Jeff: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the fifth day of Mellowmas!
Jason: My favorite day of all Mellowmas days!
Jeff: No kidding! I never knew.
Jason: Just kidding. Each one is worse than the one that preceded it. My favorite day of Mellowmas is December 26th.
Jeff: Hey, speaking of which, today we’re going back in Mellow time. All the way to 1974!
Jason: No way!
Jeff: When I was just a wee Jefito, and you were…wait, how does your dad put it?
Jason: Oh no.
Jeff: Something about something running down someone’s leg. I forget.
Jason: I’ve blocked it out of my memory, but that sounds about right. calls therapist
Jeff: Anyway, that isn’t important. What’s important is that, for some reason, this year we have a Gilbert O’Sullivan reissue for Mellowmas.
Jason: That’s AMAZING! When we started Mellowmas, the original idea was that we’d be covering holiday songs by Mellow Gold artists — until we found out that the Christmas music craze didn’t hit during the Mellow years.
Jeff: I’m not sure why we didn’t know about this sooner, but Gilbert recorded a Christmas song in 1974.
Jason: hangs head in shame
Jeff: Actually, no, I see why we didn’t know about it — it never charted here. Because America had rightly moved on from Gilbert O’Sullivan by 1974.
Jason: You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, Jeff.
Jeff: The Mellow dead. Are you still getting hate mail for your column about Greg Guidry or whoever that was?
Jason: Thankfully, no. redials therapist
Jeff: It doesn’t matter, because Gilbert O’Sullivan is STILL ALIVE. Still making music, even. I think his last record was called Gilbertland. I’m hoping it’s all duets with Gilbert Gottfried.
Jason: “Gilbertland” sounds like the least popular tourist destination in the UK, ten years running. I think it’d be funny if you called your nether regions “Gilbertland.”
Jeff: Sorry, it’s Gilbertville. But that would be funny too.
Jason: You were all “Hey, baby. Welcome to Gilbertville. Parking is validated.”
Jeff: Also funny is the series of dashes on the Wikipedia page where chart peaks are supposed to go.
Jason: Some of his song titles are so sad.
“Hello, It’s Goodbye”
“I Love It But”
Jeff: Nothing is sadder than 2004’s The Berry Vest of Gilbert O’Sullivan. Maybe I only think that’s sad because I happen to own a berry vest, courtesy of your stupid ass.
Jason: Liberace dance
Jeff: On the cover, there’s a picture of a tank top with some berries silk-screened on it.
Jason: Other awesome titles: “I Wish I Could Cry”
“Lost a Friend”
“Bear With Me”
Jeff: “No Matter How Hard I Try”
“Why Oh Why Oh Why”
Jason: “Underneath the Blanket Go.” ewwwww!
Jeff: Oh God! And “Two’s Company (Three Is Allowed)”
Jason: Isn’t that your mom’s welcome mat?
Jeff: I think it’s actually “(Three Is 30 Percent Off),” but close enough. ANYWAY. Gilbert Sad Sack O’Sullivan recorded a Christmas song, and we’re here to listen to it. I figured this would be right up your alley, even though your mines of mellow gold have grown dusty with disuse.
Wait, that sounded gross.
Jason: And yet it’s true.
Jeff: Alleys and dusty mines. Gilbert is getting to me.
“I Guess We Might As Well Begin”
Jason: “We Have Nothing Better to Do”
Jeff: “Do You Feel Like Starting?”
Jason: “Shrugging Is My Favorite Gesture”
Gilbert O’Sullivan, “A Christmas Song” (download)
Jeff: Syrupy strings! My favorite kind!
Jason: Yeah, this sounds exactly like I would imagine it to sound. Don’t forget the jingle bells!
Jeff: Double-tracked wuss! The best!
Jason: Ahh, the Gilbert O’Sullivan double-tracked vocal. With harp!
Jeff: He doesn’t care if it snows, he just wants peace. Does Gilbert think it’s somehow more difficult to have snow?
Jason: Did he just only wish a happy holiday to those of us who live in fear? Wouldn’t that be everybody listening to this song right now?
Jason: OH GOD
Jeff: How much you want to bet that’s actually Gilbert?
Jason: UGH BRITISH KIDS
EVEN WORSE THAN NORMAL KIDS
Jeff: Let us hope that very soon, the peace you seek will then resume!
Jason: THE KIDS ARE BACK
Jeff: Gilbert AND kids. He’s pouring it all on here. Speaking of which, there are those strings again.
Jason: The drummer has fallen asleep on his snare drum.
Jeff: …And tasteful end!
Jason: You know what? Quite honestly, I was prepared to keep this one around.
Jeff: By “keep this one around,” do you mean “add it to my real holiday playlist”?
Jason: Yes. The one that I listen to only on my own, but yes.
Jeff: shakes head
Jason: I kind of liked it in the same way I like “Alone Again (Naturally),” which isn’t really surprising.
But then THE KIDS. Why don’t people understand that kids ruin everything?
Jeff: Definitely the dealbreaker that pushes this song from “innocuously lame holiday jingle” over the edge to “eww, get away.”
Jason: Still, I’m glad we got an authentic ’70s Christmas track. It may be the only one all season.
Jeff: …Or it may not be. foreshadowing
Jason: I’d love to say I just set you up, but I seriously have no idea.
“Won’t Somebody Tell Me (What’s Going On)”
Jeff: “You’ll Be the Last to Know”
Jason: “Doesn’t It Make You Sick”
Jeff: “This Is Going to Hurt Both of Us”
Jason: Mine is an actual Gilbert O’Sullivan title, motherfucker!
Jeff: Damn! I just got O’Sullivaned!