The Twenty-Third Day of Mellowmas: Cuchi Cuchimas

Written by Mellowmas, Music

¡Hola, amigos y amigas! Charo ees here to help all you fine mamacitas find Thanta Claw!

Jeff: Hey, Jason!

Jason: Hey Jeff!

Jeff: Guess what?

Jason: Do I have to?

Jeff: You do. Go ahead, guess.

Jason: You have leprosy?

Jeff: Wrong, motherfucker! The answer I was looking for is “Cuchi cuchi”!

Jason: Cuchi cuchi? I don’t see what your mother has to do with this conversation.

Jeff: If my mother invented cuchi cuchi, I wouldn’t be wasting time talking to you. I’d be the drummer in my own metal band.

Jason: I don’t think I understand what’s going on here.

Jeff: CHARO, bitch!

Jason: Charo is in your house?

Jeff: We’ve somehow gotten through more than 20 days of this year’s Mellowmas without once acknowledging that 2010 marks the 32nd year since puzzling celebrity Charo released her VERY OWN CHRISTMAS SINGLE.

Jason: Charo did WHAT?

Jeff: Oh yes, my friend. OH YES.

Jeff: Ho ho cuchi fucking ho!

Jason: Wait, hang on. I need to do the math here. 2010 minus 32 is 1978, which means…oh no. OH NO.

Jeff: Go on! Say it!

Jason: ….disco?

Jeff: Aaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha! Yes!

Jason: OH FUCKING HELL

Jeff: Christmas disco! Con Charo!

Jason: Ay ay ay! No me gusta!

Jeff: It’s like an episode of The Love Boat up in this bitch! You be Gopher. I’ll be the bartender. I really don’t remember ever watching that show, but I guess I must have. Same with CHiPs. Oh, hey, I wonder if Erik Estrada ever recorded a Christmas song?

Jason: Googling “Erik Estrada Christmas” just brings up stories about him hosting a Christmas parade, which is not nearly as exciting as we had hoped.

Jeff: Yeah, I just went looking on YouTube. Dammit. I wonder if Scott Baio ever…

Jason: JEFF DON’T
This is, like, the third YouTube rabbit hole you’ve disappeared down in the past week.

Jeff: Okay, okay. I’ll stop searching for faded ’70s celebrity Christmas songs. Besides, we’ve already got CHARO. How did I not know this song existed until today?

Jason: It boggles the mind. Although I have to be honest with you, part of me wishes this had been recorded, like, now. Like, old Charo. Because in 1978, Charo was sexy. Look at that cover!


Jeff: Charo has always fascinated me in a completely non-ironic way. People who were famous for no reason were so much more entertaining in the ’70s, weren’t they?

Jason: Yes. Totally. I watched her on that reality show The Surreal Life. She was funny. I mean, I couldn’t understand 80% of what she said, but what I understood was funny.

Jeff: Today, our talentless celebrities are Paris, the Kardashians, and, I don’t know, that one chick from Jersey Shore. What’s her name? Snooki? Sooki?

Jason: Cuchi.

Jeff: Right. But Charo! She could mangle her lines on shitty sitcoms AND play a mean flamenco guitar. She was like Charles Nelson Reilly crossed with Ottmar Leibert.

Jason: I’m adding Charo to the lists of artists we have to see together. Because so far, we’ve only seen Jack Wagner, and that sucks.

Jeff: If we tried really hard, I think we might be able to get Charo and Jack Wagner on stage together.

Jason: I just made it happen in my mind.

Jeff: Me too. Wasn’t it marvelous?

Jason: The entire audience was gay.

Jeff: Did you see Captain Stubing in the front row? Because I totally did.

Jason: Yes! And in the wings, waiting for his cue? Richard Simmons.

Jeff: WHY HASN’T RICHARD SIMMONS RELEASED A CHRISTMAS SINGLE
It’d be SO much better than Fred Schneider’s Christmas music.

Jason: C’mon, pal. Let’s cuchi cuchi this thing. The only reason I’m rushing us to the song is because I noticed, on the cover, it says “Special Extended Version.”

