The Nineteenth Day of Mellowmas: Archiemas!

Written by Mellowmas, Music

Jason: So before we start, Jeff, I’d like you to tell our readers about how you felt when this CD showed up on your doorstep. Sent lovingly by yours truly.

Jeff: Well, for some strange reason, you insisted on requiring a signature for delivery.

Jason: That wasn’t me. That was Amazon. But okay, I’ll take the credit.

Jeff: And the UPS guy happened to show up when I wasn’t home.  So I spent an entire day wondering what wonderful gift someone might have sent me.

Jason: Go on.

Jeff: Something so precious that it needed a signature.

Jason: Yes. YES.

Jeff: It had to be valuable!

Jason: Like a delicate Christmas ornament! Or a puppy!

Jeff: Mayhap! And then the guy showed up, and it was just this dinky little box. And I opened it…and then…

Jason: Go on…

Jeff: Hang on, I need a moment.

Jason: Take your time. Our readers will wait.

Jeff: I opened it, and there…There was this THING…

Jason: …Yes? Yes?

Jeff: Oh, it was awful.

Jason: Tell me. Tell us.

Jeff: It was The Archies Christmas Album featuring Betty & Veronica.

Archies Christmas Party! COME ON!

Jason: YES. It WAS. Did you scream out, “MOTHERFUCKER!”? Because that’s what I did when you sent me the Judy Collins CD.

Jeff: I think I may have done that, actually. And then I checked the receipt, and it had your name on it. Along with a brief note.

Jason: …which said…?

Jeff: “Suck it!”

Jason: YES! I wanted to write, “Suck it, fuckface!” but I wasn’t sure if Amazon would stop it from going out.

Jeff: You are a bastard. You really, truly are.

Jason: Yay! Mellowmas, Mellowmas, have a merry Mellowmas!

Jeff: We’ll find out when I send you a copy of — well, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Jason: I threw the Judy Collins CD across the room, which was a bad idea because now the CD case is cracked and I can’t give it to my Aunt. I mean, sure, I could put it in a new case, but that’s a waste of a new case.

Jeff: Just use one of the Mardones cases. (Note: back in 2006, Jeff “graciously” sent Jason the entire Benny Mardones discography.  Prick.)

Jason: Ooooh! You asshole!

Jeff: Or have you had those bronzed?

Jason: They sat on the floor under my desk at work until I left that job. When I was packing up my shit, I was tempted to just leave them there for the next occupant.

Jeff: You should have!

Jason: Instead — and I don’t know why — I took them home. I have no idea where they are now. One, I think, is underneath the litter box.

Jeff: Oh, I know why.

Jason: Why?

Jeff: Because you love Benny Mardones.

Jason: Shit. You have me there.

Jeff: You looooooooooooove him.

Jason: I do kind of looooooove him. Even though I’ve still only heard “Into the Night.”

Jeff: Which sucks, but is still thousands of times better than anything on this piece of shit CD.

Jason: Well, let’s see, shall we?

Jeff: We shall.

Jason: Onto the Archies!

The Archies — I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (download)

Archies Christmas Party! COME ON!

From The Archies Christmas Album Featuring Betty and Veronica Amazon iTunes

Jeff: I hate it already. I hate you even more.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! This is awful!

Jeff: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Jason: It might have almost – ALMOST – made sense in 1998.

Jeff: This is like “Sugar Sugar” after someone took a dump on it.

Jason: Ha! Shitty Sugar!

Jeff: Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Jason: I wonder: is this Betty or Veronica?

Jeff: I know we’re supposed to snark on these songs, but all I want to do is swear.

Jason: Man, can you hear the AutoTune? ‘Cause I can totally hear the AutoTune. Key change! Probably achieved by a pitch shift in ProTools!

Jeff: This is the worst thing I’ve ever heard for Mellowmas.

Jason: Oh, stop it.

Jeff: No, I’m serious.

Jason: It’s nowhere NEAR the worst thing you’ve ever heard for Mellowmas.

Jeff: It is!

Jason: It isn’t. You’re being melodramatic. Stop it.

Jeff: I’m not either.

Jason: Yes, you are. Think back.

Jeff: I want to punch this girl. And you. And then the girl again.

Jason: Ha! Hang on, I found the MySpace pages for these girls.

Jeff: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. I was hoping they were Ron Dante after some kind of gross post-production.

Jason: Kelly Lynn and Danielle van Zyl.

Jeff: Hey, these girls are built like the real Betty and Veronica! Suddenly, I like this song more.

Jason: I’m glad you mentioned him. Have you noticed something interesting about this album? It’s The Archies Christmas Album featuring Betty & Veronica. And they’re not kidding. Archie — Ron Dante — gets, like, NO singing time. You heard him a little bit at the end of that track. But the Archies people are no idiots.

