We know, we know: sure, Mellowmas is filled with Christmas dreck — but what about the Jews?  Well, today, the Jews be representin’.  Although after hearing this one, you may want to renounce religion altogether.

Peter, Paul & Mary — Hayo, Haya (download)

From A Holiday Celebration With the New York Choral Society Amazon iTunes

Jason: “Hayo, Haya.”

Jeff: What does that even mean?

Jason:Is this an Outkast cover?

Jeff: Ha ha ha! I hope so!

Jason: God, how awesome would that be?

Jeff: I’d love it. Let’s e-mail them and tell them to do it. Mellow Gold musicians take our advice seriously now.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Shit, who let the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in here?

Jason: It’s actually the New York Choral Society.

Jeff: SPEAK ENGLISH!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Way to rip on Hebrew, Jeff!

Jeff: You can’t fool me. They’re all the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Reign of terror?
Oh, no.

Jason: Reign of terror! Reign of terror!

Jeff: Are we back in Sarajevo, Jason?

Jason: Pain forever! Pain forever! It’s like…they’re talking about Mellowmas!

Jeff: I feel cold. This is what you guys sing about on Hanukkah? No wonder everyone likes Christmas better. Blood, terror, and Hebrew. Minor keys.

Jason: This is why nobody remembers songs by the Jews. We’re always like, “yeah, happy holiday, but don’t forget how bad it was, and how bad it could have been.”

Jeff: Burn the Torah? No! Ash and smoke!

Jason: Crushed menorah! Crushed menorah!

Jeff: Oh my G-d, this is horrible!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! This is why suicide rates are higher during the holidays.

Jeff: I can’t believe they performed this during a holiday concert. Why not something nice, like “Rock of Ages”? What a fucking downer! Way to go, Peter, Paul & Mary!

Jason: Hang on, I’m looking at the track list. Yeah, it’s all filled with marginally happy songs.

Jeff: This album is supposed to be some kind of classic.

Jason: But no “Here Comes Santa Claus.”

Jeff: What the fuck are you people clapping about? The burning of the Torah?
Assholes!

Jason: Reign of terror! Reign of terror!

Jeff: Oh, man. I feel like crying now.

Jason: Today you are a Jew.

Jeff: Even more than when I listen to Peter, Paul & Mary songs that aren’t this one.

Jason: I feel kind of bad ripping on Peter, Paul & Mary.

Jeff: What for?

Jason: I don’t know. It seems wrong somehow.

Jeff: I understand why you felt bad when we ripped on your friends in the Starland Vocal Band.

Jason: Yeah, I still feel bad about that one. It’s like ripping on Pete Seeger.

Jeff: No, no, no. Pete Seeger is a hero.

Jason: Peter, Paul & Mary aren’t in that boat? I thought they were.

Jeff: Peter, Paul & Mary are just three old farts who don’t know how to have a good time during the holidays. Although I do sort of wish they’d do a Christmas concert with Judy Collins. Imagine the harmonies we’d hear during “Song for Sarajevo”!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! They actually had a Christmas concert at Carnegie Hall last week. My mother-in-law wanted to go. I couldn’t get tickets, believe it or not.

Jeff: It was sold out? They sold out Carnegie Hall?

Jason: Well, close. Only bad seats in the upper balcony were left.

Jeff: Good Lord.

Jason: Either they sold out or the good seats were all reserved for season ticketholders.

Jeff: Economic crisis, my ass.

Jason: I mean, it is Carnegie Hall. Hey, I wonder if they had a special appearance by the Singing Saw? Seems apropos, no?

Jeff: I can hear that, actually.

Jason: Seriously. What says “reign of terror” more than a singing saw?

Jeff: Judy, Peter, Paul & Mary, and the goddamn Singing Saw. Say, how flammable is Carnegie Hall, anyway?

Jason: And then Lee Greenwood comes out! In his stars & stripes jacket! He doesn’t actually say anything.

Jeff: No, I don’t think he would.

Jason: He just comes out, waves a flag, and leaves.

Jeff: I think he’d punch Julian Koster right in his singing saw.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Man, is Lee Greenwood the best we’ve heard this year? Because it hurts me to type that.

Jason: Define “the best.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha! “Unshittiest.”

Jason: Hm.

Jeff: I think he might be.

Jason: It’s hard to say. I’ve lost all objectivity.

Jeff: We need to find this year’s Paul Carrack, and pronto.

Jason: Yeah, we may be out of luck.

Well, this was a downer, wasn’t it. Happy holidays, but DON’T YOU EVER FORGET THE REIGN OF TERROR.

Jeff: When you’re opening your gifts this year, REMEMBER THE BLOOD AND CRUSHED MENORAHS.

Jason: CRUSHED MENORAH! CRUSHED MENORAH! TRAMPLED CHILDREN! TRAMPLED CHILDREN!

Actually, I don’t think that last one is in there. But it could be, right?

Jeff: Sure! A few trampled children never hurt a song, right?

Jason: Not one like this!

Jeff: I think I heard that line in an Outkast number once, actually. Heyyyyyyyyyyy Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Jason: There are so many lines you could put in there.

BANGED YOUR MOTHER! BANGED YOUR MOTHER!
Hayo!
Haya!

Jeff:

FIND A CLINIC! FIND A CLINIC!
Hayo!
Haya!

Jason: I mean, almost anything fits. ATE A TACO! ATE A TACO!

Jeff: Except for, like, a little fucking holiday cheer. Even Al Jarreau managed that, and he was high.

Jason: Thanks a lot, Peter, Paul & Mary. I’m taking this song and sticking it in my Spyro Gyra.

Jeff: Hayo!

Jason: Haya!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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