asking questions. Because I could go into questions of tempo, tonality, pitch, production….

Jeff: No, no, no. We’ll end the only way that makes sense: with a brief clip from the Alice holiday episode “Mel, the Magi.” Specifically the bit where Flo puts an APB out on Santa.

Jason: That’s fine with me. Anything to get me out of this Motel.

Jeff: This is the only thing that’s going to make me feel even a little bit better right now. You’re such a dick for making us listen to that.

Jason: *leprechaun dance*