The Sixteenth Day of Mellowmas: Dion, Foster, Crosby, Welk and The Brown Note
Day Sixteen of Mellowmas is an odd day. Somehow, I wound up defending Celine Dion. I think it’s exhaustion.
Jeff: I hate this already.
Jason: Oh, come on. You can’t hate it already.
Jeff: Oh, but I do.
Jason: There’s nothing Celiney about it. Just an orchestra. Oh, there she is.
I wonder if she did her vocals while hanging upside down from her perch?
Jason: You know, I totally thought she was awesome on “Voices That Care.”
Jeff: I know you did.
Jason: I was like, “who IS she? She’s AMAZING!”
Jeff: That still troubles me.
Jason: “She’s gonna be HUGE! Like, her own show in Vegas huge!”
Jeff: Oh, so it’s YOUR fault!
Jason: “Like, marrying her grandfather manager huge!”
Jeff: You couldn’t help it. You’re from Long Island. This kind of shit is in your blood.
Jason: You know, you can hate it. I don’t like it either, but you have to admit she has a pretty voice. She also has good use of dynamics.
Jeff: I don’t have to admit anything of the kind.
Jason: What I think is interesting is the fact that she just craps this stuff out. You think she really gets behind this stuff? No way. She just farts and out comes a beautiful vocal.
Jeff: I think she eats babies, personally.
Jason: That being said, I feel like nobody should ever do this song except for Nat King Cole. You hear me, Natalie?
Jeff: I feel the same way about pretty much every song Celine Dion performs.
Jason: Ahhh, instrumental. Wanna slow dance? You know you want to slow dance.
Jeff: Only if we do it by the door.
Jason: Come on. I’ll even let you lead.
Jeff: I want to get the fuck out when she starts singing again. Or throw the fire extinguisher at her.
Jason: Put your head on my shoulder, you big lug.
Jason: There she is! I don’t hate it. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it. It’s just…Celine. It’s Celiney.
Jeff: You’re ill.
Jason: I’m totally ill.
Jeff: It’s terrible.
Jason: I’m just being honest.
Jeff: I’d rather listen to Bing Crosby raping Lawrence Welk.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Do you have that track??
Jeff: Done at last! God! That felt like it lasted for fifteen minutes!
Jason: Yeah, I’ll agree there. It did seem quite long. Can we listen to Bing Crosby raping Lawrence Welk next?
Jeff: Another fucking David Foster production, by the way.
Jason: David Foster hates us.
Jeff: David Foster is a walking Brown Note.
Jason: That being said, if David Foster called me tomorrow and was like, “Jason, I want to record a song with you,” I’d totally do it.
Jeff: Oh, totally.
Jason: Well, first I’d be like, “how the fuck did you get my number?” Then I’d be like, “are you knee deep in Peter Cetera right now?” Then I’d giggle a bunch.
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Jason: Then I’d be like, “yes sir, David Foster. Whatever you like, sir, David Foster.”
Jeff: “Is Fee Waybill mowing your lawn right now?”
Jason: “Can I have a million dollars, David Foster?”
Jeff: “Is All-4-One cleaning your pool?”
Jason: All-4-One probably IS cleaning his pool.