The Seventeenth Day of Mellowmas: Mellowmas EVƎ

Jason: Oh, good. Another “A Very Special Christmas” compilation. When the hell are they going to stop making these?

Jeff: Never, I hope. What will we do for material?

Jason: And the scary thing is, today’s track comes from #5, from 2001! We covered #7 last year!

Jeff: 2001, you say? Why, it must contain some of our most unfavorite bands from the late ’90s!

Jason: Anybody else remember when the phrase “very special” meant something? Because A Very Special Christmas 5 includes artists such as City High, Powder and SR-71. Or as I like to call them, Who? Who?? and Who the Fuck???

Jeff: I remember SR-71, but I swear on your mother’s ass I’ve never heard of the other two.

Jason: I actually remember City High. If you heard their hit single, “What Would You Do?” you’d remember it.

Jeff: I will not hear their hit single, “What Would You Do?”

Jason: I see that B.B. King and John Popper cover “Back Door Santa,” which is just disgusting. The Last Two People On Earth I Want To Hear Making Sexual Innuendos To Anal Sex.

Jeff: I think one of John Popper’s Back Door Santas once ruptured a sewer main. harmonica solo

Jeff: wipes tear from eye Ahhh. I hate you, John Popper.

Jason: …and there’s your Facebook quote for the day, friends! But we are not covering any of these artists today.

Jeff: Yeah, I kind of figured.

Jason: No, today we are covering Eve 6.

Jeff: What the hell is an Eve 6? Wait, I just looked it up.

Jason: Then you probably know they are sometimes known as EVƎ 6.

Jeff: Whoa. How did you do that? That was more interesting than all of Eve 6′s songs put together.

Jason: Ancient secret called Cut and Paste From Wikipedia.

Jeff: Here’s the sum total of my Eve 6 knowledge. Are you ready?

Jason: Ready.

Jeff: 1. They took their name from an “X-Files” episode, which automatically makes them assholes.

2. They had their second and last hit with “Here’s to the Night,” an annoying graduation anthem that I’m willing to bet was released right around the time Vitamin C briefly extended HER shitty career with HER annoying graduation anthem.

Jason: I actually have Eve 6 knowledge. I own two of their albums. I actually think they’re pretty good. I have always liked “Inside Out” enough that, despite its popularity, I always like hearing it. My band does a cover of it. I like their song “Promise,” too, even though it’s the exact same song as “Inside Out.”

Jeff: 3. My favorite part: “Eve 6 played their final show together on July 15, 2004 in front of a tiny crowd under the Gateway Arch in St. Louis.” Wait, how are there more than two Eve 6 albums?

Jason: Beats me. I have two. I don’t know which two, but I do listen to them from time to time. They’re a bit too clever for their own good sometimes, but they do have talent. However, like you, I hate that fucking “Here’s to the Night.”

Jeff: I love that the ’90s started with Kurt Cobain wearing a t-shirt that said “CORPORATE ROCK SUCKS,” and ended with Eve 6, Stroke 9, and Three Doors Down.

Jason: No, Jeff. The ’90s started with two dashingly handsome and not-yet-pudgy twins named Matthew and Gunnar. But we’re getting off-topic here.

Jeff: We MOST CERTAINLY ARE.

Jason: The point is, I like Eve 6, and I am looking forward to hearing their take on a Christmas song.

Jeff: I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.

Jason: Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

Jeff: Also, now I have Nelson’s “Love and Affection” stuck in my head. When do I get to die?

Jason: If you want to die now, that’s fine with me. Less Mellowmas for us to cover. I get to see my wife again.

Jeff: I’m not letting you off the hook that easily, you Eve 6-loving son of a bitch. I’m rolling up my sleeves. Let’s do this. What did Eve 6 do for A Very Special Christmas? Please let it be “The 6 Days of Christmas.”

Jason: Come on, Eve 6! Let’s show Jeff what you got! Give ‘em a little…wait, what the hell is “Noel! Noel!” ? I don’t think I know that song. Oh well. No matter.

Jeff: I think Noel is the president of the Eve 6 fan club.

Jason: Rock it, EVƎ 6! Ready?

Jeff: sigh Ready.


Eve 6 – Noel! Noel!

Jason: Go! Uh….

Jeff: THE FIRST NOEL, THE ANGELS DID SAY

Jason: Um…

Jeff: I WANTED TO KICK, THE LEAD SINGER OF EVE 6 IN THE TEETH. NOEL! NOEL! I HATE EVE 6

Jason: Well….
You see, they…

Jeff: BORN IS MY FIST IN EVE 6′S FUCKING FACE. BDDDDDDRDDDDDDDDDDDDDRRRRRRR

Jason: I…

Jeff: I’m going to sleep. This is bullshit. Screw you and your phony rock ‘n’ roll, Eve 6.

Jason: Okay.

Jeff: I hope you Noel off a cliff.

Jason: I, uh, have no idea who this is. This is not the Eve 6 I remember.

Jeff: I can help you. I know what this is: This is stupid.

Jason: Yeah, I know what it is too. You want to know?

Jeff: Self-indulgent nonsense from a band that will never earn the right to record it?

Jason: THIS IS TƎRRIBLƎ

Jeff: Yes! Yes, exactly!

Jason: That has GOT to be fake crowd noise at the end, right?

Jeff: Jesus, how hard up must the Very Special Christmas folks have been to take this? I mean…even in 2001, how far down the Rolodex do you have to go before you’re calling Eve 6?

