Miss Alexis Lee

The First Day of Mellowmas: Moozzarellamas!

Jeff: It’s the most mellowest time of the year! I’m drinking warm cider.

Jason: I’m drinking gasoline. How many years have we done this now?

Jeff: I think this is Mellowmas 100.

Jason: It feels like it, doesn’t it? This is the first year I need glasses to read the chat on my screen.

Jeff: Fortunately for us, we’re only a few years away from our kids being old enough for Mellowmas: The Next Generation. I’ll be Picard. Lifton’s mom can be Worf. You’ll be Wil Wheaton, of course.

Jason: Ah, I’ve missed you, old pal.

Jeff: And I you. It’s too bad that this kind of sadomasochism is what it takes to bring us together these days.

Jason: If it makes you feel better, there’s plenty of masochism in the rest of my life.

Jeff: I give you the knowing nod of fatherhood.

Jason: And the worst part? YOU WARNED ME.

Jeff: I totally did. I warn everyone!

Jason: I just pressed Apple-+ to increase the size of the text on my screen. I think fatherhood is causing blindness. I just wish it caused deafness.

Jeff: Well, at least you haven’t entered your daughter in any pageants yet.

Jason: …is there money in that? I’ll do it. Is she too young to sing for Maurice Starr?

Jeff: I know who we can ask.

Jason: Who’s that?

Jeff: Well, it’s like this.

Jason: Oh god. I hate when your stories start this way.

Jeff: leprechaun dance

Jason: OH GOD. I HATE WHEN THEY THEN CONTINUE WITH THAT.

Jeff: Jason, allow me to introduce you to Miss Alexis Lee.

Jason: shakes head defiantly I willn’t do it.

Jeff: This is some serious next-level shit we’re about to get into.

Jason: kicks dirt Okay, who is she?

Jeff: Ladies and gentlemen, exhibit A: The cover artwork for Miss Alexis Lee: The Christmas Album.

Miss Alexis Lee

Jeff: I see you’ve been stunned into silence, Jason. Good. That’s an appropriate response.

Jason: Hang on, I’m zooming the screen back out. What the hell is in her hair?

Jeff: THAT’S what you’re worried about?

Jason: I gotta start somewhere! Wait, who is she? I can’t find much about her on the Internet. Which is probably a good thing. Although I see her record label is “Boo Boo Doll Productions.”

Jeff: Boo Boo Doll Productions. Of course it is. shudder I haven’t found anything either. I’m assuming she sued her parents for emancipation already. That record cover is a milk carton waiting to happen.

Jason: Ew, Jeff. Gross. Just pick a song. Let’s get this shit over with.

Jeff: The Mellowmas motto! Well, let’s see…oh, I know. Hey, you know what would go really well with this album cover?

Jason: Sleeping pills?

Jeff: Almost. “Santa Baby.”

Jason: Ugh. UGH!

Jeff: Seriously, how has every copy of this record not been impounded in some child protective services investigation?

Jason: Speaking of, maybe this is a career path for your daughter.

Jeff: Give me your agent’s number.

Jason: You mean Maurice Starr?

Jeff: rimshot Okay, now we’re just stalling for real. Ready for the most nightmarish version of “Santa Baby” we’ll ever hear?

Miss Alexis Lee, “Santa Baby” (download)

Jeff: Well, this is tastef…oh God.

Jason: OH GOD.

Jeff: I’m doing involuntary kegels. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhggggggggg

Jason: You know, it’s not that much worse than Madonna’s version.

Jeff: I haven’t heard that, but this is fucking FOUL.

Her parents were in the studio. You know it. They thought this was cute.

Jason: She just said “A boopity doo.”

Jeff: I think I boopity doo’d on the carpet.

Jason: I wonder if that’s Daryl Dragon on the synthesizer.

Jeff: One more reason he should be in jail.

Seriously, Jason, the subtext here.

Jason: There’s subtext?

Jeff: Well, I mean, Santa is a child molester, right?

Jason: …he is?

Jeff: He’d have to be! Oh, fake vibrato!

Jason: That was great — and by great, I mean not great!

Jeff: Anyway, I mean, that’s what you’re doing when you have a…I don’t know, six-year-old, or whatever the hell Miss Alexis Lee was when she did this, sing this song. It’s all flirty and boopity doo.

