The Twenty-Second Day of Mellowmas: Last Christmasade

Jeff:Hey, Jason! Ready for another day of action-packed, uh, bad music…and stuff?

Jason: Sure, why not? I have nothing else left. The wife and kid packed up and left this morning.
It was my own fault, really.

Jeff: Good, so no one will hear you scream when I say this.

Jason: I Shakataked both of them at around 5:30 AM. And I don’t know why, but my wife said that was the final straw.

Jeff: It’s for the best, really. Suddenly life don’t seem the same when you’re lonely on Christmas day.

Jason: I don’t know if it was any consolation to them, but I yelled “Happy Christmas to Ya!” as they started the car.

So yes. I’m alone. And what do you have to say?

Jeff: Okay, so it’s like this.

Jason: I can’t tell you how much I hate it when you say that.

Jeff: Do you remember the other day when I kind of made you think we might be listening to yet another version of “Last Christmas”?

Jason: Yes. And I’m sure you remember how relieved I was when you said you weren’t going to make me do it.

Jeff: I do! So it pains me to say this.

Jason: Hang on, let me go get this bottle of rubbing alcohol I’ve been dying to chug.

Jeff: Ordinarily, I would respect your “Last Christmas” moratorium. (Note: No I wouldn’t.) But then I found a version by someone called Nadine, and it’s on an album called Christmas in South Africa, and she recorded it with the Bala Brothers. So I had to.

Jason: OH COME ON.

Jeff: To South Africa!

Jason: Wait a second. Who the hell are the Bala Brothers? Aren’t they the people who let the dogs out?

Jeff: I don’t remember who let the dogs out, so I guess it’s possible they were extradited to South Africa. As for who Nadine is, I have no idea.

Jason: She looks pretty.

Jeff: She does! I’m sure she sings pretty too.

Jason: It’s a shame I’ll never know how she sounds. Bye!

Jeff: OH NO YOU DON’T

Jason: sulks back to keyboard

Jeff: You love this song.

Jason: I do love this song. By Wham!.

Jeff: So naturally, you’re curious to hear what Nadine and the Bala Brothers have added.

Jason: No! Here’s the thing! I’m not!

Jeff: Your words say no, Jason, but your eyes say yes.

Jason: I just looked through my iTunes, and I’ve got like ten versions of this song. And why did I somehow rate the Ashley Tisdale version four stars?

Jeff: I know! I think I gave you eight of them last year. That was a truly special day.

Jason: The Cheetah Girls. John Holt.

Jeff: Celtic Thunder.

Jason: CELTIC FUCKING THUNDER. Why. Why do you do this to me?

Jeff: first truly appropriate leprechaun dance

Jason: Die.

Jeff: I’m sure I will. But first, it’s time for Nadine featuring the Bala Boys on “Last Christmas.”

Jason: I hate you I hate you I hate you

Nadine featuring the Bala Brothers, “Last Christmas” (download)

Jeff: Whoo! Oh hey oh!

Jason: OoooOOOOOooooh!

Jeff: Anig…wait, what?

Jason: Some word I can’t spell!

Jeff: This is peppy and bland, just like a “Last Christmas” cover should be! It sounds like a tube of Crest.

She guesses she was a shoulder to cry on, Jason.

Jason: What the hell. And what is that other word? Ndegeocello?

Jeff: Those background vocalists sound like they’re singing the n-word, and it’s bugging me out.

Jason: spits out water

Jeff: Also, I don’t remember the song being this long.

Jason: Oh, you’re wrong there. As I’m sure Duquette could tell you, the original version of “Last Christmas” is almost seven minutes long.

Jeff: I’m glad you told me before I could accidentally find out for myself. Thank you, friend.

Jason: You are no friend of mine and you know it.

Jeff: Does the original version also include something that sounds kind of like a terrible racial slur?

Jason: I guess that’s the part that makes this version South African?

Jeff: cackle “Last Christmas (Apartheid Mix)”

Jason: I don’t understand why you do this to me year after year. I think I’ve heard one artist — ever — that brought something to the table when it came to a “Last Christmas” cover.

Jeff: I am reminded of what Sting’s guitarist said to me when I asked him why he thought Sting was recording an album of symphonic versions of his greatest hits: “Why does a dog lick his own balls? Because he can.”

Jason: I guess I have to come to terms. Ultimately, if this brings George Michael more money so he can buy more pot, I’m okay with it, I guess.

Jeff: Also because I guess I find this song kind of fascinating, in a way. The way every cover is so utterly flavorless in a brand new way.

We’ve heard an old-timey version, a reggae version, a “Celtic” version, a teen pop version, and now a “South African” version.

Jason: Yeah, that’s totally true. Although I just found a cover done in the style of Billie Jean. No joke.

Jeff: “Billie Jean” the Michael Jackson song?

Jason: Yes. And it’s TERRIBLE! What the fuck. We’ve come this far.

Jeff: There are times when I’m reminded how little I really understand about this world, and now is one of those times.

Can I ask a few questions?

Jason: Absolutely. And if one of them is “Can we listen to the “Back to Nashville Version” by “Micatone Gbr” next, the answer is yes.

Jeff: One: How did someone named Guiseppe Ruisi end up becoming a “supertalent Michael Jackson double”?

Two: How did he come up with the idea to cover “Last Christmas” AS Michael with the “Billie Jean” rhythm bed underneath?

Jason: I have answers to both of these.

Jeff: Three: Why can’t I reach through the screen and choke him whenever he does the Michael hiccup thing?

Jason: Answer to #1: he earned that title by saying “this is my title.” That’s exactly how Michael Jackson became the King of Pop, remember?

Jeff: Oh, right! Okay.

Jason: HOLY SHIT!

Jeff: OH NO. full body groan

Jason: Wait, wait. Don’t tell people what just happened. Let them find out for themselves. They’ll know when it happens.

Jeff: Do we need them to sign a waiver first?

Jason: Still 45 seconds left!

Jeff: Who pronounces “save” like this?

Jason: Someone who doesn’t speak English, and learned it phonetically.

Jeff: You have too many sensible answers to my many frantic questions.

Well. In a Mellowmas full of strange songs, that may have been the strangest.

Jason: Life hands you Last Christmas, you make Last Christmasade. That’s what I did. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Jeff: That’s exactly what you did. This is a tall glass of Last Christmasade. It tastes like warm piss.

I am chastened.

Jason: Wow. My day is suddenly looking up!