The Twenty-Fifth Day of Mellowmas: Oh God, So Terribly Inappropriatemas

Jason: Huh. We’re finally at the very end of this horrible, horrible season. And yet, I don’t know what Mellowmas song I want to listen to today.

Jeff: “None”?

Jason: You and I both know that’s not an option.

Jeff: You know, we’ve listened to dozens of songs over the years.

Jason: We have.

Jeff: And our discussion often turns to motivation. As in: why did these artists do these awful things?

Jason: Yes.

Jeff: Usually, we agree it’s about money.

Jason: Yes. Even though some of these artists don’t stand a chance of making a cent.

Jeff: I mean, I’m pretty sure Kenny G, Amy Grant, and McD have all bought islands with their Christmas music royalties. But sometimes these albums are recorded because the artists really, really love Christmas.

Jason: I think they all live next door to each other, actually.

Jeff: Like Jim Nabors. Remember that one?

Jason: Of course I do. Rest in peace, Jim Nabors.

Jeff: But what if you didn’t love Christmas so much as you loved Santa?

Jason: Well, I can understand that. Lots of people don’t think of the religion behind Christmas. They think of the fat red guy who brings presents. (I mean Santa, not Carnie Wilson.)

Jeff: And by “love,” I mean “had four minutes and 23 seconds of corked up pornographic fantasies about Santa, along with a home studio and either an emotional disability or a raging drug problem”?

Do you know what I’m getting at here, Jason?

Jason: …uh…I think I do, but it seems too unbelievable that you’re suggesting what I think you’re suggesting.

Jeff: Before today, I would have agreed with you. Sadly, Mellowmas has carved away another chunk of my innocence.

Jason: Let me add this up: Coked-up pornographic fantasies. Emotional disability or a raging drug problem.

….Fred Schneider?

Jeff: sigh Bingo.

Jason: ….AGAIN?

Jeff: sigh Again.

Jason: Does this mean you finally digested your FRUITCAAAAAAAAYKE!?

Jeff: Yes, and out came a song called “Santa Je T’aime.”

Jason: Smells awful.

Jeff: Have you ever wondered what it sounds like when a middle-aged man sits down at a cheap synthesizer in the middle of the night?

Jason: I had no idea Dave Lifton owned a synthesizer.

Jeff: Heyooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Jason: BONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!

Jeff: After you hear this, you will wish we were listening to Dave Lifton.

Jason: Wow. That bad, huh?

Jeff: Next to this, “A Very Dave Lifton Christmas” would have to sound like a Grammy-winning holiday masterpiece.

Jason: I can’t believe we’re going back to Fred Schneider.

Jeff: Neither can I. But I’ve developed a sort of strange fascination with this album.

Jason: I have to admit, I’ve caught myself singing “FRUITCAKE!” a few times.

Jeff: I think it’s a cry for help.

Jason: And by “a few times,” I mean “every night before bed.”

Jeff: Are you still married?

Jason: Yes, but I don’t know how. I get gayer every time I sing it.

Jeff: I thought maybe Jess had locked herself in the bathroom since December 1.

Jason: Also, when I sing it, I do jazz hands.

Jeff: Now I have the mental image of Roy Scheider screaming “Fruitcake.” This keeps getting worse. Want to see how bad it can get?

Jason: No. And by no, I mean “FRUITCAAAAYYYKE!”

Jeff: Fruitcake!

Fred Schneider and the Superions – Santa Je T’aime
Jason: More keyboard bass!

Jeff: Ah, there’s that Superion sound.

Jason: Oooh, rave-y.

Jingle bells.

Wait, WHAT?

Jeff: Yes, you did just hear that.

Jason: I wish you could see my face right now. Hang on, I’ll take a picture.

Jeff: So, um, what we have here is Fred Schneider moaning Santa’s name, and then Fred Schneider AS Santa, booming “Ho, ho, ho.”

Jason: I….I feel so dirty. This is ABYSMAL.

Jeff: Yeah, this is pretty much the worst thing ever. And we’re less than halfway through!

