The Eleventh Day of Mellowmas: Nuttin’ for Mellowmas

Jeff: You know what we haven’t had enough of this Mellowmas, Jason?

Jason: Silence?

Jeff: Yes! And also tough, authentic GRIT.

Jason: Uh, I think you’re forgetting about our friends the Robertsons.

Jeff: We haven’t listened to enough artists with real rockin’ country BRAWN, Jason. Singers who aren’t afraid to pass out on the street with a bottle in their hand. OUTLAW STYLE.

Jason: …did you record a Christmas song?

Jeff: Close! Gretchen Wilson did.

Jason: Oh, I think I remember her!

Jeff: She’s the rough and rowdy type!

Jason: Won a Grammy, right?

Jeff: If she did, I’m sure she’s usin’ it for a spittoon, because that’s how Gretchen Wilson likes to roll.

Jason: Sure shootin’, Jeff! She’s a redneck woman!

Jeff: I’m glad we’re on the same page, y’all! I reckon it’s time to fire up a song from Gretchen’s new holiday record. It’s called…wait a minute…Christmas in My Heart? That can’t be right.

Jason: Maybe you read it wrong. Are you sure it’s not Dang Right It’s Christmas?

Jeff: Oh, I know, maybe these are, like, tough acoustic ballads about her days as a little girl in the trailer park. That must be it. Here’s one that looks like it’s about when she and her family were on food stamps: “Nuttin’ for Christmas.”

Jason: Yeah! Enough with the sappy Christmas music!

Your mom went nuttin’ for Christmas the other day.

Jeff: *cackle*

Gretchen Wilson, “Nuttin’ for Christmas”

Jeff: Oh, shit.

Jason: What the hell is going on?

Jeff: SHUT UP KIDS

Jason: OH GOD

EVERY GODDAMN YEAR

KIDS

Jeff: Goddammit, she’s even singing like a kid.

Jason: Wait, that’s HER?

Jeff: Hold on, I’m looking at the album cover and fantasizing about biting into that strand of Christmas lights while it’s plugged in.

This is giving me diabetes.

Jason: I like how subtly she says the word “nuttin’.”

Jeff: Oh yes, this song is nothing if not subtle.

Jason: This is annoying as all hell.

AND NOW THE KIDS ARE BACK

Jeff: I just want to swear until it’s over.

Jason: NO MORE SINGING PLEASE

Jeff: OR INSTRUMENTS

Jason: OR MELLOWMAS

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare
Two people, separate rooms
Trying to hurt the other
Bound together by destiny
Is there nothing they won’t do?
Will we never see them through?