The Twenty-Fourth Day of Mellowmas: ‘Twas the Night Before Mellowmas

Written by Mellowmas, Music

Christmas is a time for jolly old fat men, but this is ridiculous. Who let Rush Limbaugh in here?

Jason: Jeff, we’ve covered so many tracks for Mellowmas.

Jeff: It sure does feel that way.

Jason: At the very least, we’ve covered 87 tracks over the past four editions. But we’ve also done doubles and triples on some days. So I’m guessing we’re nearing the 100-song mark.

Jeff: I hadn’t thought of that, but I guess we are. It’s a huge, crappy milestone!

Jason: I’d hug you if I didn’t feel so sick to my stomach right now. But you know what?

Jeff: I’m going to hate myself for asking, but…what?

Jason: I think we’ve neglected a very special type of Christmas track.

Jeff: No, we did three Very Special tracks a few days ago. I remember. shiver

Jason: No, not that type of Very Special. I’m talking about spoken-word tracks.

Jeff: You wouldn’t.

Jason: Oh, I sure as hell would, pal.

Jeff: SPOKEN WORD MELLOWMAS?

Jason: Spoken. Word. Mellowmas. Spokenmas.

Jeff: You’re like the Karl Rove of made-up holidays!

Jason: I’m glad you brought him up.

Jeff: Oh, shit.

Jason: I know you know what I’m talking about. Because you were the one who sent it to me in the first place.

Jeff: Shit, shit, shit.

Jason: That’s right, folks: in his Christmas collection, Jeff has none other than…RUSH LIMBAUGH.

Jeff: I can explain! Actually, no, I can’t.

Jason: Don’t even bother. Everybody’s left. Jon Cummings just had a seizure.

Jeff: Poor Jon.

Jason: Poor Jon? He hasn’t even heard it yet! Poor US! I’ve had this track since 2006!

Jeff: I’ve had it since at least 1993. It was part of one of those Stars Come Out for Christmas compilations that Taco Bell sold. You remember the ones.

Jason: I do. I believe that’s how we started linking Christopher Cross to chalupas.

Jeff: The CDs that included such luminaries as Kathie Lee Gifford, the Bellamy Brothers, and, yes, Christopher Cross.

Jason: There’s a lot of inherent humor in tying Rush Limbaugh to Taco Bell, too. Man, what I wouldn’t give to tie Rush Limbaugh to a Taco Bell.

Jeff: He’d eat the whole building. And then he’d just go home, like nothing happened.

Jason: I’d be shoving bricks in his mouth.

Jeff: If there’s a happy side to this story, it’s that, from what I’ve read, the guy who put these compilations together — I think his name was Steve Vaus — didn’t pay any of the artists.

Jason: There is no happy side to this story, Jeff. You have a CD with Rush Limbaugh on it.

Jeff: Well, at least Rush Limbaugh at least didn’t make any money from this.

Jason: That’s such a small consolation, I don’t even know what to do with it.

Jeff: Spread it over your chalupa.

Jason: I spread it over your mom’s chalupa last night.

Jeff: Choke it down along with Rush Limbaugh’s version of “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.”

Jason: I’m looking forward to sharing this one with everybody. They’re all going to be so angry.

Jeff: “I spread my small consolation over your mom’s chalupa last night.” –Jason Hare, 2009

Jason: Somewhere, my aunt’s ears are burning.

Jeff: Good. That’ll make three of us.

Jason: Are you ready to listen to Rush Limbaugh spread some holiday cheer?

Jeff: I refuse to say I am. Let’s just…get this over with.

Jason: Ready?

Jeff: I won’t say it!

Jason: Go!

Rush Limbaugh — ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (download)

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From The Stars Come Out For Christmas null

Jeff: Ugh.

Jason: A music box! Hiding what’s coming!

Jeff: Synth wind.

Jason: I can’t stand this.

Jeff: It’s a Mellowmas nightmare.

