The Twenty-Second Day of Mellowmas: Total Eclipse of the Nog

Written by Mellowmas, Music

Turn around, bright eyes — Bonnie Tyler is here with a Mellowmas tune that has Jason scratching his head and Jeff holding out for a burst eardrum.

Jason: I don’t know why I’m even putting this thought in your head, but you know who we’ve never covered for Mellowmas?

Jeff: Metallica?

Jason: Well…yes, I guess that’s true. But not who I was thinking of. I was thinking of Rod Stewart.

Jeff: Shit! I was hoping you were thinking of Femi Kuti.

Jason: Has Rod Stewart released a Christmas album? You’d think so, right? Especially at this stage in his career?

Jeff: Jason, Rod Stewart sucks, and one of my only joys in life is the knowledge that he’s never stooped to recording a Christmas album.

Jason: I would have loved one in the ’70s. A Very Stomach-Pumped Christmas.

Jeff: Although now that I look, he has apparently performed a duet of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” with Dolly Parton. Hold on, I need to go sit in the garage with the car running for a few hours.

Jason: And thinking of Rod Stewart gets me thinking of Kim Carnes. Because I’m still convinced they’re the same person. She’s never released a Christmas album either.

Jeff: That’s because it’s hard for her to get time off from her job at the Red Lobster.

Jason: So that leaves only one artist with a famously scratchy voice.

Jeff: Dan Hill?

Jason: Manlier.

Jeff: Joe Cocker?

Jason: Think more dramatic.

Jeff: Hmm.

Jason: Like, flames shooting out from behind the head and shit. And like, a big fucking orchestra.

Jeff: Oh, I don’t think I like where you’re going with this.

Jason: Total Eclipse of the Nog, bitch!

Jeff: Goddammit!

Jason: That’s right! Bonnie Tyler!

Jeff: Have I ever told you how much I hate “Total Eclipse of the Heart”?

Jason: We’ve had a lot of conversations over the years. It’s possible. But tell me again. Because I love the idea of raising your blood pressure.

Jeff: I have loathed “Total Eclipse of the Heart” for more than 25 years. I hate it so much I can’t even appreciate the humor in the literal video version.

Jason: Wow. Why do you hate it so much? I mean, if nothing else, it seems like it’s right up CAPTAIN VIDEO!‘s alley.

Jeff: It’s just, like, everything that sucked about the ’80s, boiled down into one three-hour pop song. CAPTAIN VIDEO! would blast that thing with photon lasers.

Jason: I don’t know. I’m a Jim Steinman fan. I think it’s a classic.

Jeff: Awful lyrics, horribly bombastic production, irritating vocals, and an utterly nonsensical video to top it all off.

Jason: So in other words, you’re really excited for today’s song.

Jeff: I’m having a Mellowmas conniption over here.

Jason: Finally, what I really want for Christmas!

Jeff: Turn around, bright eyes, so I can pummel you about the head and neck.

Jason: Ha ha! Now the song is in your head!

Jeff: Son! Of! A! Bitch!

Jason: I think I’ll buy you the 12″ for Christmas.

Jeff: I think I’ll melt it down and feed it to your cat. Hey, your cat can probably sing better than Bonnie Tyler.

Jason: Shit, for a little more, I might actually be able to get Bonnie Tyler to stop by your house. When your Internet goes out, she can serenade you.

Jeff: I have never hit a woman, but if Bonnie Tyler came to my house and sang, I would physically strike her.

Jason: Shhh. I’m imagining a world where you’re tied up in a chair listening to Bonnie Tyler sing “Let It Snow” to you over and over again.

Jeff: I’m astonished by the depths of your evil.

Jason: You never know, Jeff. You might like this song.

Jeff: What song? What the fuck is this shit you’ve lined up for today?

Jason: The song is called “Merry Christmas,” and it’s from…from…fuck it, some French film. I can’t read French.

Jeff: I’m checking the IMDB. Oh look, it translates to “Game Over,” which is what the American record-buying public said to Bonnie Tyler in 1985.

Jason: And in French, it’s “Code Pere Noel,” which is the secret password to your mother’s holiday-themed S&M dungeon.

Jeff: It’s apparently about a dude who dresses up as Santa and breaks into some kid’s house, then sings “Holding Out for a Hero” for two hours. Just kidding about that last part, but the rest of it is true, I guess. “Think along the lines of ‘Rambo kid Home Alone without that Culkin brat.'” I don’t even know what that sentence means, but I guess I understand the vague outline of the movie.

Jason: It stars such authentic stars as Brigitte Fossey, Louis Ducreux, and Patrick Floersheim….hey, wait, who let the Jewish guy in here?

Jeff: And now I’m kind of curious as to how Bonnie Tyler, Welsh citizen and washed-up American pop star, ended up singing a song for the soundtrack of an ’80s French film.

Jason: Yeah, I was just about to ask the same thing. I don’t know the answer, obviously, but I’m sure it has something to do with being spurned by Jim Steinman.

Jeff: In 1991, Bonnie Tyler released an album that went quadruple platinum. In Norway.

Jason: Hey, in the words of so many of our commenters, what have you done? Have you ever had an album go quadruple platinum in Norway?

Jeff: Maybe!

Jason: Shit, I have no way of verifying this.

Jeff: In 1995, Bonnie Tyler recorded a cover of “Making Love Out of Nothing at All,” which I must now find and send to you.

