Well, look at you! You’ve returned for Day Two of Mellowmas, even though you woke up at 3 AM with “Mellowmas, Mellowmas, have a very Mellowmas” running through your head! Color us impressed. But seriously, folks: now it’s time to get to the true crap of the season. In terms of bad music, Mellowmas really begins today!

Barry Manilow – Because It’s Christmas (For All The Children) (Excerpt from Händel’s Messiah (“For Unto Us A Child Is Born…”)) (download)

From Because It’s Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jeff: Plaintive!

Jason: Clarinet-y!

Jeff: You can really see Barry sitting by the fire. In the Turkish bath.

Jason: Ornaments hanging from his nose. Oh shit! Strings, muthafucka!

Jeff: Wow, this is classy.

Jason: I’m nervous that he hasn’t started singing yet, though.

Jeff: I wasn’t expecting all this class from Barry.

Jason: Oh, here he is!

Jeff: Unto us! A son is given!

Jason: Uh, is that a lot of echo or is it just on my end? “Unto us! A son is given!” again? I GET IT!

Jeff: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooorn

Jason: Piano interlude!

Jeff: I have to say, again, this sounds nothing like what I was expecting.

Jason: What were you expecting?

Jeff: Schmaltz, of course.

Jason: Well, good news: here it is!

Jeff: Oh boy.

Jason: “Tonight the stars shine for the children!” It’s what you were waiting for! Dreams are flying!

Jeff: Tonight our love comes wrapped in ribbons? What?

Jason: Hopes are high. Don’t be cynical. Barry is telling it like it is. A child appears at the window?

Jeff: A child has appeared, and he’s searching the sky.

Jason: Let him in! He’s fucking freezing!

Jeff: I’m not sure Barry knows what Christmas is. He sure does know how to set a synth for “tinkly piano-type sound,” though.

Jason: I’m just picturing Barry singing this inside, by the fire, and a bunch of kids are outside with frostbite. It’s Christmas, for now and forever!

Jeff: I’m picturing Barry praying to a young alien baby who scans the night sky for used Bette Midler LPs.

Jason: I don’t think Barry understands: Christmas is December 25th.

Jeff: Gear shift! Our first gear shift of the season!

Jason: Uh oh…I have a bad feeling that kids are going to start singing soon. And there they are! Singing in the background!

Jeff: Behind Barry’s tender blessings!

Jason: In the bathhouse!

Jeff: Oh BOY is this over the top.

Jason: Seriously. Barry’s standing on the rooftop now. Still not letting the kids in.

Jeff: Christmas, now and FOREVER, for all the CHILDREN, and the CHILDREN IN US ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Jason: Cue the synth horns! Meanwhile, the kids are STILL freezing outside.

Jeff: I’m imagining Barry standing with his arms out wide.

Jason: Let ’em in, Barry!

Jeff: And he’s wearing the blue unitard from his Barry Manilow Live album.

Jason: Ha ha ha! He’s probably freezing too!

Jeff: You can tell?

Jason: I never thought I’d feel sorry for Barry Manilow’s nipples. But here we are.

Wow, that song was really…

really…

…big.

Jeff: Really.

Jason: Hey, did you know Barry has another Christmas album?

Jeff: I did, but this one was released in the ’80s, so I thought it would be a better place to start. And it looks like I was right!

Jason: And by “better,” you mean “unbelievably awful.”

Jeff: I’m still kind of disappointed. I mean, I’d like to hear, you know, “Copacabana” with words about Hanukkah. Speaking of which, what the fuck is Barry Manilow doing singing about Christmas anyway?

Jason: Y’know, I was wondering about that. I mean, he couldn’t do ONE Hanukkah song? Just one?

Jeff: Why do we have to suffer through crappy holiday music from a sellout Jew every year?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: I think Barry could totally rock “The Dreidel Song.”

Jason: I was hoping he’d sing “Blitzen” to the tune of “Mandy.”

Jeff: It’s a DREEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIDEL…I made it out of CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY…

Jason: FOR THE CHIIIIIILDRENNNNN

Jeff: Yes!

Jason: Dreidel for the Children! Barry’s inside, by the fireplace, spinning a dreidel. Lighting the menorah. And the kids? Still outside freezing. Let us into the bathhouse, Barry!

Jeff: I think the kids have busted into his liquor cabinet and are getting shvitzed on Manieschevitz.

Jason: I think shvitz means sweaty.

Jeff: Hmm. Plotzed? It has to end in -zed.

Jason: You know who should know the answer to this? Me. I’m a Jew. But barely.

Jeff: A lonely Jew. On Mellowmas.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! I walked right into that one!

I can’t be merry!
Barry’s song blew!
On Mellllooowmassssss!