Jason: I mean, knowing what bile comes out of his mouth every day of the year…

Jeff: The combination of aggravating pompousness and cutesy holiday cheer is making me dizzy.

Jason: I just can’t even hear him saying anything positive. I bet Andrew Gold produced the music bed. Listen to that stupid lisp.

Jeff: Nah, it was probably Orrin Hatch.

Jason: Oh shit, now it’s a big-band Christmas in the background.

Jeff: I wish the music was louder.

Jason: I wish I was dead.

Jeff: Why is this taking so long?

Jason: There’s still a minute left! I just heard a weird noise. I think it was Rush farting.

Jeff: That was the last shred of our collective dignity, fleeing into the cold winter’s night.

Jason: I’d just like to remind you that none of us would know ANYTHING about this track if you had just kept it to yourself.

Jeff: END ALREADY GODDAMN YOU

Jason: …is the poem really this long?

Jeff: I haven’t heard him add any lines about Hillary’s cankles, so I guess so.

Jason: Well, it’s finally over. Jeff Giles, everybody! The man responsible for the gift of Rush Limbaugh this holiday season!

Jeff: It was a free CD! I was a teenager! I ate at Taco Bell! I…I…I really have no excuse!

Jason: When you put the CD in your drive, did you have to automatically import every single track? You couldn’t skip over one or two? Like A TRACK FROM RUSH LIMBAUGH?

Jeff: I would be willing to bet five of Kurt Torster’s dollars that when I ripped this, I was thinking specifically of how funny it would be to send it to you. I was wrong.

Jason: I love that you just pulled out a Jefitoblog joke from years ago. And the joke’s on you now, isn’t it? Actually, no.

Jeff: It’s on all of us.

Jason: That’s right. We’re all suffering now.

Jeff: I’m just praying Web Sheriff comes along to make us take this track down.

Jason: I have at least seven other versions of this song. Would you like to listen to another spoken-word Mellowmas goodie?

Jeff: sigh Who’s next, Sean Hannity?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Glenn Beck?

Jason: Colmes is next. It’s 2:20 of silence.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! He starts talking, and the band cuts him off.

Jason: snicker

Jeff: “‘Twas the — but wait, I –”

Jason: I love it. Well, who could we find that’s far enough away from Rush Limbaugh?

Jeff: What misery will you inflict next? Hmm.

Jason: Oooh, I got one! I GOT ONE! ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

Jeff: PUT IT BACK!

Jason: I can’t! I have it now!

Jeff: Shit! Shit, shit, shit!

Jason: It’s…DAVID COVERDALE!

Jeff: blinks silently

Jason: Yes, THAT David Coverdale. This one just came out this year on a compilation called Hope For the Holidays. It’s another “all-star” compilation benefiting juvenile diabetes.

Jeff: “Benefiting” it how?

Jason: Ha! What an excellent question!

Jeff: I’m looking at the cover of this album, and it’s immediately my favorite of all Mellowmas album covers. I want to have it framed.

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Jeff: Could you contrast the title of the compilation any more vividly than with this sad-ass picture? Presents on the floor, a little Christmas tree, and AN EMPTY CHILD’S HOSPITAL BED. OH MY GOD.

Jason: We only have one day of Mellowmas left, so we might have to cover some of the other songs from the compilation in 2010 — however, everyone should know that the first song is sung by — we shit you not — “Mike Love, Christian Love, Fabrice Morvan & Type 1 Children’s Choir.” THEY NAMED THE CHILDREN’S CHOIR AFTER A TYPE OF DIABETES. That poor children’s choir!

Jeff: Where’s Dennis DeYoung in all of this?

Jason: Plus, they have to sing with Mike Love! And Mike Love’s son! And the guy from Milli Vanilli who didn’t shoot himself!

Jeff: This is too sad for words!

Jason: I am so envious of the guy in Milli Vanilli who shot himself right now.

Jeff: wincing and laughing in spite of himself

Jason: Well, we’ll save that track for 2010. How’s THAT for an early teaser?