Jason: I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS SONG

THIS SONG IS RAPING CHRISTMAS

Jeff: Almost two more minutes to go! It’s amazing IN THE WORST WAY.

Jason: I swear I just heard Santa go “HO HO HO…OOH.”

Jeff: This song would be bad enough if it had been 20 seconds long, but it’s one of the longest tracks on the album.

Jason: Why….why would they….why?

Jeff: It’s just nonsense. And “they” who? I guarantee it’s just Fred Schneider and lots of drugs.

Jason: Jeff, I feel so awful inside.

And I also feel awful outside.

I think this is actually worse than Shelley Duvall.

Jeff: Oh, by far. Shelley Duvall’s holiday music, while dreadful, came from an innocent place. This song came from the darkest corner of Fred Schneider’s rave-wearied heart.

Jason: Look, I think I’ve established, through the years, that very little is sacred to me. BUT YOU CANNOT SEX UP SANTA. You can be a little playful and sultry with him, like Eartha Kitt.

Jeff: Right.

Jason: Hell, you can even kiss him like your mother did. Poor Santa now has herpes, but whatever. But this song implies that Santa is doing nasty things, perhaps involving a pine cone.

Jeff: I completely agree. Also, Fred Schneider sounds tired here — and I mean that in the scary, bleary-eyed, pre-dawn way, not in the adorable tuck-me-in way. His vocals sound wrinkled. It’s fucking disturbing.

Jason: That’s not all that sounds wrinkled.

Jeff: It’s, like, “The Shining” of Mellowmas.

Jason: I’m not 100% positive, but this might be the WORST SONG WE HAVE EVER COVERED.

Jeff: To recap: We just heard Fred Schneider being diddled by Santa.

Who was also played by Fred Schneider.

Jason: I DON’T NEED A RECAP. I NEED A GUN.

Jeff: And penicillin!

Jason: How am I going to sleep tonight? And by “tonight,” I mean “EVER AGAIN”?

Jeff: With Fred Schneider moaning in your ear! I’m going to offer your wife $100 to moan “Oh, Santa” the next time you guys are having sex.

Jason: Hey man, $100 is $100. For $100, I’ll go “HO HO HO” in that awful Fred-Schneider accent.

Jeff: Really? Because I don’t think I’d risk that kind of boner killer for $1,000. The equipment may never work again.

Jason: I feel so sick right now.

Jeff: You should. All decent human beings should. I’m writing to the UN.

Jason: Remember that Onion article, “Gay-Pride Parade Sets Mainstream Acceptance Of Gays Back 50 Years”?

Jeff: I do. I wonder if Schneider read it, thought it was real, and took it as a dare.

Jason: “I’d always thought gays were regular people, just like you and me, and that the stereotype of homosexuals as hedonistic, sex-crazed deviants was just a destructive myth,” said mother of four Hannah Jarrett, 41, mortified at the sight of 17 tanned and oiled boys cavorting in jock straps to a throbbing techno beat on a float shaped like an enormous phallus. “Boy, oh, boy, was I wrong.”

Thank you, Fred Schneider, for doing your part.

I…I have to go. I have to go pour boiling hot water over my skin.

Jeff: While you’re having your Silkwood Mellowmas, just remember: things seem pretty bleak right now, but they can only get better. Unless Howard Jones makes a Christmas record. Then we’re fucked.

Jason: Howard Jones would not stoop so low as to make a record moaning about Santa. Before today, I didn’t think ANYBODY would stoop that low.

Jeff: I think it was probably more of a squat than a stoop, but I agree with you.

Jason: Were your kids around when you played this song?

Jeff: Why, are you on the phone with CPS?

Jason: I’m just curious. Last time you played Fred Schneider, you said your kids wound up hitting each other.

Jeff: Yeah, and then they started singing “Fruitcake.” No way I was going to risk that again.

Jason: applauds wildly Yeah, and you also knew that if they heard it, they’d be scarred for life.

Jeff: One day they’ll read these entries and understand the sacrifices I made for them.

Jason: Well, folks, hope you’ve enjoyed today’s song. I’d love it if you sent in pictures of what your face looked like as you listened to this song.

