Jason: Hey there, Jeff! Man, the air is crisp today! I’m feeling good!
Jeff: Oh, I was hoping you’d say that.
Jason: This fucking holiday is almost over! December 26th just gets closer and closer.
Jeff: Yes, and then this Christmas will become last Christmas.
Jason: Well…yes. That’s true. This Christmas will become last WAIT A SECOND
Jeff: Remember last Christmas, Jason?
Jason: No. No. No. No. No.
Jeff: I gave you my heart.
Jason: You did not, in fact, give me your heart.
Jeff: And an autographed photo of the cast of Family Ties.
Jason: You did give me that.
Jeff: The very next day, you gave it away.
Jason: I traded it in for an autographed photo of Richard Moll!
Jeff: This year, Jason, guess what?
Let me guess: an autographed photo of Conrad Bain? Because I received that gift, thank you very much.
Jeff: Yes! But also we get to listen to a new cover of your favorite Christmas song! “Last Christmas”! By Ariana Grande!
Jason: Jeff, you son of a bitch. We talked about this. Plus, what the hell is an Ariana Grande?
Jeff: All the boys and girls love Ariana Grande! For different reasons, I think, but whatever.
She’s the new Mariah Carey!
Jason: She’s being run by Tommy Mottola?
Jeff: I’m only telling you what I myself have been told. She had a hit single awhile back that I liked the first hundred times I heard it, but now I can’t remember what it was called.
Jeff: Plus, she’s on Nickelodeon! Just the type of artist you love to hear covering “Last Christmas.”
Jason: *looks for long-lost bottle of furniture polish to chug*
Jeff, you have tortured me with “Last Christmas” covers for as long as I can remember. Last year, it was somebody named Nadine, I think.
Jeff: It’s a tradition within a tradition!
Jason: It’s awful within awful!
Jason: This isn’t Last Christmas.
Jeff: Ariana Grande will not be constrained by original lyrics.
Jason: Oh wait. NOW it’s Last Christmas.
Jeff: I kind of dig that funk guitar that’s hiding in the mix.
Jason: Okay, this isn’t THAT bad.
Jeff: Is this the first “Last Christmas” we’ve covered that has b-boy chants?
Jason: Again: THESE ARE NOT THE LYRICS.
Jeff: Ariana heard the lyrics and thought they needed improving, Jason. Hey, new bridge! This is exciting.
Jason: That’s not a bridge. But that IS a key change.
Jeff: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Jason: This is just making me grumpy.
Jeff: It would be awesome if Andrew Ridgeley played on this, by which I mean “shook a tambourine.”
Jason: This song never needed any covers. I wonder what George Michael thinks of this? I don’t think George Michael has said a word in like a year.
Jeff: I wonder if he gets sole writing credit, actually. According to Allmusic, he does!
Jason: Are you serious? Wow!
Jeff: That’s the kind of songwriting George Michael likes to do these days! Hey, Babyface produced this.
Jason: Oh great. You can go discuss this with two other people, then.
Jeff: “Well, I love it. It feels good,” Grande told MTV when asked why she covered “Last Christmas.” “But it has a melancholy lyric, so I like that, it’s interesting and it seems to be one of the favorites that everyone loves and we put a really fun twist on it. We took the chorus and then we rewrote the verses and all that stuff, very excited.
Jason: Guess what? The chorus is still melancholy.
Jeff: Asked to reveal her Christmas songwriting secrets, she replied, “You just write about your feelings and throw in a fireplace here and there, a sensible mistletoe lyric, and you got it.”
Totally a real quote, by the way. Ariana “Irving Berlin” Grande.
Jason: Wow. She’s kind of…a genius. Well, that’s it for “Last Christmas,” right?
Jeff: Are you asking me to start trolling Amazon for other “Last Christmas” covers? Okay, fine. You want to challenge me? Let’s do this! MORE “LAST CHRISTMAS”
Jason: No, no, no, that’s not what I meant! I just wanted to see if I could leave for the d…oh goddammit.
Jeff: Jason, I give you Stardeath and the White Dwarfs!
Jason: Fake record sounds.
Jeff: Ah, the crackle of vinyl. Oh, wait. I see what’s going on here.
Jason: I think this, too, will avoid “melancholy.”
Jeff: As well as “intelligibility.”
Jeff: Is this Bright Eyes?
Jason: I WAS JUST ABOUT TO ASK YOU THE SAME THING
Jeff: Or the Polyphonic Spree? The Flaming Lips, mayhap?
Jason: I wish agonized people would just go become plumbers or something.
Jeff: “Stardeath and White Dwarfs is an experimental rock band from Norman, Oklahoma, formed in late 2004.”
Jason: I hate so many words in that sentence.
Jeff: “Lead singer Dennis Coyne is the nephew of Flaming Lips lead singer Wayne Coyne.”
Jason: You’re a genius. I don’t know how you did that, but I love/hate you for it.
Jeff: Yuck! That was awful. That wasn’t my kind of “Last Christmas” at all.
Jason: Is that enough to stop you for the rest of this season? Please say yes. Please, please, please. I have suffered at the hands of an Ariana Grande, whatever that is, as well as at least one or two White Dwarves, one whom might be related to a Flaming Lip.
Jeff: I wonder if anyone has covered “Last Christmas (Pudding Mix).”
Jason: You son of a bitch.