The Seventeenth Day of Mellowmas: This Really Bows

Written by Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2015, Music

Keeli is trying too hard for Mellowmas, or possibly actually not trying hard enough


Jason: Jeff, have you ever heard of Kay Martin?

Jeff: Nope! End of chat.

Jason: Aw, don’t go so quickly. Maybe this is a good story that doesn’t lead at all to a Mellowmas track.

Jeff: raises one eyebrow

Jason: According to Wikipedia, “Kay Martin was a hotelier and ex-model, nightclub entertainer, and ‘party album’ singer, who owned the Kay Martin Lodge in Reno, Nevada.”

Jeff: This person sounds like a born Mellowmas artist.

Jason: I know her mainly due to her album I Know What He Wants For Christmas… But I Don’t Know How To Wrap It!.

martin, kay - A

Jeff: Really? You’ve listened to this album?

Jason: According to my iTunes library, I have four of the tracks, although I can only remember one called “I Want a Casting Couch for Christmas.”

Jeff: Looking at the cover, I understand what happened here. Your dad had several copies of this lying around the house, didn’t he?

Jason: It’s certainly possible. Wedged in between his Starland Vocal Band albums, as he knew nobody would ever, ever look there.

Jeff: “Hang Your Balls On The Xmas Tree.”

“Santa’s Doing The Horizontal Twist.”

Jason: As Wikipedia says, “The songs ranged from covers of traditional songs to double entendre and jokey banter.” My point is this: you’d think that there’d be no more room for cheeky, burlesque-y double entendre in Christmas music, right?

Jeff: Oh no.

Jason: Because just for the record, if you thought that, you’d be really, really wrong.

Jeff: I would like to change the subject if possible.

Jason: You and I both know that this is, in fact, not possible.

Jeff: weeps

Jason: Jeff, I’d like you to meet Keeli.

Jeff: I don’t WANT to meet Keeli.

Who is Keeli?

Jason: Beats the crap out of me. I haven’t Googled her, which was a purposeful move.

Jeff: I will gladly follow suit.

Jason: All I know is that this Christmas, she’s got something for us. But I guess it’s more about what she doesn’t have for us.

Jeff: Oh, goddammit.

Jason: She’s got Nothing But Bows, Jeff.

Jeff: Is this like that one track from the woman who was stuffed under the tree with pine needles between her teeth?

Jason: And I’m hoping when she says “bows,” she means like the ones you take at the end of a performance. But I’m almost positive that is not what she means.

Would you like to find out for sure?

Jeff: Can I strangle you with the bows after this is finished? Because that directly affects my answer.

Jason: It was actually a rhetorical question.

Keeli – Nothing But Bows (download)

Launch Your Library

Jason: Cheeky piano opening!

She’s got her black lace stockings. Red velvet suit. And her shiny silver knee-high boots! HOW CAN THIS GO WRONG

Jeff: I picture Keeli singing every line with one finger poking into her cheek.

Jason: YES.

Santa’s going to like what he finds, Jeff.

Jeff: This is so, so, so gross. That voice! “Ho, ho, ho!”

Jason: Oh, hey. Turns out she’s not talking about the bows you take at the end of a performance.

Jeff: Oh GAWD

Jason: She’s going to twirl her fingers in his snow white beard…

She’s waiting nekkid for Santa, Jeff.

Jeff: She’ll put a…twinkle…in his eye.

Ho, ho, ho.

Next year Santa might come twice! AAAAAAAUGH


Jeff: This is utterly disgusting.

Jason: That Santa laugh is getting more and more upsetting.

“I love you, Santa.”

Jeff: The worst part, for the record, is the vocal. That cutesy voice she uses.

Jason: I wonder if her producer heard the first take and was like “…good attempt, Keeli, but it needs like 85% more squeaking.” Also, I’ll bet you $100 she took off all her clothes to record this take.

Jeff: It reminds me of that cover of “Nuttin’ for Christmas” we listened to a few years ago, or that version of “Santa Baby” recorded by the little girl. I would rather listen to any version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

Jason: Aw, come ON, Jeff! I had blocked those out of my mind!

Jeff: SO HAD I.

Jason: Well, thanks for this, Keeli. I’m still not Googling you. I refuse. Because I’m almost positive I know what she’s wearing on her website.

Jeff: You know what? I tried looking for her and came up empty.


Jeff: But she does appear to have an entire album of originals available for purchase.