Monday, December 14th, 2009

The Fourteenth Day of Mellowmas: 867-5309 To the World

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Happy Monday — before we continue with the torture, don’t forget to check out our Saturday and Sunday Mellowmas posts in case you missed them!

Congratulations — you’ve made it two full weeks into Mellowmas 2009! Your reward? A pathetic, half-hearted rehashing that probably wasn’t even amusing to the people who recorded it!

Tommy Tutone — Santa Jenny 867-5309/Santa, I Got Your Number (download)

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From no particular album (who would buy it?), single available at null

Jeff: Sleigh bells! How unusual! I’m almost positive this track hasn’t even been re-recorded.

Jeff: Dude, Tommy Tutone just started off by saying “ho, ho.” Poor Tommy Tutone.

Jason: Dude, he couldn’t even come up with original Christmas lyrics. He’s just singing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” over “867-5309″! This is so, so, so pathetic.

Jeff: He might be the only artist we’ve ever covered who doesn’t even have enough of a career to make a full-length Christmas album. All he can do is re-record his one hit. Even Wing made a Christmas album.

Jason: Oh no. Now he’s doing original lyrics. “Santa, I’ve sent my e-mail!”

Jeff: Yeah, what poetry, huh? Do you think Tommy Tutone hates this song yet?

Jason: I’m sure Tommy Tutone has gone through cycles. Like, he loves it, he hates it, he loves it, he hates it.

Jeff: I wonder if he gets mad when people call him Tommy Tutone when they ask for the check.

Jason: I bet he gets to a point where he feels like he’s finally accepted his lot in life…and then he winds up getting angry all over again. Oh no! A guitar solo! To “Carol of the Bells!” And another “ho ho!”

Jeff: They clearly put a lot of thought into this arrangement. It must have taken an entire afternoon.

Jason: I bet I know how this started.

Jeff: With Tommy Tutone’s mom drinking heavily while he was in the womb?

Jason: Ha! They were doing a concert around Christmas-time, and someone in the audience requested a Christmas carol. And they didn’t know one. So they just did “867-5309″ — you know, because I can’t imagine they rehearsed any other songs — with Christmas lyrics. And everybody cheered, because it was a spontaneous moment.

Jeff: Wouldn’t it be funny if they responded to every request by changing the lyrics to “867-5309″?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: “Freebird”!

Jason: We should go to a Tommy Tutone concert and request they do “Christmas in Sarajevo”!

Jeff: If I ever go to a Tommy Tutone concert, you have my permission to kick my ass. And the only thing I’m requesting is that he retire.

Jason: So I bet the band went backstage afterward, high-fived each other and went, “Now how can we make money off of this? Everybody loved it! We could release it! We could make a million dollars off of this! We could finally afford dinner from somewhere other than Long John Silver’s!” So they released it. And not a creature purchased it. Not even a mouse.

Jeff: I don’t know the story behind this, actually. Maybe it was a fan club thing. Maybe we’re being unfair.

Jason: I looked on his website. I couldn’t find anything about it.

Jeff: Yeah, I can only find places where it’s for sale.

Jason: It’s a bonus track on his latest release, The Singles. Which probably could have just been called The Single.

Jeff: Ha! His rather defensive Wikipedia page takes pains to point out that he had another top 40 hit before “867-5309″ — “Angel Say No.”

Jason: His Wikipedia page is defensive? That’s awesome!

Jeff: The last line in his bio: “In 2009, Tommy played Nashville and met with Phil Summers.” Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: “They had some chicken.”

Jeff: “In 2009, Jeff went to Ireland and smoked Cubans.”

Jason: I feel bad. I’ve totally been calling him “Tommy Tutone,” even though that’s not his name. According to Wikipedia, this is a common misconception.

Jeff: One of many common misconceptions about Tommy Tutone.

Jason: And wait a minute. Who is Phil Summers? Is he a musician?

Jeff: Who cares?

Jason: I’m trying to figure out how it relates to Tommy Tuto-er, Heath’s career.

Jeff: Maybe Phil Summers is the guy in Nashville who has the number 867-5309.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! And Tommy was trying to buy it back. Dude, he named this track “Santa Jenny 867-5309.”

Jeff: That’s what’s known as hedging your bets.

Jason: And the band couldn’t even be bothered to re-record the instruments. I’m so happy this is a part of Mellowmas. I feel like it’s exactly what I’m looking for every year: blatant begging for money. “Please, how can I use this holiday for my own financial gain?”

Jeff: I keep going back to the idea of Tommy Tutone slapping all kinds of different lyrics on “867-5309.”

Jason: Any other ideas for songs to sing to that tune? “Enter Sandman”? “I Want Your Sex”?

Jeff: Well, I’m thinking he can record a Christmas album, and just do like a dozen carols to the tune of “867-5309.”
“Do You Hear What I Jenny.”
“Carol of the 5309.”

Jason: Ha!

Jeff: “Little Drummer Jenny.”

Jason: “O Come All Ye 867.”

Jeff: “867-5309 to the World.”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: In all seriousness, if I had $10,000 to burn, I’d offer it to Tommy Tutone to make that album.

Jason: And every track would have to start with him going “Ho ho!”

Jeff: He’d have to come out of the bridge with it, too. It would be in his contract.

Jason: I was thinking about raising money for some charities in 2010, but maybe I’ll just raise money for the Tommy Tutone Fund.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Won’t you please think of Tommy Tutone this year?

Jeff: Does he know it’s Christmas?

Jason: Maybe we could get Wing and Tommy Tutone to do a Christmas album together.

Jeff: I was just thinking that.

Jason: “Baby, It’s 867-5309 Outside.”

