The Sixth Day of Mellowmas: Dick’s What You’re Gettin’ for Mellowmas
Jason: You know, I walked down past my drugstore today, and I realized that Christmas decorations have been in the window for about three months now. Whatever happened to this season, Jeff? I swear I remember a time when Christmas decorations started around Thanksgiving, not the day after Halloween.
Jeff: This is what you’re complaining about this time of year? I had the most wonderful dream last night — I dreamed I was walking down a city street on a gray, rainy February afternoon, and I got splashed with dirty street water by a truck as it drove by. And then I woke up and it was still fucking Mellowmas.
Jason: It’s only the sixth day, to be exact!
Jeff: But I do understand what you’re talking about. It’s easy to feel nostalgic for a simpler, more innocent time during the holiday season. A time like, say, the 1970s.
Jason: Yes. Everything is about cashing in these days.
Jeff: Hey, speaking of cashing in and the 1970s.
Jason: Didn’t we do this yesterday?
Jeff: You seemed to enjoy it so much, I decided we should stay in the decade!
Jason: Haven’t we O’Sullivaned these poor readers enough?
Jeff: The decade when a teen idol could stick his face inside a wreath and girls would swoon!
Jason: Is “wreath” a euphemism?
Jeff: The decade when a man could sing a jaunty pop tune about not getting his girlfriend a goddamn thing for Christmas!
Jason: Oh, you clearly meant an actual wreath. Are we listening to Ron Dante again?
Jeff: Well, it’s sort of a chintzy painting of a wreath. Today we’re listening to former teen sensation Bobby Sherman.
Jason: Bobby Sherman!
Jeff: Bobby Sherman.
Jason: Poor Bobby Sherman! Died on Leap Day this year!
Jeff: Oh, shit! Really? I had no idea. At least we’re talking about someone who’s actually dead this time.
Jason: Oh, wait. Hang on. That was Davy Jones.
Jason: You know how you know Davy Jones was a dick? It took him dying to get Mike Nesmith to re-join the band. Bring us your worst, Monkees fans! And New Monkees fans!
Jeff: Monkees fans bring “Pool It”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: Well, now that we’ve insulted everyone, I guess it’s time for the final insult: Bobby Sherman’s “Love’s What You’re Gettin’ for Christmas.”
Jason: I love this album cover. The bow looks like a grotesque bow tie.
Jeff: It does, doesn’t it? I love everything about the cover, especially the title. It’s all so perfectly descriptive.
Jason: I’d expect that bow tie on The Berry Vest of Bobby Sherman, not this album.
Jeff: It’s like the designer went, “Bobby Sherman, Christmas Album? Fine, fuck you.”
Jason: So what do you think, pal? Are our readers gettin’ love for Christmas?
Jeff: Oh, they’re gettin’ it, all right.
Bobby Sherman, “Love’s What You’re Gettin’ for Christmas” (download)
Jeff: SO FUCKING JAUNTY.
Jason: Oh dear god.
Jason: Now I understand the oversized bow.
Jeff: Bobby Sherman is singing about his dick, and how to get it under your tree Christmas morning.
Jason: Wow, this song is SO MUCH BETTER when you look at it from that perspective.
Jeff: Right? “I didn’t get you anything! Let’s do it.”
Jason: Christmas morning you’ll see!
Dick! From me to you!
Dick! Our whole life through!
Jeff: There’s no Christmas wrappin’ for it!
Jason: “I got a way to send love!”
Jeff: It’s a beautiful present of love wrapped up in him, Jason.
Jason: “A beautiful present of dick wrapped up in me!” Wait, that’s weird.
Jeff: Ha ha ha!
Jason: Dance break! These poor session musicians.
Jeff: Isn’t this great? I love the unapologetic shittiness of it.
Jason: That song was missing a final “Bum!” at the end.
Jeff: The whole thing is Mellowmas terrible.
Jason: I’m just imagining the drummer — it was probably Hal Blaine.
Jeff: Getting triple scale to tap his way through this piece of shit on a hot July afternoon.
Jason: The Dicking Crew.
Jeff: “Hey guys, you’re gettin’ love instead of your usual fee! “It’s wrapped up in meeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
Jason: I wonder why Miss Alexis Lee hasn’t covered this. Doesn’t it seem perfect for her?
Jeff: shudder Oh God, now that you mention it. Why? Why did you say that?
Jason: alexis lee dance