Day Sixteen of Mellowmas is an odd day. Somehow, I wound up defending Celine Dion. I think it’s exhaustion.

Celine Dion – The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Blah Blah Blah) (download or stream below)
From These Are Special Times Amazon iTunes


[audio: Dion – The Christmas Song.mp3]

Jeff: I hate this already.

Jason: Oh, come on. You can’t hate it already.

Jeff: Oh, but I do.

Jason: There’s nothing Celiney about it. Just an orchestra. Oh, there she is.

I wonder if she did her vocals while hanging upside down from her perch?

Jason: You know, I totally thought she was awesome on “Voices That Care.”

Jeff: I know you did.

Jason: I was like, “who IS she? She’s AMAZING!”

Jeff: That still troubles me.

Jason: “She’s gonna be HUGE! Like, her own show in Vegas huge!”

Jeff: Oh, so it’s YOUR fault!

Jason: “Like, marrying her grandfather manager huge!”

Jeff: You couldn’t help it. You’re from Long Island. This kind of shit is in your blood.

Jason: You know, you can hate it. I don’t like it either, but you have to admit she has a pretty voice. She also has good use of dynamics.

Jeff: I don’t have to admit anything of the kind.

Jason: What I think is interesting is the fact that she just craps this stuff out. You think she really gets behind this stuff? No way. She just farts and out comes a beautiful vocal.

Jeff: I think she eats babies, personally.

Jason: That being said, I feel like nobody should ever do this song except for Nat King Cole. You hear me, Natalie?

Jeff: I feel the same way about pretty much every song Celine Dion performs.

Jason: Ahhh, instrumental. Wanna slow dance? You know you want to slow dance.

Jeff: Only if we do it by the door.

Jason: Come on. I’ll even let you lead.

Jeff: I want to get the fuck out when she starts singing again. Or throw the fire extinguisher at her.

Jason: Put your head on my shoulder, you big lug.


Jason: There she is! I don’t hate it. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it. It’s just…Celine. It’s Celiney.

Jeff: You’re ill.

Jason: I’m totally ill.

Jeff: It’s terrible.

Jason: I’m just being honest.

Jeff: I’d rather listen to Bing Crosby raping Lawrence Welk.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Do you have that track??

Jeff: Done at last! God! That felt like it lasted for fifteen minutes!

Jason: Yeah, I’ll agree there. It did seem quite long. Can we listen to Bing Crosby raping Lawrence Welk next?

Jeff: Another fucking David Foster production, by the way.

Jason: David Foster hates us.

Jeff: David Foster is a walking Brown Note.

Jason: That being said, if David Foster called me tomorrow and was like, “Jason, I want to record a song with you,” I’d totally do it.

Jeff: Oh, totally.

Jason: Well, first I’d be like, “how the fuck did you get my number?” Then I’d be like, “are you knee deep in Peter Cetera right now?” Then I’d giggle a bunch.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Then I’d be like, “yes sir, David Foster. Whatever you like, sir, David Foster.”

Jeff: “Is Fee Waybill mowing your lawn right now?”

Jason: “Can I have a million dollars, David Foster?”

Jeff: “Is All-4-One cleaning your pool?”

Jason: All-4-One probably IS cleaning his pool.