The First Day of Mellowmas: Holiday Bloops
Jeff: HO, HO, HO, JASON!
JASON! IT IS MELLOWMAS!
Jason: INDEED IT IS, GOOD SIRE! So nice to be with you again!
Jeff: Readers, please mark this down: Jason has just used the word “good” for the first and last time this Mellowmas.
Also probably “nice.”
Jason: You know what would be nice? If we got together for something other than this wretched, wretched holiday.
Well, we did manage to get our families together over the summer, but no one needs to know about that.
Jason: That’s right! Our kids hung out! It was wonderful!
Jeff: It was! And no Christmas music was involved whatsoever.
Jason: I hope my kids turn out like yours. They listen to really good music, you know?
Jeff: They do, it’s true. And lately, we seem to have kindie artists hanging out at the house, which is pretty terrific. Some kids turn out differently.
Jason: Yeah, that’s amazing! Especially because it seems like the choices for kids these days leaves a little to be desi…some kids turn out differently?
Jeff: Yes, friend! Some kids, for instance, end up starring in shows on the Disney Channel and then singing on holiday soundtracks for said channel.
Jason: Like who?
Jeff: Boy, are you going to be sorry you asked. Jason! Meet Zendaya.
Jason: Jeff, you know what I’m going to ask, don’t you. What the hell is a Zendaya?
Jeff: I honestly don’t have an answer for you. I only know that Zendaya is somehow involved with a show called “Shake It Up.”
Jason: I have never heard of Zendaya or this show, which makes me very old.
Jeff: I’m right there with you. But thanks to Google, I now know that “Shake It Up” is just about over, and Zendaya is the BREAKOUT STAR of the show, which means she’s about to get her own series.
Jason: I see she has a song called “Swag It Out,” which makes me want to do bodily harm to myself.
Jeff: Again: right there with you. Jason, Zendaya was born in 1996.
Jason: Wasn’t it JUST 1996?
Jeff: I feel like it was!
Jason: oh good grief, her discography has its own Wikipedia page.
Jeff: NEITHER OF US HAS A WIKIPEDIA PAGE. I hereby propose that from now on, the act of getting old without getting one’s own Wikipedia page should be referred to as “being Zendaya’d.”
Jeff: Motion carried. Which brings us to Zendaya’s holiday song.
Jason: Yes. What hell hath Zendaya wrought upon us this Mellowmas?
Jeff: It is titled “Shake Santa Shake.”
Jason: Sounds gross already.
Jeff: That’s the bad news, the very bad news. The good news is that it’s two minutes and 56 seconds long.
Jason: I bet our readers would like us to stop stalling and get to the track. Why delay the inevitable?
Jeff: Ah, holiday blooping. The best kind of blooping.
Jason, who’s that dude in the cherry red suit tearing up the floor tonight?
Jason: SANTA IS NOT A DUDE, ZENDAYA
Jeff: He has a beard that’s crazy white.
Jason: Well, THAT’S true.
Jeff: He’s dancing like he’s Michael. Spinning like the vinyl.
Jason: You know what I like about this track? It’s subtle.
Jeff: I’m choking on your sarcasm. Heimlich!
Jason: We want the merry merry!
Jeff: Sipping the eggnog in VIP!
I really, really hate this.
Jason: I have it on good authority that Zendaya does not actually know what “vinyl” is.
Jeff: I know I like to make fun of Christmas music cliches, but I feel like “that’s how we do” doesn’t belong in a holiday song. Also, the “we want the merry, merry” part makes me want to PUNCH.
Jason: I feel like “everything that’s happened in this song so far” doesn’t belong in a holiday song.
Jeff: Remember when we listened to the En Vogue holiday record and whined about the production? Now I’m nostalgic for that.
Jason: Yeah. I feel like I’ve been punched in the face by Pro Tools. Actually, is that even a thing anymore? Has Pro Tools been replaced? I know it was big in 1996.
Jeff: I wish we had a kid around so we could ask them if this song sounds fun to them, instead of just, like, really shrill and aggressive.
Jason: “She studied her craft at the CalShakes Conservatory Program and at the American Conservatory Theater. Her other stage credits include Richard III, Twelfth Night, and As You Like It.”
Jeff: I think you might be looking at the entry for a different Zendaya?
Jason: Jeff, there’s only one Zendaya.
Jeff: I can’t be anything but thankful for that.
Jason: And she has started Mellowmas off with…not a bang, but, like, a lot of other really odd processed noises.
Jeff: Yes! Not a bang, but a sdddddddddddthhhhhhhhhhhhzzzzzzzzzzzzkkkkkkkkkk.
Jason: Well, I’m off to the bathroom. I think I have the holiday bloops.