The Sixteenth Day of Mellowmas: Dion, Foster, Crosby, Welk and The Brown Note


Day Sixteen of Mellowmas is an odd day. Somehow, I wound up defending Celine Dion. I think it’s exhaustion.

Celine Dion – The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Blah Blah Blah) (download or stream below)
From These Are Special Times Amazon iTunes



Jeff: I hate this already.

Jason: Oh, come on. You can’t hate it already.

Jeff: Oh, but I do.

Jason: There’s nothing Celiney about it. Just an orchestra. Oh, there she is.

I wonder if she did her vocals while hanging upside down from her perch?

Jason: You know, I totally thought she was awesome on “Voices That Care.”

Jeff: I know you did.

Jason: I was like, “who IS she? She’s AMAZING!”

Jeff: That still troubles me.

Jason: “She’s gonna be HUGE! Like, her own show in Vegas huge!”

Jeff: Oh, so it’s YOUR fault!

Jason: “Like, marrying her grandfather manager huge!”

Jeff: You couldn’t help it. You’re from Long Island. This kind of shit is in your blood.

Jason: You know, you can hate it. I don’t like it either, but you have to admit she has a pretty voice. She also has good use of dynamics.

Jeff: I don’t have to admit anything of the kind.

Jason: What I think is interesting is the fact that she just craps this stuff out. You think she really gets behind this stuff? No way. She just farts and out comes a beautiful vocal.

Jeff: I think she eats babies, personally.

Jason: That being said, I feel like nobody should ever do this song except for Nat King Cole. You hear me, Natalie?

Jeff: I feel the same way about pretty much every song Celine Dion performs.

Jason: Ahhh, instrumental. Wanna slow dance? You know you want to slow dance.

Jeff: Only if we do it by the door.

Jason: Come on. I’ll even let you lead.

Jeff: I want to get the fuck out when she starts singing again. Or throw the fire extinguisher at her.

Jason: Put your head on my shoulder, you big lug.


Jason: There she is! I don’t hate it. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it. It’s just…Celine. It’s Celiney.

Jeff: You’re ill.

Jason: I’m totally ill.

Jeff: It’s terrible.

Jason: I’m just being honest.

Jeff: I’d rather listen to Bing Crosby raping Lawrence Welk.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Do you have that track??

Jeff: Done at last! God! That felt like it lasted for fifteen minutes!

Jason: Yeah, I’ll agree there. It did seem quite long. Can we listen to Bing Crosby raping Lawrence Welk next?

Jeff: Another fucking David Foster production, by the way.

Jason: David Foster hates us.

Jeff: David Foster is a walking Brown Note.

Jason: That being said, if David Foster called me tomorrow and was like, “Jason, I want to record a song with you,” I’d totally do it.

Jeff: Oh, totally.

Jason: Well, first I’d be like, “how the fuck did you get my number?” Then I’d be like, “are you knee deep in Peter Cetera right now?” Then I’d giggle a bunch.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Then I’d be like, “yes sir, David Foster. Whatever you like, sir, David Foster.”

Jeff: “Is Fee Waybill mowing your lawn right now?”

Jason: “Can I have a million dollars, David Foster?”

Jeff: “Is All-4-One cleaning your pool?”

Jason: All-4-One probably IS cleaning his pool.

  • Dan

    This is one of my favorite tunes, seasonal or no. I just couldn’t bring myself to listen to Celine doing it. Sorry guys. I’ll catch you tomorrow.

    Also, Nat “King” Cole did justice to it, but there’ll never be a recording of it like the original Mel Torme from 1945. Nat recorded it for release the following year and, as a higher-stature performer, ended up being popularly credited with the definitive cut. But there’s nobody quite like Mel, IMO.

  • Dan

    Wow, you know what, Wikipedia shows me I’m entirely wrong about the Christmas Song timeline. Cole recorded it first in ’46, and Mel didn’t come along with a recording of it until ’53. I still like Mel’s version better, though.

    Incidentally, here’s an AWESOME story about a group of carollers singing The Christmas Song TO Mel Torme at the Los Angeles farmer’s market:

  • Eric Lund

    Aargh! The vibrato! There are songs that call for vibrato. This isn’t one of them.

  • Old Davy

    Some people shake their presents trying to guess what’s inside. DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME WITH CELINE DION. YOU WILL LOSE. Just look at the album cover. With that nose, Celine can TOTALLY guess what’s in any Christmas package, no matter how much wrapping paper is on it.

  • Jason

    Dan, that’s a great story. My definitive version is Nat King Cole’s, but I think we probably agree that this is one of those Christmas songs that simply never needs covering.

  • EightE1

    I think Celine’s perch is right next to Josh Groban’s isn’t it?

    Still waiting for the Crosby/Welk “duet.”


  • Beau

    There’s a common theme in a lot of the music I like, particularly when comparing versions. Say, Dire Straits’ masterful original of “Romeo and Juliet” vs. the unlistenable Indigo Girls version.

    What’s the word I’m looking for? Oh yes …


    Let the bloody song have a chance, folks. That means you, Mr. Bolton. That means you, Mrs. Dion-Angelil.

  • Dw. Dunphy

    Don’t pick on Celine. If we ever run out of ammo, he promised us we could drop him on Baghdad. That’s gotta count for something.

    If you absolutely have to pick on him, do so for this really bad attempt at “sexy”. All the Revlon and falsies in the world can’t make him a woman…

  • David

    My kids and I play this game at dinner where we take turns telling each other one new thing we learned that day. Has to be something we never knew.

    I have twenty one hours to replace “brown note,” or I’m screwed.

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