The Sixth Day of Mellowmas: Dick’s What You’re Gettin’ for Mellowmas

Written by Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2012, Music

Because nothing says the holidays like a teen idol, a comically oversized bow, and line after line of dick jokes

Bobby Sherman, "Christmas Album"

Jason: You know, I walked down past my drugstore today, and I realized that Christmas decorations have been in the window for about three months now. Whatever happened to this season, Jeff? I swear I remember a time when Christmas decorations started around Thanksgiving, not the day after Halloween.

Jeff: This is what you’re complaining about this time of year? I had the most wonderful dream last night — I dreamed I was walking down a city street on a gray, rainy February afternoon, and I got splashed with dirty street water by a truck as it drove by. And then I woke up and it was still fucking Mellowmas.

Jason: It’s only the sixth day, to be exact!

Jeff: But I do understand what you’re talking about. It’s easy to feel nostalgic for a simpler, more innocent time during the holiday season. A time like, say, the 1970s.

Jason: Yes. Everything is about cashing in these days.

Jeff: Hey, speaking of cashing in and the 1970s.

Jason: Didn’t we do this yesterday?

Jeff: You seemed to enjoy it so much, I decided we should stay in the decade!

Jason: Haven’t we O’Sullivaned these poor readers enough?

Jeff: The decade when a teen idol could stick his face inside a wreath and girls would swoon!

Jason: Is “wreath” a euphemism?

Jeff: The decade when a man could sing a jaunty pop tune about not getting his girlfriend a goddamn thing for Christmas!

Jason: Oh, you clearly meant an actual wreath. Are we listening to Ron Dante again?

Bobby Sherman, "Christmas Album"

Jeff: Well, it’s sort of a chintzy painting of a wreath. Today we’re listening to former teen sensation Bobby Sherman.

Jason: Bobby Sherman!

Jeff: Bobby Sherman.

Jason: Poor Bobby Sherman! Died on Leap Day this year!

Jeff: Oh, shit! Really? I had no idea. At least we’re talking about someone who’s actually dead this time.

Jason: Oh, wait. Hang on. That was Davy Jones.

Jeff: I was just going to say, didn’t another Mellowmas artist die this year? And then I remembered it was Davy. Poor Monkee Hole, singing in the Mellowmas choir with Dan Fogelberg.

Jason: You know how you know Davy Jones was a dick? It took him dying to get Mike Nesmith to re-join the band. Bring us your worst, Monkees fans! And New Monkees fans!

Jeff: Monkees fans bring “Pool It”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Well, now that we’ve insulted everyone, I guess it’s time for the final insult: Bobby Sherman’s “Love’s What You’re Gettin’ for Christmas.”

Jason: I love this album cover. The bow looks like a grotesque bow tie.

Jeff: It does, doesn’t it? I love everything about the cover, especially the title. It’s all so perfectly descriptive.

Jason: I’d expect that bow tie on The Berry Vest of Bobby Sherman, not this album.

Jeff: It’s like the designer went, “Bobby Sherman, Christmas Album? Fine, fuck you.”

Jason: So what do you think, pal? Are our readers gettin’ love for Christmas?

Jeff: Oh, they’re gettin’ it, all right.

Bobby Sherman, “Love’s What You’re Gettin’ for Christmas” (download)

Jason: Jangly!


Jason: Oh dear god.

Jeff: Yep.

Jason: Now I understand the oversized bow.

Jeff: Bobby Sherman is singing about his dick, and how to get it under your tree Christmas morning.

Jason: Wow, this song is SO MUCH BETTER when you look at it from that perspective.

Jeff: Right? “I didn’t get you anything! Let’s do it.”

Jason: Christmas morning you’ll see!

Dick! From me to you!

Dick! Our whole life through!

Jeff: There’s no Christmas wrappin’ for it!

Jason: “I got a way to send love!”

Jeff: It’s a beautiful present of love wrapped up in him, Jason.

Jason: “A beautiful present of dick wrapped up in me!” Wait, that’s weird.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Dance break! These poor session musicians.

Jeff: Isn’t this great? I love the unapologetic shittiness of it.

Jason: That song was missing a final “Bum!” at the end.

Jeff: The whole thing is Mellowmas terrible.

Jason: I’m just imagining the drummer — it was probably Hal Blaine.

Jeff: Getting triple scale to tap his way through this piece of shit on a hot July afternoon.

Jason: The Dicking Crew.

Jeff: “Hey guys, you’re gettin’ love instead of your usual fee! “It’s wrapped up in meeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Jason: I wonder why Miss Alexis Lee hasn’t covered this. Doesn’t it seem perfect for her?

Jeff: shudder Oh God, now that you mention it. Why? Why did you say that?

Jason: alexis lee dance