The Tenth Day of Mellowmas: Calling All Eunuchs

Written by Mellowmas, Music

Stupid baby boomers. You ruin everything

Jeff: Boy, is it cold outside!

Jason: Freezing!

Jeff: It reminds me of holiday seasons from long ago.

Jason: Ooh, a little nostalgia? I’m in.

Jeff: Nostalgia! It’s everywhere lately. It’s hip! It’s happening!

Jason: Isn’t that what the holiday season is about? Nostalgia? The white Christmases, just like the ones we used to know?

Jeff: I thought it was about bourbon.

Jason: You think every season is about bourbon.

Jeff: Not true! Summer is about gin.

Jason: As long as you’re sufficiently hammered every season of the year, I’m good. But anyway.

Christmas.

Nostalgia.

Jeff: Anyway, it seems like the past is all anyone cares about anymore. Have you read Simon Reynolds’ Retromania?

Jason: Ooh. I haven’t, but I like the idea.

Jeff: “We live in a pop age gone loco for retro and crazy for commemoration. Band re-formations and reunion tours, expanded reissues of classic albums and outtake-crammed box sets, remakes and sequels, tribute albums and mash-ups . . . But what happens when we run out of past?”

That’s a good question, Jason. What happens when we run out of past? I think maybe we turn past into a soul-killing Broadway hit and then sloppily paste a Christmas album onto it.

Jason: Oh, no. You’re kidding.

Jeff: I’m shaking you by the reindeer sweater and screaming that I wish I was kidding.

Jason: As far as I know, a Broadway cast has never recorded a Christmas album of, like, shit that wasn’t in the original Broadway show.

Jeff: Jason, have you ever heard of the “Jersey Boys”?

Jason: I have indeed! I actually want to see it. Everybody I know who’s seen it has raved about it. Which would explain why they get away with charging like $150 per ticket. I think my parents have seen it twice.

Jeff: Maybe you’re beginning to sense where we’re heading with this.

Jason: So the Jersey Boys recorded a Christmas album?

Jeff: Seasons Greetings. The cover of which answers the question “What would it look like if four Pepsi cans recorded a Christmas album?”


Jason: Wait. So this is aimed at baby boomers who would like to imagine that the Four Seasons — who, to my knowledge, never recorded a Christmas album — recorded a Christmas album.

Jeff: I guess that’s who it’s aimed at. I can’t pretend to know.

Jason: Wait a second. The Four Seasons DID record a Christmas album! So why do we need or want this?

Jeff: I DON’T

Stupid baby boomers. This whole thing makes me a little sick to my stomach. I mean, I’m all for fond memories, but yecchh.

Jason: Why wouldn’t we all just stick to the original?

Jeff:
This is worse than that show where Elvis’s old band plays his songs in front of a video screen. If the Jersey Boys put out an expanded reissue of their original cast recording, will the world end?

Jason: I’m fairly certain Bob Gaudio will do whatever he can to continue capitalizing on this show’s success.

Jeff: I guess you probably need to give this to your mom for Christmas, too.

Jason: Yeah, I already ordered it. hangs head in shame

Let’s see how close these guys get to the original Four Seasons sound, shall we?

Jeff: Jason, you’re part of the problem. But that’ll come in handy today. Let’s check this out.

Jason: This track is called “Angels From The Realm Of Glory (Australia).” I wasn’t aware that Australia was the realm of glory.

Jeff: Duh. Crocodile Dundee!

Jersey Boys — Angels From the Realm of Glory (download)

From Seasons Greetings: A Jersey Boys Cash-in Christmas

Jason: Go!

Jeff: What? Is this the fifth season?

Jason: Sounds like the Jersey Boys are holding out for a hero.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Oh yeah, this TOTALLY sounds like a Four Seasons song. This is bullshit.

Jeff: This song makes me want to punch and kick.

Jason: Why? Why? Why?

Jeff: SHUT UP ROBOT VOICE. This is “Angels from the Realm of Cynical Bullshit.”

Well, that was an impressive high note.

