The Twenty-Second Day of Mellowmas: Last Christmasade

mellowmas2010

Jeff:Hey, Jason! Ready for another day of action-packed, uh, bad music…and stuff?

Jason: Sure, why not? I have nothing else left. The wife and kid packed up and left this morning.
It was my own fault, really.

Jeff: Good, so no one will hear you scream when I say this.

Jason: I Shakataked both of them at around 5:30 AM. And I don’t know why, but my wife said that was the final straw.

Jeff: It’s for the best, really. Suddenly life don’t seem the same when you’re lonely on Christmas day.

Jason: I don’t know if it was any consolation to them, but I yelled “Happy Christmas to Ya!” as they started the car.

So yes. I’m alone. And what do you have to say?

Jeff: Okay, so it’s like this.

Jason: I can’t tell you how much I hate it when you say that.

Jeff: Do you remember the other day when I kind of made you think we might be listening to yet another version of “Last Christmas”?

Jason: Yes. And I’m sure you remember how relieved I was when you said you weren’t going to make me do it.

Jeff: I do! So it pains me to say this.

Jason: Hang on, let me go get this bottle of rubbing alcohol I’ve been dying to chug.

Jeff: Ordinarily, I would respect your “Last Christmas” moratorium. (Note: No I wouldn’t.) But then I found a version by someone called Nadine, and it’s on an album called Christmas in South Africa, and she recorded it with the Bala Brothers. So I had to.

Nadine

Jason: OH COME ON.

Jeff: To South Africa!

Jason: Wait a second. Who the hell are the Bala Brothers? Aren’t they the people who let the dogs out?

Jeff: I don’t remember who let the dogs out, so I guess it’s possible they were extradited to South Africa. As for who Nadine is, I have no idea.

Jason: She looks pretty.

Jeff: She does! I’m sure she sings pretty too.

Jason: It’s a shame I’ll never know how she sounds. Bye!

Jeff: OH NO YOU DON’T

Jason: sulks back to keyboard

Jeff: You love this song.

Jason: I do love this song. By Wham!.

Jeff: So naturally, you’re curious to hear what Nadine and the Bala Brothers have added.

Jason: No! Here’s the thing! I’m not!

Jeff: Your words say no, Jason, but your eyes say yes.

Jason: I just looked through my iTunes, and I’ve got like ten versions of this song. And why did I somehow rate the Ashley Tisdale version four stars?

Jeff: I know! I think I gave you eight of them last year. That was a truly special day.

Jason: The Cheetah Girls. John Holt.

Jeff: Celtic Thunder.

Jason: CELTIC FUCKING THUNDER. Why. Why do you do this to me?

Jeff: first truly appropriate leprechaun dance

Jason: Die.

Jeff: I’m sure I will. But first, it’s time for Nadine featuring the Bala Boys on “Last Christmas.”

Jason: I hate you I hate you I hate you

Nadine featuring the Bala Brothers, “Last Christmas” (download)

Jeff: Whoo! Oh hey oh!

Jason: OoooOOOOOooooh!

Jeff: Anig…wait, what?

Jason: Some word I can’t spell!

Jeff: This is peppy and bland, just like a “Last Christmas” cover should be! It sounds like a tube of Crest.

She guesses she was a shoulder to cry on, Jason.

Jason: What the hell. And what is that other word? Ndegeocello?

Jeff: Those background vocalists sound like they’re singing the n-word, and it’s bugging me out.

Jason: spits out water

Jeff: Also, I don’t remember the song being this long.

Jason: Oh, you’re wrong there. As I’m sure Duquette could tell you, the original version of “Last Christmas” is almost seven minutes long.

Jeff: I’m glad you told me before I could accidentally find out for myself. Thank you, friend.

Jason: You are no friend of mine and you know it.

Jeff: Does the original version also include something that sounds kind of like a terrible racial slur?

Jason: I guess that’s the part that makes this version South African?

Jeff: cackle “Last Christmas (Apartheid Mix)”

Jason: I don’t understand why you do this to me year after year. I think I’ve heard one artist — ever — that brought something to the table when it came to a “Last Christmas” cover.

Jeff: I am reminded of what Sting’s guitarist said to me when I asked him why he thought Sting was recording an album of symphonic versions of his greatest hits: “Why does a dog lick his own balls? Because he can.”

Jason: I guess I have to come to terms. Ultimately, if this brings George Michael more money so he can buy more pot, I’m okay with it, I guess.

Jeff: Also because I guess I find this song kind of fascinating, in a way. The way every cover is so utterly flavorless in a brand new way.

We’ve heard an old-timey version, a reggae version, a “Celtic” version, a teen pop version, and now a “South African” version.

Jason: Yeah, that’s totally true. Although I just found a cover done in the style of Billie Jean. No joke.

Jeff: “Billie Jean” the Michael Jackson song?

Jason: Yes. And it’s TERRIBLE! What the fuck. We’ve come this far.

Jeff: There are times when I’m reminded how little I really understand about this world, and now is one of those times.

Can I ask a few questions?

Jason: Absolutely. And if one of them is “Can we listen to the “Back to Nashville Version” by “Micatone Gbr” next, the answer is yes.

Jeff: One: How did someone named Guiseppe Ruisi end up becoming a “supertalent Michael Jackson double”?

Two: How did he come up with the idea to cover “Last Christmas” AS Michael with the “Billie Jean” rhythm bed underneath?

Jason: I have answers to both of these.

Jeff: Three: Why can’t I reach through the screen and choke him whenever he does the Michael hiccup thing?

Jason: Answer to #1: he earned that title by saying “this is my title.” That’s exactly how Michael Jackson became the King of Pop, remember?

Jeff: Oh, right! Okay.

Jason: HOLY SHIT!

Jeff: OH NO. full body groan

Jason: Wait, wait. Don’t tell people what just happened. Let them find out for themselves. They’ll know when it happens.

Jeff: Do we need them to sign a waiver first?

Jason: Still 45 seconds left!

Jeff: Who pronounces “save” like this?

Jason: Someone who doesn’t speak English, and learned it phonetically.

Jeff: You have too many sensible answers to my many frantic questions.

Well. In a Mellowmas full of strange songs, that may have been the strangest.

Jason: Life hands you Last Christmas, you make Last Christmasade. That’s what I did. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Jeff: That’s exactly what you did. This is a tall glass of Last Christmasade. It tastes like warm piss.

I am chastened.

Jason: Wow. My day is suddenly looking up!

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare
Two people, separate rooms
Trying to hurt the other
Bound together by destiny
Is there nothing they won’t do?
Will we never see them through?