The Great Gross-Off: Cupcake Pebbles

If you know anything about dessert, you know cupcakes are the hottest thing around, and have been for years. Wherever you look, cupcakes are huge — often literally, what with all the kits you can buy for making the damn things as big as your increasingly lard-padded head — and even when they’re normally sized, their prices are bloated enough to make up the difference.

And if you know your ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to breakfast foodstuffs, you know that nobody hops on a culinary trend like our good friends at Post. I mean, who can forget Bacon-Wrapped Alpha Bits? Or Golden Crisp with Quinoa? Or…Cupcake Pebbles?

Yes, that’s right. You heard me. Wipe that drool off your chin and hustle down to your nearest supermarket, because Post has done it again. In a sugar-mad blend of old and new, classic and cutting-edge, those crazy fuckers have taken yesterday’s “you cannot possibly be considering eating that for breakfast” menu and added a bold new stroke.

If you haven’t been lucky enough to surf the next wave of deeply inappropriate first meals, I’m going to try and give you an idea of what to expect — but oh my God, you guys, I wish the Web was scratch ‘n’ sniff, because words can’t describe the overpowering blast of cupcakeness that uncoils itself, panther-like, and lodges in your nostrils when you open a box of Cupcake Pebbles. It almost literally punches you in the face. If Betty Crocker and Mike Tyson decided to open a bakery together, I think they would aspire to the visceral scent-clubbing this cereal delivers — it’s so thick, by the time you tear open the bag, you feel like you’ve already eaten several bowls.

But don’t let that stop you from chowing down, because I’m here to tell you that if you’ve ever wished you could eat hundreds of tiny cupcakes in a bowl of cold milk, shoveling them madly into your mouth during the 35 seconds before they get soggy — and who hasn’t? — then Cupcake Pebbles is a dream come true. The only bad thing about it is that I can’t imagine where in the hell the “dessert as diabetes-inducing alleged breakfast” game can possibly go from here. All I know is that the dudes who make Cookie Crisp had better respond to this quickly. (Hint for Cookie Crisp dudes: Figure out how to turn ice cream Drumsticks into a cereal.)

In fact, Cupcake Pebbles are so clearly a horrible idea for breakfast that, in an industry first, Post has pretty much given up pretending you should eat it for anything but dessert. It’s sold in the breakfast aisle, but nowhere on the box are Cupcake Pebbles shown anywhere near a bowl, spoon, or milk; instead, you’re given all sorts of helpful tips on how to throw yourself a “Pebbles Party.” I was too busy shoveling myself into a sugar coma to read closely, but from what I can remember, “Pebbles Parties” are pretty easy to put together — all you need is a box of Cupcake Pebbles (natch), a box of yellow cake mix, an oven big enough to fit a cupcake that Dino can jump out of, a belt with at least three extra holes in it, and a terrific health plan. Oh, and family members who will drive you to the hospital for a shot of epinephrine instead of simply disowning your disgusting ass when they come home and find you passed out in a puddle of sweat, pink milk, and soggy Cupcake Pebbles.

But you know what? No one ever said it was easy, living life among the culinary vanguard. You have to pay a price for stepping outside the bland Midwestern standards other people have set for themselves at the breakfast table. Trix? Apple Jacks? Please — that shit is tired. Tomorrow’s fake breakfast cereals will beg for literal tubs of frosting even as they promise to be excellent sources of vitamin D, and Cupcake Pebbles are a delicious harbinger of that future. These are truly exciting times. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go swallow a bag of uncooked rice to try and soak up whatever the hell I just ate, and find a toothpaste strong enough to scrape the smooth coating of self-loathing off my teeth. What does Andrew Zimmern use?




  • Pingback: uberVU - social comments()

  • http://twitter.com/michaelparr Michael Parr

    Having been denied them in my youth, I still hold Fruity Pebbles in high regard, though this may be mislead in that I've not actually eaten them in the last 15 years. This, however, just looks and sounds vile.

  • http://popdose.com MatthewBolin

    Why don't Post executives just jack off into a bowl of frosting and be done with it? Because that's pretty much the level of respect they have for their consumers if they're foisting this onto people with straight faces.

  • http://www.popdose.com DwDunphy

    Hey, little Jimmy! Reach right into the box and see what prize is in there!

    Dialysis!! Yay!!

