The First Day of Mellowmas: Holiday Bloops

Jeff: HO, HO, HO, JASON!

Jason: INDEED IT IS, GOOD SIRE! So nice to be with you again!

Jeff: Readers, please mark this down: Jason has just used the word “good” for the first and last time this Mellowmas.

Also probably “nice.”

Jason: You know what would be nice? If we got together for something other than this wretched, wretched holiday.

Well, we did manage to get our families together over the summer, but no one needs to know about that.

Jason: That’s right! Our kids hung out! It was wonderful!

Jeff: It was! And no Christmas music was involved whatsoever.

Jason: I hope my kids turn out like yours. They listen to really good music, you know?

Jeff: They do, it’s true. And lately, we seem to have kindie artists hanging out at the house, which is pretty terrific. Some kids turn out differently.

Jason: Yeah, that’s amazing! Especially because it seems like the choices for kids these days leaves a little to be desi…some kids turn out differently?

Jeff: Yes, friend! Some kids, for instance, end up starring in shows on the Disney Channel and then singing on holiday soundtracks for said channel.

Jason: Like who?

Jeff: Boy, are you going to be sorry you asked. Jason! Meet Zendaya.

Jason: Jeff, you know what I’m going to ask, don’t you. What the hell is a Zendaya?

Jeff: I honestly don’t have an answer for you. I only know that Zendaya is somehow involved with a show called “Shake It Up.”

Jason: I have never heard of Zendaya or this show, which makes me very old.

Jeff: I’m right there with you. But thanks to Google, I now know that “Shake It Up” is just about over, and Zendaya is the BREAKOUT STAR of the show, which means she’s about to get her own series.

Jason: I see she has a song called “Swag It Out,” which makes me want to do bodily harm to myself.

Jeff: Again: right there with you. Jason, Zendaya was born in 1996.

Jason: Wasn’t it JUST 1996?

Jeff: I feel like it was!

Jason: oh good grief, her discography has its own Wikipedia page.

Jeff: NEITHER OF US HAS A WIKIPEDIA PAGE. I hereby propose that from now on, the act of getting old without getting one’s own Wikipedia page should be referred to as “being Zendaya’d.”

Jason: Seconded!

Jeff: Motion carried. Which brings us to Zendaya’s holiday song.

Jason: Yes. What hell hath Zendaya wrought upon us this Mellowmas?

Jeff: It is titled “Shake Santa Shake.”

Jason: Sounds gross already.

Jeff: That’s the bad news, the very bad news. The good news is that it’s two minutes and 56 seconds long.

Jason: I bet our readers would like us to stop stalling and get to the track. Why delay the inevitable?

Jeff: Ah, holiday blooping. The best kind of blooping.

Jason, who’s that dude in the cherry red suit tearing up the floor tonight?


Jeff: He has a beard that’s crazy white.

Jason: Well, THAT’S true.

Jeff: He’s dancing like he’s Michael. Spinning like the vinyl.

Jason: You know what I like about this track? It’s subtle.

Jeff: I’m choking on your sarcasm. Heimlich!

Jason: We want the merry merry!

Jeff: Sipping the eggnog in VIP!

I really, really hate this.

Jason: I have it on good authority that Zendaya does not actually know what “vinyl” is.

Jeff: I know I like to make fun of Christmas music cliches, but I feel like “that’s how we do” doesn’t belong in a holiday song. Also, the “we want the merry, merry” part makes me want to PUNCH.

Jason: I feel like “everything that’s happened in this song so far” doesn’t belong in a holiday song.

Jeff: Remember when we listened to the En Vogue holiday record and whined about the production? Now I’m nostalgic for that.

Jason: Yeah. I feel like I’ve been punched in the face by Pro Tools. Actually, is that even a thing anymore? Has Pro Tools been replaced? I know it was big in 1996.

Jeff: I wish we had a kid around so we could ask them if this song sounds fun to them, instead of just, like, really shrill and aggressive.

Jason: “She studied her craft at the CalShakes Conservatory Program and at the American Conservatory Theater. Her other stage credits include Richard III, Twelfth Night, and As You Like It.”

