I think I must be late to the party on this particular Great Gross-Off subject, because it was at least April when I saw it in the grocery store, and there was only one box left. Also, the particular store in question is known for selling Winter Lucky Charms well into summer. I’m just glad it wasn’t July when I came across this cereal, because I would definitely have bought it, and my regret would have been even more profound.

I’m talking about Cap’n Crunch Polar Crunch, with “New Cool Berry Flavor.”

I think if you stop and give it a moment’s consideration, you’ll agree with me that it’s a little disconcerting that “CHANGES COLORS!” is a selling point for any kind of food in this country. I mean, yeah, I want my meat to change color when I grill it, but cereal? Cereal isn’t supposed to change colors. I’m very proud of all our food-industry voodoo magicians and the wonderful/scary things they’ve been able to do with flavors and shelf lives, et cetera, but once we get into the whole changing-colors thing, maybe it’s time to direct our efforts toward nobler goals, no?

Especially when the food in question starts off this color. In nature, hues this bright signify deadly poison:

As it turns out, there’s no voodoo involved in these color-changing berries, just a whole lot of plain old Crunch Berries dumped in blue powder. Just ask the milk:

It wasn’t like we needed further proof that the Cap’n is a deceitful, money-grubbing pirate bastard, but I think these latest crappleberries are beyond the pale. “New Cool Berry Flavor,” as it turns out, refers to the frighteningly durable coat of decidedly uncool-tasting slime that coats your tongue if you’re dumb enough to eat a bowl of this shit.

In fact, you know what this powder looks like? The chalk you rub onto the end of a pool cue. No, I’m serious. Check it out:

Just remember: I ate an entire bowl of those.