  • Matt

    Damn, I think I might actually enjoy eating this. I have issues.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=679113018 MichaelWSP

    Why is there not video of Jeff eating all of this vile stuff he reviews? Get with the tiiiiiiimes, man!

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    I'm repulsive and women fear me.

  • http://www.popdose.com DwDunphy

    And it would be awful to have a video of you going into sugar-induced shock going viral…

  • anniezaleski

    NO.

  • Pingback: TwittLink - Your headlines on Twitter()

  • nick

    hello my firends. i would just like to say you have no life. this is cereal WTF are u arguing about? because u were beat up on a play ground as a child doesnt mean you have to rip my dreams away from me

  • http://www.popdose.com Ted

    Back in the Jefitoblog days, I used to like the pictures of you trying the food or drink featured in the Gross-Off. They had a “I'm doing this for science” quality to them.

  • http://bookdragonslair.com/ Gina

    I'm headed into a sugar coma as we speak but am hoping the ROFLMAO will counteract it.

  • Ariel

    hahaha. i didn't even notice before how “nowhere on the box are Cupcake Pebbles shown anywhere near a bowl, spoon, or milk.” I kind of want to buy these, but are they really not cereal? i'm so confused. this review is hilarious by the way.

  • Ariel

    hahaha. i didn't even notice before how “nowhere on the box are Cupcake Pebbles shown anywhere near a bowl, spoon, or milk.” I kind of want to buy these, but are they really not cereal? i'm so confused. this review is hilarious by the way.

  • lauren

    i think this looks pretty amazing…actually.

  • slinky

    i'm right there with you

  • http://www.TKO.clanservers.com/ BooM

    Just ate 2 bowls of Cupcake Pebbles while reading this… I'm not joking.

  • Cupcake Pebbles Lover

    well there NOT vile, your vile! ANDDD they are quite DELICIOUSSS!!!!!! ass…

  • Kelly

    Did you check the label? It's no worse than the Cocoa or Fruity Pebbles or half the kid cereals out there. Don't miss the major market! Moms on a diet! This still beats real cupcakes!!! It does taste good.

  • Worldwearytraveller

    Ah, geeze these look pretty bad. I'm all for Fruity Pebbles now and then but these varities aren't all that great. The ad wizards need to go back to the drawing board for this one. At least its not a total disaster, like Toyota! MUAHAHAH

  • Manish

    Looks like cereal

  • http://safetyrope.blogspot.com/ Todd

    I walked by these in the aisle and did a double take and said yeah definitely need to buy these, and they are as awful as advertised. Long live cereal!

  • Pingback: OMG. - Meez Forums()

  • chazradd

    this article is dumb.
    the author is a huge douche.

  • Adam

    “If Betty Crocker and Mike Tyson decided to open a bakery together, I think they would aspire to the visceral scent-clubbing this cereal delivers — it’s so thick, by the time you tear open the bag, you feel like you’ve already eaten several bowls.”

    Hilarious :-D

  • Tesha

    WTF . that cereal is AMAZiNG &+ its really qood . dont knock it , if you havent tried it :) dumb ass ppl qettinq hype over cereal crack me up . i quess some people dont have lives besides judqinq erratic thinqs such as cereal for example ? roflmao . smh times INFINITY .

  • Alicia

    Jeff Giles needs to get off his high horse, and you other people on here that probably don't have kids so stop complaining. If my kids were overweight I still wouldn't deny them at least a day of eating Cupcake Pebbles. All my kids like the taste of this cereal, and they want to try to make cupcakes with the pebbles as sprinkles for my sons upcoming birthday. Ask any kid what was their favorite desert is, and they will mostly say cupcakes. People like you deny kids a great childhood memory of eating cupcakes. I also like the fact that Post cereal is cheaper than the other brands.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    Lady, I hope you're seeing a therapist, and I hope you get better soon.

  • Alicia

    Just give me the phone number to the therapist that your mother goes to.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    I hope I never take anything as seriously as you apparently take cereal.

  • Alicia

    I just commented like the other people on here about this cereal. The reason simply because when something good comes out it gets discontinued. Believe me I have a life other than worrying about cereal apparently you don't because your always on here.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    Because I run the site, bozo. And you were the only commenter to suggest I get off my “high horse” after reading what was clearly a tongue-in-cheek column. Now why don't you go leave a pissed-off comment on some Kix fan board about the new box design?

