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The Twenty-Third Day of Mellowmas: Silent Night, Monkee Hole

Jason: Y’know, Jeff, a lot of people have helped us make Mellowmas happen.

Jeff: Oh, are we going to start blaming people now?

Jason: I’m not talking about the awful artists. I’m talking about the awful readers.

Jeff: Yes! A good old-fashioned Mellowmas shaming.

Jason: First, I’d like to thank Mr. Jeffrey Thames. This man has sent us more crap in the past two weeks than maybe anyone. Medsker is a close second.

Jeff: That’s definitely true about Medsker. I’ve developed a nervous tic when I see his name in my inbox.

Jason: Back in November, Mr. Thames sent us a link to this post on Regretsy.

Jeff: DO NOT CLICK ON THAT LINK, EVERYONE

IT WILL TAKE YOU TO THE BAD PLACE

Jason: There are lots of awful things in there. I listened to a few.

But one name stood out to me as being kind of perfect for this holiday: Davy Jones.

Jeff: Davy Jones!

Jason: I was a HUGE Monkees fan when I was a kid.

Jeff: You couldn’t have picked Jay Leno or Slim Sphincter?

Jason: The Monkees were my second concert — Weird Al opened. It was awesome.

Jeff: I had no idea Weird Al toured with the Monkees, but that’s kind of perfect. Has Weird Al ever parodied a Monkees song?

Jason: It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized that all of the Monkees are dicks.

Jeff: Is it all of them? I thought Marty Ross was a nice guy.

Jason: No, real Monkees. Jeff. Not fake Monkees.

Jeff: Is there a difference? At least the fake Monkees don’t have to deal with Mike Nesmith quitting all the time. That seems like a plus. On the other hand, the real Monkees get to have Ami Dolenz hanging around.

Jason: Isn’t Ami Dolenz like 50 now?

Jeff: In my mind, Ami Dolenz stopped aging sometime around 1989.

I wish you’d dug up an Ami Dolenz song, Jason.

Jason: I’m sure Micky has recorded some Christmas music. But thanks to Jeffrey’s link, I stumbled down the Monkee Hole and found this.

Davy Jones Has a Christmas Jones

Jeff: shriek That cover artwork! Oh my God!

Wait, wasn’t Christmas Jones the name of the character that Denise Richards played on that one Bond movie?

Jason: This album was recorded in 1976 in Hawaii.

Jeff: Now I’m imagining this whole alternate scenario where a confused Davy Jones imagines himself a spy.

Jason: And it’s apparently been reissued many times, but now it comes under the name Christmas Jones, which just makes no sense. Why would you pick a name for your album that’s NOT YOUR OWN when NOBODY IS REALLY LOOKING FOR YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Jeff: On the Bandcamp page, it’s described as “ever-popular.”

Hey, it was remastered in 2009 by Scott Francis! Do you think he’s related to Genie Francis?

Jason: Argh, why can’t I remember the names of her brothers? I love those guys!

Jeff: This album leads off with the wonderfully named “When I Look Back on Christmas (Rare Long Version).”

Jason: Davy is no stranger to shitty album covers.

Jeff: Davy Jones LIVE!!! From the Shitter

Jason: I didn’t listen to all the tracks on the Christmas Jones album, but I think I found a good one.

Jeff: You do not.

Jason: And by “good,” I mean…well, you know what I mean.

Jeff: Exactly.

Jason: EVERYBODY knows what I mean.

Jeff: Except Davy Jones! Wacka wacka!

Davy Jones, “Silent Night” (download)
Davy Jones Has a Christmas Jones

Jeff: Whoa.

Jason: Warbly!

Jeff: And very, very ’70s.

Oh,  I do wish he hadn’t started singing.

Jason: This is what happens when you “remaster” from the one remaining copy of the record.

Breathy! Vibrato-y!

Jeff: I really kind of like this, without the vocals.

Jason: Davy-y!

Sleee-eee-p in hea-aaa-venly pee-ee-eeace!

Jeff: You know how you move your head around to try and see the screen when a tall person sits in front of you at the movies? That’s what I’m doing to try and ignore Davy’s voice right now.

Jason: It has an odd country twang to it. I can’t figure out why.

THEY WERE IN HAWAII.

Jeff: Alternately, I’m imagining that Davy’s singing like this because he’s been locked outside and is freezing to death in the snow.

Jason: Wait, the best part is coming up.

And now, ladies and gentlemen…

Jeff: While wearing an ill-fitting nutcracker’s unifo…oh, no.

Jason: DAVY JONES RECITES THE TEN COMMANDMENTS!

IN A RANDOM ORDER!

Jeff: I’m squirming in my seat.

Why why why why why why why

Jason: He just said “Thou shalt not kill” in the middle of SILENT NIGHT!

Jeff: And “thou shalt not commit adultery”!

Jason: …and back to “Silent Night!” I LOVE IT!

Jeff: This is fucking AWFUL.

Jason: Someone thought it’d be a good idea for DAVY JONES to lecture his 145 remaining fans in 1976!

He also skipped like five commandments.

Sleee-eeeep in heaa-aaaaaa-venly peeee-eeee-eeeeace!

Jeff: I like how he ended with his version of a bass note. That’s Davy’s Big Boy voice.

Jason: And if you listen closely, you can hear the oh-so-warbly final keyboard note.

Jeff: Why would anyone listen closely?

Jason: Why would anyone do 25 days of Mellowmas? See what a stupid question that was?

Jeff: Are you asking me to get you a Davy Jones Fan Club membership for Christmas?

Jason: JEFF DON’T

Jeff: You can be a Davy Devotee!

Jason: If you do that, I’ll retaliate by enrolling you in the Peter Tork Fan Club. And you KNOW that fan club is way worse than Davy’s.

Jeff: I think you become president by default, don’t you?

Jason: The membership card smells like mothballs.

Jeff: Davy Jones has a blog on his website. Without looking, I want you to try and guess what it’s called.

Jason: “The Daily Davy.”

Jeff: That is incorrect.

The answer, my friend, is “Keep Up with the Joneses.”

Jason: stares blankly at screen

Jeff: Hey, you look like Davy on his homepage!

Jason: You son of a bitch.

Jeff: leprechaun dance