Jeff: You know what we haven’t had enough of this Mellowmas, Jason?
Jeff: Yes! And also tough, authentic GRIT.
Jason: Uh, I think you’re forgetting about our friends the Robertsons.
Jeff: We haven’t listened to enough artists with real rockin’ country BRAWN, Jason. Singers who aren’t afraid to pass out on the street with a bottle in their hand. OUTLAW STYLE.
Jason: …did you record a Christmas song?
Jeff: Close! Gretchen Wilson did.
Jason: Oh, I think I remember her!
Jeff: She’s the rough and rowdy type!
Jason: Won a Grammy, right?
Jeff: If she did, I’m sure she’s usin’ it for a spittoon, because that’s how Gretchen Wilson likes to roll.
Jason: Sure shootin’, Jeff! She’s a redneck woman!
Jeff: I’m glad we’re on the same page, y’all! I reckon it’s time to fire up a song from Gretchen’s new holiday record. It’s called…wait a minute…Christmas in My Heart? That can’t be right.
Jason: Maybe you read it wrong. Are you sure it’s not Dang Right It’s Christmas?
Jeff: Oh, I know, maybe these are, like, tough acoustic ballads about her days as a little girl in the trailer park. That must be it. Here’s one that looks like it’s about when she and her family were on food stamps: “Nuttin’ for Christmas.”
Jason: Yeah! Enough with the sappy Christmas music!
Your mom went nuttin’ for Christmas the other day.
Jeff: Oh, shit.
Jason: What the hell is going on?
Jeff: SHUT UP KIDS
Jason: OH GOD
EVERY GODDAMN YEAR
Jeff: Goddammit, she’s even singing like a kid.
Jason: Wait, that’s HER?
Jeff: Hold on, I’m looking at the album cover and fantasizing about biting into that strand of Christmas lights while it’s plugged in.
This is giving me diabetes.
Jason: I like how subtly she says the word “nuttin’.”
Jeff: Oh yes, this song is nothing if not subtle.
Jason: This is annoying as all hell.
AND NOW THE KIDS ARE BACK
Jeff: I just want to swear until it’s over.
Jason: NO MORE SINGING PLEASE
Jeff: OR INSTRUMENTS
Jason: OR MELLOWMAS