The Twenty-First Day of Mellowmas: Moogmas

Jason:When was the last time we covered a purely instrumental track, do you remember?

Jeff: I don’t, but I think we should keep going. Let’s see how long we can go without covering one.

Jason: Oh, I disagree.

Jeff: Also, I swear to God, if you found another Singing Saw record I’m going to gut you like a fish.

Jason: Here’s what I remember.

2007: Disco.

Jeff: Yes, which was awful.

Jason: 2008: Singing saw.

…and that’s all I remember.


Jason: I could be wrong, but this would mean that we haven’t covered an instrumental for Mellowmas in three years.

Jeff: Let’s make it six! Or sixteen!

Jason: And these posts have a theme, have you noticed?

Jeff: Yes, and I’ve been pointing it out repeatedly.

Jason: Finally, I get to do the leprechaun dance.

Jeff: shakes fist; steam comes out of ears

All right, you ass. What horrible instrumental do you have in store for us today?

Jason: Well, first, a little backstory.

Jeff: I hate it when there’s backstory.

Jason: We have parties at my apartment from time to time. Birthdays, holidays, that kind of thing. There’s often a point where I feel like it’s time for everybody to get out so I can go to sleep. It used to be around 3 or 4 AM, but I’m old now, so it’s usually around 2 AM.

Jeff: When I didn’t have kids and could throw parties, there was a guy I’d always invite for that purpose. He’d just pull his pants down and run around.

Jason: The first few parties we had, people just weren’t leaving. Then, at one party, just for fun, I put on “Hotel California” — but not by the Eagles. By the Moog Cookbook.

Jeff: Moog! The synth whose name doesn’t sound the way it looks!

Jason: And suddenly, everyone was like, “Wow, it’s getting late, I should get going…” And I realized something: Moog makes people head for the hills. Or at least the streets of Queens.

Jeff: It’s the second-most evil synthesizer. After the Theremin.

Jason: So…

In that spirit…

dramatic pause

I present to you a gem from 1969.

Jeff: We already did Mellowmas of ’69!

The Moog Machine, "Christmas Becomes Electric"

Jason: The Moog Machine: Christmas Becomes Electric.

Jeff: This is not real.

Jason: Oh, yes it is.

Jeff: Fuck you. THIS IS NOT REAL.

Jason: leprechaun dance

Jeff: But I don’t want to listen to Moog Christmas music!

Jason: I don’t want to listen to ANYTHING you send me! Sit the fuck down and queue up the track I have chosen.

Jeff: “O Holy Night.” How deeply ironic.

Jason: leprechaun dance

Jeff: Get it all out, you bastard. I will have my revenge.

The Moog Machine, “O Holy Night” (download)
The Moog Machine, "Christmas Becomes Electric"

Jeff: Are we watching a PBS science documentary from the ’70s?

Jason: wahwahwahwahwahwah

Jeff: I feel like Carl Sagan should start talkin…oh wait, there’s the melody.

Jason: It’s almost singing saw-ish! Two wahwahwahwahwahwahs!

Jeff: Not coincidentally, I’m almost sick!

Jason: Four synths playing now! FIVE!

Do you like it? Say you like it.


Jason: la la la la la la la

Jeff: All this needs is Vanessa Carlton.

Jason: I think there’s like six keyboards now!

Jeff: This has been the longest minute and 50 seconds I can remember spending.

Jason: Waaaaah on your waaaaaaaah

Jeff: I fall on my knees!

Jason: And waaaaaaaaaah the angel wahhhhhhhhhhh

Jeff: I hear the synths’ voices!

Jason: oh, wahhhhhhhhhh

Jeff: O night divine!

Jason: when waaaaah was waaaaaaaaaaahhhhh

Jeff: The night when Jason gets hit by a train!

Well, UGH.

Jason: Oh, come on! It wasn’t that bad!

Jeff: Not compared to some of the other stuff we’ve listened to, or getting mugged. But was there anything remotedly Christmasy about it? No. No there was not.

Jason: What? The melody was all there!

Jeff: That isn’t the point and you know it!

Jason: So if I’m hearing you correctly, you feel like you want something more Christmasy in your Moog. Because I can make this happen.

Jeff: You are NOT hearing me correctly, and I want Moog OUT of my Christmas. “Moog” and “Christmas” are antonyms.

Jason: Huh. I think Gmail is trying to get your attention.

Jeff: You stupid dick. “The Moog Noel.”

Jason: PLAY IT

Jeff: At least this one is less than 90 seconds long. I’m strong enough!

The Moog Machine, “The First Noel” (download)
The Moog Machine, "Christmas Becomes Electric"


Jason: The first waaaaaaahhhhh

Jeff: This sounds like a greeting card!

Jason: the waaaaaah did waaaaaaaahhhh

Jeff: Oh, I just got queasy. That shift, or whatever the hell happened a few seconds ago — I’d say it went out of tune, but that doesn’t seem appropriate.

Jason: There’s like a steel drum-y synth now! BORN IS THE WAAAAH OF IS-WAHHHHH-EL

Jeff: I feel like I’m trapped in a toy store after dark, and no one can hear me screaming for help.

Jason: Good. Now GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.

Jeff: The scary Poltergeist clown is choking me, Jason! I can’t breathe.

Waaaaaah waaaaah waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhggghghghh.

Jason: Yaaaaaay!

  • dslifton

    At least today’s songs are mercifully short.

  • Beau

    If Rick Wakeman had heard this, I think he would said, “Forget this — I’m switching to drums.”

  • Michael Burke

    Aww, the Moog ran out of keys for the high note.

    Jeff confuses me, he sends people the likes of Fred Figglehorn and Shelly Duvall, cackling like a demon, and cries over 90 seconds of Moog?

  • Ted

    Since this is a, um, celebration of horrible religious music. I think I’ve found a good icon to replace baby Jesus.

  • Anonymous

    H’ray! Best entry to date this year, even if “The First Nooooooooooooel” undersells the ending.

    Can you send me the full album, Mr. Hare? PLEEEEEEEEZ? *hops in place in anticipation of leprechaun dance*

  • Anonymous

    Jeff’s really only faking horror because he’s embarrassed that his idea was already taken

  • Anonymous

    Now my co-workers are asking why I’m crying.  Thanks, Melowmas.

  • Anonymous

    I was listening to NPR’s All Songs Considered holiday music special and it featured a cover of “Zat You, Santa Claus?” by Julian “Singing Saw” Koster. It was worse than anything I’ve heard on Mellowmas thus far this year. You have been warned. Oh, and the announcer mentioned that Koster travels around doing house concerts at this time of year. I totally want to send him to Jason’s house.

  • jefito

    That’s an outstanding idea. I wonder how much he’d charge…

  • Anonymous

    Really? Because I think it’s an AWFUL idea. I already have a singing saw in my neighborhood and it’s quite enough, thank you very much.

    (PS Sue, I’m a big fan!)

  • Anonymous
  • jefito

    I think I just figured out how we’re going to finish next Mellowmas.

  • Anonymous

  • jabartlett

    Somewhere in my archives I have a Moog Machine version of “Ziggy Stardust,” as well as an album called “Plastic Cow Goes Moog” by Mike Melvoin, which features the least bad-ass version of “Sunshine of Your Love” ever recorded. They are both terribly wrong.

  • Anonymous

    leprechaun dance!