The First Day of Mellowmas: Moozzarellamas!

Jeff: It’s the most mellowest time of the year! I’m drinking warm cider.

Jason: I’m drinking gasoline. How many years have we done this now?

Jeff: I think this is Mellowmas 100.

Jason: It feels like it, doesn’t it? This is the first year I need glasses to read the chat on my screen.

Jeff: Fortunately for us, we’re only a few years away from our kids being old enough for Mellowmas: The Next Generation. I’ll be Picard. Lifton’s mom can be Worf. You’ll be Wil Wheaton, of course.

Jason: Ah, I’ve missed you, old pal.

Jeff: And I you. It’s too bad that this kind of sadomasochism is what it takes to bring us together these days.

Jason: If it makes you feel better, there’s plenty of masochism in the rest of my life.

Jeff: I give you the knowing nod of fatherhood.

Jason: And the worst part? YOU WARNED ME.

Jeff: I totally did. I warn everyone!

Jason: I just pressed Apple-+ to increase the size of the text on my screen. I think fatherhood is causing blindness. I just wish it caused deafness.

Jeff: Well, at least you haven’t entered your daughter in any pageants yet.

Jason: …is there money in that? I’ll do it. Is she too young to sing for Maurice Starr?

Jeff: I know who we can ask.

Jason: Who’s that?

Jeff: Well, it’s like this.

Jason: Oh god. I hate when your stories start this way.

Jeff: leprechaun dance

Jason: OH GOD. I HATE WHEN THEY THEN CONTINUE WITH THAT.

Jeff: Jason, allow me to introduce you to Miss Alexis Lee.

Jason: shakes head defiantly I willn’t do it.

Jeff: This is some serious next-level shit we’re about to get into.

Jason: kicks dirt Okay, who is she?

Jeff: Ladies and gentlemen, exhibit A: The cover artwork for Miss Alexis Lee: The Christmas Album.

Miss Alexis Lee

Jeff: I see you’ve been stunned into silence, Jason. Good. That’s an appropriate response.

Jason: Hang on, I’m zooming the screen back out. What the hell is in her hair?

Jeff: THAT’S what you’re worried about?

Jason: I gotta start somewhere! Wait, who is she? I can’t find much about her on the Internet. Which is probably a good thing. Although I see her record label is “Boo Boo Doll Productions.”

Jeff: Boo Boo Doll Productions. Of course it is. shudder I haven’t found anything either. I’m assuming she sued her parents for emancipation already. That record cover is a milk carton waiting to happen.

Jason: Ew, Jeff. Gross. Just pick a song. Let’s get this shit over with.

Jeff: The Mellowmas motto! Well, let’s see…oh, I know. Hey, you know what would go really well with this album cover?

Jason: Sleeping pills?

Jeff: Almost. “Santa Baby.”

Jason: Ugh. UGH!

Jeff: Seriously, how has every copy of this record not been impounded in some child protective services investigation?

Jason: Speaking of, maybe this is a career path for your daughter.

Jeff: Give me your agent’s number.

Jason: You mean Maurice Starr?

Jeff: rimshot Okay, now we’re just stalling for real. Ready for the most nightmarish version of “Santa Baby” we’ll ever hear?

Miss Alexis Lee, “Santa Baby” (download)

Jeff: Well, this is tastef…oh God.

Jason: OH GOD.

Jeff: I’m doing involuntary kegels. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhggggggggg

Jason: You know, it’s not that much worse than Madonna’s version.

Jeff: I haven’t heard that, but this is fucking FOUL.

Her parents were in the studio. You know it. They thought this was cute.

Jason: She just said “A boopity doo.”

Jeff: I think I boopity doo’d on the carpet.

Jason: I wonder if that’s Daryl Dragon on the synthesizer.

Jeff: One more reason he should be in jail.

Seriously, Jason, the subtext here.

Jason: There’s subtext?

Jeff: Well, I mean, Santa is a child molester, right?

Jason: …he is?

Jeff: He’d have to be! Oh, fake vibrato!

Jason: That was great — and by great, I mean not great!

Jeff: Anyway, I mean, that’s what you’re doing when you have a…I don’t know, six-year-old, or whatever the hell Miss Alexis Lee was when she did this, sing this song. It’s all flirty and boopity doo.

Jason: Yeah. It’s the aural equivalent of pageantry makeup.

