Well, look at you! You’ve returned for Day Two of Mellowmas, even though you woke up at 3 AM with “Mellowmas, Mellowmas, have a very Mellowmas” running through your head! Color us impressed. But seriously, folks: now it’s time to get to the true crap of the season. In terms of bad music, Mellowmas really begins today!

Barry Manilow – Because It’s Christmas (For All The Children) (Excerpt from Händel’s Messiah (“For Unto Us A Child Is Born…”)) (download)

From Because It’s Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jeff: Plaintive!

Jason: Clarinet-y!

Jeff: You can really see Barry sitting by the fire. In the Turkish bath.

Jason: Ornaments hanging from his nose. Oh shit! Strings, muthafucka!

Jeff: Wow, this is classy.

Jason: I’m nervous that he hasn’t started singing yet, though.

Jeff: I wasn’t expecting all this class from Barry.

Jason: Oh, here he is!

Jeff: Unto us! A son is given!

Jason: Uh, is that a lot of echo or is it just on my end? “Unto us! A son is given!” again? I GET IT!

Jeff: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooorn

Jason: Piano interlude!

Jeff: I have to say, again, this sounds nothing like what I was expecting.

Jason: What were you expecting?

Jeff: Schmaltz, of course.

Jason: Well, good news: here it is!

Jeff: Oh boy.

Jason: “Tonight the stars shine for the children!” It’s what you were waiting for! Dreams are flying!

Jeff: Tonight our love comes wrapped in ribbons? What?

Jason: Hopes are high. Don’t be cynical. Barry is telling it like it is. A child appears at the window?

Jeff: A child has appeared, and he’s searching the sky.

Jason: Let him in! He’s fucking freezing!

Jeff: I’m not sure Barry knows what Christmas is. He sure does know how to set a synth for “tinkly piano-type sound,” though.

Jason: I’m just picturing Barry singing this inside, by the fire, and a bunch of kids are outside with frostbite. It’s Christmas, for now and forever!

Jeff: I’m picturing Barry praying to a young alien baby who scans the night sky for used Bette Midler LPs.

Jason: I don’t think Barry understands: Christmas is December 25th.

Jeff: Gear shift! Our first gear shift of the season!

Jason: Uh oh…I have a bad feeling that kids are going to start singing soon. And there they are! Singing in the background!

Jeff: Behind Barry’s tender blessings!

Jason: In the bathhouse!

Jeff: Oh BOY is this over the top.

Jason: Seriously. Barry’s standing on the rooftop now. Still not letting the kids in.

Jeff: Christmas, now and FOREVER, for all the CHILDREN, and the CHILDREN IN US ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Jason: Cue the synth horns! Meanwhile, the kids are STILL freezing outside.

Jeff: I’m imagining Barry standing with his arms out wide.

Jason: Let ’em in, Barry!

Jeff: And he’s wearing the blue unitard from his Barry Manilow Live album.

Jason: Ha ha ha! He’s probably freezing too!

Jeff: You can tell?

Jason: I never thought I’d feel sorry for Barry Manilow’s nipples. But here we are.

Wow, that song was really…

really…

…big.

Jeff: Really.

Jason: Hey, did you know Barry has another Christmas album?

Jeff: I did, but this one was released in the ’80s, so I thought it would be a better place to start. And it looks like I was right!

Jason: And by “better,” you mean “unbelievably awful.”

Jeff: I’m still kind of disappointed. I mean, I’d like to hear, you know, “Copacabana” with words about Hanukkah. Speaking of which, what the fuck is Barry Manilow doing singing about Christmas anyway?

Jason: Y’know, I was wondering about that. I mean, he couldn’t do ONE Hanukkah song? Just one?

Jeff: Why do we have to suffer through crappy holiday music from a sellout Jew every year?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: I think Barry could totally rock “The Dreidel Song.”

Jason: I was hoping he’d sing “Blitzen” to the tune of “Mandy.”

Jeff: It’s a DREEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIDEL…I made it out of CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY…

Jason: FOR THE CHIIIIIILDRENNNNN

Jeff: Yes!

Jason: Dreidel for the Children! Barry’s inside, by the fireplace, spinning a dreidel. Lighting the menorah. And the kids? Still outside freezing. Let us into the bathhouse, Barry!

Jeff: I think the kids have busted into his liquor cabinet and are getting shvitzed on Manieschevitz.

Jason: I think shvitz means sweaty.

Jeff: Hmm. Plotzed? It has to end in -zed.

Jason: You know who should know the answer to this? Me. I’m a Jew. But barely.

Jeff: A lonely Jew. On Mellowmas.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! I walked right into that one!

I can’t be merry!
Barry’s song blew!
On Mellllooowmassssss!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

View All Articles