Jason: Yeah. It’s the aural equivalent of pageantry makeup.

Jeff: And a thong!

Jason: Ugh.

Jeff: There’s literally no reason for someone her age to know the words to this song. Her parents are disgusting.

Jason: I’m just picturing them drumming “A boopity doo” into her head, take after take.

Jeff: It’s bad enough to get your little girl all dolled up and have her sing Christmas carols for some shitty record, but to put “Santa Baby” on the track listing is unconscionable. The only thing that might be worse is if they had her singing something racist.

Jason: Or something novelty-based.

Jeff: Oh hey, guess what?

Jason: What?

Wait.

Don’t tell me. Let me guess. SHE SANG SOMETHING BOTH RACIST AND NOVELTY-BASED.

Jeff: YOU WIN! And by “you win,” I mean “we all lose.” Guess who covered “Dominick the Donkey” on her Christmas album?

Jason: Charo?

Jeff: sighs dreamily I wish. No. MISS ALEXIS LEE. Yes, this is for everyone who ever dreamed of hearing a might-as-well-be-a-toddler sing a song making fun of Italians. And donkeys.

Actually, is this song pro-donkey? I forget.

Jason: So folks, if you don’t know “Dominick the Donkey,” you should probably listen to the original. I’ve honestly never heard it anywhere outside of New York.

Jeff: Wait, they play it in New York? That’s kind of awesome.

Jason: It’s a NY radio staple!

Jeff: Jesus.

Jason: Think about it: it was made for morning zoo radio!

Jeff: And now it’s being brought full circle by Miss Alexis Lee.

Jason: Oh, Miss Alexis Lee, how can I thank you? Or should I be thanking your parents? Your ASSHOLE PARENTS?

Wait. I take that back. I’m a parent now. I can’t judge other parents.

Jeff: You most certainly can. Please allow me to redirect your attention to that album cover.

Jason: Some parents sleep with their kids in their bed. Some parents let their kids breastfeed until they’re five.

Jeff: And some parents DRESS THEIR KIDS IN A BORDERLINE PORNO GETUP AND HAVE THEM SING RACIST CAROLS WHEN THEY’RE BARELY OLD ENOUGH TO SPELL

Jason: …you win. And by “you win” I mean “we all lose.”

Jeff: Is there some way we can sue Mr. and Mrs. Alexis Lee’s Parents?

Jason: …I wonder if they have their own album? Just something to keep you up at night.

Jeff: Jing-a-di-jing, hee haw hee haw! It’s the first night of Mellowmas, and I already wish I was dead.

Jason: nods solemnly, prepares head for oven

Jeff: Ready for a whole new kind of donkey show, Jason?

Miss Alexis Lee, “Dominick the Donkey” (download)

Jason: OH GOD!

Jeff: This one’s for you, Nonni and Nonno! This is the most offensive thing in the history of the world.

Jason: Ha! Who are the backing singers? That must be Nonni!

Jeff: WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, JASON.

Jason: I like how defiantly she ends the “jing-a-di-jing” part.

Jeff: HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN IN AMERICA.

Jason: HOW IS THIS NOT ON TLC YET?

Jeff: shudder That’s an excellent question.

You’re right, though. She does sound kind of defiant. It almost sounds like her non-Italian parent put her up to this.

Jason: Her Italian doesn’t sound too bad, to be honest. Her singing, however…

Jeff: Oh God! That maniacal laughter!

Jason: Poor Nonni is somewhere writing Miss Alexis Lee’s parents right out of the goddamn will.

Jeff: Not a moment too soon. That family clearly has too much disposable income.

Well, that was gross. Do you feel unclean? I feel unclean.

Jason: I like that you can buy this album at www.greatindie.com.

Jeff: Hey, isn’t this Rappy McRapperson‘s distributor?

Of course, this place sells Regina Spektor CDs. As well as the classic Vacuum Cleaner White Noise, Colic Sweep Vacuum Cleaner White Noise.

Jason: Can we please listen to that one next? Seriously, it can’t be worse.

Jeff: It might be the only thing that puts me to sleep tonight.

Jason: If you want, I could come over and gently sing “jing-a-di-jing” into your ear.

Jeff: Hee haw, hee haw!

