The Tenth Day of Mellowmas: The Mellowmas Birds
Jason: Hey Jeff, guess how many songs I have in my holiday collection on iTunes?
Jason: Not quite. I’m up to 2,797. Funny, I thought the number was higher, too.
Jeff: That’s impressive, by which I mean heartbreaking.
Jason: It’s become quite a compulsion. I have to search for Christmas music every year. I can’t stop.
Jeff: I, on the other hand, now actively avoid all Christmas music, even if it’s from artists I know I can trust, like Nick Lowe.
Jason: I’m telling you, that album is really quite good.
Jeff: I used to love Christmas music. I had a pretty decent collection myself.
Jason: I know! I think I got my first few hundred tracks from you!
Jeff: Now, it just makes me think of incompetence and cash-grabbing. So many big-name artists recording Christmas albums.
Jason: I know. Really, Kelly Clarkson? Is that really necessary?
Jeff: Really, Tamar Braxton?
Jason: A second Christmas record, Jewel?
Jeff: I just got really angry at Rod Stewart for a second, but I’m okay now.
Jason: But you know what makes it all worth it? When I do a deep-dive and find something that I thought I’d never, ever find. Something that I figure most people will never, ever find.
Jeff: I’m uncomfortable with you using the phrase “deep-dive” in this context.
Jason: That’s how I came across Dorothy Finch.
Jeff: Was I complaining about major artists making Christmas music just now? I would like to retract.
Jason: I don’t know much about Dorothy Finch. I know she has a last name that is also the name of a type of bird. I know that she likes birds herself.
Jeff: Please stop.
Jason: i know that designing album covers is maybe not her forte.
Jeff: I feel an overpowering sense of dread coming on. Maybe we should listen to Kelly Clarkson instead.
Jason: And I know that you and I are about to listen to a song called “The Holiday Birds.”
Jeff: Holiday birds? Huh. That doesn’t sound so bad. Like, cardinals and stuff, right?
Jason: Shhh. Just listen.
Listen to the holiday birds.
Jeff: Ooh, synthy! It’s like Mike Oldfield walked into a pet store.
Jason: Free-form, man! Rhodes!
Jeff: This…is singing?
Jason: Random synth patch!
Jeff: How many takes do you think this took?
Jason: It sounds like her voice is actually kind of nice. But I think she recorded this in a phone booth. Or with her head in a space helmet.
Jason: Well, you know. In a menacing way.
Jeff: I mean, she sounds like a nice person.
This is one trippy goddamn holiday song.
Jeff: And it’s on Dorothy’s record The Nature of Christmas: Children’s Song-Book! I would NEVER play this for my kids. Or anyone’s kids.
Jason: It’s eerie. Can you imagine if I played this for my daughter and just told her this was what all Christmas music sounded like?
Jeff: Hanukkah forever!
Also, I don’t appreciate these things that sound like fade-outs, but aren’t.
Jason: Dorothy Finch likes fucking with you. Holiday bu-uh-urds!
Jeff: What just happened?
Jason: What just happened? You got Finch’d, that’s what just happened.
Jeff: Why was that for kids? How was it about the holidays? Who wrote it? Who played on it? WHY.
Jason: I think you know who wrote it and who played on it. The holiday birds.
Jeff: Never mind. You can’t answer those questions. I doubt Dorothy Finch could answer them. I need to stop thinking about who and why and start focusing more on whiskey. Is this what it feels like to get high?
Jason: I wonder if I could get Dorothy Finch to call you, a la Wing.
Jeff: That would be AWFUL. Her voice would be all deep and close to the phone.
Jason: Maybe I could get her to sell you one of her holiday birds.
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! All dead in a box!
Jason: Holiday dead bird!
Jeff: “Enclosed please find one (1) holiday bu-uh-urd.”
Jason: Well, I feel pretty proud of myself right now.
Jeff: SO DID DOROTHY FINCH, YOU FUCKER.
Jason: *leprechaun dance*