The Fifteenth Day of Mellowmas: Spray-On Tans And Colossal Jugs

Written by Mellowmas, Music

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Two weeks ago today, Mellowmas began. We can’t believe you’re still reading this crap. It doesn’t get any better, you know. Just worse. Observe:

Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton – I Believe In Santa Claus (download or stream below)
From Once Upon A Christmas Amazon iTunes

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[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton – I Believe In Santa Claus.mp3]

Jason: Hey, real drums!

Jeff: Pedal steel! This is what triple scale got you in Nashville in 1984. Or whenever this mellow mothball came out.

Jason: You know, they have that one fucking “Islands In The Stream” hit and they’re doing a whole album.

Jeff: I’m pretty sure they’ve done multiple Christmas albums.

Jason: Listen to Kenny’s vocal. He’s phoning it in!

Jeff: How much do you want to bet they both phoned these in?

Jason: Oh god, somebody shoot Dolly.

Jeff: Literally.

Jason: She just did that voice thing she thinks is cute, but isn’t. “I believe when someone hurts us, we should forgive and forget.” I will neither forgive NOR forget this dreck. Plus, it has nothing to actually do with Santa Claus.

Jeff: I believe in immaculately groomed beards.

Jason: I believe in spray-on tans.

Jeff: I believe in colossal jugs.

Jason: I believe in trans-fat coated fried chicken.

Jeff: I believe I’ve heard better Christmas songs.

Jason: I believe in women who resemble The Joker.

Jeff: I believe these drums are embarrassing.

Jason: The guitarist is in seventh heaven. Apparently nobody told him to rein it in.

Jeff: Oh God!

Jason: OH FUCK.

Jeff: Children’s choir!!!

Jason: KIDS! FUCKING KIDS!

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This is this best! And by “best,” I mean “hellishly awful”!

Jason: There was a little Dolly giggle in there. “Let the whole world sing!” Except the Muslims! Not so fast, Jews!’

Jeff: Ha ha ha! “No one invited you, sneaky Mormons!”

Jason: What, exactly, did that song have to do with Christmas, other than that ONE line?

Jeff: WOW. That was INCREDIBLE.

Jason: Yeah, that was rough. I bet the whole album is like that.

Jeff: I’d rather not find out, thank you very much. I will send this to everyone I hate.

Jason: In that case, I’m honored you sent it to me first.

[youtube]mpnb6WxO_os[/youtube]