Jason: Oh! Even better! I could teach this song to your kids!

Jeff: JASON DON’T




  • Eric S.

    You have to post the whole track list. Just imagining what the rest of them sound like will give me the creeps all the way to Christmas.

  • http://twitter.com/popblerd Popblerd.com

    Ah so nice to hear “Dominic The Donkey” again, and in such a ridiculously tasteless version. Lou Monte (the song’s original singer) is probably cutting a rug in his grave right now…and I’m just assuming he’s dead, because he probably is.

  • Eric S.

    Oh, you SOBs made me look and there are actually two albums out there, and the other cover is even more hideous.

  • http://twitter.com/mordalo Mordalo

    I’ve got Dominic The Donkey in my collection somewhere (my Italian heritage wouldn’t have it any other way), but I ain’t downloading the versions you posted today. Last thing I want is a visit from Chris Hanson for Christmas…

  • Old_Davy

    What a great start….wait, check that. What a perfect start to Mellowmas 2012. Jason totally read my mind by asking “how is this not on TLC yet?”. I regret living long enough to see TLC become “The Losers Channel”, and having to live through yet another Mellowmas season. No, seriously guys, great job, lotsa laughs, and I’m looking forward (?) to another 24 fun-filled (and by fun I mean sucky) days of holiday cheer. (I’m gonna need a lot of Maker’s Mark to get me to the 25th.)

  • mlk

    This was gloriously awful. Makes me fear where it can go from here- do I really want it to get worse (can it?) or will I be upset if it doesn’t. Either way, incredible start. I don’t know why i love Mellowmas as much as I do. Thanks for continuing the tradition.

  • http://sportsmyriad.com Beau

    Among the many creepy things about this — it seems someone else has already made a career with that name. A Google search brought me skeezy results I was not expecting.

  • http://twitter.com/arensb arensb

    I tried to play “Dominick the Donkey”, but my browser said “The Flash player has crashed”. I guess there is a loving god after all.

  • http://www.facebook.com/mburke77 Michael Burke

    I’m not really sure what I was expecting you two to kick things off with this year. But this is much worse than anything I could have conceived of. Why does this exist?

  • http://www.facebook.com/kingofgrief Jeffrey Thames

    I’ll let my GF weigh in on this “version” of “Dominick the Donkey” as she’s of Bronx heritage and can supply the proper obscenities. I’ll just point out this quote from Miss Lee’s Great Indie page:

    Christmas classics covered by an adorable 5 year old rising talent!!!

    The multiple exclamation points (and the sidebar offering “Congradulations” to another Great Indie artist) tell you everything.

  • http://www.popdose.com/ Ted

    Agreed! I was wondering how the hell Jeff came in possession of this abomination.

  • Scott Peterson

    First of all: welcome back! The return of Mellowmas each year truly is a Festivus miracle.

    Secondly, if you want proof of the glory that is the universe, click through to Miss Alexis Lee’s album page and then — this is key — click on the “Buy the Physical CD” link. It’s immediately clear no one, not even Miss Lee’s own family, has ever done this, as you’ll soon see.

    http://www.greatindie.com/ipnmusic/store/list.php?item_number=884501247054

    The FSM bless us, every one.

  • http://jackfear.blogspot.com Jack Feerick

    If he wasn’t dead before, he sure as shit is now. OF SHAME.

  • rockymtranger

    That little girl is a pinata away from this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTcS-sjWTAc

  • http://digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/best_songs-Power-Pop.html Brett Alan

    HOLY CRAP. I mean, just…holy crap.

    The CDBaby writeup for this offers:

    “When not honeing in on her craft, Miss Alexis Lee enjoys playing with her friends and loves going to school.”

    I love that. She’s not honing her craft, she’s HONEING IN on her craft. Like, she’s going to bomb it out of the water.

    Oh, and I’m endlessly amused by the way she fails to pronounce the word “platinum”. I may torment myself with this more than I do with Fred’s 12 Days Of Christmas. What a way to start a new Mellowmas….

  • TJ_ONeill

    I never heard of “Dominick the Donkey” until I moved to Philadelphia, where it is apparently a big thing every Christmas (oddly enough, in the 9 years I lived in NY, I never heard it).

    Similarly, I never truly knew hatred for my fellow man until I heard “Dominick the Donkey”