Elizabeth Chan

The Ninth Day of Mellowmas: Edge of a Broken Mellowmas

Jeff: Hey, you’re still here!

Jason: Don’t act surprised. You chained me to the radiator, remember? Black Snake Mellowmas.

Jeff: That…that is a mental image I will never be rid of.

Um, speaking of inappropriate relationships.

Remember how Fred Schneider feels about Santa, Jason?

Jason: Oh god. I had forgotten all about that. I was thinking about FRUITCAAAYYYYKE and forgot about the other song.

Jeff: Yes. The OTHER song. I feel like every couple of seasons, we stumble across a song that takes the Christmas spirit and turns it into something nasty.

Do you kind of sense where I’m going with this?

Jason: I would argue that Mellowmas takes the Christmas spirit and turns it into something nasty.
But yes, I think I know what you’re talking about and I don’t like it one bit.

Jeff: I’m talking about a “Miss Jackson” type of nasty.

Jason: Oh no.

Jeff: Yes, so here’s Elizabeth Chan and her holiday EP, Naughty & Nice. Which contains a song titled “Vixen.”

Jason: Why do I feel like I already know what’s going to happen in this song?

Jeff: I know that makes you want to hear “Edge of a Broken Heart” with sleigh bells, but no.

Jason: Can’t we listen to that song instead? Please? Richard Marx wrote it.

Jeff: I know he did! But no, get out your dancing shoes instead. Get ready to twerk.

Jeff: Ah, that intro is classy.

UH OH HERE COMES THE BEAT

Jason: And then comes the bass.

Jeff: She’s so bad, he named a reindeer after her, Jason. She wants to dance on his North Pole. He comes there once a year.

Jason: *speechless*

Jeff: Yeah, that was my reaction. This is 100 percent wrong.

Jason: I mean, let me say this: Vixen definitely doesn’t get enough attention. None of them do, except for Rudolph. But this is the wrong kind of attention.

Jeff: EVERY LINE OF THIS SONG IS GROSS. She wants a map to Santa’s lap!

Jason: I’m picturing a reindeer grinding on Santa, which is not something I ever wanted to ever, ever picture in my life. That said, it is kind of catchy. I’m pretty sure I’m going to wake up at 3 AM with the chorus in my head.

Jeff: Santa, confused. Santa, trapped under an amorous reindeer. Santa, pelvis crushed by reindeer dong.

Jason: Vix-en!
Vix-en!
Vix-en!

Jeff: This is grosser than anything I’ve heard in a long, long time. Even the fa la las in the background are gross.

Jason: I feel like we have to record a PSA for Christmas. “You, or maybe even someone you know, might be thinking about having sex with Santa this holiday season. Just say no to grinding on Santa’s lap.”

“Especially if YOU ARE A REINDEER.”

Jeff: “Step off, bitch! He’s mine. This has been Elizabeth Chan for Just Plain Wrong, LLC.”

Jason: Also, I have it on good authority that Vixen was nailing Prancer.

Jeff: I feel empty inside now. I don’t like knowing this song exists.

Jason: Sweet dreams, friend. May you dream of reindeer-on-Kringle action.

Jeff: *barf*

Jason: Nothing says Mellowmas like some holiday bestiality. Vix-en!




  • Jay

    At a glance a couple hours ago I was scared that today was a Boston song. Then I got excited when I thought that woman up there was gonna do a half-assed Harajuku Vixen cover. It’s been kind of an emotional rollercoaster this morning you can imagine.

  • http://sportsmyriad.com Beau

    She left a “high-powered media job” for her recording career, with an assist from Steve Lillywhite:
    http://www.billboard.com/articles/columns/pop-shop/5812401/elizabeth-chan-christmas-music-singer-fa-la-la-charts

    At which point Bono punched him in the face.

  • Jay

    ” ‘Wouldn’t it be great if I could give everything up and just write
    Christmas songs?’ Everybody would get real quiet and just look at me, then look at the floor.”

  • http://www.interbridge.com/lineups.html trow125

    “Chan estimates she’s amassed some 300 holiday songs since she began writing in earnest during late 2011.” I have to say that despite the fa la la’s and references to Santa, this is the least Christmassy Christmas song I’ve ever heard.

  • Scott Peterson

    Maybe you do need to record that PSA, ‘cuz I’m a little confused: are you implying Festivus bestiality is NOT, in fact, a merry thing? (Mind bah-LOWN!)

  • Jay

    If you think about it, she’s trying to become the protagonist’s father in “About A Boy”. That is her exact dream.

  • Old_Davy

    Can’t you just bring back Wing? Or Mike Love?

  • Jay

    Oh, they’ve got time. Now I’m hoping there *is* some Love so I can witness the LifRage.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=679113018 MichaelWSP

    Am I the really the only one who thinks everything about this, lyrics, production values, that sequenced piano figure from the late 90s, the key change, and (especially) the “HO” tank top, is *hilarious*? This is a riot.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    Hang in there, Jay. It’s almost the 25th (not really).

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    Strong words from a longtime Mellowmas connoisseur!

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    BACK AWAY FROM THE REINDEER, SCOTT.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    It’s been a couple of years since either of them recorded a new Christmas song. Seems like we’re about due, doesn’t it?

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    You’re a disturbed man, Michael.

  • rockymtranger

    I think day 10 has that beat.

  • rockymtranger

    This Vixen does know that Santa is married, right? Or is this just one big ol’ euphemism?

  • Rob Ross

    Santa Claus – there he is. The shill for the Nazis. His name’s an anagram (much like Roman Castevet’s was). It’s really SATAN CLAUS. Claus = SS/Stormtrooper/Gestapo. And a tool for the Devil as well. He wears red, doesn’t he? Just like Mr. Scratch.