Jason: It had to be fake crowd noise. If it had been real, we would have heard glass bottles hitting the stage.

Jeff: “Hey, Jerry, the Spin Doctors changed their number. What do I do?”

Jason: Maybe this is why they broke up. Maybe people demanded their money back.

Jeff: I hope you’re ashamed of yourself for owning two Eve 6 albums.

Jason: I’m not. I stand by those albums. But this sucks bigtime.

Jeff: And on so many levels, too. Such as: the phony British accent.

Jason: We didn’t even talk about the “I like Christmas!” part they wrote in.

Jeff: I was just about to list that under the “parts that suck bigtime” part of the program. Along with the BDDDDDDDDRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDRRR.

Jason: I liked that noise. It reminded me of your mother’s motorboat game. Just with less resonance.

Jeff: I told her to stop doing that with your thighs. It isn’t your fault you have a thyroid problem.

Jason: Well, congrats, Eve 6. I’m no longer a fan.

Jeff: FINALLY.

Jason: You decided to sound drunk and obnoxious on a Christmas album, which would have been barely acceptable if you had displayed any talent on the recording.

Jeff: Now if we can only do something about this Richard Marx problem…

Jason: Funny you say that. I was going to say before that I had hoped “Here’s to the Night” was actually a re-worked cover of “Hold On to the Nights.”

Jeff: “Hold On to the Night Before Christmas.”

Jason: “Right Here Waiting For the Man With The Bag.”

Jeff: “Kwanzaa Don’t Mean Nothing.”

Jason: “Angelia Claus.”

Jeff: “Right Here Waiting for the Stuff on My Christmas List.”

Jason: Wow, this conversation took a surprising left turn. You will do anything not to talk about Eve 6 anymore.

Jeff: Anything except listen to more Eve 6.

Jason: HAPPY MƎLLOWMAS!

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  • Anonymous

    “Endless Summer Nights Mean You Never Get Around to Christmas, Hence No Crap EVƎ 6 Covers”.

  • http://mostlymodernmedia.wordpress.com Beau

    I like “Inside Out,” too, and I was so relieved to hear rock after all the synths, hyperorchestrated mush and Annie Lennox scary noise that I actually kind of enjoyed this.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    I don’t think you know what you’re saying, Beau.

  • http://www.facebook.com/mburke77 Michael Burke

    That is a Billie Joe Armstrong approved fake British accent, right there.

    Jason is right, the part they added is what puts it over the top. “I like Xmas, Xmas is fun. I like Xmas, Do you?” Really, Eve 6? Really?

  • http://twitter.com/dwalsh76 Dan Walsh

    I didn’t hate Eve 6 until I heard that. Terrible, just terrible.

  • http://jackfear.blogspot.com Jack Feerick

    From the opening moments — “Cer’ain poor shepherds,” Jesus wept people who swallow their T’s just grate on me, even if ESPECIALLY IF it’s done fakely for a laaaarf — I knew this was going to be rough sledding. How much rougher it would get, I could not know. BBBBBBBDDDDDDDDDRRRRRRR!

    Its only saving mercy is that it is relatively short, and it could easily be improved simply by making it much, much shorter. Like, zero seconds.

  • http://www.bullz-eye.com Anonymous

    I had zero use for this band to begin with, and I have even less use for them now. Ugh, that was terrible.

  • http://www.wingsforwheels.net dslifton

    This song filled me with sadness.

  • Anonymous

    I remember City High and SR-71 (they were actually responisble for that terrible 1985 song, which Bowling For Soup coverred), but Powder seems to be the odd one out. At first I thought it might have been a typo for Powderfinger or that the pasty white with psychic powers had himself a short lived music career. But apaprently their debut album got 4/5 stars on Allmusic, so it has to be good!

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    I’ll beat Jason to the Allmusic four-star debut album joke: http://allmusic.com/album/paris-r849288

  • http://www.theseconddisc.com Mike Duquette

    True story: I sort of broke a story for my college paper that the campus radio station had tried to get Eve 6 to play a concert on campus, but it never happened for a number of reasons. I’m now more fortunate than ever that it did not happen. B-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D!

  • Scott in StL

    “l like Christmas. Christmas is fun.”

    Wrong, Eve 6. I LIKED Christmas, Christmas WAS fun. Then you recorded this, and Mellowmas got me to listen to it.

  • http://www.wingsforwheels.net dslifton

    Welcome back to putting the Mellowmas hate where it belongs, on the music…

  • http://www.wingsforwheels.net dslifton

    Welcome back to putting the Mellowmas hate where it belongs, on the music…

  • nmstar

    Wow…not only was that terrible but now “Don’t Mean Nothin” is going through my head. I’m sad

  • Anonymous

    yeah, that’s pretty bad… i accidentially ran across another jewel in my collection… have you heard Prince’s “Another Lonely Christmas”? Christmas songs should not be sad. i classify this one as truely awful.

  • http://www.popdose.com Ted

    How fast did both of you wipe this off your hard drive after listening to it?

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    I can’t speak for Jason, but for me, it was fairly immediate.

  • http://www.jasonhare.com Anonymous

    Frighteningly enough, I kept it and listened to the rest of the album.

  • http://www.popdose.com Ted

    Jesus. H. Christ.

  • http://digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/best_songs-Power-Pop.html Brett Alan

    I had no idea there was an earlier version of “1985″. I kind of collect original versions of songs that became hits for someone else, so thanks for that. (You’d be shocked how many 60s-70s era hits were done by someone obscure first, but it doesn’t happen as often nowadays.)