Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2013, Music
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The First Day of Mellowmas: Holiday Bloops

Jeff: HO, HO, HO, JASON!
JASON! IT IS MELLOWMAS!

Jason: INDEED IT IS, GOOD SIRE! So nice to be with you again!

Jeff: Readers, please mark this down: Jason has just used the word “good” for the first and last time this Mellowmas.

Also probably “nice.”

Jason: You know what would be nice? If we got together for something other than this wretched, wretched holiday.

Jeff:
Well, we did manage to get our families together over the summer, but no one needs to know about that.

Jason: That’s right! Our kids hung out! It was wonderful!

Jeff: It was! And no Christmas music was involved whatsoever.

Jason: I hope my kids turn out like yours. They listen to really good music, you know?

Jeff: They do, it’s true. And lately, we seem to have kindie artists hanging out at the house, which is pretty terrific. Some kids turn out differently.

Jason: Yeah, that’s amazing! Especially because it seems like the choices for kids these days leaves a little to be desi…some kids turn out differently?

Jeff: Yes, friend! Some kids, for instance, end up starring in shows on the Disney Channel and then singing on holiday soundtracks for said channel.

Jason: Like who?

Jeff: Boy, are you going to be sorry you asked. Jason! Meet Zendaya.

Jason: Jeff, you know what I’m going to ask, don’t you. What the hell is a Zendaya?

Jeff: I honestly don’t have an answer for you. I only know that Zendaya is somehow involved with a show called “Shake It Up.”

Jason: I have never heard of Zendaya or this show, which makes me very old.

Jeff: I’m right there with you. But thanks to Google, I now know that “Shake It Up” is just about over, and Zendaya is the BREAKOUT STAR of the show, which means she’s about to get her own series.

Jason: I see she has a song called “Swag It Out,” which makes me want to do bodily harm to myself.

Jeff: Again: right there with you. Jason, Zendaya was born in 1996.

Jason: Wasn’t it JUST 1996?

Jeff: I feel like it was!

Jason: oh good grief, her discography has its own Wikipedia page.

Jeff: NEITHER OF US HAS A WIKIPEDIA PAGE. I hereby propose that from now on, the act of getting old without getting one’s own Wikipedia page should be referred to as “being Zendaya’d.”

Jason: Seconded!

Jeff: Motion carried. Which brings us to Zendaya’s holiday song.

Jason: Yes. What hell hath Zendaya wrought upon us this Mellowmas?

Jeff: It is titled “Shake Santa Shake.”

Jason: Sounds gross already.

Jeff: That’s the bad news, the very bad news. The good news is that it’s two minutes and 56 seconds long.

Jason: I bet our readers would like us to stop stalling and get to the track. Why delay the inevitable?

Jeff: Ah, holiday blooping. The best kind of blooping.

Jason, who’s that dude in the cherry red suit tearing up the floor tonight?

Jason: SANTA IS NOT A DUDE, ZENDAYA

Jeff: He has a beard that’s crazy white.

Jason: Well, THAT’S true.

Jeff: He’s dancing like he’s Michael. Spinning like the vinyl.

Jason: You know what I like about this track? It’s subtle.

Jeff: I’m choking on your sarcasm. Heimlich!

Jason: We want the merry merry!

Jeff: Sipping the eggnog in VIP!

I really, really hate this.

Jason: I have it on good authority that Zendaya does not actually know what “vinyl” is.

Jeff: I know I like to make fun of Christmas music cliches, but I feel like “that’s how we do” doesn’t belong in a holiday song. Also, the “we want the merry, merry” part makes me want to PUNCH.

Jason: I feel like “everything that’s happened in this song so far” doesn’t belong in a holiday song.

Jeff: Remember when we listened to the En Vogue holiday record and whined about the production? Now I’m nostalgic for that.

Jason: Yeah. I feel like I’ve been punched in the face by Pro Tools. Actually, is that even a thing anymore? Has Pro Tools been replaced? I know it was big in 1996.

Jeff: I wish we had a kid around so we could ask them if this song sounds fun to them, instead of just, like, really shrill and aggressive.

Jason: “She studied her craft at the CalShakes Conservatory Program and at the American Conservatory Theater. Her other stage credits include Richard III, Twelfth Night, and As You Like It.”

Jeff: I think you might be looking at the entry for a different Zendaya?

Jason: Jeff, there’s only one Zendaya.

Jeff: I can’t be anything but thankful for that.

Jason: And she has started Mellowmas off with…not a bang, but, like, a lot of other really odd processed noises.

Jeff: Yes! Not a bang, but a sdddddddddddthhhhhhhhhhhhzzzzzzzzzzzzkkkkkkkkkk.

Jason: Well, I’m off to the bathroom. I think I have the holiday bloops.