mellowmas2010

Jason: Jeff, have you ever heard of Kay Martin?

Jeff: Nope! End of chat.

Jason: Aw, don’t go so quickly. Maybe this is a good story that doesn’t lead at all to a Mellowmas track.

Jeff: raises one eyebrow

Jason: According to Wikipedia, “Kay Martin was a hotelier and ex-model, nightclub entertainer, and ‘party album’ singer, who owned the Kay Martin Lodge in Reno, Nevada.”

Jeff: This person sounds like a born Mellowmas artist.

Jason: I know her mainly due to her album I Know What He Wants For Christmas… But I Don’t Know How To Wrap It!.

martin, kay - A

Jeff: Really? You’ve listened to this album?

Jason: According to my iTunes library, I have four of the tracks, although I can only remember one called “I Want a Casting Couch for Christmas.”

Jeff: Looking at the cover, I understand what happened here. Your dad had several copies of this lying around the house, didn’t he?

Jason: It’s certainly possible. Wedged in between his Starland Vocal Band albums, as he knew nobody would ever, ever look there.

Jeff: “Hang Your Balls On The Xmas Tree.”

“Santa’s Doing The Horizontal Twist.”

Jason: As Wikipedia says, “The songs ranged from covers of traditional songs to double entendre and jokey banter.” My point is this: you’d think that there’d be no more room for cheeky, burlesque-y double entendre in Christmas music, right?

Jeff: Oh no.

Jason: Because just for the record, if you thought that, you’d be really, really wrong.

Jeff: I would like to change the subject if possible.

Jason: You and I both know that this is, in fact, not possible.

Jeff: weeps

Jason: Jeff, I’d like you to meet Keeli.

Jeff: I don’t WANT to meet Keeli.

Who is Keeli?

Jason: Beats the crap out of me. I haven’t Googled her, which was a purposeful move.

Jeff: I will gladly follow suit.

Jason: All I know is that this Christmas, she’s got something for us. But I guess it’s more about what she doesn’t have for us.

Jeff: Oh, goddammit.

Jason: She’s got Nothing But Bows, Jeff.

Jeff: Is this like that one track from the woman who was stuffed under the tree with pine needles between her teeth?

Jason: And I’m hoping when she says “bows,” she means like the ones you take at the end of a performance. But I’m almost positive that is not what she means.

Would you like to find out for sure?

Jeff: Can I strangle you with the bows after this is finished? Because that directly affects my answer.

Jason: It was actually a rhetorical question.

Keeli – Nothing But Bows (download)

Launch Your Library

Jason: Cheeky piano opening!

She’s got her black lace stockings. Red velvet suit. And her shiny silver knee-high boots! HOW CAN THIS GO WRONG

Jeff: I picture Keeli singing every line with one finger poking into her cheek.

Jason: YES.

Santa’s going to like what he finds, Jeff.

Jeff: This is so, so, so gross. That voice! “Ho, ho, ho!”

Jason: Oh, hey. Turns out she’s not talking about the bows you take at the end of a performance.

Jeff: Oh GAWD

Jason: She’s going to twirl her fingers in his snow white beard…
retch

She’s waiting nekkid for Santa, Jeff.

Jeff: She’ll put a…twinkle…in his eye.

Ho, ho, ho.

Next year Santa might come twice! AAAAAAAUGH

Jason: UGH DID YOU JUST HEAR THE LINE ABOUT…oh yes you did.

Jeff: This is utterly disgusting.

Jason: That Santa laugh is getting more and more upsetting.

“I love you, Santa.”

Jeff: The worst part, for the record, is the vocal. That cutesy voice she uses.

Jason: I wonder if her producer heard the first take and was like “…good attempt, Keeli, but it needs like 85% more squeaking.” Also, I’ll bet you $100 she took off all her clothes to record this take.

Jeff: It reminds me of that cover of “Nuttin’ for Christmas” we listened to a few years ago, or that version of “Santa Baby” recorded by the little girl. I would rather listen to any version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

Jason: Aw, come ON, Jeff! I had blocked those out of my mind!

Jeff: SO HAD I.

Jason: Well, thanks for this, Keeli. I’m still not Googling you. I refuse. Because I’m almost positive I know what she’s wearing on her website.

Jeff: You know what? I tried looking for her and came up empty.

Jason: IT’S OUR MELLOWMAS MIRACLE!

Jeff: But she does appear to have an entire album of originals available for purchase.

Jason: JEFF DON’T

Tagged in:

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

View All Articles