The Twentieth Day of Mellowmas: O’Jaysmas: The Sequel

Written by Mellowmas, Music

Armed with a drum loop and enough Viagra to kill a horse, the O’Jays have returned to sex you up for Mellowmas.

Jason: Oh, Jeff. This Mellowmas season has really worn me out.

Jeff: I’m not feeling so good myself, buddy. What’s got you down?

Jason: Hm, what could it be? Could it be THREE GODDAMN WEEKS OF AWFUL CHRISTMAS MUSIC?

Jeff: But we do this every year!

Jason: And I feel like this during the last week every year! I’ll tell you, one of my only pleasures has been listening to some old, soulful Christmas classics.

Jeff: There’s nothing like some good soul music, is there?

Jason: Nope. Marvin Gaye, Otis Redding, Lou Rawls…

Jeff: Those are all wonderful artists, but you’re starting to make me nervous.

Jason: And just the other day, I was listening to one of my favorites: “Christmas Ain’t Christmas (Without the One You Love)” by the O’Jays.

Jeff: That one is okay, but I prefer “Christmas Time in the City.” Don’t you?

Jason: I think you know I do not. What year did we cover that song? Was it last year?

Jeff: I could have sworn it was at least three Mellowmases ago, but no, it was last year.

Jason: Honestly? I had forgotten all about that New Jack piece of dung.

Jeff: I just replayed the first few seconds of “Christmas Time in the City.” I had forgotten it too, but now I love it again. Aww yeah, Jason!

Jason: Yeah, I did the same thing. Except I do not love it again. So anyway, here I was, enjoying my old soulful Christmas music, and I check my inbox.

Jeff: Hey, I did that! I’m such a good friend. I mean, when you’re talking about the group that recorded “Christmas Ain’t Christmas (Without the One You Love)” AND “Christmas Time in the City,” you really can’t go wrong.

Jason: I’m just confused. Why would the O’Jays record yet another Christmas album? And why did they have a 15-year-old taking his first Photoshop class design the cover?

Jeff: There are so many artists we could ask that question about. I mean, we could get through at least three years of Mellowmas covering no one but Barry Manilow, Kenny Rogers, Kenny G, and Amy Grant. shudder

Jason: Hang on, I’m lighting a match and setting my eardrums on fire.

Jeff: I did a quick Google search and found the answer to your question about this new O’Jays Christmas album.

Jason: Enlighten us.

Jeff: “To celebrate their fans’ devotion over the years, they are providing them with the perfect holiday gift – a brand new holiday release.”

Jason: I see it’s on Saguaro Road Records. “Saguaro” is Spanish for “washed-up.”

Jeff: Yes, and in the press release, Eddie Levert says “This was one of the fastest records I ever recorded,” as if that’s a good thing. I believe Marc Cohn’s horrible covers album also came out on Saguaro Road. I wonder which is worse?

Jason: O’Jays, because there’s only one of Marc Cohn. There are, what, fifteen O’Jays?

Jeff: Oh! I have some advice from the senior vice president of retail at Saguaro Road Records!

Jason: Uh-oh.

Jeff: ““Turn the fireplace on, pour yourself eggnog and enjoy The O’Jays this holiday season with a brand new album of classic songs, along with two newly written soon-to-be classics.”

Jason: First of all, God, I hope one of the soon-to-be-classics is “Let’s Keep That Christmas Feeling.” Second of all, “Turn the fireplace on”?

Jeff: Him work for Saguaro Road, Jason! Him no understand how fire work!

Jason: Clearly he no understand how fire work, otherwise he fire O’Jays.

Jeff: rimshot
harmonica solo
wipes tear from eye
Ahh, I hate you, John Popper.

Okay, let’s find out — to pinch a phrase from Jack Feerick — how bad this can be. It’s been 19 years since you recorded a holiday album, O’Jays. Has time been kind?

Jason: Holy shit, has it really been 19 years?

Jeff: According to the press release from which I have been cutting and also pasting!

Jason: I feel old. And also nauseous.

Jeff: Awww yeah, baby.

Jason: Okay, let’s just do this.

Jeff: Which song are we going to get down to?

Jason: How about “I’m What You Want This Christmas”? Because I already disagree with the title. Vehemently.

Jeff: That’s just disgusting. Sounds perfect.

The O’Jays — I’m What You Want This Christmas (download)

From Christmas With the O’Jays

Jason: Hey, that’s kind of nice.

Jeff: Okay, this is kind of pretty.

Jason: Strings, a nice, slightly scratchy voice…

Jeff: Although…

Jason: Oh no. Oh shit.

Jeff: Oof.

Jason: We’re being sexed up, Jeff!

Jeff: “Tell Santa what you want / Make your wish”

Jason: TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!

Jeff: He just said “the gift that keeps on giving”!
“Everybody wants one / We all gotta get some”!

Jason: STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP

Jeff: Wow, this is SHAMELESS. And wow, do the O’Jays not sound good.

Jason: Aren’t the O’Jays all approximately a million years old?
“Let me supply your needs!” Oh God!

Jeff: They’re not too old to supply your needs all year, Jason. Lay your lovin’ on them.

Jason: I mean, I couldn’t handle this shit from Keith Sweat. Why would I be able to handle it from his grandparents?

Jeff: This is dire. I think I just heard someone’s dentures fall out.
“Don’t need no batteries.” Oh my God.

Jason: I think he just referenced his penis as being “unbreakable.”

Jeff: And also said it has a warranty! Whoa, I think the lead singer just pooped!

Jason: I did too.

Jeff: I kind of like that electric piano. I’d like to hear more of it.

Jason: Yeah, the Wurlitzer is nice. But that is absolutely the only thing I like about this song. Ugh. Just imagine your grandfather breaking this song out.

Jeff: I’m actually imagining Rob Smith breaking it out, because he can’t say no.

Jason: I think the lead singer is having a heart attack.

Jeff: I would love to find out what would happen if Rob Smith tried to play this for his wife Christmas Eve.

Jason: I’d only want to know if he played it earnestly, like he was really trying to sex her up. Wait, hang on. I don’t want to know that either.

Jeff: This is one of the most revolting songs I’ve ever heard.

Jason: Wow. For you to say such a thing means it must really be awful.

Jeff: Don’t you agree? That was powerful skeevy.

Jason: I’m trying to think if it’s creepier than Wilie and Jessica.

Jeff: I think even Donald Fagen would be creeped out by that song.

Jason: I don’t think it’s creepier than Willie and Jessica, because there’s nobody young in the O’Jays. But man, does it come close.

Jeff: I think it’s creepier, because there are three of them.

Jason: I think I need to take three showers.

Jeff: That isn’t what you need.

Jason: Don’t tell me what I need.

Jeff: The O’Jays are what you need.

Jason: Fuck.

Jeff: For Christmas, and all year.

Jason: I want to hit you.

Jeff: No you don’t, because I just threw up on my shirt.

Jason: If I had one wish to make this Mellowmas season, it would be for every one of our listeners to hear this song when they’re in the bedroom with someone.

Jeff: Man, I would love that. Can you all try it, and share your experiences here in the comments with us?

Jason: …I think it’s just you and me here, Jeff. Everybody else has left.

Jeff: I dare each of you to play this for your significant other and try and hold a straight face for 10 seconds.

Jason: And an erection.

Jeff: I will give bonus points if a fire and a bearskin rug are involved, but only if the fire has been turned on.

Jason: Hang on, I’m looking up Saguaro Road on Google Maps. I know exactly what I want to send those guys for Christmas.

Jeff: Ooh! Can I chip in?

Jason: All you need is a brown bag and a match!

Jeff: Count me in!