The Tenth Day of Mellowmas: Jingles All the Way
Jeff: Hey Jason!
Jason: Hey Jeff!
Jeff: What’s brown, black and white, and should be sued for false advertising? Choose your answer carefully. You don’t want to offend anybody.
Jason: For not-the-first-time this season, I’m speechless.
The New York Post in a pile of dog crap?
Jeff: I’ll give you a hint: He likes to snap his fingers in front of giant Christmas ornaments. Also, he sucks.
Jason: Oh! I know! It must be Pierre Perpall!
Jeff: Excuse me, motherfucker, I think you meant to write “Pierre Perpall, the Entertainer”! Because that’s totally how he bills himself on his Christmas album, The Christmas Album.
Jason: …is he Cedric‘s cousin?
Jeff: Oh God, I hope so. Actually, I kind of hope Cedric sues Pierre.
Jason: Naming an album The Christmas Album should be illegal.
Jeff: Pierre Perpall has done a number of things that should be illegal, and that’s definitely on the list.
Jason: I have no idea who he is, but I did go to his website.
Jeff: So Pierre Perpall is apparently a Michael Jackson impersonator who specializes in the Off the Wall period, which is okay with me.
Jason: I’m not entirely sure this was all written in English.
Jeff: The website I’m visiting says “HE STARTED TO WRITE HIS OWN SONGS IN ENGLISH WHEN DISCO AND FUNK WAS THE IN THING , WHAT KEPT HIM ACTIVE EVEN TO THIS DAY HIS THE DANCING STYLE HE CREATED THAT BECAME HIS OWN BUT WITH THE INFLUENCE OF CHUBBY CHECKER AND JAMES BROWN AT THE BEGINNING OF HIS CAREER.”
Jason: I like the photo that says “Get Google Ads free ! free !” at the top.
Jeff: “HE HIMSELF RECORDED SONGS THAT WERE DISTRIBUTED IN OVER 20 COUNTRIES , SUCH HITS LIKE ( THEM CHANGES UNDER THE ARTIST NAME PERPALL) ( CREME SOUFFLLÉE UNDER THE ARTIST NAME PURPLE FLASH ) (WORLD INVADERS UNDER THE ARTIST NAME PLUTON AND THE HUMANOIDS) ( WE CAN MAKE IT UNDER THE ARTIST NAME PURPLE FLASH ) ( DA DA DA UNDER THE ARTIST NAME PERPALL ) AND MANY MORE…”
Jason: Oddly, your incessant yelling just wound up explaining the section I quoted before. Oh hey, in 1967-68 he was nominated for “New coming artist of the year,” which is gross.
Jeff: None of this has been explained, nor will it be.But just in case you were wondering, “HE AS TRAVELED TO PERFORM FROM MONTREAL ,LOS ANGELES , MEXICO , LAS VEGAS , FLORIDA , HE IS A CHAMELEON OF MUSIC FROM ROCK TO POP TO CROONER AND BLUES HE FEELS IT ALL ,ON GUITAR , KEYBOARDS AND AS A PERFORMER HE IS A VERY HARD ACT TO FOLLOW A MUST SEE ENTERTAINER , ENTERTAINMENT IS THE GAME,TALENT IS HIS NAME PIERRE PERPALL.”
Jason: STOP SCREAMING AT ME
Jeff: I think you know what we’re in for, dear readers.
Jason: I’LL LISTEN TO THE GODDAMN TRACK IF YOU JUST SHUT UP
Jeff: This is bound to be 100 percent classic Mellowmas. Are you ready for “Jingle Bells” as nature never intended?
Pierre Perpall, “Jingle Bells” (download)
Jeff: Oh my.
Jason: Jingles all the way!
Jeff: I think on the first line, he actually said “Jingle bell.” There, he said it again!
Jason: Bad English + Dixieland = Pierre Perpall the Entertainer
Jeff: weeps with laughter
Jason: Dashing true the snow!
Jeff: He laughed after “laughing all the way”! And so did I! But we weren’t laughing about the same thing!
Jason: Oh what fun is it to ride a sleighing song tonight! Jingles all the way, Jeff! JINGLES ALL THE WAY!
Jeff: Oh what fun is it to ride! Jesus Christ, is that a synth banjo?
Jason: Quiet, he’s doing the second verse. That’s BOLD!
Jeff: Wait, what’s happening here? Is this real?
Jason: He actually hasn’t fucked up a sentence yet.
Jeff: Did Pierre Perpall freestyle this?
Jason: Oh wait. He just did. “And there we got a spot.” What does THAT mean?
Jeff: This is amazing. I love how he randomly adds or removes plurals.
Jason: I also love that it ends with seven seconds of silence.
Jeff: I kept waiting for him to say “Oh what funs is it to ride.” TOTALLY getting this album for you on CD. This needs to be played on family car rides.
Jason: I don’t wants the funs to end, Jeff. That said, if you buy me this CD, I’m going to buy you fifteen copies of Colbie Caillat’s Christmas CD, so backs off.
Jeff: Fortunately, Pierre Perpall has manys album for you to hears, including 2010’s Soul, whichs include a cover of “Sex Machine (Get Up).”
Jason: Wait, can we listen to something else off this album?
Jeff: Alsos, “If You Don’t Knows Me By Now.”
Jason: Pleases? Pleases cans we?
Jeff: Well, there ares 10 other tracks…
Jason: Cans we listen to “Blue Christmas”?
Pierre Perpall, “Blue Christmas” (download)
Jeff: Well, hey, at least he doesn’t mess around. God, that keyboard. This is going to be the longest 3:25 of Mellowmas, I can tells.
Jason: He used the dreaded “Doo Voice” patch that exists on every synthesizer! This totally reveals that there were only two people in the studio when he recorded this. And by “the studio,” I mean “his basements.”
Jeff: What kind of home includes a copy of Pierre Perpall: The Christmas Album? Excepting a Perpall home, I mean.
Jason: Apparently, mine in about a week from now.
Jeff: Just imagine listening to this with your wife and child as you drive to get your Christmas trees. Oh shit, Pierre just got a little soulful.
Jason: He did? Are you sures?
Jeff: He kind of groaned for a second.
Jeff: OH NO SPOKEN WORD INTERLUDE
STOP IT PIERRE
PLEASE BEGINS SINGING AGAIN
Jason: SPOKEN WORD!
BREAK IT DOWNS, PIERRE!
Jeff: Oh, thank God.
Jason: And another ten seconds of silence!
Jeff: Well, I have to admit that Pierre can carry a tune — and judging from that album cover, he can also sell the fuck out of a Chevrolet.
Jason: He kind of looks a little like Jon Secada.
Jeff: And that is why one day, Jon Secada will slap you.
Jason: Right in my faces!