The Twenty-Second Day of Mellowmas: Last Christmasade
Jeff:Hey, Jason! Ready for another day of action-packed, uh, bad music…and stuff?
Jason: Sure, why not? I have nothing else left. The wife and kid packed up and left this morning.
It was my own fault, really.
Jeff: Good, so no one will hear you scream when I say this.
Jason: I Shakataked both of them at around 5:30 AM. And I don’t know why, but my wife said that was the final straw.
Jeff: It’s for the best, really. Suddenly life don’t seem the same when you’re lonely on Christmas day.
Jason: I don’t know if it was any consolation to them, but I yelled “Happy Christmas to Ya!” as they started the car.
So yes. I’m alone. And what do you have to say?
Jeff: Okay, so it’s like this.
Jason: I can’t tell you how much I hate it when you say that.
Jeff: Do you remember the other day when I kind of made you think we might be listening to yet another version of “Last Christmas”?
Jason: Yes. And I’m sure you remember how relieved I was when you said you weren’t going to make me do it.
Jeff: I do! So it pains me to say this.
Jason: Hang on, let me go get this bottle of rubbing alcohol I’ve been dying to chug.
Jeff: Ordinarily, I would respect your “Last Christmas” moratorium. (Note: No I wouldn’t.) But then I found a version by someone called Nadine, and it’s on an album called Christmas in South Africa, and she recorded it with the Bala Brothers. So I had to.
Jason: OH COME ON.
Jeff: To South Africa!
Jason: Wait a second. Who the hell are the Bala Brothers? Aren’t they the people who let the dogs out?
Jeff: I don’t remember who let the dogs out, so I guess it’s possible they were extradited to South Africa. As for who Nadine is, I have no idea.
Jason: She looks pretty.
Jeff: She does! I’m sure she sings pretty too.
Jason: It’s a shame I’ll never know how she sounds. Bye!
Jeff: OH NO YOU DON’T
Jason: sulks back to keyboard
Jeff: You love this song.
Jason: I do love this song. By Wham!.
Jeff: So naturally, you’re curious to hear what Nadine and the Bala Brothers have added.
Jason: No! Here’s the thing! I’m not!
Jeff: Your words say no, Jason, but your eyes say yes.
Jason: I just looked through my iTunes, and I’ve got like ten versions of this song. And why did I somehow rate the Ashley Tisdale version four stars?
Jeff: I know! I think I gave you eight of them last year. That was a truly special day.
Jason: The Cheetah Girls. John Holt.
Jeff: Celtic Thunder.
Jason: CELTIC FUCKING THUNDER. Why. Why do you do this to me?
Jeff: first truly appropriate leprechaun dance
Jeff: I’m sure I will. But first, it’s time for Nadine featuring the Bala Boys on “Last Christmas.”
Jason: I hate you I hate you I hate you
Nadine featuring the Bala Brothers, “Last Christmas” (download)
Jeff: Whoo! Oh hey oh!
Jeff: Anig…wait, what?
Jason: Some word I can’t spell!
Jeff: This is peppy and bland, just like a “Last Christmas” cover should be! It sounds like a tube of Crest.
She guesses she was a shoulder to cry on, Jason.
Jason: What the hell. And what is that other word? Ndegeocello?
Jeff: Those background vocalists sound like they’re singing the n-word, and it’s bugging me out.
Jason: spits out water
Jeff: Also, I don’t remember the song being this long.
Jason: Oh, you’re wrong there. As I’m sure Duquette could tell you, the original version of “Last Christmas” is almost seven minutes long.
Jeff: I’m glad you told me before I could accidentally find out for myself. Thank you, friend.
Jason: You are no friend of mine and you know it.
Jeff: Does the original version also include something that sounds kind of like a terrible racial slur?
Jason: I guess that’s the part that makes this version South African?
Jeff: cackle “Last Christmas (Apartheid Mix)”
Jason: I don’t understand why you do this to me year after year. I think I’ve heard one artist — ever — that brought something to the table when it came to a “Last Christmas” cover.
Jeff: I am reminded of what Sting’s guitarist said to me when I asked him why he thought Sting was recording an album of symphonic versions of his greatest hits: “Why does a dog lick his own balls? Because he can.”
Jason: I guess I have to come to terms. Ultimately, if this brings George Michael more money so he can buy more pot, I’m okay with it, I guess.
Jeff: Also because I guess I find this song kind of fascinating, in a way. The way every cover is so utterly flavorless in a brand new way.
We’ve heard an old-timey version, a reggae version, a “Celtic” version, a teen pop version, and now a “South African” version.
Jason: Yeah, that’s totally true. Although I just found a cover done in the style of Billie Jean. No joke.
Jeff: “Billie Jean” the Michael Jackson song?
Jason: Yes. And it’s TERRIBLE! What the fuck. We’ve come this far.
Jeff: There are times when I’m reminded how little I really understand about this world, and now is one of those times.
Can I ask a few questions?
Jason: Absolutely. And if one of them is “Can we listen to the “Back to Nashville Version” by “Micatone Gbr” next, the answer is yes.
Jeff: One: How did someone named Guiseppe Ruisi end up becoming a “supertalent Michael Jackson double”?
Two: How did he come up with the idea to cover “Last Christmas” AS Michael with the “Billie Jean” rhythm bed underneath?
Jason: I have answers to both of these.
Jeff: Three: Why can’t I reach through the screen and choke him whenever he does the Michael hiccup thing?
Jason: Answer to #1: he earned that title by saying “this is my title.” That’s exactly how Michael Jackson became the King of Pop, remember?
Jeff: Oh, right! Okay.
Jason: HOLY SHIT!
Jeff: OH NO. full body groan
Jason: Wait, wait. Don’t tell people what just happened. Let them find out for themselves. They’ll know when it happens.
Jeff: Do we need them to sign a waiver first?
Jason: Still 45 seconds left!
Jeff: Who pronounces “save” like this?
Jason: Someone who doesn’t speak English, and learned it phonetically.
Jeff: You have too many sensible answers to my many frantic questions.
Well. In a Mellowmas full of strange songs, that may have been the strangest.
Jason: Life hands you Last Christmas, you make Last Christmasade. That’s what I did. YOU’RE WELCOME.
Jeff: That’s exactly what you did. This is a tall glass of Last Christmasade. It tastes like warm piss.
I am chastened.
Jason: Wow. My day is suddenly looking up!