stryper1986STRYPER
Title: “Honestly”
Album: To Hell With The Devil
Release Date: Oct. 24, 1986

Why You Remember Them: Because at one point you stood with your fist in the air and shouted “To Hell With the Devil” like a hot banshee on fire. Didn’t you?

Alarming Sales Figures: 2 million moved for To Hell. The damn thing spent three months on Billboard’s album charts. Even the, ahem, poppier follow-up In God We Trust moved half a million, although that was mostly from older fans who mistook it for currency.

Recent News: Well, that’s the thing; evidently these fellas are on a 25th anniversary tour, according to this Press Release I have just received, which is accompanied by a very thoughtful-looking blood-red tinted photo of four guys looking downward in a pose of either deep prayer or a nap. One of them is wearing Archie’s ascot, or maybe five candy-cane ties. Whatever. All I know is, Jesus would hate this tie.

Don’t They Have a New One Out? Sure, why not. It’s called Murder By Pride, and the first single debuted at No. 27 on the Billboard Top 100, and by “Billboard Top 100” I mean “Christianrock.net,” which apparently has a chart, one that features 26 better songs than Stryper’s Boston cover.

If You Have Not Feasted Your Eyes On The To Hell Cover Art In Some Time You Should Really Do It Now: The BANNED ONE above, that is. Total sexfest.

Key Tracks: “Calling On You,” “Free,” “Honestly”

Best Part Of Their Wikipedia Entry: “Stryper stands for Salvation Through Redemption Yielding Peace, Encouragement and Righteousness.” Which gives me a name for a new band: Tortured Acronym. Actually, that’s pretty bad-ass. We’ll be on Rock Never Stops in two years, you just watch.

Also: They were originally known as Roxx Regime, meaning that Salvation Through Redemption Yielding Peace, Encouragement and Righteousness is actually the second-worst band name they’ve ever had.

Also: Their guitarist is named Oz Fox. Go ahead. Go tell Oz Fox his name is stupid. I’ll watch.

Most Improbable Song Title: “Come To the Everlife”

Pre-Nirvana Song Titles: “Sing-Along Song,” “Rockin’ The World”

Post-Nirvana Song Titles: “Murder By Pride,” “Mercy Over Blame”

Arbitarily Scored Ferocity of Devil-Horns Thrust: -3. And lo let it be written from the mountaintops to the valleys, Christian rock sucks.