Jason: Oh, Jeff. This Mellowmas season has really worn me out.
Jeff: I’m not feeling so good myself, buddy. What’s got you down?
Jason: Hm, what could it be? Could it be THREE GODDAMN WEEKS OF AWFUL CHRISTMAS MUSIC?
Jeff: But we do this every year!
Jason: And I feel like this during the last week every year! I’ll tell you, one of my only pleasures has been listening to some old, soulful Christmas classics.
Jeff: There’s nothing like some good soul music, is there?
Jason: Nope. Marvin Gaye, Otis Redding, Lou Rawls…
Jeff: Those are all wonderful artists, but you’re starting to make me nervous.
Jason: And just the other day, I was listening to one of my favorites: “Christmas Ain’t Christmas (Without the One You Love)” by the O’Jays.
Jeff: That one is okay, but I prefer “Christmas Time in the City.” Don’t you?
Jason: I think you know I do not. What year did we cover that song? Was it last year?
Jeff: I could have sworn it was at least three Mellowmases ago, but no, it was last year.
Jason: Honestly? I had forgotten all about that New Jack piece of dung.
Jeff: I just replayed the first few seconds of “Christmas Time in the City.” I had forgotten it too, but now I love it again. Aww yeah, Jason!
Jason: Yeah, I did the same thing. Except I do not love it again. So anyway, here I was, enjoying my old soulful Christmas music, and I check my inbox.
Jeff: Hey, I did that! I’m such a good friend. I mean, when you’re talking about the group that recorded “Christmas Ain’t Christmas (Without the One You Love)” AND “Christmas Time in the City,” you really can’t go wrong.
Jason: I’m just confused. Why would the O’Jays record yet another Christmas album? And why did they have a 15-year-old taking his first Photoshop class design the cover?
Jeff: There are so many artists we could ask that question about. I mean, we could get through at least three years of Mellowmas covering no one but Barry Manilow, Kenny Rogers, Kenny G, and Amy Grant. shudder
Jason: Hang on, I’m lighting a match and setting my eardrums on fire.
Jeff: I did a quick Google search and found the answer to your question about this new O’Jays Christmas album.
Jason: Enlighten us.
Jeff: “To celebrate their fans’ devotion over the years, they are providing them with the perfect holiday gift – a brand new holiday release.”
Jason: I see it’s on Saguaro Road Records. “Saguaro” is Spanish for “washed-up.”
Jeff: Yes, and in the press release, Eddie Levert says “This was one of the fastest records I ever recorded,” as if that’s a good thing. I believe Marc Cohn’s horrible covers album also came out on Saguaro Road. I wonder which is worse?
Jason: O’Jays, because there’s only one of Marc Cohn. There are, what, fifteen O’Jays?
Jeff: Oh! I have some advice from the senior vice president of retail at Saguaro Road Records!
Jeff: ““Turn the fireplace on, pour yourself eggnog and enjoy The O’Jays this holiday season with a brand new album of classic songs, along with two newly written soon-to-be classics.”
Jason: First of all, God, I hope one of the soon-to-be-classics is “Let’s Keep That Christmas Feeling.” Second of all, “Turn the fireplace on”?
Jeff: Him work for Saguaro Road, Jason! Him no understand how fire work!
Jason: Clearly he no understand how fire work, otherwise he fire O’Jays.
wipes tear from eye Ahh, I hate you, John Popper.
Okay, let’s find out — to pinch a phrase from Jack Feerick — how bad this can be. It’s been 19 years since you recorded a holiday album, O’Jays. Has time been kind?
Jason: Holy shit, has it really been 19 years?
Jeff: According to the press release from which I have been cutting and also pasting!
Jason: I feel old. And also nauseous.
Jeff: Awww yeah, baby.
Jason: Okay, let’s just do this.
Jeff: Which song are we going to get down to?
Jason: How about “I’m What You Want This Christmas”? Because I already disagree with the title. Vehemently.
Jeff: That’s just disgusting. Sounds perfect.
The O’Jays — I’m What You Want This Christmas (download)
Jason: Hey, that’s kind of nice.
Jeff: Okay, this is kind of pretty.
Jason: Strings, a nice, slightly scratchy voice…
Jason: Oh no. Oh shit.
Jason: We’re being sexed up, Jeff!
Jeff: “Tell Santa what you want / Make your wish”
Jason: TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
Jeff: He just said “the gift that keeps on giving”!
“Everybody wants one / We all gotta get some”!
Jason: STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP
Jeff: Wow, this is SHAMELESS. And wow, do the O’Jays not sound good.
Jason: Aren’t the O’Jays all approximately a million years old?
“Let me supply your needs!” Oh God!
Jeff: They’re not too old to supply your needs all year, Jason. Lay your lovin’ on them.
Jason: I mean, I couldn’t handle this shit from Keith Sweat. Why would I be able to handle it from his grandparents?
Jeff: This is dire. I think I just heard someone’s dentures fall out.
“Don’t need no batteries.” Oh my God.
Jason: I think he just referenced his penis as being “unbreakable.”
Jeff: And also said it has a warranty! Whoa, I think the lead singer just pooped!
Jason: I did too.
Jeff: I kind of like that electric piano. I’d like to hear more of it.
Jason: Yeah, the Wurlitzer is nice. But that is absolutely the only thing I like about this song. Ugh. Just imagine your grandfather breaking this song out.
Jeff: I’m actually imagining Rob Smith breaking it out, because he can’t say no.
Jason: I think the lead singer is having a heart attack.
Jeff: I would love to find out what would happen if Rob Smith tried to play this for his wife Christmas Eve.
Jason: I’d only want to know if he played it earnestly, like he was really trying to sex her up. Wait, hang on. I don’t want to know that either.
Jeff: This is one of the most revolting songs I’ve ever heard.
Jason: Wow. For you to say such a thing means it must really be awful.
Jeff: Don’t you agree? That was powerful skeevy.
Jason: I’m trying to think if it’s creepier than Wilie and Jessica.
Jeff: I think even Donald Fagen would be creeped out by that song.
Jason: I don’t think it’s creepier than Willie and Jessica, because there’s nobody young in the O’Jays. But man, does it come close.
Jeff: I think it’s creepier, because there are three of them.
Jason: I think I need to take three showers.
Jeff: That isn’t what you need.
Jason: Don’t tell me what I need.
Jeff: The O’Jays are what you need.
Jeff: For Christmas, and all year.
Jason: I want to hit you.
Jeff: No you don’t, because I just threw up on my shirt.
Jason: If I had one wish to make this Mellowmas season, it would be for every one of our listeners to hear this song when they’re in the bedroom with someone.
Jeff: Man, I would love that. Can you all try it, and share your experiences here in the comments with us?
Jason: …I think it’s just you and me here, Jeff. Everybody else has left.
Jeff: I dare each of you to play this for your significant other and try and hold a straight face for 10 seconds.
Jason: And an erection.
Jeff: I will give bonus points if a fire and a bearskin rug are involved, but only if the fire has been turned on.
Jason: Hang on, I’m looking up Saguaro Road on Google Maps. I know exactly what I want to send those guys for Christmas.
Jeff: Ooh! Can I chip in?
Jason: All you need is a brown bag and a match!
Jeff: Count me in!