Jeff: I think you might be looking at the entry for a different Zendaya?

Jason: Jeff, there’s only one Zendaya.

Jeff: I can’t be anything but thankful for that.

Jason: And she has started Mellowmas off with…not a bang, but, like, a lot of other really odd processed noises.

Jeff: Yes! Not a bang, but a sdddddddddddthhhhhhhhhhhhzzzzzzzzzzzzkkkkkkkkkk.

Jason: Well, I’m off to the bathroom. I think I have the holiday bloops.

  • http://www.wingsforwheels.net dslifton

    Sadly, this is the second tune in Mellowmas history with “Shake” in the title.

  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

    “Breakout Disney star” is closely related to “colostomy bag for the senses.”

  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

    I don’t have too much trouble with “shake” as much as the strip club parallels in the lyrics. At least she didn’t sing (?) “Santa’s gonna make it rain! What-what?”

  • http://sportsmyriad.com Beau

    I think she actually said “Divinyls.” At least, that’s what I’m saying to console myself.

  • JonCummings

    I just played this for Catie – who was a fan of “Shake It Up” until about a year ago – and she says “This song is poo. I’m going to go listen to some good Christmas music … by Taylor Swift.”

  • mlk

    I didn’t expect much from a Disney breakout star- so in that sense it pretty much met expectations. True gold from series comes from those that you expect more from. Had someone with any real merit done this, it’d rank a bigger yule log.

  • Jay Nagy


  • Jay Nagy

    But for the benefit of those who don’t remember it, Dave, maybe you could December it and reassemble it. Oh yeah.

  • Dustin

    Thanks, guys. Now I’ve got “We want the merry, merry” on repeat in my head.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=679113018 MichaelWSP

    Well, this is repulsive. Not Duvall/Figgleghorn repulsive, but repulsive. Is this the first Xmas song with that horrible dubstep pseudo bass noise? A friend of a friend described dubstep as “the sound of robots raping each other.” It’s applicability to Xmas music was only a matter of time.

  • Jay Nagy

    Hey, you can kinda mind-medley this into “Barbie Girl”. Aren’t you glad I thought of that?

  • http://www.jasonhare.com jasonhare


  • http://www.autographedcat.com/ Rob Wynne

    I played this for my wife, who remarked at the end: “That certainly puts the “retch” back into “wretched”.

  • reval5

    This elicited the first “What IS this?” of the year from my wife. Hurrah!

  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

    Hang in there, Jon. The Tay-tay train can’t have many more cars left to go.

  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

  • Old_Davy

    This song makes Rebecca Black’s “Friday” sound like “Won’t Get Fooled Again”.

  • http://www.terjefjelde.com/ Terje Fjelde

    It’s so wonderful that you know that! And now I’m trying to imagine what every Mellowmas post ever written put into a gigantic tag cloud would look like.

  • http://www.autographedcat.com/ Rob Wynne

    Pretty sure it would like like a war crime under the Geneva Convention.

  • mattsledge

    *slow hand clapping* Well played, gentlemen.

  • http://www.wingsforwheels.net dslifton

    I fear that I’m turning into the unofficial historian of Mellowmas, Terje.

  • rockymtranger

    Wow…Popdose comes back HARD right outta the box. Be afraid where it goes from here. Side note: I totally thought this was going to be about a drag queen based on the picture at the top of the post. Other than RuPaul, do we know of any other drag queen Christmas songs? Must find…

  • Dolph Chaney

    No other Popdose writer or reader watches Dancing With The Stars? She was a very successful contestant. Nice kid… with FRIGHTENING neon talons.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    You know more about “Dancing with the Stars” than anyone here, Dolph.

  • Rob Ross

    Why do the Germans always have to come into everything? “Heimlich”. Christ.

  • http://www.autographedcat.com/ Rob Wynne

    Just make sure, whatever you do, you don’t mention the war.

  • Rob Ross

    Oh, I will. They started it. Especially when they bombed Pearl Harbor.

  • http://www.autographedcat.com/ Rob Wynne

    *to assembled guests* Please, please, don’t mind him. He’s from Barcelona.