Jeff: Yes! Do that! We’ll send them all to Fred Schneider. A Mellowmas shaming.

Jason: We should go to shopping malls across the country and make the store Santas listen to this. Can you imagine?

Jeff: I can imagine the nights we’d spend in jail! Filled with a very different sort of moaning.

Jason: Lots of people yelling “FRUITCAKE,” though.

Jeff: That boiling water you mentioned sounds pretty good right about now. I think I’ll go try that.

Jason: I don’t think it’s going to work, but good luck! Je t’aime, Jeff.

Jeff: shudder




  • Matt

    Fellas, it’s 5:30 am on Christmas, and I’m up early waiting for the kids to inevitably be up early too.

    I just listened to this song, and now I know this will be the best Christmas ever. Know why?

    Because after that, there is no conceivable way it could possibly get worse.

    After hearing this, it’s clear what Scneider’s up to here. This is a holiday album recorded exclusively to be played very loud in the background at gay bars. Gay bars with really shitty taste.

    You’ve done it again, gents kudos. Merry Christmas!

  • Scott W

    The video is something to behold, preferably while drunk. There’s a Santa hat that will haunt my dreams for a long time to come

  • EightE1

    “Shudder” is right. My God …

    Merry Mellowmas, guys. Thank you for another season of pain. And may Jim Nabors rest in peace, even though he’s not dead.

  • http://genxsingalong.wordpress.com Gigi

    1. STOP PICKING ON FRED SCHNEIDER! Geez.
    2. Surely you are aware of John Waters’ Xmas album? Not that he sings any of the songs, but his essence is all over the place. There is no Santa sex, but I bet if he does another holiday compilation, “Santa Je T’Aime” will be on it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/hcurtisshannon Curt Shannon

    Someone should do a mash-up of Donna Summer and Fred. Donna: “Love to love you baby…” Fred: “Ho Ho Ho.”

  • http://arensb.livejournal.com/ arensb

    I assume you mean the one at the 1:17 mark? If so, I agree. I didn’t think it was possible for a Santa hat to be so disturbingly WTF.

  • http://www.popdose.com DwDunphy

    Is it normal that I just ripped off my headphones and set them on fire?

  • http://www.wingsforwheels.net dslifton

    More me!

  • http://mostlymodernmedia.wordpress.com Beau

    AllMusic claims this is a knockoff of someone’s “heavy breathing classic” and gives the album four stars.

    Honestly, is it worse than “Santa Baby”? OK, yes, it probably is.

    As far as a rule against “sexing up Santa,” I think we need to make an exception for Lauren Graham.

  • http://www.jasonhare.com Anonymous

    1. He deserves it.
    2. I’m not, nor have I seen Bad Santa. I’m sure I will hear/see both at some point. Right now, I reserve my right to remain appalled.

  • http://www.jasonhare.com Anonymous

    Yeah, we actually received a number of press releases about this album, and one of them mentioned it was a “twisted ode to Serge Gainsbourg’s infamously banned-by-the-BBC song, ‘Je T’aime’ and frankly, probably doesn’t help Serge’s obscenity argument much.”

  • http://genxsingalong.wordpress.com Gigi

    I never knew you guys were so vanilla.

  • http://genxsingalong.wordpress.com Gigi

    I never knew you guys were so vanilla.

  • http://popdose.com Anonymous

    The thing is, Serge Gainsbourg was at least a CLEVER dirty old man.
    Fred, on the other hand, is now just a dirty old man (he’ll be 60 in a few months, so I think I’m safe calling him that) who hasn’t been clever for at least 15 years.
    In other words, if you want to make a song about shtupping Santa, at least put some effort into it (the song, not the shtupping. Well, maybe both).

  • http://popdose.com Anonymous

    They may be vanilla, but this song is Pralines and Shit.

  • Anonymous

    Is the video an official? I didn’t see anyone that looked like Fred up in there. As for the track, wow. How bad is it when you’re getting it on with Santa and you’re fighting the urge to fall asleep, even with synths in the background?