The Twenty-Third Day of Mellowmas: Silent Night, Monkee Hole

Jason: Y’know, Jeff, a lot of people have helped us make Mellowmas happen.

Jeff: Oh, are we going to start blaming people now?

Jason: I’m not talking about the awful artists. I’m talking about the awful readers.

Jeff: Yes! A good old-fashioned Mellowmas shaming.

Jason: First, I’d like to thank Mr. Jeffrey Thames. This man has sent us more crap in the past two weeks than maybe anyone. Medsker is a close second.

Jeff: That’s definitely true about Medsker. I’ve developed a nervous tic when I see his name in my inbox.

Jason: Back in November, Mr. Thames sent us a link to this post on Regretsy.

Jeff: DO NOT CLICK ON THAT LINK, EVERYONE

IT WILL TAKE YOU TO THE BAD PLACE

Jason: There are lots of awful things in there. I listened to a few.

But one name stood out to me as being kind of perfect for this holiday: Davy Jones.

Jeff: Davy Jones!

Jason: I was a HUGE Monkees fan when I was a kid.

Jeff: You couldn’t have picked Jay Leno or Slim Sphincter?

Jason: The Monkees were my second concert — Weird Al opened. It was awesome.

Jeff: I had no idea Weird Al toured with the Monkees, but that’s kind of perfect. Has Weird Al ever parodied a Monkees song?

Jason: It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized that all of the Monkees are dicks.

Jeff: Is it all of them? I thought Marty Ross was a nice guy.

Jason: No, real Monkees. Jeff. Not fake Monkees.

Jeff: Is there a difference? At least the fake Monkees don’t have to deal with Mike Nesmith quitting all the time. That seems like a plus. On the other hand, the real Monkees get to have Ami Dolenz hanging around.

Jason: Isn’t Ami Dolenz like 50 now?

Jeff: In my mind, Ami Dolenz stopped aging sometime around 1989.

I wish you’d dug up an Ami Dolenz song, Jason.

Jason: I’m sure Micky has recorded some Christmas music. But thanks to Jeffrey’s link, I stumbled down the Monkee Hole and found this.

Davy Jones Has a Christmas Jones

Jeff: shriek That cover artwork! Oh my God!

Wait, wasn’t Christmas Jones the name of the character that Denise Richards played on that one Bond movie?

Jason: This album was recorded in 1976 in Hawaii.

Jeff: Now I’m imagining this whole alternate scenario where a confused Davy Jones imagines himself a spy.

Jason: And it’s apparently been reissued many times, but now it comes under the name Christmas Jones, which just makes no sense. Why would you pick a name for your album that’s NOT YOUR OWN when NOBODY IS REALLY LOOKING FOR YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Jeff: On the Bandcamp page, it’s described as “ever-popular.”

Hey, it was remastered in 2009 by Scott Francis! Do you think he’s related to Genie Francis?

Jason: Argh, why can’t I remember the names of her brothers? I love those guys!

Jeff: This album leads off with the wonderfully named “When I Look Back on Christmas (Rare Long Version).”

Jason: Davy is no stranger to shitty album covers.

Jeff: Davy Jones LIVE!!! From the Shitter

Jason: I didn’t listen to all the tracks on the Christmas Jones album, but I think I found a good one.

Jeff: You do not.

Jason: And by “good,” I mean…well, you know what I mean.

Jeff: Exactly.

Jason: EVERYBODY knows what I mean.

Jeff: Except Davy Jones! Wacka wacka!

Davy Jones, “Silent Night” (download)
Davy Jones Has a Christmas Jones

Jeff: Whoa.

Jason: Warbly!

Jeff: And very, very ’70s.

Oh,  I do wish he hadn’t started singing.

Jason: This is what happens when you “remaster” from the one remaining copy of the record.

Breathy! Vibrato-y!

Jeff: I really kind of like this, without the vocals.

Jason: Davy-y!

Sleee-eee-p in hea-aaa-venly pee-ee-eeace!

Jeff: You know how you move your head around to try and see the screen when a tall person sits in front of you at the movies? That’s what I’m doing to try and ignore Davy’s voice right now.

Jason: It has an odd country twang to it. I can’t figure out why.

THEY WERE IN HAWAII.

Jeff: Alternately, I’m imagining that Davy’s singing like this because he’s been locked outside and is freezing to death in the snow.

Jason: Wait, the best part is coming up.

And now, ladies and gentlemen…

Jeff: While wearing an ill-fitting nutcracker’s unifo…oh, no.

Jason: DAVY JONES RECITES THE TEN COMMANDMENTS!

IN A RANDOM ORDER!

Jeff: I’m squirming in my seat.

Why why why why why why why

Jason: He just said “Thou shalt not kill” in the middle of SILENT NIGHT!

Jeff: And “thou shalt not commit adultery”!

Jason: …and back to “Silent Night!” I LOVE IT!

Jeff: This is fucking AWFUL.

Jason: Someone thought it’d be a good idea for DAVY JONES to lecture his 145 remaining fans in 1976!

He also skipped like five commandments.

Sleee-eeeep in heaa-aaaaaa-venly peeee-eeee-eeeeace!

Jeff: I like how he ended with his version of a bass note. That’s Davy’s Big Boy voice.

Jason: And if you listen closely, you can hear the oh-so-warbly final keyboard note.

Jeff: Why would anyone listen closely?

Jason: Why would anyone do 25 days of Mellowmas? See what a stupid question that was?

Jeff: Are you asking me to get you a Davy Jones Fan Club membership for Christmas?

Jason: JEFF DON’T

Jeff: You can be a Davy Devotee!

Jason: If you do that, I’ll retaliate by enrolling you in the Peter Tork Fan Club. And you KNOW that fan club is way worse than Davy’s.

Jeff: I think you become president by default, don’t you?

Jason: The membership card smells like mothballs.

Jeff: Davy Jones has a blog on his website. Without looking, I want you to try and guess what it’s called.

Jason: “The Daily Davy.”

Jeff: That is incorrect.

The answer, my friend, is “Keep Up with the Joneses.”

Jason: stares blankly at screen

Jeff: Hey, you look like Davy on his homepage!

Jason: You son of a bitch.

Jeff: leprechaun dance

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare
Two people, separate rooms
Trying to hurt the other
Bound together by destiny
Is there nothing they won’t do?
Will we never see them through?