Jeff: Oh, Christ, I just noticed that Jon Anderson of Yes is on this.

Jason: Indeed he is!

Jeff: And Creedence Clearwater Revisited.

Jason: Indeed they are!

Jeff: What, they couldn’t get the New Cars?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: “Rockin’ Christmas for a Cure”!

Jason: And somehow, inexplicably, they landed Weezer.

Jeff: Does Weezer perform the Sesame Street classic “One of These Things Is Not Like the Other”?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! I want to know what dirt Mike Love has on Rivers Cuomo.

Jeff: Perhaps Rivers Cuomo is Mike Love’s son.

Jason: throws up in mouth

Jeff: I would love that so much. I think Pitchfork would actually implode.

Jason: I can’t WAIT to discuss this album next Mellowmas. For now, though, it’s all about the spoken word. David Coverdale.

Jeff: David goddamn Coverdale. I’d rather hear Tawny Kitaen, but okay.

Jason: Not these days you wouldn’t!

Jeff: I said HEAR!

Jason: I think you can get chlamydia just from hearing her voice. Maybe even Type 1 Diabetes.

Jeff: Male pattern chlamydia!

Jason: I don’t want to spoil it for anybody, but when you go to see the Broadway musical Rock of Ages, David Coverdale provides the opening announcement about turning off your cell phone. And it’s awesome. So maybe he’s thinking he has a new career in voiceover.

Jeff: Does he do the celebrity GPS thing, too?

Jason: “This is David Coverdale for Frosted Mini-Wheats.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! “This is CNN.”

Jason: It’s a whole new career!

Jeff: Coverdale doing voiceovers for movie trailers!

Jason: YES! “In a world…”

Jeff: If this will keep him from making more Whitesnake albums, I’m all for it. Let’s see how he does here.

Jason: Agreed.

David Coverdale — ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (download)

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From Hope for the Holidays: Rockin’ Christmas for a Cure null

Jason: Oooh, sound effects! Wow!

Jeff: Ask not for whom the bell tolls…

Jason: David Coverdale sounds AWESOME! He’s all bass-y!

Jeff: And English-y!

Jason: Wait, there are background sound effects! I just heard someone yawn!…Was that you?

Jeff: I want them to go away. These sound effects are pissing me off.

Jason: I agree. It turns this track into a Morning Zoo.

Jeff: Why would you add sound effects when you’ve got the Cov working for you?

Jason: I’m waiting for the toilet flush. Now Dash-ah!

Jeff: Dahn-cah!

Jason: Hee hee hee!

Jeff: I also love how he’s rushing through this. Is he still doing coke, do you think?

Jason: Oh no. Sounds of Santa hitting the ground.

Jeff: Oh, how I hate these sound effects.

Jason: Me too.

Jeff: The slide whistle and the trampoline bounce.

Jason: Yeah, that was awful. I have to say, though, that the sound effects aren’t enough to ruin it completely. Coverdale just sounds awesome.

Jeff: Really, he’s tearing through this. It’s like someone’s playing Limbaugh at 45.

Jason: You want him to go slower?

Jeff: Are you kidding? I want him to narrate my life!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Please play this for your kids tonight. They’ll never sleep again.

Jeff: “Jeff has woken. He is in the show-ah.”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: “Now he is drinking coffee at the comput-ah.”

Jason: That’s brilliant.

Jeff: I wish I could hire him to answer my phone, too. And count my reps when I work out.

Jason: YES!

Jeff: Right?

Jason: Yes, definitely. I wonder how much it would cost us to get David Coverdale to speak the “Theme from Mellowmas.” “Daddy, what’s that glistening in the snow?”

Jeff: Just pretend you have juvenile diabetes.

Jason: ashamed laughter

Jeff: Or write to Mike Love and pretend you’re one of his thousands of illegitimate children.

Jason: Wait! I know what I want! I want David Coverdale to speak Shelley Duvall’s “A Very Merry Christmas”!