Jason: I have it already.

Jeff: You can’t just slow down the Air Supply version, rub it under your shoe, and call it a Bonnie Tyler cover.

Jason: Sounds like you’ve heard it.
gasp
Do you have it?

Jeff: Not yet!

Jason: Are you a CLOSET BONNIE TYLER FAN?

Jeff: In 2003, Bonnie Tyler recorded a French remake of “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” WHICH SOLD TWO MILLION COPIES.
JASON I HATE THIS WORLD

Jason: I love what this holiday has done to you, buddy. You hate Bonnie Tyler, yet you are furiously scouring the Internet for information about her.

Jeff: I really just went looking for an explanation about this movie, but yes, it’s gotten me even more riled up.

Jason: I’m not sure I’ve ever been happier. I’m sending you a Bonnie Tyler poster.

Jeff: You are the worst person I know. I guess now is the perfect time to begin the audio abuse portion of our program.

Jason: Hang on, I’m looking for a version of “Total Eclipse of the Heart” to send to you.

Jeff: In that giving spirit, I have also found something for you.

Jason: Ha ha ha! I almost sent that version to you! Okay, now you check your e-mail.

Jeff: I’m not sure I’ve ever been more unhappy to get an email.

Jason: It’s about time you felt this pain I know all too well.

Jeff: You’re going to pay for this.

Jason: I already paid for it! 89 cents!

Jeff: incoherent rage sputter

Jason: Now seems like a perfect time to start the track.

Jeff: I hate you.

Jason: Yes. Yessss! Let the hate FLOW through you. Right to your music player.

Jeff: I can do that.

Jason: Ready?

Jeff: sigh

Bonnie Tyler — Merry Christmas (download)

From the soundtrack to 3615 code Père Noël

Jeff: Well, hello, 1989!

Jason: Ooh, it’s all sparkly up in this bitch.

Jeff: Bonnie Tyler, are you feeling okay?

Jason: “Don’t change kids”? Who’s changing kids? “Stay a little Jesus”?

Jeff: Yeah, I was wondering about that line too.

Jason: Is she speaking to her midget gardener?

Jeff: Hmm.

Jason: “Happy birthday, Christmas”! That doesn’t even make SENSE!

Jeff: And now she’s singing about becoming a man, something she understands all too well. Bonnie Tyler’s career doesn’t make sense! It’s painful to listen to her sing.

Jason: Listen to that voice. Someone get this woman a lozenge!

Jeff: She needs a tracheotomy!

Jason: Did she just ask for help from Santa? Oh man, did you hear her sing “I can’t play my part”? That was rough.

Jeff: I’m sorry, I just closed my eyes for a minute. I was wincing.

Jason: This is really awful.

Jeff: When Bob Seger listens to Bonnie Tyler sing, he says, “Man, that’s rough.”

Jason: Well, at least it was short.

Jeff: So, uh…Did you understand why this was called “Merry Christmas”?

Jason: Are you kidding me? Of course not!

Jeff: Fuck that — did you understand a single minute of this song?

Jason: Yeah, exactly. I’m not sure who she was talking to, why she was talking to them, and why we listened to it.

Jeff: I have found the lyrics.
Ahem.

Jason: There’s something Bonnie Tyler has never said.

Jeff: Verse one:

Merry merry Christmas
Don’t change kids, stay with us
Stay little Jesus
Hold onto my hand
It’s not a long way
To fly alone
Don’t fly in vain
It’s so hard anyway
To become a man

Jason: …Bonnie Tyler is a man?

Jeff: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.

Happy birthday Christmas
Welcome holy Jesus
Although you rain on us
You can’t understand
Why even a child
Learning the truth
Always learns pain
Why does he have to cry
To become a man?

Jason: Why does he have to cry to become a man? You’re equipped to answer that one. You just received a Bonnie Tyler dance remix in your inbox.

Jeff: Wait, here comes the best part.

Help me Santa Claus
Come close to my heart
All the doors are closed
I can’t play my part
I can’t play my part

Jason: Yes, I remember that section. That was the section where she coughed out her uvula.

Jeff: Bonnie Tyler’s Vocal Booth Hysterectomy, only four easy payments of $39.99 on QVC!
And finally, we come to the last verse:

Wanted Mr. Xmas
Dream of little Jesus
Kids don’t grow up like us
You could change the plan
Here comes the darkness
Time to be sad
Here comes the rain
Please don’t leave him hopeless
To become a man
To become a man
To become a man

Do you kind of get the feeling that these lyrics were barfed out by a random word generator?

Jason: I think I see the lyric site where you’re getting these. It’s from someone who transcribed the song “from careful listening.” Maybe that person was deaf. And also French.

Jeff: Maybe that person was just doing the best they could. We heard this dreck, and it seems close enough for me. I’m sure as shit not going back to check the accuracy.

Jason: As much as I hate you, even I wouldn’t even advocate it.

Jeff: This song makes even less sense than “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Or a dance remix of “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” WHICH I NOW HAVE TO LISTEN TO BECAUSE YOU FUCKING SENT IT TO ME.

Jason: …and just like that, you’ve made today the best day of Mellowmas yet. Once upon a time, Jeff, there was light in your life.

Jeff: Don’t you do it. Don’t you fucking do it.

Jason: Now there’s only love in the dark.

Jeff: STOPIT

Jason: Nothing you can do, Jeff.
TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!

Jeff: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh