Jason: Let me guess. It’s like this.
Jeff: Here we are.
Jason: Here we are.
Jeff: Heeeeeeeere we fucking are.
Jason: One day left!
Jeff: Another Mellowmas Eve.
Jason: What a season we’ve had!
Jeff: I’m so festive I could pee all over the floor!
Jason: Oh, you’re just like Gina Naomi Baez’s puppy! You know, the one for Christmas!
Jeff: Tinkerbe-e-e-e-e-ll-e? That little scamp.
Jason: I thought Jane Wiedlin was the little scamp?
Jeff: Only if you’re naughty, Jason.
Jeff: We’ve been through some shit over the last few weeks, you and I.
Jason: They say that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, but I think that’s bullshit.
Jeff: I’m in need of a little pick-me-up.
Jason: Me too! I’m in need of a little pick-me-up-and-throw-me-into-traffic.
Jeff: I’m glad you said that! I have just the thing for you.
Jason: You know, normally I’d be scared, but not today. Today is Mellowmas Eve. I have like one day left. I may be shaky, but I think I can do this.
Jeff: I think you’re going to feel a lot better after today. I’ve put together a special Mellowmas Eve playlist just for you.
Jason: A whole playlist? Like, more than one song? How many songs we talkin’?
Jeff: I’ve lost count. Four? Five? Think of it as a sort of bonus Mellowmas EP.
Jason: Five? You never do that many. Unless you’re talking about covers of OH NO
Jeff: [points at nose, points at you]
Jason: OH NO NO NO NO NO NO
Jeff: It’s “Last Christmas” day, Jason! You’re so excited.
THIS. FUCKING. SONG.
Jeff: There are SO MANY COVERS of this song, Jason. We could do another 10 years of Mellowmas and just talk about “Last Christmas.”
A song which you love!
Jason: How many times do I have to say this? I love the original. THAT’S IT.
Jeff: Well, but there’s only one of the original. What can you do after it’s finished playing? That’s when you need other versions.
Fortunately, so many artists — so many! — are here to oblige.
Jason: I can do like all the radio stations do, and play it again in the next hour. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME. I was going to have such a wonderful night!
Jeff: Because Mellowmas. Now then. I have an EXTRA special surprise for you.
Fine. Let’s do this.
Jeff: Remember Michael Bubble, Jason? The guy who is not quite Michael Buble on paper, and oh so totally not Michael Buble on record?
Jason: Yeah, yeah. I remember him.
Jeff: GUESS WHAT HE COVERED.
Jason: LAST CHRISTMAS.
Jeff: YES! So much Mellowmas, all in one song!
Jason: Let’s just do this. We have four more versions to go.
Jeff: I love your enthusiasm.
Jason: It’s…close to the original backing track…but not quite?
Jeff: This backing track, by the way, is on like half of all “Last Christmas” covers.
Jason: Oh great, he’s singing. An octave lower.
Jeff: And with a heck of a lot less passion, I have to say. Put your back into it, Bubble!
Jason: He is totally using a karaoke track.
Jeff: I’m telling you, a TON of people have used this. I just skimmed through like 40 “Last Christmas” covers, and heard this backing track over and over again.
Jason: He started the first verse way too early. Lucky for him, the chords never change.
He’s totally off right now.
Jeff: Michael Bubble is never not totally off. Fortunately, these drums are killing it.
Jason: Yes. Killing it.
Jeff: I love the way he sings “Oh, oh my baby.” So much feeling. Also the way he sings “spe-shall.”
Jason: Somehow he got back on track, and I don’t know how he did it.
Jeff: It’s that old Bubble magic, man. What do you think would happen if George Michael walked into a karaoke bar where Michael Bubble was doing this?
Jason: I think we both know what would happen.
Jeff: I’m imagining George slapping him with a glove.
Jason: George Michael would have sex with him.
Jason: Oh. Well, we could be talking about the same thing, you never know.
Jeff: Instrumental fadeout only!
Jason: Oh good, a fadeout where his vocals don’t actually fade out correspondingly.
Well, that’s done. Can I go now?
Jeff: Why would you want to go when we still have so much more “Last Christmas”? We can’t end without listening to Jana’s version, can we?
Jason: Who the hell is Jana?
Jeff: Jana is a singer who has great taste in cover material, DUH. As a bonus, she is not, most likely, a native English speaker.
Jason: I don’t even know what to say to you right now.
Jeff: Different backing track!
Jason: Different key!
Jeff: Different accent!
Jason: And zuh very next day?
Jeff: I think this is Tina Fey playing her Muppets Most Wanted character.
Jason: You sanit from tears?
Jeff: Ah gibbit to sahmun special
Jason: Once bitten and twice chy!
Jeff: She has a lot more invested in this than Michael Bubble did, that’s for sure.
I rubbed it up and sanit
Jeff: I do love the way she pronounces the title.
Jason: Lost Christmas! That’s how I feel!
You sanit from tears, Jeff.
Jeff: Ah gibbit!
Jason: You gibbit away. You sanit from tears.
Jeff: Admit it, this is sort of the new definitive version.
Jason: This is what this holiday has come to. We’re just talking to each other in gibberish.
Jeff: This is the version Mike Duquette should have produced this year.
Jason: Can’t argue that. He also would have sanit from tears.
Jeff: Well, that was pretty, but now I think we need to rock. Would you like to rock, Jason?
Jason: What the hell. Sure. I would like to rock.
Jeff: The Rock Heroes are here to help you accomplish that goal, my friend. They contributed their own special cover of “Last Christmas” to the Heavy Metal Christmas album, which I’m stunned we haven’t already covered.
Jason: I don’t believe you. I could have sworn that’s where we got VERGISSMEINNICHT.
Jeff: I think that was Melodic Metal Dreams for Xmas or something. Anyway, point is, the Rock Heroes gave you their heart. I think we should hear what happened next.
Jeff: *polite devil horns*
Jason: Uh, nice album cover.
Jeff: Better than the vocals, though, right?
Jason: Look at the weird face that appears when the hair meets in the middle. That’s the face of nightmares.
This is…not heavy metal. Tell me babeh. Do you recognize meh?
Jeff: I wonder how many of the people involved in this track also track sessions for those Cleopatra rock “tribute” records.
Jason: I DO recognize “meh.” It’s this track.
Jeff: Andrew Ridgeley could never rock this hard.
Jason: Well, yes. But what’s that saying? I’m pretty sure he wasn’t on the original track.
Jeff: This man’s relationship with the meter is … casual.
Jason: The whole song is just so benign. Like, they’re not even pretending to be “heavy metal.”
Jeff: I know, which I love. I need to find out what else is on this record, and where it was sold.
Jason: You do that. I’m going to go to bed.
Jeff: That sounds like a great idea. But first! We need to end our journey with a little something extra. Have you ever wanted to go to Scotland, Jason?
Jason: Sure? It seems like an interesting NO WAIT A SECOND NO I HAVE NOT EVER WANTED TO GO TO SCOTLAND
Jeff: You know what would be new and cool and different? “Last Christmas” with bagpipes.
Someone DID that? WHY?
Jeff: Because this is the Christmas standard that transcends national and generational boundaries! As well as those of taste! And common sense!
Jason: You’re wearing me down. I barely have strength to argue.
Jeff: This is going to be awesome.
Jason: Wow, the backing track is even worse than Bubble’s version.
Jeff: Just imagine how the bagpipes will go with this.
Ah, there they are.
Jason: Hang on. I have to put these headphones on my wife. She HAS to hear this. It’ll make her miss the Singing Saw.
Jeff: Now I want the Singing Saw to meet the Out-of-Place Bagpipe.
Jason: She is not amused.
Jeff: I wish I could see video footage of how this was made. I’m imagining one lonely dude with a synth and a bagpipe.
Jason: She thinks there’s a fake horn playing on top of the bagpipe, but I think that may actually just be the bagpipe.
Jeff: Last bagpipe / I gave you my kilt
The very next day / You insulted George Michael
Jason: Crowded room! Friends with haggis eyes!
There’s a full minute left. It won’t end.
Jeff: Who’d want it to end? This is outstanding.
Jason: Ahhh, sweet, sweet fadeout.
Jeff: Nothin’ like a good, long fadeout for Mellowmas.
Well, I feel refreshed.
Jason: I wish my oxygen supply would fadeout.
Jeff: I was down in the dumps before, but now I’m ready to tackle whatever tomorrow brings.
Jason: Oh good! This means we’re done?
Jeff: Where do you go after “Last Christmas” bagpipes?
Jason: To the garage, with the car running?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find our track for tomorrow.
Jeff: *gasp* YOU find the track for tomorrow? I thought Santa did it!
Jason: I’m just looking through the playlist and WHY IS THERE ANOTHER VERSION OF LAST CHRISTMAS ON HERE
Carole King? CAROLE KING?!?!?
Jeff: *claps with glee*
Jason: This is my fault.
Jeff: Santa IS real!
Jeff: So tasteful.
Jason: Finally, someone nails the true opening to this song! This might redeem the whole Eve!
Jeff: Hey, do you have any smokes? Carole wants to know.
Jason: Jeff, why can’t Carole King afford real drums?
Jeff: You know perfectly well she could afford the state of Colorado if she wanted to.
Jason: Do you think she purposely recorded this version just so I would find it and get upset?
Jeff: She’s got other shit to do, man. Investments to keep track of. She can’t be bothered with a band, or other human voices on her songs.
Jason: I remember when we last covered Carole.
Jeff: I remember too! We were both so excited that such a truly mellow artist had made a Christmas album. And then it turned out to be garbage, of course.
Jason: Yup. This version is just…weird.
Jeff: That piano is peppy, I’ll give it that much.
Jason: I don’t mind her harmonizing with herself. But it sounds so sanitized. And what a weird fadeout.
Jeff: I don’t mind her voice all that much, really. It still has a warmth to it. But when she goes for those high notes, man…she belongs on a fence with her back arched toward the moon while someone throws a cartoon shoe at her.
Jason: So that was what, five versions? Which was your favorite? I think I’m going with Jana.
Jeff: Me? Bagpipes, hands down.
Jason: She really sanit from tears, you know?
Jeff: I come to the Mellowmas table expecting delusional incompetence. I do not expect bagpipes.
Jason: She really just sanit. She gibbit and she sanit, Jeff. But yes. The bagpipes were equally fucked up. I agree.
Jeff: I don’t want to take anything away from Jana. She’s amazing, and I want to hear her cover “In a Gadda da Vida.”
Jason: She gibbit and she sanit and she gibbit and she sanit and she gibbit and she sanit. She gibbit all de live long day. And she sanit all night.
Jeff: I would also like to hear Jana cover “Day-O.” And “Maneater.”
Anything, really. Can we get bagpipes in there too? That would totally seal the deal.
Jason: You are an awful, awful person. I’ll see you tomorrow, unless for some reason you don’t wake up because I’ve shoved a bagpipe down your throat.
Jeff: Jana’s most recent album, Songs from Russia, opens with the songs “The Flying Geese” and “Black Eyes,” and now I’m missing your mom for some reason.
Jason: Jeff, if you’re going down the Jana rabbit hole, you’re going alone.
Jeff: Hey, 2010’s Perfect Timing includes not only “Love Me Tender,” but “I Remember Christmas”! Next Mellowmas is going to be GREAT.
Jason: I hate you.