Jeff: “Hello, I’m David Covahdale…Merry Christmas!”

Jason: cue Psycho noise

Jeff: Can we then have Shelley Duvall singing “Here I Go Again”?

Jason: Ugh.

Jeff: Now I’m imagining Shelley Duvall writhing on the hood of a sports car. Hold on a sec. I’m going to go hang myself.

Jason: I’m cutting off this conversation right now. RIGHT. NOW. We have more spoken word to listen to.

Jeff: MORE?

Jason: I’m thinking one more track. It’s so close to Mellowmas Day. Let’s give the people something extra.

Jeff: How much spoken word is in your Christmas collection?

Jason: I don’t know, because it’s all categorized as “holiday.” But there’s a specific track staring straight at me as a no-brainer.

Jeff: This is insane. We need to stage an intervention for you.

Jason: Clearly. Anybody who agrees to do 25 Days of Mellowmas needs more than an intervention.

Jeff: Who could possibly be next? What random celebrity lurks in your hard drive? Barbara Walters?

Jason: I wish I had Baba Wawa!

Jeff: Clint Howard?

Jason: You know, readers, Aretha Franklin released a Christmas album this year.

Jeff: AUUUUUUUUUUUGHHH

Jason: Jeff and I even tried to cover a song from it for Mellowmas. But it wound up devolving into nothing but fat jokes, so we canned it. I have high hopes for this one, though.

Jeff: So cold. So cold.

Jason: You could nuzzle yourself between Aretha’s gazongas and warm right up.

Jeff: AUUUUUUUUUUUGHH! Can’t we listen to something Aretha did in the ’60s instead?

Jason: Did Aretha record Christmas songs in the ’60s?

Jeff: Uh…sure!

Jason: Ha! You will do anything to get out of this!

Jeff: Well, at least we know Aretha has a great voice. Actually, I’m thinking it might not be so bad.

Jason: Except she’s NOT SINGING THIS ONE. She’s SPEAKING IT! We’re screwed! But hey, hang on to your high hopes. That’s fine with me.

Jeff: I haven’t really heard her speak, to be honest. Does she have a speech impediment?

Jason: Let’s just listen, shall we?

Jeff: Let’s.

Aretha Franklin  — ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (download)

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From This Christmas null

Jeff: Ooh, this one is short! I love it already!

Jason: She just said “House…sh”

Jeff: Wait, what? What’s happening here?

Jason: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! She’s changing the lyrics!

Jeff: Did she just say “Diddy”?

Jason: “I said ‘I ain’t hardly gettin’ up to see what was the matter.'”

Jeff: This is not right.

Jason: It sure as hell isn’t!

Jeff: “A black Bentley with a sho’ nuff fine man”?

Jason: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! This is kind of awesome!

Jeff: Dressed in black diamond? How is that even possible?

Jason: She squealed!

Jeff: HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Jason: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH

Jeff: Aretha swore!

Jason: Oh shit! Oh my god!

Jeff: She said “shit”! And then she cackled!

Jason: She sho’ nuff did! And you can hear cackling in her headphones from the control room!

Jeff: I’m putting this on every holiday compilation I make for the rest of my life.

Jason: What did I tell you? COMEDY GOLD!

Jeff: I don’t even know what to say, except “Thank you, Miss Franklin.” And “Please don’t eat me.”

Jason: Dude, the minute she said “shit,” you know who I thought of, right?

Jeff: Who did you think of?

Jason: Millie Jackson! And then Jeffrey Osborne!

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: ARETHA JUST GAVE US SOMETHING WARM FOR CHRISTMAS! More than any other artist this year!

Jeff: She sho’ nuff did!

Jason: It’s a Mellowmas miracle!

Jeff: God bless us, every one!

Jason: I don’t want to listen to anything else today.

Jeff: I may not want to listen to anything else for the rest of the year.

Jason: I don’t see how Mellowmas can get any better than this. Aretha Franklin completely tarnishing her legacy by speaking directly from the Christmas ghetto.

