The Nineteenth Day of Mellowmas: Jesus and the Shondells

Jeff: Well, Jason, we’re nearing the end of another Mellowmas. Only a few more days to go!

Jason: OHTHANKGOD

Jeff: We’ve heard so much this year.

Jason: I’ve already done my darndest to forget most of it.

Jeff: We found out about Norwegian country music.

Jason: And yet we didn’t find out what an Arne Benoni really is.

Jeff: We learned what a Mandisa is, though.

Jason: It got all up in my Figglehorn, if I recall correctly.

Jeff: It did, and it was painful. Oh, and we had more Dollytoe!

Jason: Yes, as a part of Scheffmas.

Jeff: What this Mellowmas has been suspiciously light on, however, is songs from artists whose last names could be first names.

Jason: Bryan Adams comes close!

Jeff: Close, but not quite! And I know you love music by artists whose last names could be first names. I mean, hey, Billy Joel. Also Lionel Richie!

Jason: Ah! You forgot one we did! Toby Keith! SUCK IT!

Jeff: Flippity flops CABO WABO!

Jason: But yes. You are right. And I know exactly where you’re going with this.

Jeff: You do?

Jason: Yes. Because it was either last year or the year before when a CD showed up in my mailbox.

Jeff: I’m leaning forward expectantly.

Jason: And it looked a little like this:

Tommy James, "I Love Christmas"

Jason: And I screamed, “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!”

Jeff: leprechaun dance

Jason: You and your goddamn leprechaun dance.

At the time, I believe Mellowmas was just about over, so I stashed the CD in a cabinet and forgot about it.
Which was awesome.

Jeff: Did you forget about it, only to rediscover it months later? Please say you did.

Jason: Unfortunately, I decided to clean the cabinet last month. glares YES, I FOUND IT.

Jeff: Oh, I love this story so much. I wish Jimmy Durante were here to narrate it.

Jason: And this is the worst part: It was like I was in a trance. I walked over to my computer with the CD and ripped it.

There was a part of me that was like, “What the hell are you doing?” but it was this teeny-tiny small part and I could barely hear it. There was a much louder voice yelling “RIP IT! RIIIIIP IIIIIIIIT!”

Jeff: That was my voice! It was me!

Jason: And that’s how Tommy James’ I Love Christmas ended up in my iTunes.

Jeff: wild applause That’s where it belongs. You can’t deny it. I mean, just look at that album cover.

Jason: It’s as if someone took a physical pair of scissors to the photo of him.

Jeff: I wish they’d kept going and given him a haircut. Jesus, Tommy James.

So what’s on this record, anyway? Do we get to hear “Crystal Blue Silent Night”?

Jason: I’ll be honest with you: I never made it past the first track.

Jeff: That’s impressive. You make it through everything!

Jason: According to the press release, it was played on over 3000 radio stations nationwide. And it was what inspired him to record the entire album.

Jeff: “*Nation of Kazakhstan”

Jason: And you’re right. I usually do make it through everything. I didn’t stop here because I was fed-up. I stopped here because I felt like there was just no need to go any further.

Jeff: Oh no. You mean…

Jason: It’s PERFECT. I think we’ve encountered a track like “I Love Christmas” before, Jeff.

Jeff: Did it end with me stabbing myself?

Jason: You know those ones where someone just looks up all the words related to “Christmas” and just chucks ‘em all into one song?

Jeff: Have you ever heard of Mellowmas?

Jason: Ha! Welcome to “I Love Christmas.”

Tommy James, “I Love Christmas” (download)
Tommy James, "I Love Christmas"
From I Love Christmas

Jeff: Ahhhh, shit. I can tell where this is going already.

Jason: Hey, there are the bells Vanessa Carlton was looking for!

Jeff: Aaaaand there are the fake bells.

Jason: Oh yeah! So synthy!

Jeff: Fake everything, actually.

Jason: Who records a beat like this in 2008?

Jeff: This was recorded in 2008?

Jason: That’s when the album was released. Not sure about the track itself, actually.

Jeff: I feel like Tommy James went on a bender in 1989, recorded this in a fit of black holiday hatred, and accidentally rediscovered it in 2008.

Jason: That’s totally plausible.

Jeff: Speaking of black holiday hatred, here’s me right now.

Jason: Hey, YOU sent it to ME, asshole!

Jeff: I had no idea.

Sax solo!

Jason: So pander-y! Ooh, let’s break it down right here.

Jeff: Synth wind!

Jason: So now he’s watching his own kids under the Christmas tree? How small are these kids?

Jeff: Oh, now he’s watching his own kids under the Christmas tree. I bet Kevin Cronin wishes he wrote this.

Jason: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!!!!

Jeff: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jason: OBLIGATORY GOSPEL SINGER!!!!

Jeff: That’s a Mellowmas cock punch right there. Screw you, Tommy James.

Jason: He mentioned “Christmas,” “the USA,” and “Jesus” in a FIVE-SECOND INTERVAL. That’s TALENT!

Jeff: Yeah, and he waited until halfway through the song! He starts off making you think he’s recording a Stephen Bishop B-side, and then he slips in the religious patriotic crap.

Jason: Wait, here comes the ending. Count how many other songs he throws in!

Four….
Five….
Six….
Seven! “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear” and it doesn’t even fit!

Jeff: NOTHING FITS

Jason: And a creepy “I love Christmas” whisper! Do you see why I stopped here?

Jeff: BEAUTY IS AN ILLUSION AND EVERYTHING IS AWFUL

Jason: These things continue to happen, Jeff, so long as your wife allows you access to a credit card. You have nobody to blame but yourself.

Jeff: You make a good argument, but I’m going to keep on blaming Tommy James. “Happy Birthday Jesus.” GOD.

Jason: That was the moment I knew we had to listen to this track together.

Jeff: What do you think the odds are that he wrote this song with a straight face?

Jason: Oh, I think they’re quite, quite high.

Jeff: I don’t know much about Tommy James, but I feel like any sane adult would know what a load of crap this is.

Jason: Well, happy birthday Jesus, everyone.

Jeff: I feel like we could have gotten Him a better gift, but, um, it’s Mellowmas. Ho, ho, ho?

Jason: Are your ears red right now? Because EVERYBODY ON THE INTERNET IS GLARING AT YOU.

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare
Two people, separate rooms
Trying to hurt the other
Bound together by destiny
Is there nothing they won’t do?
Will we never see them through?