Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2013, Music
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The Eleventh Day of Mellowmas: Nuttin’ for Mellowmas

Jeff: You know what we haven’t had enough of this Mellowmas, Jason?

Jason: Silence?

Jeff: Yes! And also tough, authentic GRIT.

Jason: Uh, I think you’re forgetting about our friends the Robertsons.

Jeff: We haven’t listened to enough artists with real rockin’ country BRAWN, Jason. Singers who aren’t afraid to pass out on the street with a bottle in their hand. OUTLAW STYLE.

Jason: …did you record a Christmas song?

Jeff: Close! Gretchen Wilson did.

Jason: Oh, I think I remember her!

Jeff: She’s the rough and rowdy type!

Jason: Won a Grammy, right?

Jeff: If she did, I’m sure she’s usin’ it for a spittoon, because that’s how Gretchen Wilson likes to roll.

Jason: Sure shootin’, Jeff! She’s a redneck woman!

Jeff: I’m glad we’re on the same page, y’all! I reckon it’s time to fire up a song from Gretchen’s new holiday record. It’s called…wait a minute…Christmas in My Heart? That can’t be right.

Jason: Maybe you read it wrong. Are you sure it’s not Dang Right It’s Christmas?

Jeff: Oh, I know, maybe these are, like, tough acoustic ballads about her days as a little girl in the trailer park. That must be it. Here’s one that looks like it’s about when she and her family were on food stamps: “Nuttin’ for Christmas.”

Jason: Yeah! Enough with the sappy Christmas music!

Your mom went nuttin’ for Christmas the other day.

Jeff: *cackle*

Gretchen Wilson, “Nuttin’ for Christmas”

Jeff: Oh, shit.

Jason: What the hell is going on?

Jeff: SHUT UP KIDS

Jason: OH GOD

EVERY GODDAMN YEAR

KIDS

Jeff: Goddammit, she’s even singing like a kid.

Jason: Wait, that’s HER?

Jeff: Hold on, I’m looking at the album cover and fantasizing about biting into that strand of Christmas lights while it’s plugged in.

This is giving me diabetes.

Jason: I like how subtly she says the word “nuttin’.”

Jeff: Oh yes, this song is nothing if not subtle.

Jason: This is annoying as all hell.

AND NOW THE KIDS ARE BACK

Jeff: I just want to swear until it’s over.

Jason: NO MORE SINGING PLEASE

Jeff: OR INSTRUMENTS

Jason: OR MELLOWMAS