Jeff: She could sing the melody to “Carol of the Bells.” Imagine her voice singing that tune? I just got chills.

Jason: She hasn’t done it already?

Jeff: Given that we’re both clinging to sanity, I kind of think the answer has to be no.

Jason: I only remember her much-loved version of “Ca Si Na Mu.” Maybe she’ll record “Jenny Ca Si Na Mu” next year.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: “867-5309 to the World” is inspired. I’m still chuckling about that. Tommy Tutone, are you listening? We’ve got the future to your career right here at Popdose!

Jeff: I hope Tommy reads this. Does he have a computer?

Jason: I’m sure he at least owns a word processor.

Jeff: Maybe the staff break lounge at Safeway has wi-fi.

Jason: Tommy Tutone, cleanup in aisle 5. Ho, ho!

Jeff: No, no…aisle 867-5309!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

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This entry was posted on Monday, December 14th, 2009 at 7:30 am and is filed under Featured, Featured - Frontpage, Mellowmas, Music. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

  • Ray
    Fans of the movie "The Last American Virgin" are probably familiar with another Tommy Tutone song: "Teen Angel Eyes", which never appeared on a Tutone album (until that "The Singles" CD was released).
  • I feel even worse for Jenny now.
  • mike traynor
    Tommy Tutone... ..A legendary player in the holiday music arena..Bless you, Tommy
  • This gets my vote for the worst Mellowmas song so far. Wow.
  • Bad in quality or bad in it's desperation?
  • Does it matter? Are they mutually exclusive?
  • One gets you sympathy sex. I won't say which one, as I've yet to figure it out.
  • Yeah, I'm not sure I can separate the two of them. Any other ways you can think of, add them in too.

    Just the simple fact that he took an existing song and put it over top of one of his hits (and they blend so poorly) is atrocious. I don't care how desperate he might be at this point - at some point a man has to have some pride and just say, "I ain't doing this bullshit".
  • I suppose it could have been worse. Rocky Burnette's "Tired Of Towin' Your Sleigh", Debbie (Deborah, Debs, Sindy Starr) Gibson's "Frost In Your Eyes" and Rupert Holmes' "Santa Got A Lotta Song"

    You know that Santa got a lotta
    Special stuff on his sleigh
    For all the nice ones and naughty ones
    Havin' fun on Christmas Day

    (It shamefully writes itself...)
  • Thierry
    Sample lyric from the Tutone Christmas album: "Thank God it's Jenny instead of you."
  • "Jenny got run over by a reindeer..."
  • Up to now, the Mellowmas entries were a grab for cash. This is a full-fledged cry for help. Jenny, intervene!!
  • Who's credited playing the sleigh bells? 'Cause whoever it is, must have given the recording engineer a lot of holiday snow because it's so loud in the mix.
  • I'm working on the list of situations that would make agreeing to compose and release this acceptable.

    1. Tommy Tutone owes enough money to a bookie, with awful taste in music, that the only way to avoid being fed, feet first, through a wood chipper, is to compose and release "Santa Jenny."

    2. Tommy Tutone's loved ones were kidnapped by a deranged lunatic, with awful taste in music, and are dangling over a tank of ravenous pirahna, only to be released if Tommy Tutone composes and records "Santa Jenny."

    3. Tommy Tutone, while drunk, was exposed to "Santa's Goin' To Kokomo" by Mike Love, and said "You call THAT selling out? You call THAT a soulless pathetic cash grab? Well watch this, fucker!"

    That's all I got.
  • mojo
    "when he asks for the check." bwahahahahahahahahahah
  • Thank you for laughing at that one, Mojo. It was feeling lonely.
  • I'm blaming Tourettes for this one.
  • Actually, it's guitarist/songwriter Jim Keller who is working with Philip Glass these days, not singer Tommy Heath, who is apparently responsible for this disturbing trifle. But together, they briefly made some solid power pop music, not just "867-5309/Jenny" and "Angel Say No", but "Dancing Girl" and "Baby It's Alright". I admit, by the third album they seemed out of ideas, but there are moments, particularly on the first album, when Jim Keller's guitar is ringing out and Tommy Heath does that Van Morrison on antihistamines thing with his voice, when they seemed like the natural, long-awaited follow-up to Dwight Twilley Band's "I'm on Fire". Too bad it didn't last. Plus I saw them open for Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers in Pittsburgh back in the day and they were smokin'.
  • That sound you just heard was my 14-year old self dying a little bit more.
  • This is So Awesome.
  • I'm listening to it *again*.
  • david
    He was profiled in the New Yorker last week ... he's now in charge of managing Philip Glass' publishing rights.

    http://www.newyorker.com/talk/2009/12/14/091214...
  • Somehow, I'm reminded of the South Park episode with "New York minimalist composer Philip Glass" taking over the non-religious holiday celebration music.

    I actually thought this one was kind of funny. No, I wouldn't listen to it repeatedly, but it's a good one-time joke.
  • WHarrisBullzEye
    At best, it's a throwaway joke that's worth a smirk, but the idea that anyone would ever want to hear it more than once is preposterous. And, yes, it does sound like they just played the instrumental track from the original and the new lyrics over top of it.
  • See, my problem is that it's not even clever. It's not even like he wrote a new story about trying to get Santa on the phone or something. He just took lyrics from other Christmas songs.
  • David_E
    "Whaddya mean, Weird Al won't take my calls? This is GOLD!"
  • EightE1
    He could sing Springsteen's "Radio Nowhere" over the "Jenny" riff. Oh, wait … Springsteen already does that.
  • Yeesh.

    At least we'll always have "Angel Say No."
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