Jason: I know I missed the Four Seasons Christmas album. Did the Four Seasons also go through some kind of ’80s synth phase that I missed completely?

No doubt this guy can sing.

Jeff: I wonder how much he hates himself?

Jason: But why would I ever want to listen to this again? I don’t even want to listen to it now!

Jeff: Longest fadeout ever!

Jason: And yet it’s mercifully less than two minutes long.

Jeff: I did a Google search for “Four Seasons new wave” and got Éric Rohmer’s Wikipedia page, so I don’t think they ever did anything that sounds like this.

Jason: I wonder if they recorded this song, and it was actually like six minutes long. I wonder if someone actually had the taste to cut it down to under two minutes.

Jeff: Now I’m listening to the Four Seasons’ “Who Loves You (Disco Version),” which is actually about six minutes long.

Jason: “For Jersey Boys’ first Christmas on Broadway in 2006, the cast recorded “O Holy Night” for a Christmas album to benefit Broadway charities.” So where the hell are the proceeds from THIS album going?

Jeff: Bob Gaudio Hospice!

Jason: Anything else on this miserable disc you want to listen to? Surely they must have copped the Four Seasons sound somewhere on here.

Jeff: I’m only listening to another track if it’s a bunch of songs mashed together into a thin Broadway-flavored gruel.

Jason: “Santa Medley” it is, then!

Jersey Boys — Santa Medley (download)


From $easons Greeting$: A Jer$ey Boy$ Christma$

Jason: Ringing bells!

Jeff: Well, I like bells.

God DAMMIT.

Jason: Ah, there it is. This album should be called Calling All Eunuchs.

Jeff: Never have I wanted so much to punch a man in the throat.

Jason: You’re aiming too high.

Jeff: As much as I hate this, I have to admit it makes perfect sense for Mellowmas. Money is the only reason for this to exist.

Jason: Oooh, next song!

Jeff: The really depressing thing is that it’ll probably make tons and tons of money.

Jason: Oh, for sure.

Oh, great, kids’ voices.

Jeff: Shut up, kids!

Jason: Bob Gaudio’s grandchildren?

Jeff: I bet you’ll go to at least one Long Island holiday party where the hosts are playing this.

Jason: I’m not taking that bet.

Jeff: Aren’t your parents friends with Sha Na Na?

Jason: I think my mom had a liaison with Bowser in the ’70s. Ugh, SHUT UP EUNUCH

Jeff: You love Christmas. This has to offend you. I don’t even really care about the season, and this sounds like a giant middle finger to me.

Jason: I do love Christmas. And it offends me because it’s just so clear that everyone involved was imagining the checks coming in.

Jeff: AND THEY’LL GET THOSE CHECKS. It was bad enough when we heard Tommy Tutone counting his Christmas cash, but this time it’s actually going to work.

Jason: So what next? Is the cast of “Hair” going to do a bunch of hippie-dippie Christmas carols?

Is Andrew Lloyd Webber going to break out his drum machine again?

Jeff: They’ll be selling these in the lobby at every sold-out “Jersey Boys” performance all season long.

Jason: I’d be okay with a “Book of Mormon” Christmas album, I think.

Maybe even an “Avenue Q” Christmas album.

Jeff: Parker and Stone have proven their holiday music mettle. Plus, they need money to defend themselves from the Scientologists.

This…this is the absolute worst. I’d rather listen to the Archies.

Jason: I’m just scared to see what happens next.

“A Very Les Miserables Christmas.”

Jeff: “Starring Debbie Gibson.”

Jason: “Merry Christmas From Cats.”

Jeff: “Featuring Gloria Estefan.”

Jason: Only really inappropriate plays and musicals should follow this idea.

“Home for the Holidays with Angels in America.”

Jeff: Oh my God!

“Rent for Christmas.”

Jason: No, no, no. Don’t give Rent any fucking ideas. They’d DO that.

Jeff: Yeah, I’d support that. Or, you know, a Christmas album from actual Jersey boys.

Jason: All off-key and shit! NOW we’re talking!

Jeff: Yes. What’s Artie Lange up to?

Jason: “Christmas Greetings From The Color Purple.”