Jeff: Strike a flamenco chord on your guitar.

Jason: Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlllllllling

Jeff: And make me some nachos while you’re at it.

Jason: Lo siento, Jefito. No nachos está aquí. Solamente Charo.

Jeff: ¡Nachos y cervezas, pinche puto!

Jason: I can’t argue with that one. You got my number.

Jeff: Awesome. Let’s get our Charo on.

Jason: ¡Si, si!

Jeff: Ready?

Jason: Listo!

Charo — ¿(Mamacita) Donde Esta Santa Claus? (download)

Giant Single! Special Extended Version!

Jason: OH YEAH!

Jeff: Estoy dancing!

Jason: Estoy queasy!

Jeff: Estan maracas!

Jason: ¿Donde esta Santa Claus?

Jeff: Oh my God, I’m in heaven.

Jason: Did she just say “And the ghosts I do believe”? Isn’t it “and the gifts that he will leave”?

Jeff: I love that Charo was like 40 when this was recorded, and she was already singing like she had dentures.

Jason: Oh my God, this is so 1978. I LOVE IT. Listen to that hi hat. Oh man.

Jeff: I also love how far down her vocals are pushed in the mix. Everyone involved with this recording knew that Charo was mostly incidental.

Jason: My boxers just turned into bikini briefs. And holy shit, I’m wearing roller skates. What the hell?

Jeff: Disco ball! Cocaine!

Jason: Yo soy tan alto en este momento!

Jeff: Actually, I guess if you were really in the target audience for this song, you’d probably be watching Grease.

Jason: This is seriously kind of awesome! Listen to her scream Olé!

Jeff: Pancho, Vixen, Pedro, and…what was that last one? Blister?

Jason: I believe it was Bleeesen.

Jeff: Oh, shit…breakdown!

Jason: With harp, no less!

Jason: Castanets and harp: two instruments nobody ever needed to hear together!

Jeff: I hope the castanets are attached to Charo’s pasties.

Jason: Charo’s not even in the studio anymore. She’s in the back room with the engineer.

Jeff: This is a pretty terrific arrangement, honestly.

Jason: Yeah, I think this is going on my holiday playlist for real.

Jeff: This is someone actually having fun with the song, which I’m totally on board with, because it was just a novelty tossoff to begin with.

Jason: She knows she should be thleeping!

Jeff: Hoping to thee heem in the thleigh!

Jason: Here come the reindeer names again!
Olé!
Olé!
Olé!

Jeff: Is she singing “Vixen” or “Vincent”?

Jason: Mama thita! Oh where ith Thanta Clauths?

Jeff: Charo, I love you. I will cuchi cuchi all your records.

Jason: Jesus, this 5:37 song went by in, like, two minutes. She’s speaking the ending! Oh God!

Jeff: She just said she was looking for Santa Claw!

Jason: Thanta Claw!

Jeff: Dammit, Jason, why didn’t we just cover this song every single day of Mellowmas?

Jason: I know! THIS is the song we’ve been looking for all season!

Jeff: This is the song we’ve been looking for for FIVE YEARS.

Jason: The one that’s awesome, but brings us joy instead of slight disappointment! I think we came close with that disco “Twelve Days of Christmas” from a couple of years ago. But that didn’t have big tits and lispy vocals.

Jeff: Also, that one FUCKING SUCKED. Don’t try and trick me into agreeing with you here, you douche. I remember that song.

Jason: leprechaun dance

Jeff: Plus, I think our copycat friend at the Love Hate Society covered it this year in his knockoff Mellowmas series.

Jason: I want Charo to sing the Mellowmas theme next year. Make it happen.

Jeff: I wouldn’t be surprised if Charo and Alan O’Day appeared on The Hollywood Squares together at some point.

Jason: There’s an extra cuchi cuchi in it for you if you can make it a duet with tomorrow’s artist.

Jeff: Well, that was fucking perfect. I’m going to go put this on a loop and turn up my stereo as loud as it will go.

Jason: A very cuchi cuchi to all!

Jeff: And a cuchi cuchi goodnight!