Congratulations!Â You’ve made it through two full weeks of Mellowmas, uh, cheer!Â Can you handle 11 more days?Â You’ll have to get through today first, as we once again piss on a national institution…
Jason: Jeff, I feel kind of weird about this. Andy Williams? I mean, he sings “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” That’s, like, a classic. When I think of certain kinds of sweaters, I think of Andy Williams. He’s a true classic.
Jeff: Fats Domino did a lot of classics, too.
Jason: Shit. You just schooled me. Let’s listen, sweet little Jesus boy.
Andy Williams — Sweet Little Jesus Boy (download)
Jason: Oh. OH.
Jeff: Get out!
Jason: Okay. I guess I see what you’re saying.
Jeff: Get out of my ear!
Jason: They made you be born in a manger!
Jeff: God, this song feels like a wet willie!
Jason: We didn’t know whooooooo yooooooooou werrrrrrrre!
Jeff: It’s taking everything I have not to claw the earphones out of my ears.
Jason: I bet we piss off some readers with this post. I bet there are some readers who love this song. I am not one of them.
Jeff: I am drowning in syrup.
Jason: This song is being sung directly to Jesus as a baby, I guess. Which makes me wish there were noises of baby Jesus farting or something. Speaking of, and I know I’m going off-topic here, but how come the only Mellowmas song to feature a fart sound has been Alan O’Day’s? That seems weird to me.
Jeff: I suppose it depends on your definition of “fart.”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: Also, I keep looking at the album cover, which is the scariest thing I’ve seen in awhile.
Jason: The album cover is sort of sinister, isn’t it? It’s like the look Michael Jackson gives the camera at the end of the longform “Thriller” video.
Jeff: Yes, it is sinister. That’s exactly what it is. And now he’s talking about how Jesus died, and begging his forgiveness. Is Andy Williams that old? Was he there when Jesus died?
Jason: When did Andy Williams die, anyway? Let me look it up.
HOLY SHIT! He’s still ALIVE!!!
Jeff: He’s still alive! He’s kicking it with Jim Nabors, yo!
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Did we bet against Jim Nabors being alive last year? We did, didn’t we?
Jeff: We did. You were supposed to play the Nabors track at full volume in your office. Of course, this year, you don’t work in an office anymore. Coincidence? I think not.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Maybe if I play “Sweet Little Jesus Boy” really loud, I’ll close my eyes and wind up back in an office.
Jeff: A therapist’s office!
Jason: I have no doubt this song has sinister powers. Like Andy’s FACE.
Jeff: Now look, Andy Williams fans, I know he’s done some holiday greats. But can any of you argue with a straight face that this is one of them?
Jason: He has done some holiday greats. Like I said, “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” is an amazing song. Johnny Mathis’ version can’t hold a candle to it, and yes, I know that Johnny Mathis did a popular cover of it, shut up.
Jeff: I just can’t get over the fact that some graphic designer somewhere thought it would be festive to drench everything in red and then put a picture of Andy Williams leering on the cover.
Jason: Leering. Yes. Like Keith Sweat.
Jeff: Ha! It’s awful. It reminds me of a scene from some ’60s movie where someone’s having a bad drug trip.
Jason: Muah hah hah hah hah hah! I’ve come to eat your children! Hey, you know what’s delicious?
Jason: SWEET LITTLE JESUS BOY!!! YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM
Jeff: Oh, right. Him. I’m picturing Andy Williams staggering, zombie-style, into the manger in his tux. Leering at baby Jesus with a little bit of drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. His hair, naturally, is perfect. And he’s singing this song.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: It actually makes me want to listen to “Sweet Little Jesus Boy” again, in a weird way.
Jason: Reign of terror! Reign of terror!
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha! I’d like to hear Andy Williams cover that!
Jason: Sorry, that song is still ringing in my ears from yesterday.
Jeff: You know what? I’d like to hear Andy Williams cover everything. Everything we’ve heard this year.
Jason: Let’s make a list of songs we want Andy Williams to cover.
“Ride Like the Wind.”
Jeff: Haaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha!
Jason: “No Diggity.” “Cum On Feel The Noize.”
Jeff: Imagine if we had that kind of power? The kind of power to compel our “favorite” artists to cover songs of our choosing? Gosh, that would be great.
Jason: Well, we DID get Alan O’Day to write and record a Mellowmas song. So maybe we do have the power.
Jeff: Hmm. Maybe we do.
Jason: You should see me right now. I have a sinister look in my eye.
Jeff: Are the walls in your apartment red?
Jason: Everything is red, Jeff. Except for my tuxedo.
Jeff: Hey, great idea — you should paint the place red before your wife comes home.
Jason: And then just sit in a chair, leering at her?
Jeff: With this song playing.
Jason: Crooning “Sweet Little Jesus Boy”? Sweeeeeeet little Jeeeeeeeesus boyyyyyyyy…
Jeff: I have to say, much as I hate this song, I have to give Andy props for being able to squeeze 30 seconds out of every damn note.
Jason: That’s a good point.
Jeff: It would be under two minutes if he hadn’t done that.
Jason: Maybe each note took so long because he was drooling blood or something. It fits with the album cover. I’m just saying.
I looked up some fun facts on Andy Williams on Wikipedia, Jeff. Check this out:
A persistent rumor states that Andy Williams, while a teenager, provided the dubbed singing voice of Lauren Bacall for her song “How Little We Know” in the movie To Have and Have Not. Bacall herself addressed it in her autobiography, stating that Williams did dub a couple of high notes for her, not the whole song.
That’s just awesome.
Jeff: Oh, wow. High notes? This guy?
Jason: As a teenager! Wait, here’s another one.
He was the sponsor of the letter ‘W’ for the 1978 restoration of the famous Hollywood Sign in Hollywood.
Fucker, I have water all over my shirt now…
Jason: I’m not making these up! That’s the truth! Without Andy, it’s just be Hollyood! Wait, one more for you.
It is widely believed that Andy is half werewolf.
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Jason: Okay, maybe I made that one up. But it’s not so far fetched, is it? LOOK AT THAT COVER, PEOPLE!
Jeff: Andy was present at both the birth and execution of Jesus Christ.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: Andy has settled into comfortable retirement on the macadamia farm of his longtime lover, Jim Nabors.
Jason: Oh man, now you’ve got me clamoring for The Andy Williams and Jim Nabors Holiday Special: A Very Metamucil Christmas.
Jeff: I think their voices would go really well together.
Jason: Each song would be approximately ten minutes. But oh! The sweaters!
Jeff: Throw in Barry White, and you’d have yourself a regular Tuvan monk choir.
Jason: Look at the picture from his Wikipedia page.
Jeff: Ooh. Andy.
Jason: Is that smoke at the bottom? Like, demon smoke? Or is it dust?
Jeff: I think it’s a baby fart.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! His last album was called I Don’t Remember Ever Growing Up.
Jeff: (Or Anything Else)
Jason: Isn’t that perfect? Because I bet he doesn’t.
Jeff: It is.
Jason: Because it was so long ago, when he was with Sweet Little Jesus Boy.
Jeff: It’s also perfect that he’s performing in Branson now. Branson, MO: Where Hokey Acts Go to Die.
Jason: Are you kidding? He built the theater FOR those acts!
Jeff: So he could collect their skeletons!
Jason: Williams has recorded eight Christmas albums over the years and has been penned as “Mr. Christmas.” EIGHT! EIGHT CHRISTMAS ALBUMS!
Jason: Mellowmas 2009, here we come!
Jeff: A Month of Andy!
Jason: The Twenty-Five Days of Andymas!