Jeff: Well, Jason, we’re nearing the end of another Mellowmas. Only a few more days to go!
Jeff: We’ve heard so much this year.
Jason: I’ve already done my darndest to forget most of it.
Jeff: We found out about Norwegian country music.
Jason: And yet we didn’t find out what an Arne Benoni really is.
Jeff: We learned what a Mandisa is, though.
Jason: It got all up in my Figglehorn, if I recall correctly.
Jeff: It did, and it was painful. Oh, and we had more Dollytoe!
Jason: Yes, as a part of Scheffmas.
Jeff: What this Mellowmas has been suspiciously light on, however, is songs from artists whose last names could be first names.
Jason: Bryan Adams comes close!
Jeff: Close, but not quite! And I know you love music by artists whose last names could be first names. I mean, hey, Billy Joel. Also Lionel Richie!
Jason: Ah! You forgot one we did! Toby Keith! SUCK IT!
Jeff: Flippity flops CABO WABO!
Jason: But yes. You are right. And I know exactly where you’re going with this.
Jeff: You do?
Jason: Yes. Because it was either last year or the year before when a CD showed up in my mailbox.
Jeff: I’m leaning forward expectantly.
Jason: And it looked a little like this:
Jason: And I screamed, “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!”
Jeff: leprechaun dance
Jason: You and your goddamn leprechaun dance.
At the time, I believe Mellowmas was just about over, so I stashed the CD in a cabinet and forgot about it.
Which was awesome.
Jeff: Did you forget about it, only to rediscover it months later? Please say you did.
Jason: Unfortunately, I decided to clean the cabinet last month. glares YES, I FOUND IT.
Jeff: Oh, I love this story so much. I wish Jimmy Durante were here to narrate it.
Jason: And this is the worst part: It was like I was in a trance. I walked over to my computer with the CD and ripped it.
There was a part of me that was like, “What the hell are you doing?” but it was this teeny-tiny small part and I could barely hear it. There was a much louder voice yelling “RIP IT! RIIIIIP IIIIIIIIT!”
Jeff: That was my voice! It was me!
Jason: And that’s how Tommy James’ I Love Christmas ended up in my iTunes.
Jeff: wild applause That’s where it belongs. You can’t deny it. I mean, just look at that album cover.
Jason: It’s as if someone took a physical pair of scissors to the photo of him.
Jeff: I wish they’d kept going and given him a haircut. Jesus, Tommy James.
So what’s on this record, anyway? Do we get to hear “Crystal Blue Silent Night”?
Jason: I’ll be honest with you: I never made it past the first track.
Jeff: That’s impressive. You make it through everything!
Jason: According to the press release, it was played on over 3000 radio stations nationwide. And it was what inspired him to record the entire album.
Jeff: “*Nation of Kazakhstan”
Jason: And you’re right. I usually do make it through everything. I didn’t stop here because I was fed-up. I stopped here because I felt like there was just no need to go any further.
Jeff: Oh no. You mean…
Jason: It’s PERFECT. I think we’ve encountered a track like “I Love Christmas” before, Jeff.
Jeff: Did it end with me stabbing myself?
Jason: You know those ones where someone just looks up all the words related to “Christmas” and just chucks ’em all into one song?
Jeff: Have you ever heard of Mellowmas?
Jason: Ha! Welcome to “I Love Christmas.”
Tommy James, “I Love Christmas” (download)
From I Love Christmas
Jeff: Ahhhh, shit. I can tell where this is going already.
Jason: Hey, there are the bells Vanessa Carlton was looking for!
Jeff: Aaaaand there are the fake bells.
Jason: Oh yeah! So synthy!
Jeff: Fake everything, actually.
Jason: Who records a beat like this in 2008?
Jeff: This was recorded in 2008?
Jason: That’s when the album was released. Not sure about the track itself, actually.
Jeff: I feel like Tommy James went on a bender in 1989, recorded this in a fit of black holiday hatred, and accidentally rediscovered it in 2008.
Jason: That’s totally plausible.
Jeff: Speaking of black holiday hatred, here’s me right now.
Jason: Hey, YOU sent it to ME, asshole!
Jeff: I had no idea.
Jason: So pander-y! Ooh, let’s break it down right here.
Jeff: Synth wind!
Jason: So now he’s watching his own kids under the Christmas tree? How small are these kids?
Jeff: Oh, now he’s watching his own kids under the Christmas tree. I bet Kevin Cronin wishes he wrote this.
Jason: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!!!!
Jason: OBLIGATORY GOSPEL SINGER!!!!
Jeff: That’s a Mellowmas cock punch right there. Screw you, Tommy James.
Jason: He mentioned “Christmas,” “the USA,” and “Jesus” in a FIVE-SECOND INTERVAL. That’s TALENT!
Jeff: Yeah, and he waited until halfway through the song! He starts off making you think he’s recording a Stephen Bishop B-side, and then he slips in the religious patriotic crap.
Jason: Wait, here comes the ending. Count how many other songs he throws in!
Seven! “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear” and it doesn’t even fit!
Jeff: NOTHING FITS
Jason: And a creepy “I love Christmas” whisper! Do you see why I stopped here?
Jeff: BEAUTY IS AN ILLUSION AND EVERYTHING IS AWFUL
Jason: These things continue to happen, Jeff, so long as your wife allows you access to a credit card. You have nobody to blame but yourself.
Jeff: You make a good argument, but I’m going to keep on blaming Tommy James. “Happy Birthday Jesus.” GOD.
Jason: That was the moment I knew we had to listen to this track together.
Jeff: What do you think the odds are that he wrote this song with a straight face?
Jason: Oh, I think they’re quite, quite high.
Jeff: I don’t know much about Tommy James, but I feel like any sane adult would know what a load of crap this is.
Jason: Well, happy birthday Jesus, everyone.
Jeff: I feel like we could have gotten Him a better gift, but, um, it’s Mellowmas. Ho, ho, ho?
Jason: Are your ears red right now? Because EVERYBODY ON THE INTERNET IS GLARING AT YOU.