Zendaya

The First Day of Mellowmas: Holiday Bloops

Jeff: HO, HO, HO, JASON!
JASON! IT IS MELLOWMAS!

Jason: INDEED IT IS, GOOD SIRE! So nice to be with you again!

Jeff: Readers, please mark this down: Jason has just used the word “good” for the first and last time this Mellowmas.

Also probably “nice.”

Jason: You know what would be nice? If we got together for something other than this wretched, wretched holiday.

Jeff:
Well, we did manage to get our families together over the summer, but no one needs to know about that.

Jason: That’s right! Our kids hung out! It was wonderful!

Jeff: It was! And no Christmas music was involved whatsoever.

Jason: I hope my kids turn out like yours. They listen to really good music, you know?

Jeff: They do, it’s true. And lately, we seem to have kindie artists hanging out at the house, which is pretty terrific. Some kids turn out differently.

Jason: Yeah, that’s amazing! Especially because it seems like the choices for kids these days leaves a little to be desi…some kids turn out differently?

Jeff: Yes, friend! Some kids, for instance, end up starring in shows on the Disney Channel and then singing on holiday soundtracks for said channel.

Jason: Like who?

Jeff: Boy, are you going to be sorry you asked. Jason! Meet Zendaya.

Jason: Jeff, you know what I’m going to ask, don’t you. What the hell is a Zendaya?

Jeff: I honestly don’t have an answer for you. I only know that Zendaya is somehow involved with a show called “Shake It Up.”

Jason: I have never heard of Zendaya or this show, which makes me very old.

Jeff: I’m right there with you. But thanks to Google, I now know that “Shake It Up” is just about over, and Zendaya is the BREAKOUT STAR of the show, which means she’s about to get her own series.

Jason: I see she has a song called “Swag It Out,” which makes me want to do bodily harm to myself.

Jeff: Again: right there with you. Jason, Zendaya was born in 1996.

Jason: Wasn’t it JUST 1996?

Jeff: I feel like it was!

Jason: oh good grief, her discography has its own Wikipedia page.

Jeff: NEITHER OF US HAS A WIKIPEDIA PAGE. I hereby propose that from now on, the act of getting old without getting one’s own Wikipedia page should be referred to as “being Zendaya’d.”

Jason: Seconded!

Jeff: Motion carried. Which brings us to Zendaya’s holiday song.

Jason: Yes. What hell hath Zendaya wrought upon us this Mellowmas?

Jeff: It is titled “Shake Santa Shake.”

Jason: Sounds gross already.

Jeff: That’s the bad news, the very bad news. The good news is that it’s two minutes and 56 seconds long.

Jason: I bet our readers would like us to stop stalling and get to the track. Why delay the inevitable?

Jeff: Ah, holiday blooping. The best kind of blooping.

Jason, who’s that dude in the cherry red suit tearing up the floor tonight?

Jason: SANTA IS NOT A DUDE, ZENDAYA

Jeff: He has a beard that’s crazy white.

Jason: Well, THAT’S true.

Jeff: He’s dancing like he’s Michael. Spinning like the vinyl.

Jason: You know what I like about this track? It’s subtle.

Jeff: I’m choking on your sarcasm. Heimlich!

Jason: We want the merry merry!

Jeff: Sipping the eggnog in VIP!

I really, really hate this.

Jason: I have it on good authority that Zendaya does not actually know what “vinyl” is.

Jeff: I know I like to make fun of Christmas music cliches, but I feel like “that’s how we do” doesn’t belong in a holiday song. Also, the “we want the merry, merry” part makes me want to PUNCH.

Jason: I feel like “everything that’s happened in this song so far” doesn’t belong in a holiday song.

Jeff: Remember when we listened to the En Vogue holiday record and whined about the production? Now I’m nostalgic for that.

Jason: Yeah. I feel like I’ve been punched in the face by Pro Tools. Actually, is that even a thing anymore? Has Pro Tools been replaced? I know it was big in 1996.

Jeff: I wish we had a kid around so we could ask them if this song sounds fun to them, instead of just, like, really shrill and aggressive.

Jason: “She studied her craft at the CalShakes Conservatory Program and at the American Conservatory Theater. Her other stage credits include Richard III, Twelfth Night, and As You Like It.”