Jeff: Says you. And even if they aren’t idiots, they’re still evil.

Jason: They know that kids who read Archie comics, and listen to this stuff, don’t want to hear 100-year-old Ron Dante.

Jeff: KIDS DON’T READ ARCHIE COMICS!

Jason: They don’t? I know I did when I was a kid. But then again, I listen to Mellow Gold, so go figure.

Jeff: Oh my God. Nobody ever slapped you with a rolled-up Spider-Man?

Jason: I had a huge collection of Archie comics. And not just mine — I had my mother’s, too.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Oh, fuck you!

Jeff: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha hah ha hahahahahaha

Jason: If I had known this was going to be a point of teasing, I never would have brought it up. FUCK.

Jeff: I saw Mommy reading Archie comics…

Jason: At least my mom’s not a prostitute. Because yours totally is. I’m just saying. I saw your mommy blowing Santa Claus. And by “Santa Claus,” I mean “me.”

Jeff: At least my mom doesn’t call my dad Mr. Weatherbee.

Jason: You wanna listen to another one? Let’s listen to one of the Archies-centric tracks. Let’s listen to “Archie’s Christmas Party.”

Jeff: Another one? Shit.

Jason: Hey, come on. Ron Dante needs our support.

Jeff: He needs a punch in the head.

Jason: You think that cruise line gig is paying the bills? No siree.

Jeff: Cruise line whaaa?

Jason: Yeah. I, uh, looked him up too.

Jeff: Man, if I bought tickets for a cruise and Ron Dante was the entertainment, I would fucking kill somebody.

Jason: You’d jump off the ship?

Jeff: Jump off? With an open bar? Don’t be stupid. I said I’d kill SOMEONE.

Jason: Dammit. I was hoping you’d jump off. I’m already on the cruise line page, ready to buy you a ticket.

Jeff: Does Ron bring Kelly-Lynn and Danielle on these cruises?

Jason: I’m glad you asked.

Jeff: Ha!

Jason: There he is! He actually looks pretty good. Well preserved.

Jeff: There is no God.

Jason: Only Jughead.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: “Archie’s Christmas Party” or “Here Comes Santa Claus.” Both feature a sliver of Dante. Take your pick.

Jeff: I have “Party” cued up.

Jason: Okay. Let’s give our readers what they deserve! More Archies!

The Archies — Archie’s Christmas Party (download)

Archies Christmas Party! COME ON!

From The Archies Christmas Album Featuring Betty and Veronica Amazon iTunes

Jason: Oooh, tambourine! I think that’s Betty singing. Just FYI.

Jeff: Again, I am filled with hate.

Jason: It’s Archie’s Christmas Partyyyyy! We’re gonna have fun! Clap! Clap clap!

Jeff: I wonder if it’s a rainbow party?

Jason: Betty and Veronica will sing along! Archie will stand around and eat pureed food! Reggie will give Hot Dog a reacharound!

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Wait, they just promised us “famous names.”

Jeff: Do these people really think they’re jump-starting the franchise with this record?

Jason: I have no idea.

Jeff: No one is going to buy this. I’m surprised you didn’t get a signed letter from Ron Dante.

Jason: I thought Ron Dante would be driving the UPS truck! Still no Archie on this track, though.

Jeff: Oh, there he is.

Jeff: I think I hear his gums rattling.

Jason: He actually sounds pretty good, all things considered. Like, you know, his AGE.

Jeff: Jesus Christ, this is lame.

Jason: Archie’s Christmas Party! COME ON! COME ON! Archie’s Christmas Party!

Jason: I wonder what Ron Dante thinks when he sings this stuff.
“I get to eat tonight!”

Jeff: How badly would you want to change careers if you played on this album?

Jason: You know, I’m glad you asked that. I always think about these session musicians.

Jeff: Oh no. Did you look them up, too?

Jason: Um…maybe. I looked up the bassist. Leave me alone.

Jeff: Tell me it’s the same guy you stalked at the Air Supply concert.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! I WISH! I love that guy! The bassist plays on oldies cruises. I’m not sure if he plays with Ron Dante, though. Probably.

Jeff: In more ways than one!

Jason: ZING!

Jeff: ZANG! So anyway, those songs suck.

Jason: True dat.

Jeff: Just like everything else on this horrible album.

Jason: But that’s why we feature them this Mellowmas.

Jeff: It’s the Mellowmas spirit.

Jason: And that’s why I sent them to you. Enjoy, asshole. Merry Mellowmas.

Jeff: I hope you choke on that smug grin you’re wearing, dickhole. Merry Mellowmas to you.