The Ninth Day of Mellowmas: Edge of a Broken Mellowmas

Jeff: Hey, you’re still here!

Jason: Don’t act surprised. You chained me to the radiator, remember? Black Snake Mellowmas.

Jeff: That…that is a mental image I will never be rid of.

Um, speaking of inappropriate relationships.

Remember how Fred Schneider feels about Santa, Jason?

Jason: Oh god. I had forgotten all about that. I was thinking about FRUITCAAAYYYYKE and forgot about the other song.

Jeff: Yes. The OTHER song. I feel like every couple of seasons, we stumble across a song that takes the Christmas spirit and turns it into something nasty.

Do you kind of sense where I’m going with this?

Jason: I would argue that Mellowmas takes the Christmas spirit and turns it into something nasty.
But yes, I think I know what you’re talking about and I don’t like it one bit.

Jeff: I’m talking about a “Miss Jackson” type of nasty.

Jason: Oh no.

Jeff: Yes, so here’s Elizabeth Chan and her holiday EP, Naughty & Nice. Which contains a song titled “Vixen.”

Jason: Why do I feel like I already know what’s going to happen in this song?

Jeff: I know that makes you want to hear “Edge of a Broken Heart” with sleigh bells, but no.

Jason: Can’t we listen to that song instead? Please? Richard Marx wrote it.

Jeff: I know he did! But no, get out your dancing shoes instead. Get ready to twerk.

Jeff: Ah, that intro is classy.

UH OH HERE COMES THE BEAT

Jason: And then comes the bass.

Jeff: She’s so bad, he named a reindeer after her, Jason. She wants to dance on his North Pole. He comes there once a year.

Jason: *speechless*

Jeff: Yeah, that was my reaction. This is 100 percent wrong.

Jason: I mean, let me say this: Vixen definitely doesn’t get enough attention. None of them do, except for Rudolph. But this is the wrong kind of attention.

Jeff: EVERY LINE OF THIS SONG IS GROSS. She wants a map to Santa’s lap!

Jason: I’m picturing a reindeer grinding on Santa, which is not something I ever wanted to ever, ever picture in my life. That said, it is kind of catchy. I’m pretty sure I’m going to wake up at 3 AM with the chorus in my head.

Jeff: Santa, confused. Santa, trapped under an amorous reindeer. Santa, pelvis crushed by reindeer dong.

Jason: Vix-en!
Vix-en!
Vix-en!

Jeff: This is grosser than anything I’ve heard in a long, long time. Even the fa la las in the background are gross.

Jason: I feel like we have to record a PSA for Christmas. “You, or maybe even someone you know, might be thinking about having sex with Santa this holiday season. Just say no to grinding on Santa’s lap.”

“Especially if YOU ARE A REINDEER.”

Jeff: “Step off, bitch! He’s mine. This has been Elizabeth Chan for Just Plain Wrong, LLC.”

Jason: Also, I have it on good authority that Vixen was nailing Prancer.

Jeff: I feel empty inside now. I don’t like knowing this song exists.

Jason: Sweet dreams, friend. May you dream of reindeer-on-Kringle action.

Jeff: *barf*

Jason: Nothing says Mellowmas like some holiday bestiality. Vix-en!

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare
Two people, separate rooms
Trying to hurt the other
Bound together by destiny
Is there nothing they won’t do?
Will we never see them through?