The Twentieth Day of Mellowmas: I Saw Lady Saw Groping Santa Claus
Jeff: We’re in the home stretch, Jason! Only 38 more days to go.
Jason: I hate you. Next year, 12 days. That’s it.
Jeff: Aw, don’t be like that, guy. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Can you see it? It’s multicolored, and it’s blinking.
In fact, the lights are yellow, and green, and…red.
Huh. Sort of a familiar color combination.
Jason: You’re going somewhere. I don’t know where it is, but I’m praying it’s off a bridge.
Jeff: Hey, remember how much fun we had last year when we got to listen to that reggae cover of “Last Christmas”?
Jason: Didn’t I say last year that I never wanted to hear a cover of “Last Christmas” ever again?
Jeff: You did, and I ignored that. But don’t worry! Today we aren’t listening to “Last Christmas.”
Jason: Oh, thank God.
Jeff: Today we’re listening to a reggae cover of “O Come All Ye Faithful.”
Jason: weeps in corner
Jeff: Jason, say hello to the Platinum Collection Band! Don’t they sound impressive?
Jason: I don’t get it. They collect platinum?
Jeff: I guess? Maybe on account of their many fans? Although from what I’ve been able to glean from Google, they may not actually be a band.
“Glean” is a cool word. More people should say “glean” more often.
Jason: Do they have platinum records?
Jeff: I’m guessing they do not. They do, however, have A Very Reggae Christmas, which I saw and thought of you.
Jason: Wow, there are a lot of albums called The Platinum Collection. Queen, Genesis, Tina Turner…
Jeff: That’s how popular these guys are!
Jason: So it’s a supergroup. I get it!
Jeff: Yes! This version of “O Come All Ye Faithful” is practically guaranteed* to feature Queen, Genesis, and Tina Turner.
Jason: There had better not be small print here, Jeff. I hate small print.
Jeff: Let’s focus on what’s important, mon.
Jason: Your asterisk is making me nervous.
Jeff: Be faithful. Now come.
Platinum Collection Band, “O Come All Ye Faithful” (download)
Jason: Whoa! He wants me to sing in exaltation!
Jeff: (Christ is born!)
Jason: I guess I’m going to do it. Faithful!
Jeff: Joyful and trium-phunt! This is marvelous. I have no idea who thought it needed to be done or where it might make sense to play it during the holiday season, but it’s marvelous.
Jeff: Let’s be joyful today, Jason!
Jason: …I actually have NO PROBLEM WITH THIS. Is this bad? I don’t think this is bad. I mean, it’s cookie-cutter, but it’s not bad.
Jeff: You know what? I guess I don’t either. I mean, I’m smiling, anyway.
Jason: Or maybe I just don’t know reggae. They seem happy.
Jeff: I’m sure neither of us has the slightest clue about reggae, but I think we both know enough to know that this is supremely silly, but in a good way.
Jason: I mean, why wouldn’t they seem happy? They’re the fucking Platinum Collection Band!
Jeff: Yes! Let’s be joyful today! Whooo!
Jason: Goddammit, dude, I started singing in exaltation like two minutes ago.
Jeff: DON’T YOU DARE STOP SINGING IN EXALTATION
Jason: Look, if there’s one thing you know about me, I follow Mellowmas orders. Otherwise we wouldn’t be here right now.
Jeff: My favorite part of this song is the thing that’s supposed to be a cowbell but might not be.
Jason: Yeah, what IS that?
Jeff: (Christ is born!)
Jason: (Christ is born!)
Jeff: Oh shit, falsetto! Is that a reggae yodel?
Jason: Just a little bit! I think they were recording this and the guy behind the board was giving them the “stretch it out” signal.
Jeff: Exactly. This was like three minutes longer than it needed to be. But much like you, I didn’t mind.
Jason: Yeah. Reggae fans deserve to enjoy Christmas music too!
Jeff: Well, then. Consider this our gift to you, dear readers. A Mellowmas hacky sack, if you will.
Jason: I don’t know, man. I think people are going to be disappointed with today’s entry. We have to do better.
And by better, I mean worse. Surely we can find some bad reggae Christmas music, right?
Jeff: Wait, what are you saying? You really want to try to find bad reggae Christmas music? You don’t want to just Carrack this out and let people sing in exaltation until tomorrow?
You are a hard man, Jason Hare.
Jason: Jeff, have you ever heard of Lady Saw?
Jason: (insert mother joke here)
I hadn’t heard of Lady Saw either. I had hoped she was my good buddy the Saw Lady, here in Astoria. Who, come to think of it, I haven’t seen in a few years…
Jeff: She’s a Jamaican bad girl with loads more attitude and sex appeal than hip-hop mistresses like Lil’ Kim and Foxy Brown!
Which means, by the way, that a chill just ran down my spine.
Jason: You know officially know more about Lady Saw than I do. Congratulations!
Jeff: Well, I know the first line of her Spotify bio, which is MORE THAN ENOUGH, THANK YOU.
Jason: “She soon became known for her slack style, with songs such as ‘Stab Up De Meat'” (insert mother joke here)
Jeff: Oh, Jesus.
Jason: “She is the first female deejay to win a Grammy Award and to be certified as a triple-platinum artist.”
Jeff: I think she guested on a No Doubt song once. I know I’ve heard her name before, which I repeat is MORE THAN ENOUGH PLEASE THANK YOU.
Jason: I don’t know. She DOES have a song called “Rich Man for Christmas.”
Jeff: sigh She also has a song called “Life Without Dick.” (insert mother joke here)
Jason: And she DOES have an album called Raw, the Best of Lady Saw, which I am currently buying for you.
Jeff: JASON DON’T
Jason: ladysawechaun dance
Jeff: That’s horrifying.
Jason: Shall we?
Lady Saw, “Richman for Christmas” (download)
Jason: Did she just mention Western Union?
Jeff: I have no fucking idea what she’s saying. Benz and Volvo?
She’s kind of like Wing with a deeper voice and a sense of rhythm, at least in terms of me being able to follow along lyrically. I just heard “fancy cars.” And something about a doctor.
Jason: She definitely said Western Union. That’s the only thing I’ve understood so far.
Jeff: Beans and rice!
Jason: Wait! I heard the word “Christmas”! Something about rims.
Jeff: Blar me a blar!
Jason: If you say so! Dude. Lady Saw LOVES Western Union!
Jeff: I think she’s saying something about lawyers and doctors.
Jason: She said something about investing in papardelle.
Jeff: Oh God, there’s still so much song left.
Jason: Oh, I heard the Benz and Volvo part this time.
Jeff: I guess at least I can say I’ve never heard anything like this before.
Jason: Versace and Donna Karan!
Jeff: Oh! Fadeout! Thank you, fadeout!
Jason: Aw, why a fadeout, Lady Saw? This song was begging for a big Broadway-style ending!
Jeff: I AM SINGING IN EXALTATION FOR THE FADEOUT
Jason: See? I knew we could redeem this day!
Jeff: Oof! Sez you. Readers, just remember: I tried to let you off the hook with some nice Platinum Christmas reggae. It was Jason who wanted to give you all Lady Saw VD.
Jason: (insert mother joke here)