Jeff: I think you might be looking at the entry for a different Zendaya?

Jason: Jeff, there’s only one Zendaya.

Jeff: I can’t be anything but thankful for that.

Jason: And she has started Mellowmas off with…not a bang, but, like, a lot of other really odd processed noises.

Jeff: Yes! Not a bang, but a sdddddddddddthhhhhhhhhhhhzzzzzzzzzzzzkkkkkkkkkk.

Jason: Well, I’m off to the bathroom. I think I have the holiday bloops.




  • http://www.wingsforwheels.net dslifton

    Sadly, this is the second tune in Mellowmas history with “Shake” in the title.

  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

    “Breakout Disney star” is closely related to “colostomy bag for the senses.”

  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

    I don’t have too much trouble with “shake” as much as the strip club parallels in the lyrics. At least she didn’t sing (?) “Santa’s gonna make it rain! What-what?”

  • http://sportsmyriad.com Beau

    I think she actually said “Divinyls.” At least, that’s what I’m saying to console myself.

  • JonCummings

    I just played this for Catie – who was a fan of “Shake It Up” until about a year ago – and she says “This song is poo. I’m going to go listen to some good Christmas music … by Taylor Swift.”

  • mlk

    I didn’t expect much from a Disney breakout star- so in that sense it pretty much met expectations. True gold from series comes from those that you expect more from. Had someone with any real merit done this, it’d rank a bigger yule log.

  • Jay Nagy

    COME AWN, Y’ALL! IT’S CHRISTMASTAAAHHM!

  • Jay Nagy

    But for the benefit of those who don’t remember it, Dave, maybe you could December it and reassemble it. Oh yeah.

  • Dustin

    Thanks, guys. Now I’ve got “We want the merry, merry” on repeat in my head.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=679113018 MichaelWSP

    Well, this is repulsive. Not Duvall/Figgleghorn repulsive, but repulsive. Is this the first Xmas song with that horrible dubstep pseudo bass noise? A friend of a friend described dubstep as “the sound of robots raping each other.” It’s applicability to Xmas music was only a matter of time.

  • Jay Nagy

    Hey, you can kinda mind-medley this into “Barbie Girl”. Aren’t you glad I thought of that?

  • http://www.jasonhare.com jasonhare

    No.

  • http://www.autographedcat.com/ Rob Wynne

    I played this for my wife, who remarked at the end: “That certainly puts the “retch” back into “wretched”.

  • reval5

    This elicited the first “What IS this?” of the year from my wife. Hurrah!

  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

    Hang in there, Jon. The Tay-tay train can’t have many more cars left to go.

  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

  • Old_Davy

    This song makes Rebecca Black’s “Friday” sound like “Won’t Get Fooled Again”.

  • http://www.terjefjelde.com/ Terje Fjelde

    It’s so wonderful that you know that! And now I’m trying to imagine what every Mellowmas post ever written put into a gigantic tag cloud would look like.

  • http://www.autographedcat.com/ Rob Wynne

    Pretty sure it would like like a war crime under the Geneva Convention.

  • mattsledge

    *slow hand clapping* Well played, gentlemen.

  • http://www.wingsforwheels.net dslifton

    I fear that I’m turning into the unofficial historian of Mellowmas, Terje.

  • rockymtranger

    Wow…Popdose comes back HARD right outta the box. Be afraid where it goes from here. Side note: I totally thought this was going to be about a drag queen based on the picture at the top of the post. Other than RuPaul, do we know of any other drag queen Christmas songs? Must find…

  • Dolph Chaney

    No other Popdose writer or reader watches Dancing With The Stars? She was a very successful contestant. Nice kid… with FRIGHTENING neon talons.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    You know more about “Dancing with the Stars” than anyone here, Dolph.

  • Rob Ross

    Why do the Germans always have to come into everything? “Heimlich”. Christ.

  • http://www.autographedcat.com/ Rob Wynne

    Just make sure, whatever you do, you don’t mention the war.

  • Rob Ross

    Oh, I will. They started it. Especially when they bombed Pearl Harbor.

  • http://www.autographedcat.com/ Rob Wynne

    *to assembled guests* Please, please, don’t mind him. He’s from Barcelona.