Gretchen-Wilson-Christmas-In-My-Heart[1]

The Eleventh Day of Mellowmas: Nuttin’ for Mellowmas

Jeff: You know what we haven’t had enough of this Mellowmas, Jason?

Jason: Silence?

Jeff: Yes! And also tough, authentic GRIT.

Jason: Uh, I think you’re forgetting about our friends the Robertsons.

Jeff: We haven’t listened to enough artists with real rockin’ country BRAWN, Jason. Singers who aren’t afraid to pass out on the street with a bottle in their hand. OUTLAW STYLE.

Jason: …did you record a Christmas song?

Jeff: Close! Gretchen Wilson did.

Jason: Oh, I think I remember her!

Jeff: She’s the rough and rowdy type!

Jason: Won a Grammy, right?

Jeff: If she did, I’m sure she’s usin’ it for a spittoon, because that’s how Gretchen Wilson likes to roll.

Jason: Sure shootin’, Jeff! She’s a redneck woman!

Jeff: I’m glad we’re on the same page, y’all! I reckon it’s time to fire up a song from Gretchen’s new holiday record. It’s called…wait a minute…Christmas in My Heart? That can’t be right.

Jason: Maybe you read it wrong. Are you sure it’s not Dang Right It’s Christmas?

Jeff: Oh, I know, maybe these are, like, tough acoustic ballads about her days as a little girl in the trailer park. That must be it. Here’s one that looks like it’s about when she and her family were on food stamps: “Nuttin’ for Christmas.”

Jason: Yeah! Enough with the sappy Christmas music!

Your mom went nuttin’ for Christmas the other day.

Jeff: *cackle*

Gretchen Wilson, “Nuttin’ for Christmas”

Jeff: Oh, shit.

Jason: What the hell is going on?

Jeff: SHUT UP KIDS

Jason: OH GOD

EVERY GODDAMN YEAR

KIDS

Jeff: Goddammit, she’s even singing like a kid.

Jason: Wait, that’s HER?

Jeff: Hold on, I’m looking at the album cover and fantasizing about biting into that strand of Christmas lights while it’s plugged in.

This is giving me diabetes.

Jason: I like how subtly she says the word “nuttin’.”

Jeff: Oh yes, this song is nothing if not subtle.

Jason: This is annoying as all hell.

AND NOW THE KIDS ARE BACK

Jeff: I just want to swear until it’s over.

Jason: NO MORE SINGING PLEASE

Jeff: OR INSTRUMENTS

Jason: OR MELLOWMAS




  • http://sportsmyriad.com Beau

    No. I am NOT listening to this. No one’s guilt-tripping me this Christmas. I pay my taxes for your food stamps, Gretchen!

  • http://sportsmyriad.com Beau

    Instead, here’s Gretchen getting so wasted that Kid Rock has to finish the song for her: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uX6M0IrJ7ck

  • http://www.wingsforwheels.net dslifton

    What’s the matter with a world in which Duck Dynasty releases a more listenable Christmas record than a country star?

  • rockymtranger

    “This is the hardest song we’ve ever done.” And this is the hardest song I’ve had to listen to for Mellowmas.

  • Jay

    Most impressive.

  • Speedy Pepper

    I made it to the 1:56 mark. I swear I tried to listen all the way through. But when those damn kids came in again, my reaction was kinda like David Naughton’s conversion in “American Werewolf in London.”

  • Mordalo

    Yeah…that was bad. Someone hand me that drill over there. I gotta get it outta my ears.

  • Scott Peterson

    As soon as the track started, I literally clicked through my other browser windows, thinking some terribly annoying ad had started to auto-play somewhere. But no: ol’ Gretch WANTED it to sound that way. Even by Mellowmas standards, this was AWFUL.

  • Jay

    UNWRAP THE GIFT! UNWRAP THE GIFT!

  • Jay

    (J-E-S-U-S!)

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    Your Mellowmas memories are as impressive as they are diabolical, Jay.

  • kingofgrief

    I’ve listened to that one twice so far this week. Now playing: “Happy Christmas to Ya”. I don’t think the experiment is working on me…

  • CraigoryVOL

    Well, this one’s a “winner.” That’s the most painful ‘song’ so far this year.

  • Brett Alan

    You know what REALLY sucks? Gretchen Wilson really could have done a perfectly serviceable version of this song, if she’d just done it as an adult.

    Or is “perfectly serviceable” worse than “godawful in the grand Mellowmas tradition”? hehe