Jeff: You know, if “Who’s Zoomin’ Who” didn’t tarnish it completely…

Jason: I KNEW you were going to work in a “Who’s Zoomin’ Who” joke in here somewhere, I just didn’t know how. Well done!

Jeff: Yeah, I have a problem with making “Who’s Zoomin’ Who” jokes, don’t I? There are just so few opportunities to say the word “zoomin’.”

Jason: I think the problem started with the original album.

Jeff: A few problems started with that album.

Jason: Well, you know, I’m in such a good mood now that I’ve forgiven you for Rush Limbaugh. Hell, I’ve even forgiven Aretha for just about all her other crap, including promising an entire audience White Castle and reneging on the deal.

Jeff: [insert joke about Aretha Franklin eating an entire audience’s White Castle order here]

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Man, I can’t believe today is Mellowmas Eve. What a wonderful day. A day of hope. Everybody’s excited about what they’re going to find under the tree tomorrow. The disappointment of receiving another pair of wool socks is still 24 hours away.

Jeff: Don’t worry, everyone. We aren’t going to give you wool socks. Although the performer in question does sometimes seem to be covered in a wool-like substance.

Jason: Everybody knows who it is by now. But I’m not saying a word until tomorrow.

Jeff: Fair enough. Strictly speaking, the performer in question probably won’t say an actual word tomorrow.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! I love foreshadowing!

Jeff: Well, Jason, I guess Mellowmas is just about over, isn’t it?

Jason: It looks like it, buddy.

Jeff: I look forward to our special holiday every year. It always seems to go by so fast, and yet so awfully, awfully slow.

Jason: Truer words were never spoken.

Jeff: We’ve had some real Mellowmas magic this year. Who can forget Jeffrey Osborne, giving us something warm?

Jason: Or Robin Gibb, reminding us of what a sheep sounds like when it’s dying?

Jeff: Or Ted, mashing Robin’s bleating up with Stevie Nicks’ bleating? Oh, the bleating there was!

Jason: You know, I think we forgot to share that with our audience! Here’s a final Mellowmas Eve treat, everybody: Ted Asregadoo’s Gibb/Nicks bleat-up!

Robin Gibb/Stevie Nicks — Silent Hellish Night (download)

Jason: Man, do I love that version. Who else should we remember today? Oh, of course, we mustn’t forget Tommy Tutone. Poor, pathetic Tommy Tutone.

Jeff: Or what it felt like to push out a Leighton Meester.

Jason: On the other hand, I’ve already forgotten Sting and Tori Amos.

Jeff: I’ve forgotten Neil Diamond’s wretched Adam Sandler cover.

Jason: What a season. Both the brightest and darkest season of all. And there’s only one day left!

Jeff: How about we watch Ernest Saves Christmas while we wait?

Jason: I heartily recommend you do so.

Jeff: I said WE!

Jason: I’m listening to “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” and “Christmas Tree” while watching the Yule Log.

Jeff: Just think of Jim Varney as a yule log.

Jason: Fine, fine. I’ll watch it with you. Go make us some burnt popcorn. If you steal all the covers this time, though, I’m leaving.

Jeff: You never spoon.

Jason: Tonight, Jeff, for you…I will.

Jeff: I get cold. And that creepy mannequin that Kenny and Dolly left in the lodge weirds me out, man.

Jason: Wow. I can actually hear retching all over the world, as the Popdose community thinks about us spooning and watching Jim Varney.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I can guarantee many of them have thought of at least part of that. Well, everyone, thanks for joining us for Mellowmas again this year.

Jason: Yes! And sleep tight, little ones! Come back tomorrow and see what shows up on your doorstep, most likely in a flaming brown bag!

Jeff: Merry Mellowmas to all, and to all a good night!

If you have any holiday spirit left in you, please consider making a donation to The Juvenile Diabetes Research Fund International. We promise no money will go into stupid Mike Love’s pocket.