Jeff: And a thong!

Jason: Ugh.

Jeff: There’s literally no reason for someone her age to know the words to this song. Her parents are disgusting.

Jason: I’m just picturing them drumming “A boopity doo” into her head, take after take.

Jeff: It’s bad enough to get your little girl all dolled up and have her sing Christmas carols for some shitty record, but to put “Santa Baby” on the track listing is unconscionable. The only thing that might be worse is if they had her singing something racist.

Jason: Or something novelty-based.

Jeff: Oh hey, guess what?

Jason: What?

Wait.

Don’t tell me. Let me guess. SHE SANG SOMETHING BOTH RACIST AND NOVELTY-BASED.

Jeff: YOU WIN! And by “you win,” I mean “we all lose.” Guess who covered “Dominick the Donkey” on her Christmas album?

Jason: Charo?

Jeff: sighs dreamily I wish. No. MISS ALEXIS LEE. Yes, this is for everyone who ever dreamed of hearing a might-as-well-be-a-toddler sing a song making fun of Italians. And donkeys.

Actually, is this song pro-donkey? I forget.

Jason: So folks, if you don’t know “Dominick the Donkey,” you should probably listen to the original. I’ve honestly never heard it anywhere outside of New York.

Jeff: Wait, they play it in New York? That’s kind of awesome.

Jason: It’s a NY radio staple!

Jeff: Jesus.

Jason: Think about it: it was made for morning zoo radio!

Jeff: And now it’s being brought full circle by Miss Alexis Lee.

Jason: Oh, Miss Alexis Lee, how can I thank you? Or should I be thanking your parents? Your ASSHOLE PARENTS?

Wait. I take that back. I’m a parent now. I can’t judge other parents.

Jeff: You most certainly can. Please allow me to redirect your attention to that album cover.

Jason: Some parents sleep with their kids in their bed. Some parents let their kids breastfeed until they’re five.

Jeff: And some parents DRESS THEIR KIDS IN A BORDERLINE PORNO GETUP AND HAVE THEM SING RACIST CAROLS WHEN THEY’RE BARELY OLD ENOUGH TO SPELL

Jason: …you win. And by “you win” I mean “we all lose.”

Jeff: Is there some way we can sue Mr. and Mrs. Alexis Lee’s Parents?

Jason: …I wonder if they have their own album? Just something to keep you up at night.

Jeff: Jing-a-di-jing, hee haw hee haw! It’s the first night of Mellowmas, and I already wish I was dead.

Jason: nods solemnly, prepares head for oven

Jeff: Ready for a whole new kind of donkey show, Jason?

Miss Alexis Lee, “Dominick the Donkey” (download)

Jason: OH GOD!

Jeff: This one’s for you, Nonni and Nonno! This is the most offensive thing in the history of the world.

Jason: Ha! Who are the backing singers? That must be Nonni!

Jeff: WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, JASON.

Jason: I like how defiantly she ends the “jing-a-di-jing” part.

Jeff: HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN IN AMERICA.

Jason: HOW IS THIS NOT ON TLC YET?

Jeff: shudder That’s an excellent question.

You’re right, though. She does sound kind of defiant. It almost sounds like her non-Italian parent put her up to this.

Jason: Her Italian doesn’t sound too bad, to be honest. Her singing, however…

Jeff: Oh God! That maniacal laughter!

Jason: Poor Nonni is somewhere writing Miss Alexis Lee’s parents right out of the goddamn will.

Jeff: Not a moment too soon. That family clearly has too much disposable income.

Well, that was gross. Do you feel unclean? I feel unclean.

Jason: I like that you can buy this album at www.greatindie.com.

Jeff: Hey, isn’t this Rappy McRapperson‘s distributor?

Of course, this place sells Regina Spektor CDs. As well as the classic Vacuum Cleaner White Noise, Colic Sweep Vacuum Cleaner White Noise.

Jason: Can we please listen to that one next? Seriously, it can’t be worse.

Jeff: It might be the only thing that puts me to sleep tonight.

Jason: If you want, I could come over and gently sing “jing-a-di-jing” into your ear.

Jeff: Hee haw, hee haw!

Jason: Oh! Even better! I could teach this song to your kids!

Jeff: JASON DON’T

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare
Two people, separate rooms
Trying to hurt the other
Bound together by destiny
Is there nothing they won’t do?
Will we never see them through?