I realize it’s been a long time since I did an entry on some new piece of dumb junk food, but our nation’s beloved conglomerates seem to have put a freeze on that sort of thing lately. Leah can tell you how dejected I’ve been, week after week, as I scan the aisles of the grocery store in search of something to tell you all about.

Well, I’m feeling much better now. The search is over, friends! And not only have I found something new, but I believe I’ve actually stumbed across the worst idea for a cereal in the history of the world!

Okay, so, what are the grossest things in a kid’s world? To my memory, in ascending order, they’d be boogers, pee, and poop, right? So it would seem like a total 100% given that if you were in the cereal-making business, you would want to just strike “Booger Cereal,” “Pee Cereal,” and “Poop Cereal” off your list.

Well, the boardroom at Kellogg’s is filled with men who are either brave, crazy, or desperate, because they’ve just gone right to the top of my magical list and decided that it would be a wonderful idea to fill a cereal box with what looks like tiny pieces of dried poop.

Behold:


It’s even called Fudge Ripple!

C’mon, you might be thinking, The art department just made an unfortunate mistake. The cereal doesn’t actually look like POOP, does it?

Yes. Yes, it does.


DRIED POOP…IN A BOWL!

You might even think that this stuff looks better once you add milk to it — that it might no longer look like DRIED POOP IN A BOWL. And you’re right, it does look different. It looks like WET POOP IN A SPOON.


Open the barn door, Junior, because here comes an airplane with some very special cargo!

But the back of the box is the best part. It’s like the guys in the art department couldn’t believe what they were being asked to sell, so they decided to load up the packaging with a bunch of terrible doody jokes. There’s a big word puzzle on the back, on top of a painting of the worst carnival ever. Just look at what’s happening:


They’re selling tiny little turds in a building with a giant turd on the roof!


DON’T GO ON THE TEACUP RIDE!


How long is the line for the poop-go-round?


Remember how your mother always told you that money doesn’t grow on trees? Well, it doesn’t. But guess what does?

I’m counting the seconds until this stuff goes off the market. Grab a box now, because it’s totally going to be worth like five thousand bucks on eBay in twenty years.

Oh, and it actually tastes pretty good, too.