The Fifth Day of Mellowmas: A Mellowmas Down Under

Written by Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2013, Music

Jason: Good day, sir! I present a challenge to you.

Jeff: I do not accept! Goodbye.

Jason: You get back here right now! You know damn well we have approximately a million days left of this wretched celebration.

Jeff: *weeps, gnashes*

Jason: It’s too late to turn back now, Jeff. I believe, I believe, I believe you’re knee-deep in craaaaap.

Jeff: That sounds like the chorus to a song I’d much rather be listening to than whatever it is you’ve got planned for us.

Jason: Here’s my challenge. I’m going to tell you this band’s name, and you can’t make any mother jokes.

Jeff: Ooooooooh.

Jason: Toehider.

Jeff: *bites tongue clean off*

Jason: Tough, right?

Jeff: I’m sorry, did you say…Toehider?

Jason: I did. Do you know anything about Toehider?

Jeff: That sounds like the spot where sex and fungus meet. Might as well be Mellowmas, I guess.

Jason: You are flying DANGEROUSLY close to a mother joke, Jeff. You’re on warning.

Jeff: *clears throat, sits up straight*

Jason: Would you like me to tell you about Toehider?

Jeff: Is it the name of a peaceful little town far, far away from here?

Jason: Beats me. The truth is, I don’t know a damn thing about Toehider.

Jeff: It can’t possibly be hard to Google.

Jason: I would advise against it. You’ll probably pull up pictures of…shit, I almost fell into my own trap!

Jeff: Aha! They’re an Australian band. Australians seem like nice people, as long as you aren’t an Aborigine.

“Australia’s most prolific progressive rock act.” OH NO. So this is like Yes with kangaroos?

Jason: So…many…mother…jokes…

Jeff: Oh, this link here says they’re influenced by Queen. You’re going to love this.

Jason: Let’s listen to “Under the Mistletoe”!

Jeff: Hey, sleigh bells! How clever.

Jason: You just know something good is coming!

Jeff: Oh no! Stop! Stop it!

Jason: Yaaaaaaay!


Jason: I’m clapping along! These guys are AWESOME!


Jason: I think Mika might be in this band. HEY HEY HEY!

Jeff: I think someone melted a Darkness record over an open flame. This is not fun. I don’t want this to keep going.

Jason: I kind of LOVE THIS.

Jeff: You’re insane.

Jason: I think he just said something about a cat being inside?

Jeff: The song, combined with the logo, is making me feel like I’m inside a nightmare.

Jason: Come on, Jeff! This is fun! WHEEEEE! Piano!

Oooh, interlude-y!

Jeff: I think if this had no vocals, I might like it. The arrangement is pretty clever.

Jason: It takes skill to sing like this! WHOA! There are some SERIOUS vocals going on right now!

Jeff: Yeah, these guys were serious about the Queen thing.

Jason: This part totally is ripped off from Queen II. It’s right out of “March of the Black Queen.” I wonder if I should put this on the Christmas mix I make for my grandma this year.

Jeff: How eager are you to inherit?

That was skillfully assembled, I have to admit. I didn’t like it one bit, but it took some chops.

Jason: Would you like to hear them yell “Carol of the Bells” right in your freaking face?

Jeff: I would not!

Jason: Too bad!

Jeff: Oh, goddammit. Are you making me listen to the “choral” or “rock” version?

Jason: What the hell, we can do both!


Jason: Let’s start with choral!

Jeff: Oh good, it’s only 1:17!

Jason: That just blew my hair back. And shaved off my eyebrows.

Jeff: Stop yelling at me, Toehider!

Jason: Those are some high, high notes, Jeff.

Jeff: Oh, wow…that high part. This guy makes the lead singer of Steelheart sound like Barry White.

Jason: How do they do it? I feel like I’d sing this once and then I’d never be able to actually sing again.

Jeff: I wish that were true of Toehider!

Jason: Okay, now the rock version!

Jeff: *braces self*


Jeff: You have lost your Mellowmas mind.

Jason: I know! I love it!

Jeff: I bet my son would like this. I bet he’d run around screaming just like Toehider.

Jason: I am totally on board with this. I would headbang if I wasn’t so very old. I’m a fan.

Jeff: I mean, I guess it’s probably better than a lot of the stuff we listen to at Mellowmas. But it’s so aggressive, Jason! We just met Toehider, and here they are, rocking our faces off.

Jason: My face feels more rocked than it’s been in quite some time. This is what happens when your holiday is filled with Zendaya. You’re just not prepared.

Jeff: Toehider: Australian for Mellowmas.