[Note: After reading this, you may be in desperate need of some actual holiday cheer — so head on over to visit our friends at Suburban Sprawl, who have just released their annual free holiday compilation. Now, on with the show!]

Yes, children, believe it or not, we’re only on day four of Mellowmas.  Doesn’t it seem like we’ve been listening to crappy holiday music forever?  Well, bad news: today’s no different.

You see, kids, back in 1994, Judy Collins chose to bestow upon the world a Christmas album.  Come Rejoice!  A Judy Collins Christmas, it was called.  And yeah, it contained all the traditional Christmas songs, but also a curious little ditty entitled “Song for Sarajevo.” And that’s the song we’ll be listening to today.  But first…

Jason: So, Jeff, before we even start playing this track, I want you to know: I have high, high hopes for this song.

Jeff: I don’t know why.

Jason: I mean, “Song for Sarajevo”? I think this is going to be really, really uplifting. I think I’m going to walk away feeling really good about the world. Even better than when Bono told me to thank God it’s them instead of me.

Jeff: Your optimism…it’s contagious.

Jason: I mean, I don’t know. Have you ever been to Sarajevo?

Jeff: I hear it’s lovely this time of year.

Jason: Maybe it’s a wonderful, prosperous place that Santa enjoys. And that Judy Collins enjoys, too.

Jeff: I think they hang mistletoe over the landmines.

Jason: Maybe Judy and Santa go together. Do a little Bob Hope-esque show.

Jeff: Can Judy even move? I mean, I don’t want to be indelicate, but judging from the cover photo…

Jason: Hang on, let me see where I put the CD. Oh, here it is, in the trash.

Jeff: You threw it away? That was a gift! That cost me a whole three dollars!

Jason: I’m re-gifting it to my garbage man! Maybe he, too, will be moved and uplifted by “Song for Sarajevo.” We can play the track now. I just wanted to let you know that I have a huge smile on my face, and am ready to feel really, really good about myself and the world.

So bring it to me, Judy.

Judy Collins — Song for Sarajevo (download)

From Come Rejoice! A Judy Collins Christmas Amazon

Jason: Uh oh. That key. It sounds minor.

Jeff: Oh my god! Blood in all the streets!

Jason: RUNNING LIKE A FLOOD! Dude. We’re FUCKED. She touched death itself!

Jeff: That explains the cover!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Planes! Bombing! Why?

Jason: I LOVE Christmas songs that mention bombing!

Jeff: Why did this sick bitch put this song on a Christmas record?

Jason: But hang on…when she closes her eyes, she dreams of peace. Of flowers on the hill.

Jeff: How nice for her. When I close my eyes now, I’m going to dream of death and Hell. And singing eunuchs.

Jason: Hang on. I have to go open my window and jump out.

Jeff: Once I had a home? Oh, this is awful.

Jason: Jesus, she has some real mother issues, doesn’t she? Maybe her mother is Mary?

Jeff: This is the most depressing “holiday” song EVER.

Jason: Did she say something before about fire raining down her life?

Jeff: Judy Collins fucking hates Christmas.

Jason: Hang on. I am stapling my ears shut.

Jeff: War is an evil bird, and every promise has been broken.

Jason: But hold on, Jeff. Because when she closes her eyes, she dreams of peace. When I close my eyes, I dream of dancing cheek to cheek with Michael McDonald, but that’s not happening either.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m swallowing toilet cleaner.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: We’ve been so preoccupied with the lyrics, we haven’t mentioned the music, which sounds like October Project crossed with a bowel movement.

Jason: Hold up. My bathtub is almost full. I’m just going to go get the toaster.

Wait, now she’s asking us: When we close our eyes, do we dream of peace?

Jeff: Send in the clowns, Judy! Send in the fucking clowns RIGHT NOW!

Jason: I was to understand there would be uplifting moments here!

Jeff: Or do the clowns have bayonets?

Jason: Holy crap, she totally wavered on that last “peace.” And the eunuchs still sing. A fade-out? What, no big finish?

Jeff: That song had less holiday spirit than Eazy-E’s “Merry Motherfuckin’ Christmas.”

Jason: No “peace….OH YEAH!” ending?

Jeff: God, can you just imagine Christmas at Judy Collins’ house?

Jason: One second. I’m swallowing an entire bag of coal.

Jeff: “Before we bite into this delicious ham, I just wanted to let everyone know I ran over a kitten on the way here.”

Jason: She’s Judy Downer! “Merry Christmas, Aunt Judy!” “Yes, it’s so merry, except for the fire raining down my life.”

Jeff: “Would everyone like to come see the river of kitten blood out in the street?”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: I would like to have a Mellowmas first right now. I would like to apologize for sending you this disc.

Jason: !!! Really?

Jeff: Are you kidding? This is terrible! And not in a good way, either! Seriously, what the fuck was she thinking?

Jason: There’s actually a song on this disc I liked. “Charlie & The Bells Medley: White Christmas/Happy New Year”

Jeff: Really? I thought it was going to be “Death of a Homeless Man on New Year’s Eve.”

Jason: And it looks like I gave “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” 3 out of 5 stars.

Jeff: I think I’d give Wing three stars after listening to this. At least Wing knows how to have a good time. Shit.

Jason: The Wing and Judy Collins Christmas Special. Can’t you see it? Shots of a very confused studio audience. The key grip hanging himself in the corner.

Jeff: Hang on. I’m pooping a Jarreaumas.