Jason: You and I have been together for a real long time now.
Jeff: This is true, but I feel like if I agree, things are about to get mean.
Jason: I was just thinking about the first time you said those three little words to me.
Jeff: “Quit your job”?
Jason: Close! “It’s like this.”
Jeff: Oh no. Hey, how about if I just apologize for all the times I said that and we call it even?
Jason: Well, I was just thinking, and wondering if I had three little words I could say in return.
Jeff: “I forgive you.”
Jason: Close! “SHUT UP KIDS”
Jeff: Ooooooh! We haven’t had a kids’ choir yet this year. Is that what’s happening today? So exciting.
Jason: Well, just one kid.
Jeff: Is it that one little Italian from last year?
Jason: It seems as if every year, there’s a kid who “releases” a bunch of “Christmas” songs.
Jeff: Dating way back to the early ’70s, when Davy Jones did it!
Jason: It is not…whatever that kid’s name was. Anyway, this year, that kid’s name is Cara Allen — and look, I don’t want to say bad things about a kid. I’m sure she’s a sweetheart.
Jeff: Cara Allen. Sounds like a perfectly made-up showbiz name.
Jason: And yet.
Jeff: My point of view whenever we cover a song like this is that it’s always the parents’ fault.
Jason: Well, she’s got an EP out. It’s called Santa Santa. And I’ll leave it up to you: original song or cover?
Jeff: Oh, how I wish it was a cover of “Santa Jenny.”
Jason: Kidding! You don’t actually get a choice. We’re listening to “Up on the Housetop.”
Jeff: That’s a song we rarely cover here! So many fine possibilities.
Jason: For good reason! It’s one of the worst Christmas songs ever written, just in general.
Jeff: Well, I’m sold. Let’s see what little Cara Allen has to offer, shall we?
Jason: I don’t think I’ve ever actually heard a legit version of this song. Any time that I’ve heard it, it’s been in a stupid motion-detecting stuffed animal in a drugstore.
Production values! Gotta love ’em.
Jason: *dunks head in Christmas tree water*
Jeff: Does Cara Allen already have emphysema? I feel like she’s having a hard time catching her breath.
Jason: Someone definitely told her to laugh on the word “laughs.” Her voice is very shaky. It reminds me of Joanna Newsom, but less annoying.
Jeff: This sounds like something Cara’s parents sent out with their Christmas cards one year, and everyone was all like, “Hey, that little girl of yours is a real singer,” so then they decided to see if they could take care of her college fund.
On the definite plus side, it’s only two minutes long.
Jason: You’ve read the Spotify articles! She’s going to need more streams than what we’re going to give her through Mellowmas.
Jeff: Oh, she’s going to need plenty, Jason. Plenty.
Jason: All of these songs have the words “- Original” after them. Why is that?
Is it because there are no other versions that sound quite like these?
Jeff: Well, I can tell you that Cara’s holiday album, Santa Santa, boasts two original songs: “Santa, Santa” and “Oogie Oogie Oogie Do the Santa Claus Boogie.”
I know this from visiting her website.
I know this too: “At eleven years old, Cara Allen is enjoying her first year of middle school and hanging out with her friends.”
“I feel very blessed to have had this chance to sing such wonderful Christmas classics and to be a part of introducing two new children’s Christmas songs to the world. It’s been a lot of fun to do and I hope I can continue to make people smile with my music.”
Jason: Ugh, now I feel bad. Cara, I wish you all the best.
Jeff: Again, blame the parents. My favorite thing about this is the cover art, which depicts Santa as a guy who’s about to climb through the window and murder Cara Allen.
Jeff: Seriously, it’s straight up creepy.
Jason: YES! Do you remember those rumors about the dead boy in the window during Three Men and a Baby?
Jeff: That’s the kid, all grown up!
Jason: Could actually be Steve Guttenberg!
Well, the producer says “She made every song her own and you can ‘hear’ her smile in each song and bring such wonderful enthusiasm.” I definitely can hear the smile and enthusiasm, but I hope everyone understands if this is where I climb out that window and let that Santa do whatever he wants to me.
Jeff: Cara Allen does not lack for enthusiasm. Me, I’m just going to oogie oogie oogie.
Jason: Three new little words!
Do me a favor. Go oogie oogie oogie up on the housetop. Nobody wants to see it here. I’ll be sending that Santa right up to you momentarily.
Jeff: You’ll be able to hear my enthusiasm, Jason. I promise you.