  • Alicia

    I think the cereal is more important than the box design after all your not eating the box. I knew your life was all about cereal.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    I don't even know what you're talking about anymore, crazy lady. Go away and don't come around here no more.

  • Alicia

    The only one thats crazy is you what do you expect when you put yourself out there like that. You can make rude comments but you can't take it in return you little pussy.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    I want someone to make a cartoon series about the lunatic carnival inside your brain.

  • commonsense

    Holy. Shit. If there is one thing i cannot stand, it is people that use the “Q” key irresponsibly. The word “good” is spelled with a “G”. NOT A DAMN “Q”. “Judqing” is not a god-damn word. It's correctly spelled “judging”. I'm sure you know this, so why in the hell would you think these letters are interchangeable?

  • Mk

    whoever wrote this is fabulously talented with a keyboard, witty and entertaining…i really enjoyed reading it!

  • CommonSense

    This is stupid all I want is a simple answer is the cereal good, or bad from only people who have tried it. Apparently most of the people on here including the writer of this column are mental for having arguments about a box of cereal. If you don't like it than don't eat it there problem solved. Was that so hard to figure out?

  • http://www.popdose.com DwDunphy

    The point is that we're here to write about it, and that's what Jeff did. The cereal is not healthy. It is candy in the guise of a breakfast item. In an age of rampant diabetes and childhood obesity, a product like this should be seen as scandalous as Joe Camel was to enticing underage smoking, in fact more so.

    Now, people have the right to their opinion and if they feel this is a suitable product for them, they're free to eat it. The Popdose Healthcare Goon Squad will not kick in your door and drag you out. But it was Jeff's job to state what he thought of the product, and he did. That people are taking a personal offense to his “denigration” of a foodstuff is an extreme that verges on the ludicrous. His column will not shut down the product and anyone who thinks any publication has that sort of power over industry is deluded. What shuts down a product is pure and simple cash money. If people don't buy it, the product goes bye-bye.

    And in this case, the product deserves to go bye-bye. I'm not saying children should have to eat Mueslix every morning, but I'm also not saying they should be eating candy devised as a breakfast item either. It's an atrocity that any caring adult would sanction this for their kids, BUT if they do, that's their own lookout. Lambasting a writer for doing his job, then putting him on the defense for doing his job not only is wrong in basic premise, but in functionality. We're here to write, and if we have to, defend our writing. That's what we do. That's what we'll continue to do. We're a website, not a manufacturing concern.

    But if anyone feels their favorite product is on the verge of disappearing, go buy it, and lots of it. Support what they do. And if you are unsatisfied with the Popdose opinions, don't support us. We're doing exactly what we're here to do and nothing but. If that is not satisfactory to any one person, they have a mandate to find a site that will meet their personal inclinations.

    Sorry if this comes across as rude – It's not intended to be so, but a driver drives, a swimmer swims and a writer writes. To find fault with someone for doing what they do just seems like trolling for a fight.

  • christinabina

    Jeff — you're brilliant. You have no need to listen to her…she doesn't have control of proper English grammar (“your” instead of “you're”?! PUH-lease!)

    Thank you for doing what you do, and keep up the good work. The educated and intelligent Americans appreciate your efforts :)

  • Pingback: Happy Easter 2010! [chapmagne chiffon cake w/ homemade whipped cream] « Life is so Limelicious()

  • your mother.

    She's had too many cupcake pebbles!! RUN!

  • Jogger

    Party time! With a Pebbles Giant Cupcake! This column is great. Gold star for you Jeff :)
    It also makes me want to eat Kashi and go for a jog…

  • Alysa Locke

    I have tried this cereal, and ya know what? Its pretty amazing people. prettttty ammmazzzing! I'm eating right now! lol XD

  • Aubmob

    Where did you find them? I've been looking forever!

  • ouiserb

    You have literally made me cry and simultaneously snort with this post. Hilarious!

  • Kimothy:)

    hayy there… juss wanted to let you know… LIES LIES LIES :) i their actually pretty good haha.. but their not far off from rice crispies, they just have a little vanills flavoring to make them sweet

  • Kimothy:)

    DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT TOTAL… or this cereal:) haha the terrets guy… so funny:)